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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive DSS.(13) to football training

404 replies

Blankscreen · 23/09/2017 10:00

DSS.stays with us every Friday night.

I just rearranged my working hours hours so that I can pick him up from the school bus.

Without discussing with me.dh has signed him up for football. The training for which is at 5:30 on a Friday.

I've said that not prepared to take him and he can walk down its less than a mile not at all remote and lots of children who live in our road walk to the venue which the local secondary school.

My reason for not taking him is that it is dinner time for ds7 and DD 4. DS does an after school club and is starving afterwards.

We get home about 4:30 and then I'll need to bundle them all out the door again to drop him off and tbh I can't be bothered.

I've deliberately not signed DS up for activities which aren't straight after school as it's a nightmare.

Dh keeps making comments about it. I said this morning that he's got a bloody cheek signing him up to something and expecting me to do all the running round.

Dh is at work and can't get back due to long commute etc.

I'm now doubting myself.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 16:11

Could you not work out for yourself that maybe I meant he can walk home from the school bus/bus stop.

I knew what you meant. I was asking why if the bus stop is such a short distance away why the OP has had to change her shifts to pick him up up from it.

PickleRickSanchez · 23/09/2017 16:18

He's 13, not 3!
If this was a DS and not DsS, the thread would have gone a lot differently.

If you'd said, "AIBU to think my 13yo Son can walk to football practice? It falls on his young siblings meal times, but he says he says he doesn't want to walk", people would have commented that if he doesn't want to walk, then he doesn't have to go.

But because this is MN and you're the SM, be prepared to be told to remove a few vertebrae to bend over sufficiently backwards to accommodate what your stepchildren want, even if it massively inconveniences you and the rest of the DC.

SandyDenny · 23/09/2017 16:20

Unless I've missed one of the op's posts we don't know how far away the bus stop is but it seems more than likely that the ex and the dss live some way away and therefore him getting from his school to the op's house under his own steam isn't an option.

This is a common situation in my area, the child of separated parents has to choose one of them for their school bus pass and the other has to drive to and from the chosen bus route on their days. Not ideal but it's the way the system works and I know of parents who have to juggle their jobs around it

budgiegirl · 23/09/2017 16:22

I'd be annoyed with your DH for arranging this without consulting you.

BUT kids do activities. If DSS is truely part of your family, you need to facilitate his activities as much as you presumably do/will for your DC. But having said that, a 13 year old is perfectly capable of walking or cycling, although I would probably offer him a lift on miserable evenings.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 23/09/2017 16:27

Maybe we need the OP to come back and draw us a map.

Although if she's got any sense she's probably hidden the thread by now.

RebelRogue · 23/09/2017 16:29

For those banging on about DS doing an after school club on friday, the day OP WORKS!! She says she finishes work at 3:30(and that's with the special leaving early for DSS) , so before that she would be even later. How exactly would she be at the school to pick DS up?

Have you even considered the after school club is more than likely childcare because she works?!?

No ofc not...

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 16:29

Hopefully the OP is having a conversation with her DH.

I think the thread is beyond redemption.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 23/09/2017 16:38

Ok so I'm back.

DSS school bus stop is about 5 miles from our house. He doesn't go to the school where the training is. I pick him up from the bus stop and finish work early as he didn't want to get the train 2 stops to our local.station his mum threatened to pull access if he's not picked up at 4!!

His school place was allocated from his mum's house. My point was kids in our road walk to the training venue everyday it's not that far.

I've spoken to dh and we've agreed that DSS will walk there and I will collect him.

I doubt DSS will in reality bother going but time will tell.

Thanks for all you input.

Dh's job isn't really flexible especially if he's abroad.

OP posts:
HarveySchlumpfenburger · 23/09/2017 16:54

Glad you've reached an agreement, OP.

It's not quite there yet, sparkling. We still need LTB to be chucked in.

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 16:56

YY LTB and go on a spa break. Job done.

Lweji · 23/09/2017 17:09

My point was kids in our road walk to the training venue everyday it's not that far.

Maybe in time he will prefer to return in their company too. :)

Lweji · 23/09/2017 17:09

But do book that spa. Grin

ssd · 23/09/2017 17:14

Yeah, and walk there.

