WYOO

[Zacsmum08]

Hi
Me and OH are disagreeing on this so need others opinions.

My son is the 'cool' kid in the class (yr 5). It's a small church school and my son is a people person. He is the leader of the pack and all the kids love hI'm. .. he is very funny and charming. Thing is ... he is also selfish and can be nasty. If he decides he doesn't like someone the rest follow suit. It's never been too much of an issue although I have needed to talk to him a few times about the way he treats his friends.

There is a new girl in the class, a refugee. Her parents don't speak English and no one plays with her. She invited him to her party but he refused to gone. When I dug deeper it came out that no one is going and the whole class laughs at her because she is a 'baby' who still likes Paw Patrol and acts like she is 6. (She may have a learning difficulty, not sure, or maybe it's just because she is from a very different culture).

Anyway long story short I think we should force him to go, I tried to bribe him with a treat if he went but he is still refusing. I've tried explaining that he should do this nice thing for her but he is having none of it. He says it will ruin his image and the rest will mock him. I've explained that if he goes then others might follow bit nope. He is a naturally selfish person, always has been... something I am trying to work on. This is one of the reasons why I think he has to go, he needs to learn about being nice to others even when it doesn't benefit you. Another reason is because I was the outcast at school and knows how this little girl must feel.
My OH was the cool kid at school so has a different opunion. He says we shouldn't force it as it could be too embarrassing for my son ano may result in him being teased and loosing his 'cool' popularity.

So what do you all think? Do we force him to go or let him miss it? He burst into tears when I explained he might have to go. I don't want to hurt my son but surely there is a valuable life lesson for him to learn here about being nice to others.

Thanks

I'm not sure is make him go because he could make matters worse for her.

My Mum persuaded me to invite the bully who absolutely ruins my birthday party.

What about extending an invitation for her to come to your house on a one to one?

Definitely educate him about refuges though. They deserve a medal, not being bullied.

Could you get a few parents to help step in and start involving the girl socially? It is horrific to think if her being ignored by such young children.

Bully.

Lola OP's honesty re DS is not an invitation for you to trash her or her DS.

You sound like a brilliant mother your husband is being twatty.
You have the right idea of how to do it. Make him go.

Longer term there's lots of stuff in popular culture portraying popular mean kids in a negative light, American high school movies and so on. Do you think it would be worth using watching something like that together as a starting point, to talk to him about modifying his behaviour?

My Mum persuaded me to invite the bully who absolutely ruins my birthday party.

That's a completely different scenario. If my DC was bullied by another, I would never invite the bully.
However, OP has the right idea. She knows her son is showing some traits he shouldn't have. She knows she has to control them now.
I think it is possible to set strict ground rules and red lines that mean if he crosses them at her party,he faces certain consequences.

I haven't RTFT so don't know if any pp's have suggested you educate your son on refugees and the struggles this girl and her family have faced and are still facing?

Getting together with the other mums in the class to intervene and speak to their children is a great idea aswell.

People on this thread need to stop demonizing your DS ffs he's what 9/10? DH needs a kick up the backside though as he seems to be encouraging unkind behaviour in the pursuit of popularity.

In your shoes:

1. I would explain to your DS that this girl, with her Paw Pateol and whatnot, has probably dealt with more hard shit in her life than he has. And she's still standing. Now who's cool?

1. I would also explain that it's easy being the tough guy, but it can seem difficult to be the hand of kindness. In reality, kindness comes easily to the vast majority of people on earth, at least on a face-to-face level.

1. Probably not a popular idea with MN audience: I would go to the party myself, with or without DS. Prior knowledge of this, and the fact he would feel it'd show him up, would hopefully have the effect of forcing him to go. The bigger picture, whether he goes with you or not, is that you are demonstrating kindness and empathy to your son, you are supporting the girl's parents and demonstrating the constituent traits of the community this family has fled to, and you may also end up showing kindness to the girl.

This is a huge opportunity for your DS, one I don't think you should waste. Not in a position to guess what it means to the girl, but I'm pretty sure it's not a small thing. Whatever happens, this episode could be something that he remembers for a long time.

I don't know how well you know your son's parents but could they be persuaded to also get their kids to go to this party, your son won't perceive to be having his street cred ruined if a few go...?

What an unpleasant climate seems to dominate in this lovely 'small church school'. I think this is something worth speaking to the class teacher about. Sounds a bit as if all the kids need some guidance in what really matters. What do your son's teachers say about his behaviour?

