To not want in-laws to stay

[Bananamama1213]

DH has a very strange relationship with his Step-mum. They have never really got on. But always civil. His relationship with his dad is also strange, but getting much better lately. We see him fortnightly for an hour, she only comes when she can be bothered to get out of bed (FIL words).

They can be very judgemental, and the main issue is her. She seems to want to argue with anyone who doesn't agree with what she wants to happen. It's not the first time she's tried to fall out with me either. FIL has lost lots of friends because she falls out with them all. He just goes along with whatever.

ANYWAY
She text me the other day, asking if they could stay over (they have a blow up bed and bedding) because it's a friends 50th and they'd like somewhere to rest their 'very pissed' heads.
I replied, apologised, saying that it's our anniversary that day so we have plans. And i also wouldn't advise it because DS gets up at 6 and watches tv downstairs. (No way would he stay upstairs, we tried before).
She replied with "thanks"

I ignored it because it was late and I was going to sleep. I don't like to argue so figured leaving it would be best.

She text me while I was on the school run saying "do you know that has really upset me. We never ask for anything, we only wanted a place to rest our heads"

Now, DH is really not happy that she's acting like this. He feels that it doesn't matter if they have never asked for anything, but this ask is too much.
He doesn't want "very pissed' people coming back to our house on our anniversary - regardless of who they are. I agree with him.

Any other night, may not have been so bad. But I'm pregnant with our third, and we have 2 young children already. So we won't get to have a nice meal out and time with eachother for quite a while afterwards.. realistically who wants to babysit 3 children! Also we never go out with eachother, I've had this planned for ages.

*AIBU not wanting them to stay?
*
Most of my friends who I've asked, say they wouldn't want someone staying over on their anniversary. Especially coming back pissed when our children will be around.

One of them is saying that they'd be back late so why does it matter if they have a blow up bed etc.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

No they're not hard up at all. They're constantly going to see comedians and other shows. Or going out for dinners, or mini breaks.

I feel really sad for your FIL, he always went to the football club on a Saturday, as long as dh can remember and SMIL has engineered things now so that he can’t. And your ds wants to play football with him but there’s not enough time.

It sounds to me like some sort of inervention is requird. Can your dh start taking ds out on a Saturday, with FIL too? Would she really object strongly to an all-boys bonding session? Woud your FIL feel strongly enough to stand up to her over it, if your dh were to at least seem to want it hard enough?

It really does look to me like she is isolating FIL from everyone he holds dear.

Apologies for typos, the iPad keyboard is behaving atrociously atm.

Obviously you have a very good relationship with your MIL so maybe your Step MIL feels like she is on the sidelines looking in. Maybe she feels like she doesn't really belong ....

That may well be the case user, but it hardly excuses her behaviour.....

I have a Fifi Flamingo 😍

I have a Fifi Flamingo

She's really faded though

So she's rather like Blanche DuBois . . .

She's definitely not jealous of the relationship I have with MIL. I get on really well with her but we don't see her often. We're very similar in things we like.

I've never really mentioned MIL in front of SMIL because I know how she feels. SMIL can't even be civil with her! MIL doesn't understand why she still hates her so much. MIL and FIL split up with DH was 11. They've both been married since. SMIL is FIL third wife.

FIL wouldn't just take out DS and DH. We spoke about it when DS said he wanted to play football at a club on a Saturday morning. We asked FIL if he wanted to go along with us (I would've happily stayed at home with DD) but he always has a list of jobs from her.
DS changed his mind very quickly after trying after school club football - he decided football clubs aren't for him because he's not allowed in goal the whole time haha.

When FIL does come round, he always mentions the jobs he has. Yesterday it was walking their dog before they went to meet her friends for lunch. She was at home so could've easily walked the dog - they live a couple of minutes walk away from the field they take her to. Other times it's been repainting a room, tiling the bathroom, rearranging a room. Things like that.

When DS was a baby, he did come weekly after he'd been to work on a Saturday morning. He once got us a packet of nappies and used the club card. After a few months, they got a voucher through for them and she was pissed off that he got them. (He told us this). And it was after then, that he started coming fortnightly. DS is nearly 6 now.

