To not want in-laws to stay

[Bananamama1213]

DH has a very strange relationship with his Step-mum. They have never really got on. But always civil. His relationship with his dad is also strange, but getting much better lately. We see him fortnightly for an hour, she only comes when she can be bothered to get out of bed (FIL words).

They can be very judgemental, and the main issue is her. She seems to want to argue with anyone who doesn't agree with what she wants to happen. It's not the first time she's tried to fall out with me either. FIL has lost lots of friends because she falls out with them all. He just goes along with whatever.

ANYWAY
She text me the other day, asking if they could stay over (they have a blow up bed and bedding) because it's a friends 50th and they'd like somewhere to rest their 'very pissed' heads.
I replied, apologised, saying that it's our anniversary that day so we have plans. And i also wouldn't advise it because DS gets up at 6 and watches tv downstairs. (No way would he stay upstairs, we tried before).
She replied with "thanks"

I ignored it because it was late and I was going to sleep. I don't like to argue so figured leaving it would be best.

She text me while I was on the school run saying "do you know that has really upset me. We never ask for anything, we only wanted a place to rest our heads"

Now, DH is really not happy that she's acting like this. He feels that it doesn't matter if they have never asked for anything, but this ask is too much.
He doesn't want "very pissed' people coming back to our house on our anniversary - regardless of who they are. I agree with him.

Any other night, may not have been so bad. But I'm pregnant with our third, and we have 2 young children already. So we won't get to have a nice meal out and time with eachother for quite a while afterwards.. realistically who wants to babysit 3 children! Also we never go out with eachother, I've had this planned for ages.

*AIBU not wanting them to stay?
*
Most of my friends who I've asked, say they wouldn't want someone staying over on their anniversary. Especially coming back pissed when our children will be around.

One of them is saying that they'd be back late so why does it matter if they have a blow up bed etc.

I'd just reply 'ok' and leave it at that. What a drama lama!

Wow she is rude.

OP, you really don't have to justify yourself to her. It's your home, your kids, your wedding anniversary that you and your H made plans for. She's ridiculous.

SO this woman is picking fights with all of your father's friends and family, often behind his back.

It sounds like she is deliberately trying to isolate him from all of his sources of support.

Is she controlling in other ways?

@Goldmandra yes, she is controlling. Everything has to be on her timetable or she'll get grumpy.

Once, I refused to carry one of my children on my lap, in the car because it's not safe. She didn't like that so she said we wouldn't bother going out. It was assumed that because I babywear, I didn't need a car seat for the (then) baby.

I think that because she didn't want children, she doesn't understand how things work surrounding them.

I'm wondering if the control is a bit more pernicious than just not understanding children.

Could driving a wedge between your FIL and your DH be her agenda?

Does she control other aspects of their lives or wouldn't you know?

Isolating someone from all of their friends and family is quite a big red flag for domestic abuse.

@Goldmandra I don't know too much but she's already succeeding in pulling him away from DHs brother. He's 2 years younger but hasn't done anything with his life - he is too lazy to even sign on. Just smokes weed all day.. she takes great pleasure in complaining about him when she visits.

He doesn't have any friends left from what we can figure out. Even the woman DH saw today said that she has moved him as far away as she can (30 min drive) and isolating him from friends.
DH said he used to go to the football club every week and has done for as long as he can remember. Then suddenly stopped when she fell out with this woman.

They've been married for 10 years so clearly they are happy.. he just doesn't seem so when he comes over on his own! He clearly wants to spend longer with the children - DS is obsessed with playing football with grandad, but he just doesn't get long enough.

Something DH said earlier - she has asked to stay because they want somewhere to sleep.. but she doesn't often come visit with him.. she comes so little now that DS (who is 5!) actually asked me "why doesn't nana --- come with grandad anymore?"
So she only wants to stay, because it will benefit her. But she isn't bothered about seeing our children unless she has something else to do in our town.

FIL text this morning saying he'd be over this morning.. I am currently at a children's party so I'm not sure if DH has spoken to him yet! So I haven't had to see him either, and I don't think SMIL would come with.

They've been married for 10 years so clearly they are happy

Not necessarily. There are many people in abusive relationships who have been with their partners for years. They don't have the energy to escape.

It really does sound like she's emotionally abusive to your FIL, especially now she's isolating him, that's a classic abusers tactic, isolate them so they can't get support from family and friends to leave.
I don't think you should just brush off how she treats FIL. This actually sounds quite serious.

I spoke to DH when I got home..

He brought it up with FIL and he said that he didn't know anything about her asking, but once he was made aware - he didn't understand why she even wanted to stay.

He apologised to DH for how she spoke to me and said she gets over emotional and far too passionate.

And by "over emotional" he means belligerent and by "far too passionate" he means rude and controlling, yes?

I think your husband needs to have a frank discussion with his dad about how he's being isolated from his friends and family.
SMIL sounds like a fully blown narcissist.....i see this kind of behaviour from my elder sibling.

FIL chooses to stay with her - for whatever reason. Perhaps your husband should ask his dad why he allows her to control him and his life like that?

I think you were too polite with her........my response would have been "my home is NOT a dosspad for pissheads!"

WELL we have an update!

DH just got a text from his dad.. it said that Step-Mum has asked him to tell us that she is still very upset and feels that she won't be able to come see us anymore. She feels unappreciated. He said he didn't think she felt so strongly and it wouldn't change his visiting us and the children.

DH replied saying that he doesn't understand why she's being so dramatic because we said no. That he didn't want to get involved but he thinks she needs to talk to me because he's not happy with what she said to me and that it upset me but I wasn't going on about it.

It didn't actually upset me, so I'm not sure why he said that but he didn't ask me to proof read like normal so I have to go with it!

BUT now, my issue is that it's her birthday in a couple of weeks. I have ordered a present but I don't know what to do with it.. do I give it to her? (Well FIL to pass on).

Yes. Give it to your FIL to pass on. Put her behaviour in perspective by being mature and moving on.

Let your FIL know that it's really important to you that he continues to visit lots and keep in touch with his DGC. If she would like to join him, she would be more than welcome but if she would rather not, he is very welcome on his own any time.

Yes, be the better person. Send her the present, and also say to FIL what Goldmandra suggested.

Can you give her a call? She's behaving like a spoilt child. I think I would just call her and say what a shame you think it would be to not see her anymore (etc). Do it for peace.

She sounds just like my step-mother, so you have my sympathy! We have limited contact since she caused a fight by criticising my DH... she attacked me after I told her a few home truths. Thankfully they live in a different country.

I will give her the present and be just as nice as normal. I will still message to say happy birthday.
If she doesn't respond or even say thank you for the present then she's showing exactly what she's like.

I couldn't give her a ring - she is the kind of person to go off on one. And I'm not good at confrontation, especially over the phone. I cry far too easily!

I will definitely reiterate to FIL how important it is for us for him to have a relationship with our children.

I am wondering if she'll stay silent with us until the baby is here and then suddenly want a relationship again. But that isn't until April so we shall just have to see!

I got her a garden ornament from Olive and Sage. It's a "flambino" which is super cute. My mum got one for her friend and I fell in love with it. It's something I think SMIL will like. But I umm'd and ahh'd over which one to get - it was a toss up between the flamingo or the cow as they were both similarly priced.. wishing I went for the cow now haha!!

I took the opportunity to speak to FIL this morning as he came over while DH was at work.

I started with “do you think this feud will last longer than Christmas”
And he said that she won’t ever come round again. The main issue was that we said no to her, not really about the reason. The issue was she asked something and we said no.

So I said “but obviously there’s going to be a baby soon, surely it can’t go on that long.”

And he said that she sees it as better the children forget her now while they’re young. Because as she sees it, if FIL passed away - she’s nothing to them anyway.

I said that it isn’t true, she’s still Nana **, and they are old enough that they won't forget her.. But he said she doesnt see it like that.

So it looks like she has cut herself out of our family, and we wouldn't have known anything about it if I hadn't asked FIL today!

IGNORE HER.

Stop rising to her amateur dramatics. She clearly wants to keep threatening things until you feel pressured to reach out to her and mend the breach. She's annoying, you have a mother and a MIL; let her do what she likes.

FIL is being sent over to deliver messages of doom. Change the subject and enjoy your time together. SMIL will soon drop the act when she realizes it doesn't get her any attention.

wow I can't believe this is still going on. She sounds unhinged

Great, niw you know you can move on! Ignore her!

I don't see the issue. You obviously don't like her, DH doesn't like her she has obviously never been a stepmother to him as such. She obviously feels the same and has decided she doesn't want to see you anymore. Surely this makes life easier all round? It would surely only be a problem if she tried to stop FIL coming round? I would just stop talking about her, other than via polite 'I hope Mavis is well'-type enquiry.

Why are you bringing it up when FIL visits?

he said that she sees it as better the children forget her now while they’re young. Because as she sees it, if FIL passed away - she’s nothing to them anyway

How very melodramatic! She obviously wants you to bow and scrape to her uttering many apologies as you go. Just keep on ignoring her behaviour