OP, I applaud your clear view of your son. I'm guessing that probably his father's attitude isn't helping - if the family culture is to value kindness over coolness he would probably follow suit, and I'm guessing you're trying to instil that culture on your own. I wonder if it's time to go the other way from bribing with treats - telling him that when he shows unkind behaviour, it doesn't make you inclined to put yourself out to do nice things for him? An object lesson in kindness breeding kindness and the opposite? Has he got a birthday coming? (Presumably not, if he's already 10 and in Y5, but the principle could apply to other things) I wouldn't be pshing the boat out for an amazing party if his consideration for others didn't improve - it'd be a couple of friends home for tea and cake.

All that said, I wouldn't necessarily make him go to the party - but I did like the suggestion above for you to go yourself, with a lovely present and some food to help out.

Thinking further, from what you describe of him, he's not a 'people person', he's a manipulator. Have you ever asked him why he thinks he's popular? It might be worth encouraging some introspection and trying to get a feel for how he sees himself - and, if appropriate, telling some home truths.

WTF is the cool kid at school?

Is that the nasty ring leader bully?

He doesn’t have status he a school boy, no better than any other child in that school!

Tell your OH your son has nothing to lose!!!

He hasn't been mean to this girl, he says no one is mean to her as the school is very strict on bullying. They just all avoid her and he says the girls in the class make comments behind her back about being a'baby'

They are being mean to her and the school is not strict on bullying as I can't believe they haven't noticed her isolation.

But I'm glad you're going to deal with your son.

Can you befriend the parents when you see them in the playground? Model some behaviour to your son, perhaps? Maybe something around welcoming new people. In this case it's people who are new to the country. But if your son is Yr 5, in less than 2 years he's going going to be the newbie!

Tbh if I'd been through what this girl probably has endured, I'd be seeking the comfort of stuff like Paw Patrol as well. Plus young programmes like that might well be helping her develop her English language skills.

I think perhaps if you speak to school with what you have learned about this poor child's exclusion, they might actually work on solving it? They need to address it and also let the other children how damn lucky they are that they live where they do in relative peace and security.

(I wouldn't make your ds go to her party, but I would invite the family round for a coffee or something like that, if the adults seem isolated as well. You say they're new but not how recently they have arrived? Are they integrating OK?)

"Tbh if I'd been through what this girl probably has endured, I'd be seeking the comfort of stuff like Paw Patrol as well. Plus young programmes like that might well be helping her develop her English language skills."

Agree.

Can't stop thinking about this girl, and the many others suffering like her, even when their journey is supposedly 'over'.

I would start punishing him until he started to modify his attitude. Withdrawal of toys etc.

Do people really think that you can teach compassion and altruism by slapping, forcing, ignoring and taking things away? I really don't think you can.

DD is pretty compassionate despite having terrible impulse control and being a bull in a china shop.

We model it. I work in homelessness so she sees me chat to clients. We house pregnant homeless teens in our house. We talk about refugees and how some kids don't have things. Not in a 'you should be grateful' but matter of fact. She's seen pictures of Syria and Libya (one of her friends is from there and a refugee). Modelling rubs off.

Can you show him a video or an article (obviously not too graphic or anything, something age appropriate) that shows the kind of place she would have came from?

Might help him too be a little bit kinder towards her.

I’d gently push him towards going and try and encourage other parents to do the same with their children.

Agree with what another poster said though, try and introduce her to new toys etc with her birthday presents.

I remember reading one article years ago about a man who was reminiscing about his mother and how strict she was growing up - as a child he mocked the present he received from a poor child in the neighbourhood (I think the child’s mother was long term ill and a single Mum), so as punishment and to teach him a lesson on kindness his mother made him take his birthday presents round to the other child’s house. Obviously this is quite an extreme punishment but in the article he was looking back and saying how much he loved his Mum for making the difficult decisions that shaped him into being a better person.

Your son needs lessons in kindness and empathy.He is a bully and as has been said the other kids are obviously just keeping on side, I feel sorry for the girl. As the Grandmother of a child who suffered horrendous bullying I feel desperately sorry for any child who comes up against a child like yours. But what goes around comes around.

Perhaps it would actually be kinder to this little girl to not have these nasty bullies and their ring leader at her party. She will probably be happier with her parents on her birthday. She will have noticed at that age that no one plays with her and I am sure she has told her parents.

As for young son being top dog in year 5 and worried about his social status: the only way is down I'm afraid. He is king of his particular hill at the moment but just wait until secondary school, university, work, etc

Can you explain to him that as the popular kid he has a responsibility to welcome new kids to the class and make sure they are treated right. I dunno if it is possible but maybe give it a go