To not want in-laws to stay

[Bananamama1213]

DH has a very strange relationship with his Step-mum. They have never really got on. But always civil. His relationship with his dad is also strange, but getting much better lately. We see him fortnightly for an hour, she only comes when she can be bothered to get out of bed (FIL words).

They can be very judgemental, and the main issue is her. She seems to want to argue with anyone who doesn't agree with what she wants to happen. It's not the first time she's tried to fall out with me either. FIL has lost lots of friends because she falls out with them all. He just goes along with whatever.

ANYWAY
She text me the other day, asking if they could stay over (they have a blow up bed and bedding) because it's a friends 50th and they'd like somewhere to rest their 'very pissed' heads.
I replied, apologised, saying that it's our anniversary that day so we have plans. And i also wouldn't advise it because DS gets up at 6 and watches tv downstairs. (No way would he stay upstairs, we tried before).
She replied with "thanks"

I ignored it because it was late and I was going to sleep. I don't like to argue so figured leaving it would be best.

She text me while I was on the school run saying "do you know that has really upset me. We never ask for anything, we only wanted a place to rest our heads"

Now, DH is really not happy that she's acting like this. He feels that it doesn't matter if they have never asked for anything, but this ask is too much.
He doesn't want "very pissed' people coming back to our house on our anniversary - regardless of who they are. I agree with him.

Any other night, may not have been so bad. But I'm pregnant with our third, and we have 2 young children already. So we won't get to have a nice meal out and time with eachother for quite a while afterwards.. realistically who wants to babysit 3 children! Also we never go out with eachother, I've had this planned for ages.

*AIBU not wanting them to stay?
*
Most of my friends who I've asked, say they wouldn't want someone staying over on their anniversary. Especially coming back pissed when our children will be around.

One of them is saying that they'd be back late so why does it matter if they have a blow up bed etc.

But it only won't be happening because SHE Is refusing to allow it - YOU are not the problem here, SHE is, and if he can't stand up to her then so is HE!

Stop taking on the guilt for this woman's actions - she's set out to cause a rift, she's managed it and your FIL could do something about it, if he chose to, but he's choosing to play the "poor little me" card instead and let her carry on the way she wants to. If he REALLY cared about seeing your children at Christmas, he'd do it.

One day, your fil will wake up and realise he is living in a world she has created and controls. He will have to decide if she becomes ex3. Until then there is nothing you can do.

I don't use my children to try control people. I just don't understand how you can watch children grow up from newborn (especially family) and then just leave.

I was feeling bad for him when FIL said that Christmas isn't the same when it's just those 2, as it feels like any other day. That's why he liked coming here to see the children Christmas morning. Which won't be happening anymore.

Okay, so it's clear you love the drama as much as FIL and SMIL. It's obvious that if you stopped discussing it with them (and giving them the the attention they so clearly need) that SMIL would have dropped this whole thing by now. But since you're enjoying it, have at it!

Stop engaging with this ridiculous woman.

FIL has already said he will continue to see the kids. Just let her stew in her own juice!

I'm not sure why you are continuing the drama.

Sweetie, she was just looking for a reason. It was always just a matter of time

I agree. Cut her loose. It's painful in the short term but far healthier once rhe dust settles.

@WateryBintDistributingSwords

How is it clear that I love the drama?!
I spoke to FIL because I wanted to know what to do about Christmas and if she had moved on yet.
I wanted to know because we hadn't heard anything from her and FIL hadn't mentioned it.

He didn't say when she decided that she wouldn't ever come round and letting the children forget her.. I don't think he would've said anything if I hadn't actually asked!

Sounds like he's being very passive in the whole process. She makes all the decisions, he doesn't confront her or try to stand up to her.
So he doesn't like taking action - so of COURSE he's not going to volunteer information that might result in you or your DH suggesting that he DOES take action or stand up to her.

He's at least not lying to you - he's just not being proactive in any way. So you need to keep asking him to find everything out - and I bet she has to as well!

How is it clear that I love the drama?!

Because this odious woman is giving you what you should want. Limited contact. You have TWO OTHER GRANDMOTHERS HEAVILY INVOLVED IN YOUR CHILDREN'S LIVES. What kind of drama queen is going to obsess about this 3rd woman, who sucks anyway? She isn't even biologically related.

Your kids won't care if you stop talking about it. So stop talking about it.