I don't know what to say to the children when they ask why she doesn't come anymore. I've been doing the whole "I think she's working today" which they seem to accept, but I can't use that forever!

When we say FIL is coming over, they always say "do you mean Grandad with Nana xxx" so they associate them together every bloody time.

I've got Dido the dog and Chad the chicken for mum for Christmas 😁

He said he didn't think she felt so strongly and it wouldn't change his visiting us and the children

It already has

She’s a family shredder. She wants him to herself and she’s been looking for an excuse all along

I also don’t like the buying wrong sizes... my mum did this and it’s a pop at the size of the child. Nice people make that mistake once. They take the clothes back and they ask and listen the next time...

To keep giving things that are wrong, create work and are pointless mean they’re not gifts.

Being pissed off that he’s picked up nappies is proof of my point. She’s passive aggressive and resentful

Just ignore her. She's a selfish and paranoid woman who will never change. I would tell her that, but I know it's difficult to.

She has serious issues with jealousy (jealous of FILs ex wife, jealous of his friends, jealous of his family) she will always find problems unless he is with her 100% of the time and even that's not enough. Hope he leaves her.

Time to just think to yourself that it's her choice and her loss. She obviously wants the big fuss and apology, but you just need to ignore and move on. The children won't be bothered, they have other grandparents in their lives. The key is to maintain relations with your FIL.

I think you have to find a longer term answer for the children re. why she's no longer visiting - but they will stop asking soon enough. Thing is, you shouldn't be the one who has to answer it - let them ask FIL.

Don't give her any more head space. Both you and dh are on the same page so she can sulk all she wants. Actuallu it's a win for you, she won't ever ask anything and most probably won't be coming around again so that's brilliant.

I can kind of understand her feelings in a way. She's right...they'd be in around midnight and your DS will just wake them up...not traumatic to find your Grandfather on a blow up mattress at all!

But they should be in a position to pay for a hotel at their age so it's tough really.

Why are you so desperate to push yourself onto someone who clearly has no interest in you?
Work on keeping your relationship with your fil and let the relationship with your smil fade.

@mickeysminnie I'm not desperate to push myself or DH on to her - but our children. They are FILs only grandchildren after all.
I know she never wanted children of her own, but she's always shown love for them.

But her love for those children is conditional on doing what she wants! Why would you want your kids to experience that? It's not love, it's control.

Are you 100% sure that this is about her? Where is your own mother? Cos from here it sounds like you are more alike than you think. You both use the kids for control over other people.

@WateryBintDistributingSwords

My mum lives less than a minute away from my house, I speak to her daily, I see her around 3-4 times a week and we have tea at her house once a week.
She is also going to be at the birth with MIL - she was with me for the other two.

I don't use my children to try control people.
I just don't understand how you can watch children grow up from newborn (especially family) and then just leave.

Your SMIL is a manipulative cow! Talk about over dramatic she should have a place at RADA ffs !!! Let her get in with it - if you have contact just say sorry you've taken so badly to being told no but if that's your decision then that's fine - as long as it doesn't affect our relationship with our FIL
Don't give it a thought you don't want your kids growing up around somebody so toxic if they don't get their own way!

She's vile. If she kept seeing your DC eventually they'd be old enough to 'offend' her or be manipulated. Best she's stropped off now, frankly.

And if I was your DH I'd resent my DF for being such a spineless sod.

@DownTownAbbey He has a strange relationship with his Dad.

He doesn't resent him - but he's very frustrated that she's getting away with pushing people away. It's not the kind of relationship that he feels he can say anything.

I was able to speak to FIL easier when DH wasn't here. FIL seemed more willing to talk to me, but I'm not sure if that's because I was asking the questions.

When I told DH everything that was said, he told me that FIL is very good at spinning a sob story and making you feel sorry for him.
I was feeling bad for him when FIL said that Christmas isn't the same when it's just those 2, as it feels like any other day. That's why he liked coming here to see the children Christmas morning. Which won't be happening anymore.