Getoutofthatgarden · 23/09/2017 17:19

I knew what you meant. I was asking why if the bus stop is such a short distance away why the OP has had to change her shifts to pick him up up from it

Ah ok, my apologies.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 23/09/2017 17:24

If it makes any of you feel any better dh hates the travelling and commuting involved in his job but it pays well. He'd get a local job tomorrow if we could for him to.

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 23/09/2017 17:44

@MothratheMighty

I said NT to forestall anyone saying their kid couldn't do it due to disabilities and getting offended. But you're offended anyway so fuck it!

Glad its sorted op.

Ruftytuftygirlee · 23/09/2017 18:44

YANBU - DH should've checked with you first.

DS, also 13, walks a similar distance to and from a club every week. We used to be in a lift share with another family (who don't live walking distance) but it became a PITA when my other DC started an activity which meant I couldn't get back in time to drop DS & friend. DH works erratic hours so often wasn't back in time either. This meant we were invariably getting lumbered with the pick up which was most unpleasing as it clashed with wine o'clock (being a Friday!). Just as I was getting pissed off with the weekly texts from the other family enquiring after DH's working pattern so we could agree who was doing which run, it dawned on me that we didn't even need to be involved in this lift share anymore as DS was now old enough to get himself there & back. It probably pissed off the other family as they now have to do both runs but meh, sometimes you have to look after No. 1. Friday nights are certainly much more relaxing now Grin

timeisnotaline · 23/09/2017 19:27

What would make me feel better is the update including dh recognises this was way out of line and I'm his wife not his taxi service, so he won't Make unilateral decisions that dictate how I will spend my time again.

Etymology23 · 23/09/2017 19:43

Surely it would be crazy to drop him off - the round trip for you would take longer than him walking there? That can't be an efficient use of time! Yes to the occasional lift when it's crap weather etc but I would really not normally drive that distance and would expect him to be able to walk it!

Butterymuffin · 23/09/2017 19:48

Is he looking out for any other jobs - even with the same commute - that would allow him to work more flexibly? And has he really, really pushed for some flexibility in his current job? Being home before 6.45 on a Friday, for example, provided you're not actually travelling outside the UK, shouldn't be such an unachievable thing.

BarbarianMum · 23/09/2017 19:51

So exactly how long does it take to drive there? Can you not feed the kids at 5pm and leave at 5.20pm - if not every week then at least when its cold and wet. Maybe your dh could make Friday's tea on Thursday, then all you'd need to do is reheat it and serve.

Daydreamerbynight · 23/09/2017 20:15

I think a lot of people are overlooking that the OP has actually changed her working hours to accommodate picking up her DSS after school because it inconveniently doesn't fit with their 'wicked stepmother' obsessions.

RebelRogue · 23/09/2017 20:40

@BarbarianMum while the older boys might be ready,though i doubt it.. there's no way you can feed a 4 yo in 20 mins and be out the door.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 23/09/2017 21:13

Your DH should most definitely have checked with you first. But meal times set in stone always ring hollow to me.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 24/09/2017 07:44

Meal.times are not set in stone but I have a nearly 4 year old who is tired by the end of the week and a seven year old who is also tired and starving hungry I aim to fee them about 5 ish.

I don't mind shifting dinner back a bit but the problem is the dropping there and then the picking up again an hour and fifteen minutes later in vv bad traffic means that there is no window to actually prepare a meal and get the children to eat it. It's not just the drive one way. It's there and back and there and back again which is, as I've said before why DS doesn't do clubs which are not at his school where I just pick him up am hour later and there is no toing and froing.

I cook them a proper dinner every night I always have and don't propose to change their diet because DSS is basically lazy. I certainly not giving them McDonald's in the car every week as some one else suggested.

Unfortunately dh's industry (management consulting) is not known for its flexibility. We think it's a good deal.that he can get the 18:50 train home so in about 8 pm. And yes if he's travelling it's abroad not UK based.

I checked Google maps and it's.0.6 miles and 14 minute walk, so really not that far to walk.

OP posts: