WYOO

[Zacsmum08]

Hi
Me and OH are disagreeing on this so need others opinions.

My son is the 'cool' kid in the class (yr 5). It's a small church school and my son is a people person. He is the leader of the pack and all the kids love hI'm. .. he is very funny and charming. Thing is ... he is also selfish and can be nasty. If he decides he doesn't like someone the rest follow suit. It's never been too much of an issue although I have needed to talk to him a few times about the way he treats his friends.

There is a new girl in the class, a refugee. Her parents don't speak English and no one plays with her. She invited him to her party but he refused to gone. When I dug deeper it came out that no one is going and the whole class laughs at her because she is a 'baby' who still likes Paw Patrol and acts like she is 6. (She may have a learning difficulty, not sure, or maybe it's just because she is from a very different culture).

Anyway long story short I think we should force him to go, I tried to bribe him with a treat if he went but he is still refusing. I've tried explaining that he should do this nice thing for her but he is having none of it. He says it will ruin his image and the rest will mock him. I've explained that if he goes then others might follow bit nope. He is a naturally selfish person, always has been... something I am trying to work on. This is one of the reasons why I think he has to go, he needs to learn about being nice to others even when it doesn't benefit you. Another reason is because I was the outcast at school and knows how this little girl must feel.
My OH was the cool kid at school so has a different opunion. He says we shouldn't force it as it could be too embarrassing for my son ano may result in him being teased and loosing his 'cool' popularity.

So what do you all think? Do we force him to go or let him miss it? He burst into tears when I explained he might have to go. I don't want to hurt my son but surely there is a valuable life lesson for him to learn here about being nice to others.

Thanks

[LostSight]

Have you explained to him what you told us? That you were the outcast at school and it feels awful. Would knowing his Mum once felt that way help him to find his empathy?

Difficult to know if you should force him into it if he really doesn't want to go as only you will know whether he would then be even nastier to her. But I would go with a combo of everything people have suggested here in order to encourage compassion within him.

You say your husband was the same at school. Is he nice now? Or is he a little bit lacking in empathy as well?

[BoomBoomBoomBoooom]

Would you go to a party of someone you neither know nor particularly like?

No, I wouldn't, why would you force your child? You'll make him resent the girl.

There's odd people everywhere that others avoid. How many creepy guy at work/bus/shop threads do we get everyday? Not everyone will be a social butterfly, just stay out of it. Parents forcing their child's social lives is not nice.

[sonsmum]

forcing him to go to the party isn't such a good idea. He may not behave as you'd like and do more damage.
I think you have to work on his empathic/sensitive side and try to get him to see situations 'from the other side'.
The whole class is showing bullying behaviour, but they are just kids, they don't realise that exclusion is bullying.
If he seems unwilling to change, you could always try the 'i think your friends are having a bad effect on you'. The threat of moving him to another school and away from this peer group may have a profound effect on him (though depends if you think you could carry out the threat).

[TammySwansonTwo]

A few things come to mind...

If he truly is the popular kid and the others follow his lead, this unpleasantness towards her could well be based on his treatment of her, and could certainly be solved by him being nice to her and going to her party and telling others to do the same. He could be a key part of her being accepted. I'm wondering if there are any films suitable for his age that show the cool kid being nice to the unpopular kids and that being what makes them cool? I'm sure I've seen this storyline but I'm trying to place it.

I'd be trying to encourage empathy for her by telling / showing him what refugees have to go through and asking him how he would feel if he had to leave behind his friends, his school, his toys, his home and some of his family? Perhaps if he can relate to it directly he will understand why she is struggling. It's great that you make him do charity work, I would be doing that too, and if he focussing on building empathy by getting him to personally relate to the situations he's facing.

Lastly, I would really be focussing on getting him to understand that there are far more important things in life than what other people think about him. He may not always be the popular one, especially if he continues to be self-centred, and then he's in for a life of desperately trying to please people and make them like him. It's not a fun way to be.

I really feel for you as it sounds like you're really trying to help your son become a better person - I'm not sure your partner is helping much. I'd hope that as an adult he would realise that being popular at school really wasn't that important. Is he selfish too? Maybe your son is picking this up rather than it being innate?

[Rachie1973]

Can you perhaps start speaking to the Mother at the school gates? I know you say she doesn't speak English but it may be that she has a few words or is looking to learn the language.

The sign for a cup of coffee is pretty universal. If you can have her in your home and start getting to know her, chances are the little girl will be there as well at some point and a friendly relationship may start to develop between them.

How do the other children know she likes Paw Patrol btw if none of them speak to her? Is it one of those bitchy things put about by other little girls?

[LakieLady]

I haven't RTFT so don't know if any pp's have suggested you educate your son on refugees and the struggles this girl and her family have faced and are still facing

I was going to suggest it! I've supported a couple of refugee families over the years and the stuff the children have witnessed is horrific. Make him watch the news, OP and see the plight of the Rohingya, living in camps because they have been burned out of their villages, and ask him what he thinks of the despair and hardship those children are suffering. If you know what country this poor girl is from, you could easily find relevant material online.

Bullying by social exclusion is as bad as any other sort, and that is what your son and his peers are doing to this girl. The school needs to get a handle on that asap, and imo you should bring it to their attention.

