To not want in-laws to stay

[Bananamama1213]

DH has a very strange relationship with his Step-mum. They have never really got on. But always civil. His relationship with his dad is also strange, but getting much better lately. We see him fortnightly for an hour, she only comes when she can be bothered to get out of bed (FIL words).

They can be very judgemental, and the main issue is her. She seems to want to argue with anyone who doesn't agree with what she wants to happen. It's not the first time she's tried to fall out with me either. FIL has lost lots of friends because she falls out with them all. He just goes along with whatever.

ANYWAY
She text me the other day, asking if they could stay over (they have a blow up bed and bedding) because it's a friends 50th and they'd like somewhere to rest their 'very pissed' heads.
I replied, apologised, saying that it's our anniversary that day so we have plans. And i also wouldn't advise it because DS gets up at 6 and watches tv downstairs. (No way would he stay upstairs, we tried before).
She replied with "thanks"

I ignored it because it was late and I was going to sleep. I don't like to argue so figured leaving it would be best.

She text me while I was on the school run saying "do you know that has really upset me. We never ask for anything, we only wanted a place to rest our heads"

Now, DH is really not happy that she's acting like this. He feels that it doesn't matter if they have never asked for anything, but this ask is too much.
He doesn't want "very pissed' people coming back to our house on our anniversary - regardless of who they are. I agree with him.

Any other night, may not have been so bad. But I'm pregnant with our third, and we have 2 young children already. So we won't get to have a nice meal out and time with eachother for quite a while afterwards.. realistically who wants to babysit 3 children! Also we never go out with eachother, I've had this planned for ages.

*AIBU not wanting them to stay?
*
Most of my friends who I've asked, say they wouldn't want someone staying over on their anniversary. Especially coming back pissed when our children will be around.

One of them is saying that they'd be back late so why does it matter if they have a blow up bed etc.

I wouldn't reply to that. You have been perfectly reasonable. Glad your DH knows what he's dealing with.

Just ignore and don't rise to it. I'd try and avoid anything being said to your FIL either. Let it all blow over and hopefully she'll realise it's not going to get her anywhere. It's too trivial to create a massive row over.

Good for your DH.

Sounds like he hasn't got much hope of getting anywhere with either of them, but if you know that's likely to be the case, you collectively have very little to lose if your DH looks his dad in the eye and simply says, we've both had enough, tell her we don't care enough to want a fight with her so we'll both be ignoring any nonsense from now on.

Anniversaries are special to some people. I certainly like to celebrate meeting the best person I've ever known x

Look, don't feel bad about it, even your DH has said she's out of order and you should ignore her. Normally on these types of threads, the DH is still letting their parents get away with this sort of shit, so it's not like you've got to try to keep him happy. It sounds like he doesn't want anything to do with her, so let it go.

I hope you have a lovely evening out on your anniversary!

I would want to reply to that last text with "brilliant, glad we understand each other" but that would probably not be helpful .

But I agree with Sprinkle - do take care that this doesn't sour the relationship between dh and FIL.

If only she wouldn't ask for anything in the future but my guess is she will!

Text back 'OK'. That'll really piss her off!

She's said she'll never ask for anything ever again - good result for you, hooray! There is no need to reply.

Like a pp said, you don't want any chance of your DCs seeing their grandparents drunk, so that's just one of the good reasons why they can't come. And they've said they will be 'very pissed'. Pathetic of them at that age (I'm that age myself). Are they the kind to get so drunk they're vomiting all over the place, too? If so, yuck.

Text back

'Result!! '

The thing is, OPs DS wakes at 6am and goes Dow stairs to watch tv quietly I assume so the rest of the household continue to sleep?

If there are two people sleeping in there, who he doesn't really know, depending on his age and personality he isn't likely to crack on regardless but more likely to go back upstairs into his parents room and expect entertaining, which is fucking annoying, especially considering you don't like them.

Could your mom come over and look after the kids whilst you go out and then stay the night?

I’m sure that would put them off wanting to stay, unless they all get on of course x

Personally I feel strongly about people inviting themselves to my house, if I ask you you’re welcome if I don’t you aren’t, bloody cheek, I hate people using others for their own connivence. Hopefully this will put them off visiting at all for a while.

Oh, fuck them off, both of them! Who wants pissed people traipsing in well after midnight when you know your little kids will be up at 6am and then you'll be there trying to keep them quiet. They can get a hotel.

Why on Earth are you apologising and making excuses to them?

