To not want in-laws to stay

[Bananamama1213]

DH has a very strange relationship with his Step-mum. They have never really got on. But always civil. His relationship with his dad is also strange, but getting much better lately. We see him fortnightly for an hour, she only comes when she can be bothered to get out of bed (FIL words).

They can be very judgemental, and the main issue is her. She seems to want to argue with anyone who doesn't agree with what she wants to happen. It's not the first time she's tried to fall out with me either. FIL has lost lots of friends because she falls out with them all. He just goes along with whatever.

ANYWAY
She text me the other day, asking if they could stay over (they have a blow up bed and bedding) because it's a friends 50th and they'd like somewhere to rest their 'very pissed' heads.
I replied, apologised, saying that it's our anniversary that day so we have plans. And i also wouldn't advise it because DS gets up at 6 and watches tv downstairs. (No way would he stay upstairs, we tried before).
She replied with "thanks"

I ignored it because it was late and I was going to sleep. I don't like to argue so figured leaving it would be best.

She text me while I was on the school run saying "do you know that has really upset me. We never ask for anything, we only wanted a place to rest our heads"

Now, DH is really not happy that she's acting like this. He feels that it doesn't matter if they have never asked for anything, but this ask is too much.
He doesn't want "very pissed' people coming back to our house on our anniversary - regardless of who they are. I agree with him.

Any other night, may not have been so bad. But I'm pregnant with our third, and we have 2 young children already. So we won't get to have a nice meal out and time with eachother for quite a while afterwards.. realistically who wants to babysit 3 children! Also we never go out with eachother, I've had this planned for ages.

*AIBU not wanting them to stay?
*
Most of my friends who I've asked, say they wouldn't want someone staying over on their anniversary. Especially coming back pissed when our children will be around.

One of them is saying that they'd be back late so why does it matter if they have a blow up bed etc.

Good riddance tbh

Don’t ask your FIL about it anymore - he’ll only relay the conversation back to her and she’ll be smugly satisfied that her dramatic outburst may have upset you/make you feel sorry for her

Does your FIL not think she’s being ridiculous?!

Why are you bothered that she doesn't want anything to do with you all? I would be relieved going from what you've said! We have had almost a mirror of this situation with DF and his wife only he won't have anything to do with us either because he needs to support his wife. Your situation is win win - you still get to see your FIL and don't have to put up with his wife's antics. Don't give her another thought, as PP said she will likely thrive off any attention or further drama she thinks she is causing.

Don’t feed her drama. It is actually better that your dcs forget about her. She’s manipulative and nasty. They really don’t need a role model like this in their lives like this. She’s waiting for an apology and I hope you don’t ever give the little madam one.

I brought it up with FIL this morning because of our children.. they have been asking after her and I wondered if we would be seeing her for Christmas.

I won't be bringing it up any more with him now though.

I'm not bothered so much by the relationship with me and DH, and SMIL. But I do want her to have a relationship with our children. Especially since there's going to be another baby in April.

FIL does think she's being ridiculous and he doesn't understand.

It's sad that she said if FIL passed away, then we're nothing to her anyway, so better that the children forget her now, rather than later.

I did text FIL a few hours later saying that the children wont forget her, and if he ever wants to take them out with her then we would never stop them. But he hasn't replied.

I actually don't understand why you would want your children to have a relationship with someone like this. Genuinely. The children may be asking about her now, but they will move on and probably quicker than you expect.

My SMIL was exactly the same. She rang rings around FIL, creating drama where there was none, and we were suddenly cut out of their lives by some "offence" we'd committed. The first time I met her, she actually said she never thought DH would meet anyone as he was so arrogant . He's the kindest and most generous person I know, and has zero trace of arrogance about him. I hated her from that moment on. She was truly vile and did everything in her power to keep FIL away from his family. Thankfully she died 8 years before FIL and he rang us the day she died to say she'd gone. He had such a wonderful last few years with his family, friends and a social life.

