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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive DSS.(13) to football training

404 replies

Blankscreen · 23/09/2017 10:00

DSS.stays with us every Friday night.

I just rearranged my working hours hours so that I can pick him up from the school bus.

Without discussing with me.dh has signed him up for football. The training for which is at 5:30 on a Friday.

I've said that not prepared to take him and he can walk down its less than a mile not at all remote and lots of children who live in our road walk to the venue which the local secondary school.

My reason for not taking him is that it is dinner time for ds7 and DD 4. DS does an after school club and is starving afterwards.

We get home about 4:30 and then I'll need to bundle them all out the door again to drop him off and tbh I can't be bothered.

I've deliberately not signed DS up for activities which aren't straight after school as it's a nightmare.

Dh keeps making comments about it. I said this morning that he's got a bloody cheek signing him up to something and expecting me to do all the running round.

Dh is at work and can't get back due to long commute etc.

I'm now doubting myself.

Aibu?

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 23/09/2017 11:21

I think it sounds like your DSS is basically not particularly important in your family. Given you only work two days a week and that locally, and your dh works long commute etc I'd assume you would be doing most of collecting and dropping tbh.

Given from what you say your DSS mother isn't that bothered about supporting his activities its a pity he doesn't have much support from you to get him to trg etc.

I really feel sorry for kids like your DSS tbh tho to be fair your dh does sound like he's important to him at least.

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 11:21

Sounds like it's apathy all round really.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/09/2017 11:23

You only have to read threads like this to see why so many University students aren't coping living away from home. Children are becoming way too molly coddled. It's less than a mile - no one needs to be driven anywhere that's less than a mile. Walk. He's 13, not 7. If anyone thinks he can't walk less than a mile to the local school at 13, I'd love to hear when they think it would be ok. Fgs.

Lweji · 23/09/2017 11:23

Given you only work two days a week and that locally, and your dh works long commute etc I'd assume you would be doing most of collecting and dropping tbh.

But if the OP is expected to contribute more than anyone else to collections and dropping offs then she should be consulted too. She's not her DH's employee to just be told what to do.
That is the problem.

YouStoleTheBowlFromTheRoom · 23/09/2017 11:24

So OP has to run around like a blue-arsed fly with three kids, one very young, at rush hour/tea time because DH has said so and because a 13yo boy can't be arsed with a 15-min walk?

Why can't her DH finish early? Why didn't he liaise with OP first to find a manageable activity?

Never fails to amaze me how many women take it as read that they should run round mopping up after their husbands' fucked-up plans

Lweji · 23/09/2017 11:25

OP, do tell your OH that you won't take any responsibility over anything you're not consulted about.
And stick to it.

Otherwise it will only get worse.

JWrecks · 23/09/2017 11:26

I'm sticking with it I'll.pick it up but he makes his own way there.

That's a good plan. He's 13, well old enough to get himself a mile up the road for football, and far too old to not to if he wants to play. A girl at 13 would be as well, IMO. I wouldn't have let mine demand that ride off me when it's just a matter of "aw but mum but I can't be arsed to walk for ten whole minutes"! No chance mate, pick up your feet.

Though after football he will be worn out, and that walk home won't be near as easy. I wouldn't mind running over to pick him up if it were me, if it's not a massive disruption to the rest of the family.

Brittbugs80 · 23/09/2017 11:27

YANBU. Your DH should arrange his own working hours to transport his own son to the activity

I really struggle with this. Why are stepchildren (on here at least) viewed as the work of the parent who they belong to only? If you are a family, does that not include all the children? Why this need to isolate them and reiterate actually you don't belong in this family as you don't belong to both of us?

As for the original post, just take him. It's not like the children are going to die of malnutrition because they have to nip out for 5 minutes to take their older brother to football is it?

Yep it's a piano but most children's activities are. We have 8am swimming lessons and 9pm cub finishes bit we suck it up because our DS enjoys them. Incidentally, DH is DS Stepdad and would never EVER think or treat him differently because he biologically isn't his.

I'm not sure I could be with someone who kept such a "not my child nothing to do with me attitude".

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 11:27

Of course a 13 year old can walk a mile. But if mine wanted a lift we gave them a lift. We did it because we supported them in their hobby, they had already had a day at school and there was no need for them to walk to training. We even stayed to watch the training sometimes and chatted to other parents of children in the team. Shock

One of them has indeed gone to Uni just this week and he is making use of the student bus pass so he doesn't have to walk everywhere.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 23/09/2017 11:27

Is it just Friday night he stays? Then I see no reason why your DH can't pick him up, and go off work early making up the time. Why is he agreeing to have him after school if he isn't going to be there in the first place?

The least he can do is ask you first. My DP picks up my son his DSS from sports, but I always ask, and a lot of the time he can't so 15 year old has to take the bus. I'd never berate him, it's my responsibility.

Viviennemary · 23/09/2017 11:28

I agree that your DH should have asked you first. But of course you should take him. It's called being a family.

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/09/2017 11:28

He is old enough to walk less than a mile to an activity he wants to do. If he isn't fit enough or can't be arsed to walk such a short distance to participate in a sport then he isn't really committed to it.

It doesn't matter if it is raining as he will be playing football or training in the rain anyway.

The OP has said she can collect him afterwards so that should be the end if any discussion really.

