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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WYOO

143 replies

Zacsmum08 · 21/09/2017 19:41

Hi
Me and OH are disagreeing on this so need others opinions.

My son is the 'cool' kid in the class (yr 5). It's a small church school and my son is a people person. He is the leader of the pack and all the kids love hI'm. .. he is very funny and charming. Thing is ... he is also selfish and can be nasty. If he decides he doesn't like someone the rest follow suit. It's never been too much of an issue although I have needed to talk to him a few times about the way he treats his friends.

There is a new girl in the class, a refugee. Her parents don't speak English and no one plays with her. She invited him to her party but he refused to gone. When I dug deeper it came out that no one is going and the whole class laughs at her because she is a 'baby' who still likes Paw Patrol and acts like she is 6. (She may have a learning difficulty, not sure, or maybe it's just because she is from a very different culture).

Anyway long story short I think we should force him to go, I tried to bribe him with a treat if he went but he is still refusing. I've tried explaining that he should do this nice thing for her but he is having none of it. He says it will ruin his image and the rest will mock him. I've explained that if he goes then others might follow bit nope. He is a naturally selfish person, always has been... something I am trying to work on. This is one of the reasons why I think he has to go, he needs to learn about being nice to others even when it doesn't benefit you. Another reason is because I was the outcast at school and knows how this little girl must feel.
My OH was the cool kid at school so has a different opunion. He says we shouldn't force it as it could be too embarrassing for my son ano may result in him being teased and loosing his 'cool' popularity.

So what do you all think? Do we force him to go or let him miss it? He burst into tears when I explained he might have to go. I don't want to hurt my son but surely there is a valuable life lesson for him to learn here about being nice to others.

Thanks

OP posts:
EezerGoode · 21/09/2017 20:24

Also ,funnily enough at my sons primary very early on parties were all boys or all girls..they stopped inviting the opposite sex by yr 2..so if that's the case in yr sons school that also may be why he dosnt want to go

lookingbeyond40 · 21/09/2017 20:24

The thing is you don't have to be 'mean' to someone's face for it to count as being a bully. I think ignoring someone and alienating them because of "hearsay" is very much being nasty and mean.

I do think the school would want to know about it x

hmmwhatatodo · 21/09/2017 20:24

Poor girl. They behave and think like this in year 5 these days? Wow. Can't think of the right words to say about your son and his classmates so best I say nothing at all.

madcatwoman61 · 21/09/2017 20:25

Can you not get him to put himself into her shoes a bit? if he is afraid of being humiliated, can he not see how that would feel for her? I would be appalled if any of my children acted like this! Why can it not be cool to be kind and empathetic to another child?

CoolCarrie · 21/09/2017 20:27

This reminds me of the saying " it's nice to be important, but more important to be nice" and your son really needs to learn that. As pp said you should google some information on where the girl is from and educate him and your dh really needs to help out here, and the school should help as well. Poor girl it's awful to read that she is being treated in such a horrible way.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 21/09/2017 20:27

If he attends a very small primary, you may find that once he moves onto a larger secondary school he'll be a little fish in a big pond and that in itself will bring him down a peg or two.

Your dh is wrong to be placing importance on his "cool" status. It is perhaps giving him an inflated opinion of himself. (?)

Original poster
Zacsmum08 · 21/09/2017 20:28

Allthebestnames...
That's a great idea. I got him involved in charits work for Syrian refugee children 2 months ago packing care packages. But he was the only kid helping so it didn't really reach him... but maybe doing research and showing pictures might reach him better.
Cool kids are everywhere... I just want my kids to be the nice guy too.

BTW... my 5 year old is an outcast and has no friends and has only been invited to one party since he started school last year. He is just very quiet and a shy introvert who is very sweet and emotional.... so I'm not in the habit of raising Jerks. In fact I'm trying hard to stop my 10 yr old from being a jersey which is why I'm on here.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/09/2017 20:30

Another one who thinks your son actually sounds quite insecure and terrified about losing his social status (and maybe your DH does too). That's not a good thing, frightened people do mean things. Maybe try to address these worries with him.

FWIW I have four kids who have never given a monkeys about coolness and always stood up for the underdog and I think they have learned that from their Dad. Paradoxically they are all very cool and popular.

lookingbeyond40 · 21/09/2017 20:30

Just a quick thought, does he know what a refugee is and the kind of life they flee from?Hiw lonely and difficult it is to start all over again in a new countey? Would it help talking to him about this? Showing him a few videos perhaps? Maybe then he can empathise?

Tilapia · 21/09/2017 20:31

I agree with you OP. I also have a son who is popular and I would make him go too.

