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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive DSS.(13) to football training

404 replies

Blankscreen · 23/09/2017 10:00

DSS.stays with us every Friday night.

I just rearranged my working hours hours so that I can pick him up from the school bus.

Without discussing with me.dh has signed him up for football. The training for which is at 5:30 on a Friday.

I've said that not prepared to take him and he can walk down its less than a mile not at all remote and lots of children who live in our road walk to the venue which the local secondary school.

My reason for not taking him is that it is dinner time for ds7 and DD 4. DS does an after school club and is starving afterwards.

We get home about 4:30 and then I'll need to bundle them all out the door again to drop him off and tbh I can't be bothered.

I've deliberately not signed DS up for activities which aren't straight after school as it's a nightmare.

Dh keeps making comments about it. I said this morning that he's got a bloody cheek signing him up to something and expecting me to do all the running round.

Dh is at work and can't get back due to long commute etc.

I'm now doubting myself.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 12:20

My two have no issue with walking a mile. DS2 has been walking to and from school for years. Unfortunately he got badly beaten up on the way home earlier this year but he still walks. DS1 not so much as his school was 12 miles away.

For football training it seems to be the norm to be dropped off and collected, but as I said upthread it can be more of a social thing for the parents here. It's good to see the coach and get details of matches etc, sometimes everyone would go to the pub after training. But I appreciate that's not typical maybe.

MothratheMighty · 23/09/2017 12:24

YANBU, if he's too tired to walk a mile, he's too tired to play football in any meaningful way. Walking is exercise, if it rains, he needs a waterproof. It's a reasonable expectation of a 13 year old with a phone ICE, if he was nervous, I'd walk with him the first time. I expected the same of DD and DS when they were 13, it was a 11/2 mile walk to their secondary and I worked.
I wonder if he actually wanted this, or if he was pressurised into it by his dad.

Stillwishihadabs · 23/09/2017 12:25

I was made to walk or take public transport as a teen ( I also had a much younger sibling) sometimes it was ok and sometimes it was fucking miserable. I would be kind and either walk with him or drive him the first couple of times. It's difficult starting a new club when you don't know anyone. It's not like this lad knows the school or the others in the team ( if he does please correct me). I have a sort of dsd ( complex) who was with us over the summer, she is 16 (and it was summer) but I took her to the first day of her stage coach course. Be kind OP, he is only 13- I have one.

MothratheMighty · 23/09/2017 12:25

I also agree that your DH is an arse for arranging without discussion and working out the organisation.

FlowerPot1234 · 23/09/2017 12:26

OP - a few of us have mentioned the hilarious irony of a 13 year old being taxied less than one mile to athletic football training.

Have you actually pointed this out to your DH? Has he managed to answer you without bursting out laughing at how ridiculous that is?

Stillwishihadabs · 23/09/2017 12:28

You don't want to know what time I turned out to get him to rugby this am

I

Liadain · 23/09/2017 12:28

Yanbu. I used to walk to and from school at that age every day. A walk of a mile is nothing, he can do it - though if it's miserable out I'd bring him.

Cheeky of your dh to book it and expect you to automatically be the unpaid taxi!

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2017 12:31

DSS does.t want to walk there. I reckon it's a 15 minute walk. If it pouring with rain I doubt DSS would go anyway

He is 13 and its 5.00pm - not 5 and walking at midnight! He won't even get darked on at that time for most of the season.

However if he is too lazy to walk and won't want to go when it rains why on earth has he been signed up for it? I agree with pp - I'd question if your DH agreed it with his ex before signing up for weekend matches.

Its really simple. DH travels and works long hours, you pick up all the family stuff as a result which enables him to do that job. Therefore he doesn't get to make the arrangements and dump them on you. He can either find a different training session or accept that the boy doesn't sound like he wants to go anyway.

Stillwishihadabs · 23/09/2017 12:33

I think walking to school (known route with friends )is completely different

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2017 12:38

Incidentally, its irrelevant to this discussion that he is DSS rather than DS.
The issue is that as a couple you do all the wifework and running around to enable DH to pursue his career and therefore he does not get make these arrangements and dump them on you.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2017 12:39

I think walking to school (known route with friends )is completely different

Why? This is a known route, this is also during normal hours and when my kids walked over a mile to school for most of the route they were walking on their own.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/09/2017 12:43

YABU, your stepchild wants to go to a club which is at a time when your dh is working, it will be good for his fitness, friendships and confidence. You are home but cant be bothered once a week to drive him a couple of miles. Bet it will be different when it is your own children.