It's really hard but I wouldn't react to her drama at all. Just keep in touch with your FIL, tell him you love him and are always there. You can't get rid of her from his life but you can choose not to engage with her crap.

But I do want her to have a relationship with our children

Why? They have two grandmother figures. They will forget her in time. Just leave her alone.

I don't see why you'd want your kids to have a relationship with someone so toxic. She'll treat them the same way as she treats you and if they don't do what she wants she'll go off on one again anyway. Best to leave her to stew.

So basically...if she asks for something you have to say yes or be cut out forever.
Seems reasonable.

I'd leave her to it as well, the silly bitch.

Sweetie, she was just looking for a reason. It was always just a matter of time. She was just looking for a reason not to be involved. Just try to keep him involved now and don’t make it harder for him. That last text doesn’t make it any easier for him, he knows full well what she’s like.

Yes you could make it harder for him because he stays with her, but sometimes it’s not that easy. He can’t force her and it’s a big decision to end a marriage over this.

So now she’s created a reason, it’s nothing to do with anything you’ve done.

I don't understand why you want your DC to have a relationship with this manipulative controlling woman at all.
She's no blood relation, she couldn't give much of a shit about them (obviously) and if she throws a strop the instant she doesn't get her own way, she's going to do this to them as well when they're older, so why bother?

Just tell the children she's gone out of their lives and focus on their actual grandmothers instead.

I think she's right though, I think there would have always been an excuse. You don't like her, perhaps with good reason but she knows you don't like her.

I guess she thought your DH would say yes for his Dad's sake. Personally I would have, for an easy life.

Anyway, you were assertive, you've go the outcome you wanted so don't be drawn on it further. If there is any more to be said let it be between your DH and his Dad.

I also don’t understand why you want your dc to have a relationship with her when she can’t be arsed to visit them generally and pretty much doesn’t see them as grandchildren. Focus your efforts on your mil and your dm relationship. They don’t need someone so manipulative in their lives.

Let her get on with it.

No loss.

I wouldn't want them waking my DDs up who would then see their grandparents very drunk.

THIS ^

And what if they are sick - will they clean up? Would your carpet stain?

Do they have a key? Would one of you have to stay awake to let them in?

If they got hungry (as I always do when I've had a few) would they devour everything in your fridge, or start cooking at2.00am?

What if they started to "do sex on each other" (as my small daughter used to describe it, and the kids came down and disturbed them?

Most scenarios are unlikely, I know, but if you aren't good enough to visit, then you aren't good enough to stay overnight with.

Enjoy your anniversary without the Ghosts Of Hangovers Yet To Come dossing in your living room.

it was a toss up between the flamingo or the cow as they were both similarly priced.. wishing I went for the cow now haha!!

Life is falloff missed opportunities

She is the one who is missing out here - but it is a shame for your ds who obviously feels that there is something wrong.

Is this what you bought ? I had to look up "flambino".

www.oliveandsage.co.uk/products/fenton-felicity-the-flambinos

If she's to upset with you to accept it can I have it I'm sure you'll find it will live happily in your own garden.

Lives too bloody short to chase after her.

Yeah that flambino is what I got 😊

I wanted the children to have a relationship with her because she's good with them when she's around them, and they do love her.

She has always been a bit out of touch - buying clothes much too small (age 2-3 dress for DD for her 4th birthday when I had already told her that she was wearing 5-6 in dresses as she's tall.) just little things like that - but she was always good with them company wise.

I'm a firm believer of presence is more important than presents though.

Luckily I do have a very good relationship with MIL, she's coming with me to one of my scans next week as DH can't come. She's also going to be there for the birth.
I also do get on well with FIL.

She might be good with them when she's around them, but she clearly doesn't have much in the way of feelings for them, as she's happy to never see them again.

No need to try and build one-sided relationships with her, she'll just hurt the DC later. :(

Stand your ground girl!
Thank goodness you and your husband are on the same page!

Are they too hard up to pay for a B&B?