Ttbb · 21/09/2017 20:33

Too embarrassing? Your son has already embarrassed himself with his terribly behaviour. When you are invited somewhere you go unless you have a good reason not to. When someone is socially challenged and you are quite popular, the honourable thing to do is to go out of your way to make them feel comfortable. Your son maybe popykarnow but he won't be for long if he continues to act this way. You are definitely on the right page, it sounds like yourDH need to learn a few manners himself.

Brittbugs80 · 21/09/2017 20:34

The cool kid in my DS class is the one that bullies and physically assaulted him. He seems popular but everyone just wants to stay on his good side so they don't get picked on.

Your son doesn't sound particularly nice and if you have noticed it, I guarantee his friends parents will also have noticed it.

You can't make him go the party, but I don't know how you can teach him to be kind as he doesn't appear to be able to be. The fact girls in his class talk about this girl behind her back and he agrees is bullying.

I cannot tolerate children like this but on the positive side, at least you are not ignorant to it.

timeisnotaline · 21/09/2017 20:36

You need to teach him that 'they just don't talk to her' is not 'not being mean', it's nasty bullying. i wouldn't talk to him for an afternoon and when he got upset say you see that did feel mean. Can you negotiate - if he's so desperately afraid of being made to go could he be persuaded to do something nice for her instead? Sit next to her/ share lunch/ invite her round to play? There would have to be consequences for not going.
It would deeply bother me to have a dh who wasn't focused on bringing up children to do the right thing, and that that is far more important than popular. So much so that would have been an early deal breaker in our relationship.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 21/09/2017 20:42

Can you discuss the situation with other parents. If you can get a group of maybe 10 parents to agree to send their children. Make it clear to the children that they need to be nice at the party. They might see a different side to her. On a different angle maybe some presents angled at more 'cool girl' would help. Not quite the same but when ds moved schools we had to give him a crash course in Star Wars because his previous friends had all been into Harry Potter. If a family isn't aware of what is 'cool' they may not know what to point her in the direction of. Unfortunately for many children of that age they are getting into more violent story lines which may not be appropriate for her. She's lived it, she doesn't need to read about it. I'm not sure about recent literature but would reading something like When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit or Anne Frank's Diary. Help him to see outside his lucky bubble.

8isalotoflegsDayvid · 21/09/2017 20:43

I'd make him go.

My mum used to make me go to parties where (I can see now) she worried about low attendance. She's hugely compassionate. It did me zero harm.

8isalotoflegsDayvid · 21/09/2017 20:43

How old is year 5?

MsPassepartout · 21/09/2017 20:47

So if he was forced to go to this party against his will, how would he be likely to behave?

Would he be a good guest, and be nice and friendly to this girl, and act as if he was happy to be there?

Or would he be resentful about being there, and take that resentment out on her? Would he be rude, mean, sulky or ignore her?

Forcing him to go to the party could do more harm than good if he doesn't behave like a good guest.

And avoiding someone and talking about them behind their back is bullying. I've been on the receiving end of that before and it can be very, very upsetting.

MrsOpinionated · 21/09/2017 20:48

It's definitely your responsibility to try and change his behaviour and make him realise it isn't acceptable.

I've met some people who act like your son (even in adulthood!) and when they've talked about their parents I can see why they are like that. They just weren't taught compassion! So many aren't.

You sound like you really want to change the situation but I think your oh needs to adopt the same attitude.

misshelena · 21/09/2017 20:50

I wouldn't force him to go. He is not going to have a good time and she'll know it. I do feel bad for the girl, but it's not ds' responsibility to "rescue" her, especially since the ppl causing trouble for the girl are the other girls.

Is ds "popular" in the sense that others like him or that others fear him? If it's the former, then I wouldn't worry about him becoming a bully.

Redsippycup · 21/09/2017 20:52

9/10 OP's son is 10.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 21/09/2017 20:53

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lookingbeyond40 · 21/09/2017 20:58

Lola

She doesn't sound proud at all. In fact she is trying to deal with it. Earn a few slaps???? Jesus. I think your children need to be taught a thing or about how to behave don't you?

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 21/09/2017 21:00

The cocky ones always end up that way.

SandyDenny · 21/09/2017 21:01

I think it's good that you can see both sides of your son's personality and you sound very caring about how he treats others.

I'm not sure what benefit there would be for making him go to the party but you are a lovely person for wanting to do something about the poor girl

acornsandnuts · 21/09/2017 21:04

BTW... my 5 year old is an outcast and has no friends and has only been invited to one party since he started school last year. He is just very quiet and a shy introvert who is very sweet and emotional.... so I'm not in the habit of raising Jerks. In fact I'm trying hard to stop my 10 yr old from being a jersey which is why I'm on her. Could your youngest be so introvert because of his big brothers behaviour towards him. It must be hard been in his shadow?

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