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 11:29

Talking of buses would that be an option for him OP?

SemiNormal · 23/09/2017 11:29

YANBU - I can't believe the comments saying you're mean etc

He's 13 ffs not 3! Unless there were other concerns such as SEN or he was being targetted by bullies there is absolutely no reason why OP needs to drag the other kids out to ferry him less than a mile down the road. Then again my mum didn't drive when I was a kid so I was always walking miles to various places, as an adult I don't drive either so my son also has to walk miles each day - it's done us no harm! Even if I could drive I can honestly say I doubt I'd pick my 13 year old from somewhere that was less than a mile away unless it was hailstoning! Getting wet doesn't hurt anyone.

FlowerPot1234 · 23/09/2017 11:29

he can walk down its less than a mile

Of course YANBU! Tell your DH if his 13 year old son doesn't have the legpower or energy to walk less than a mile to football training, you both better not let him on the pitch otherwise he'd collapse with exhaustion as soon as the whistle blows.

We're not talking about an 8 year old here. He's 13 for god's sake.

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 11:30

YY 13 is virtually an adult...

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 23/09/2017 11:32

brit because any partnership should be a team, and DH didn't even ask the OP. She's already compromised to pick him up.

Put another way, if OP was the wife she'd be the same, she hasn't put her kids in clubs straight after school, so in effect she is treating all the kids the same. The difficulty is that, DH has been, my son, my decision, and treated OP like a hired hand rather than a partner.

disappearingninepatch · 23/09/2017 11:33

he's got a bloody cheek signing him up to something and expecting me to do all the running round.
^This is spot on. As for the pp suggesting your DM cares for your younger DC, it seems everyone is to be inconvenienced except your DH and DSS.

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 11:34

What has your DH said OP? Have you told him how you feel?

Summerswallow · 23/09/2017 11:34

I don't add additional activities to the already packed schedule without thinking through how it'll affect everyone, mainly me who has to do drop offs and pick ups admittedly on top of a full time job. I have said no to additional activities on that basis.

Here I'd say- get yourself there and I'll pick you up. Or stay at school (if at a school), in homework club, and I'll pick you up afterwards, otherwise you are driving around for the best part of 1.30 hours which is just a waste of time, petrol and energy on a Fri evening.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/09/2017 11:35

WTAF?

I think it sounds like your DSS is basically not particularly important in your family. Given you only work two days a week and that locally, and your dh works long commute etc I'd assume you would be doing most of collecting and dropping tbh

She does ALL of the running around for ALL THREE of the children, including changing HER working hours to collect DSS from the bus.

Given from what you say your DSS mother isn't that bothered about supporting his activities its a pity he doesn't have much support from you to get him to trg etc

You have absolutely NO idea what his Mum does or doesn't do. But WHY should she, without any consultation, be expected to take her son to football matches he's not even bothered about, during her weekend with her son, because her dickhead Ex has signed him up for football without consulting either of the women involved who will be doing the running around bar 2 matches a month?!

I really feel sorry for kids like your DSS

Really? Based on the fact that the OP. Diesntbwant to wrangle 2 small children into the car to drive him less than a mile? Don't make me laugh.

tbh tho to be fair your dh does sound like he's important to him at least

What? Really? Seriously? Did he change his work hours to enable the child to stay on a Friday night? No, he did not. The OP did. Did he change his working hours to take DS to training? No, he did not - he expects the op to do it. So what did he actually do here to make him parent of the year? He signed a bit of paper giving his son permission to play football. That's what he did . Your standards are VERY low I'd you think that makes him Dad of the Year. Fgs.

Achoopichu · 23/09/2017 11:38

If he's confident of the route I would let him walk. It's less than a mile and he's 13. If it was getting dark I would pick him up but not while it's still light at that time

Wouldn't do it for any kids at that age

ZenHeadbutt · 23/09/2017 11:38

It's only a short walk? Has he got a bike? If so it wouldn't take him much longer than going by car especially by the time you've loaded the other kids in.

Your reason that it's dinner time for the other two is a bit flimsy. It's only a ten minute trip?

Idk, I'd probably make him walk sometimes and drive him others. I'd expect him to say thankful and be thankful for the lift. I do of my own kids.

LongWavyHair · 23/09/2017 11:38

The op has said she has purposely not booked her own DS on to any activities because it would be a pain in the arse as she is busy at that time of day with tea times/bath times/bed times etc...

So why should she go along with picking dss up? What makes that different somehow?

BewareOfDragons · 23/09/2017 11:39

YANBU.

I require my own oldest, who is now 12, to get himself to his piano lesson in the early evenings, roughly a mile walk on a very safe road. He is picked up by my DH on his way home from work.

I have done so for the past three years, since I am at other activities with younger siblings. But even when I'm not, there is no reason he can't walk generally.

If your DH is that concerned about it, tell him to leave work early and get him there/pick him up himself. In fact, he should be doing the pick ups.

And to those who say you will feel differently in a few years when it's your own DD's or DS's clubs, reality is, circumstances WILL be different. You won't have little ones who are wiped out in need of early food and bed; they are the young ones, and once they're not so young anymore, later clubs won't be such the big deal for them. (You, otoh, might struggle with scheduling and getting them about, but that's a separate issue.)