Just, 'Unfortunately, that won't be possible. We have some prior commitments that weekend.' The end.

Ignore all her PA bullshit, just don't engage.

I wouldn't want pissed people coming over after midnight when I had early-rising toddlers - neither is very quite or considerate.

Your DH's relationship with his father is his business and job, not yours. Leave him to handle it.

Your DH's relationship with his father is his business and job, not yours. Leave him to handle it.

But the stepmother contacted the OP. So it is her business.

I highly doubt the FIL even knew that SMIL even contacted OP regarding them staying at OPs house. I'll bet my bottom dollar she's done it just to cause some shit, she sounds like she likes to create a shitstorm and sit back and watch it all unfold. She sound completely undesirable as a person. Best of luck OP & your DH, do let us know how it all pans out

'But the stepmother contacted the OP. So it is her business.'

Oh, I completely agree! That's why I don't see why the OP should even be offering up excuses to the SMIL, who doesn't like taking no for an answer But then someone else advised the OP to play nice so as not to sour her DH's relationship with his dad. Nah. Her DH is an adult, he can handle that relationship himself.

Actually I've just re-read her text and I would reply -

'Oh! No I didn't know that actually'

Goodness, she really is very rude isn’t she?

MN doesn’t seem to celebrate wedding anniversaries in general, but we do and neither of us would want guests if we were celebrating.

I would ignore the last text and not reply. I’d make sure that FIL
is aware of the contents though.

DS who goes downstairs is 5 1/2. He likes coming down as he can get his biscuits out and watch whatever he wants on Netflix - Transformers etc.. DD is 4 and sleeps in our bed so she wouldn't get up until 8ish.

All of DHs family get in contact with me rather than him. Purely because it's easier as I have my phone with my always, whereas he's terrible with his.

I actually really like FIL. We just don't like how he lets her dictate everything.
DH bumped into one of FILs oldest friends today and she was saying that they don't see him anymore as SMIL had a go at the woman over nothing, and now he doesn't go to the football club.
He is always saying about things she is making him do, which is why he has to leave ours early when he does visit.. because she has "a list"

Honestly, I think she likes to cause an argument. That she's not happy unless she's complaining!

She fell out with us before because she couldn't understand why I refused to leave my 6 month old EBF child for 12 hours for a trip she unexpectedly booked for us. She offered to have DS overnight until I told her that at 2, he wouldn't stay in a bed alone in a house that he's been to once.
I had to explain why we couldn't go on the trip, but got the money refunded and we had a day out with the children.
She wouldn't talk to us or visit for a good few months because she was annoyed.

I also do like her, although it doesn't seem like it! She's just very hard work.

Only the next couple of days will tell what's going on! It's FIL weekend to visit, and we are not replying to her text so we shall see if he wants to come round. We would never stop him seeing them.

@sammie96 my mum has 2 children under 10 of her own so couldn't come stay at my house.. and lives 2 minutes away so I don't think I can get away with that one haha! She is more than happy to have them while we have our meal though.

If I asked MIL then that would 100% put them off. SMIL cannot bare to be in the same room as her - even though it was 16 years ago that they split up! And FIL had a second wife between them. SMIL is third wife.

Oh my goodness what a complete drama queen. I'm glad you haven't given her the satisfaction of replying. Her behaviour is incredibly selfish and childish.

When we got married, we went to the registry office with our mums.
DH is closer to his mum and I only have my mum (my dad passed away when I was a baby). Having a ceremony isn't us. We don't like being the centre of attention, so this suited us perfectly.

When SMIL found out, she text me saying they weren't going to come if they couldn't see us get married.

Our reception was at my mums house, we did the whole thing and garden up - it was perfect for us. The whole day cost around £700 (including my wedding dress!) so worked out well. We told people they could arrive any time after 1 as that's when we'd be back.

They turned up at 6, had some food and left. They were there for less than one hour. They stayed at the bottom of the garden to avoid MIL! Which MIL finds hilarious because she doesn't understand what SMILs problem is.

She sounds awful! How dare she try and guilt trip you. Just get a bloody premier inn or travelodge ffs! I wouldn't have her to stay at any time if this is how she speaks to you

She's taking the piss. Wanting to come in after midnight,
pissed and no doubt disturbing your dc and you? I don't understand how she doesn't realise that that's really unreasonable. Just ignore her. I'd also ask your dh to deal with her in future or ask your fil to tell her to stop messaging you at all.