[Hoppinggreen]

I don't think that your son sounds like a bully and maybe I'm projecting here but at Primary I was the cool kid until I befriended a girl who nobody liked and became an outcast like her
My adult self knows I did the right thing but 10 year old me regretted it deeply and wished I hadn't
It is not your sons job to improve this child's social life and no he shouldn't have to go to her party
If he can use his influence to get people to be a bit nicer to her ( e.g. Saying " that's not nice" if people say anything awful to her) then great but the school should be helping her settle in, not your son.
As for people saying horrible things about your son this is a child we are talking about and given the choice I'm sure most kids would rather be him than a child with no friends!!
Just try to encourage him to use his influence positively OP

[BitOutOfPractice]

I don't want to weigh in too much op but a child that is popular and used that popularity to tell others who they could and couldn't speak to or play with have, at various times throughout her school career, made my DD's life a misery. Please don't be fooled into thinking that, because there's no punching or name calling involved, that this isn't deeply horrible behaviour that makes other kids school days miserable

[cantfindname]

I won't comment on the lad in question as it's all been said really.

I just want to say how sad I am for the girl and her family who have found themselves in such an unwelcoming environment. I know of another similar family who now live in a small UK village and everyone has really taken them to their hearts. Not one negative comment and the children are invited everywhere.. they are quiet and immature compared to many, but they are much loved members of their school and community. I wish the same for this family.. it must be so bloody hard.

[Ledkr]

He hasn't been mean to this girl, he says no one is mean to her as the school is very strict on bullying. They just all avoid her and he says the girls in the class make comments behind her back about being

I think the problem lies with you op if you don't think this is bullying

[paddlenorapaddle]

You have DH problem a small child that peaks this early at school is not great at all. However what I would do if I were you is take the wind out of your son and dh's sails do a play date at your house in the girls honour or offer to host the party

It's worth remembering that selfishness and lack of empathy in children is a learned behaviour

[StoatyMcStoatface]

I agree with the poster above- I think getting a few of your son's friends' parents together and suggesting that you all encourage your children to go would be the best idea. However, I really think you as parents should go too! I still remember when my DB, the outcast in his year, had the "cool boys" to his birthday party and they basically subtly mocked him and his party as though they were too cool to be there, and it was heartbreaking that he thought they were being his friends and might start being nice to him now, but actually they were making him be piggy in the middle, running away from him etc and pretending it was a fun game. Parents keeping an eye would have been so much better.

[Triplesalchow]

Ignoring someone and being horrible behind their backs is indeed mean and bullying in my book. That poor little girl. Feel so sad for her. If he goes and he's as influential and cool as you say then the others will follow suit in accepting her.

[Dumdedumdum]

Boomboom I would absolutely attend the party of a new, shy person at work never mind one who was a refugee. In a heartbeat. Or the party of a relative I want fond of if it was important to them.
I guess we just get different types of people.

[FluffyWhiteTowels]

This little refugee could have been the 'cool one' in her comfortable known environment speaking her native language.

Can your son imagine how he might feel in another country, a different culture, not his native language, trying to integrate into a small church school which presumably all the kids have joined from reception.

[womanbehavingbadly]

I’ve already posted before but I just had to say that I think some people are being pretty harsh towards OP. So many parents are quick to bury their heads in the sand and ignore their children’s flaws, and stay in denial when their children are not behaving how they should. It was brave to be so honest about it

[BitOutOfPractice]

I agree, I think the op has been brave and honest and I hope she's able to get some help from this thread. It must be very upsetting to read

[DeadGood]

Totally agree womanbehavingbadly

[ordinarymumnat]

it would be nice to have him go. But being the most popular or cool kid doesn't always translate to leading the pack. Sometimes if you do something uncool you get ditched being the leader, and I suspect your son knows this.

However this is not a reflection on just your son, but the whole frickin class. Nasty bunch. Are there no nice parents, that you could involve as a group to include this girl ?

Sadly/correctly - depends on view - my son by no means a leader, but definitely in the good group used to stand up for the more weaker ones. Didn't take long before he expended all his points and became a target too.

[Opheliasgoldenwine]

You should definitely make him go OP, on best behaviour too!

[bigmac4me]

Most of the children I have fostered, and that includes several refugees, love programmes like Paw Patrol and Peppa Pig. They cling onto them a bit. Remember that your son will have enjoyed them at the appropriate time in their lives. These children may have had nothing, no food or shelter or love or comfort, and they need to go through these stages of learning and growing using toys which are much younger than their years for them to learn and grow more. Just as other children did at an earlier age.

I had to read your post several times to make sure it was not my current 10 year old foster child who has come from another country. She too is ignored by the rest of the class and talked about behind her back and laughed at because she is emotionally immature. She is however stronger and been through in her life more than the rest of the class put together. She receives no invitations and no one accepts her invites, and yes I class her treatment as bullying.

Thanks for trying to help your son to understand.

[user1496587010]

I think we're all harshly judging a child. At this age surely their learning about friendships & morals & stuff. Calling a child vile is pretty low. I wouldn't panic OP. Keep trying to educate your child and maybe reach out to the school. If they're hot on bullying maybe they can re-visit what they're doing as the child being excluded is likely to be pretty miserable. I don't think this should all fall on your child's shoulders though. I wouldn't push the party thing too hard as others say it could backfire. Could you send a present at least maybe? Not sure if that's appropriate or not.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

Take the lead Op and befriend the Mother (if she is interested). Deeds and not words and all that.

[Welshrainbow]

Such a difficult one, I don't think I'd make him go to the party because you can't predict how nicely he'd behave, I think I'd say he can't go but take him round before or after with a present for her. Good on you for trying to deal with his more negative personality traits soap, so many parents just refuse to see them.