The whole thing will be a disaster anyway if he is not fully supported to going to training or matches. Football for 13 year olds is competitive as they will be in a league, there will be lots of boys who are supported by their families and he will end up with no match time, dropped from the team and shattered self esteem.

But I guess this is the fate of the inconvenient stepchild.

LongWavyHair · 23/09/2017 12:47

Bet it will be different when it is your own children.

That's not true. The op has already said she hasn't booked her own Ds on to any activities as it would be a pain in the arse at that time of day.

What I don't understand is why people think the same doesn't apply to stepchildren and they should be given special treatment?

InsomniacAnonymous · 23/09/2017 12:47

It's less than a mile so he doesn't need a lift!

LadyLoveYourWhat · 23/09/2017 12:48

DH and I both work part time so that one of us is home most days when the kids get in from school, I wouldn't dream of arranging an activity on one of his early days without consulting him first, and even if it was on one of my days I'd make sure we were both happy with the cost first. You are definitely not being unreasonable, it is a hassle to get everyone in and out if the car and for such a short journey! Plus it sounds to me like your DSS isn't that committed if he can't be arsed to walk there.

FlowerPot1234 · 23/09/2017 12:49

WeAllHaveWings

your stepchild wants to go to a club which is at a time when your dh is working, it will be good for his fitness, friendships and confidence.
Glad to see you support activities good for his fitness, friendships and confidence. That's the walk agreed then.

You are home but cant be bothered once a week to drive him a couple of miles.
It's less than one mile. Try not to make things up.

Bet it will be different when it is your own children.
But the OP has stated clearly she does not do this for her own children either. You've lost that bet.

The whole thing will be a disaster anyway if he is not fully supported to going to training or matches.
Where have you made up that he is not supported to go to football?

he will end up with no match time, dropped from the team and shattered self esteem.
That's some crystal ball you have there. Shattered self esteem? Full of snowflakes too I see.

But I guess this is the fate of the inconvenient stepchild.
My goodness, you really have a problem, don't you?

Cheby · 23/09/2017 12:49

This is ridiculous. OP has said she will pick him up, he can walk there.

When I was 14 I desperately wanted a horse. Couldn't afford one so managed to sort an arrangement where I helped out in exchange for free rides. My mum occasionally gave me a lift (I remember when it was snowing she drove me and the car got stuck) but 90% of the time I got on my bike and cycled the 3 miles to the stables, because I really wanted to ride that horse.

If he wants to go he'll get off his arse and walk. If he can't be bothered to walk then he's not that bothered about football.

bohemiacrop · 23/09/2017 12:50

Flowerpot the OP said she couldn't be bothered - those were her words.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2017 12:51

But I guess this is the fate of the inconvenient stepchild

Oh FFS - its the fate of a child where one parent organises something with no thought for the parent expected to operate that something.

The boy's own DM doesn't take him either, it has nothing to do with the blood relationship or otherwise.

Qvar · 23/09/2017 12:51

Why should she be bothered? I can't be bothered to drive my eleven year old to youth club and so I don't. He walks.

LongWavyHair · 23/09/2017 12:51

But she can't be bothered taking her own Ds either. Understandable really and doesn't make her a terrible person for not wanting to take any of the children to activities at that time on a weekday.

FlowerPot1234 · 23/09/2017 12:52

bohemiacrop
The OP also wrote many, many other words in her post, to explain why. Did you not read any of those other words?

Alittlepotofrosie · 23/09/2017 12:53

Mumsnet is pathetic when it comes to stepmums "oh poor boy nobody cares about him". Yeah this kid is bloody neglected because he might have to walk a mile. Fuck off.

Why should op tie herself in knots because a lazy 13yo doesnt want to walk 15 minutes to something that HE wants to do? If she'd do the same to her own son, then she should do it to her ss.

And no wonder there's so many fat kids around when parents think a mile is too far for the precious lamb to walk. Hmm

FrancisCrawford · 23/09/2017 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brittbugs80 · 23/09/2017 13:04

Sorry, but this made me laugh. There are countless threads on here where the poor SM or SD is facing unbearable problems with their SC, and many posters come on here and tell them that they shouldn't be butting in, that discipline should be the biological parent's job, to not overstep the boundaries, to realise they are the newcomer into a family and basically know their place etc etc.

And then from the other side the poor SM and SD, when they do say hang on, don't go arranging things without telling me, don't put all the work of the SC onto me, they're seen as pushing that SC away or viewing them as the work of the biological parent only

So what did I say that made me laugh when you've literally just agreed with the point I'm trying to make?

Step parents are told on here to keep noses out, that it's for Mom and Dad to sort out, that Stepparents shouldn't be ferrying stepchildren about.

It seems step parents and step families are another hated thing on here alongside men....

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