WYOO

[Zacsmum08]

Hi
Me and OH are disagreeing on this so need others opinions.

My son is the 'cool' kid in the class (yr 5). It's a small church school and my son is a people person. He is the leader of the pack and all the kids love hI'm. .. he is very funny and charming. Thing is ... he is also selfish and can be nasty. If he decides he doesn't like someone the rest follow suit. It's never been too much of an issue although I have needed to talk to him a few times about the way he treats his friends.

There is a new girl in the class, a refugee. Her parents don't speak English and no one plays with her. She invited him to her party but he refused to gone. When I dug deeper it came out that no one is going and the whole class laughs at her because she is a 'baby' who still likes Paw Patrol and acts like she is 6. (She may have a learning difficulty, not sure, or maybe it's just because she is from a very different culture).

Anyway long story short I think we should force him to go, I tried to bribe him with a treat if he went but he is still refusing. I've tried explaining that he should do this nice thing for her but he is having none of it. He says it will ruin his image and the rest will mock him. I've explained that if he goes then others might follow bit nope. He is a naturally selfish person, always has been... something I am trying to work on. This is one of the reasons why I think he has to go, he needs to learn about being nice to others even when it doesn't benefit you. Another reason is because I was the outcast at school and knows how this little girl must feel.
My OH was the cool kid at school so has a different opunion. He says we shouldn't force it as it could be too embarrassing for my son ano may result in him being teased and loosing his 'cool' popularity.

So what do you all think? Do we force him to go or let him miss it? He burst into tears when I explained he might have to go. I don't want to hurt my son but surely there is a valuable life lesson for him to learn here about being nice to others.

Thanks

[NikiBabe]

Can you explain to him that as the popular kid he has a responsibility to welcome new kids to the class and make sure they are treated right.

Doesn't that just reinforce that he is control of how everyone else behaves and everyone must only do things on his say so.

[Shwangalangadingdong]

My DS suffered this in a similar sounding village school. The 'cool kid' didn't turn out that great, he's a very little fish in a muddy puddle. DS just started uni....still has a touch of social anxiety sometimes though.

Can you get him involved in some kind of discipline based sport team with decent coaches? Chess club? What is he interested in. Anything where he has to work as a team in a situation not associated with his current gang might help. He needs a shake up

[ReanimatedSGB]

Forcing children to 'be friends' with other children they have taken a dislike to never works. You can insist on politeness, and no active unkindness, and you can work on teaching DC to be open-minded, but painting this poor kid as some sort of victim/charity case is not actually going to help her or anyone else.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Big fish, liltte pond syndrome.

He is not going to deal with high school very well at all. Seen it happen a lot where the popular kids at primary think they are still top oh the heap at high school. It never ends well.

[Sunnysidegold]

Hi OP...i think people are being very unfair towards You - you can see both the strengths and faults in your child and that's probably a lot more than some other think. I think the suggestions about finding out about the girl's country is a good

[Seeingadistance]

Nothing helpful to contribute, I'm afraid, but I do feel so sad for that little girl and her parents.

[ViserionTheDragon]

I commend you OP for trying to do the right thing by your son. It's a shame to see so many people being unhelpful and judgemental when you have posted here for advice and support.

Forcing your DS to go to will make him resentful towards you and the giril, as others have already pointed out.

Are you able to arrange a playdate and invite the girl as well as Ds's other friends? That might be the way to go.

[ViserionTheDragon]

girl not giril!

[LilyMcClellan]

Maybe this is an opportunity to teach him about how popularity and "being cool" are unstable ground to build your world on.

If he is scared that his classmates will stop being his friend if he is kind to someone they think is uncool, does that not tell him that their friendship is pretty weak? He likes to think of himself as a leader, but if he is afraid to stand up to other kids, he is not really a leader. He is just a follower too.

What if he starts to like a game or TV show that they all think is uncool? Will he start to hide parts of himself so that he keeps their approval? Does he think he will feel good about having to pretend to be someone else so that people will like him? This is a habit that becomes very hard to break.

It is hard for children to see, but school is such a tiny pond, and it lasts such a short time. In 10 years, most of these kids will not know or care much about him.

Popularity at school literally means nothing once school is over. But learning how to be brave and stand up for yourself, have confidence in your own opinions and in doing the right thing - those are qualities that will last a lifetime.

That little girl, a refugee, will have seen and been through things that are worse than your son can imagine. Without doubt, her life will have required bravery that he has never needed to find. Perhaps she clings to some "babyish" things because they give her comfort and security in a world that has made her have to be tougher than he has ever had to be.

If you can perhaps get your son to see that she is actually a strong, brave and valuable person to know, maybe he will change his attitude towards her.

As for the party, I would give him a choice. He can go, or he can spend the day volunteering at the local refugee centre with you.

[Shwangalangadingdong]

I think you need to set some boundaries with your DH as well as DS. I can see it becoming in a two against one situation with your DS and DH picking on you a bit.

Show your son and your DH you mean business. Come up with a few practical steps you can take and get your DH to back you up even if it's 'do what your mum says' ad nauseum

[HappenedForAReisling]

I don't know how well you know your son's parents

Pretty well, I'd imagine lol.

[ljny]

She will have noticed at that age that no one plays with her and I am sure she has told her parents.

Be aware she may not have told her parents - trying to protect them and not worry them. Also, it would be typical for her to not want to admit she hasn't succeeded in making friends.

Can you communicate with the parents? How well do they speak English?

I would definitely let the school know.

[feelinmightylow]

What a horrible little boy. I hope you deal with this.

[BusyBeez99]

A child like your son bullied my son all through primary school by passive bullying - encouraging others not to ask him to play etc. You need to sort him out and soon

[HappenedForAReisling]

How soon is the party, OP?

Although I don't know the girl I feel so sorry for her and really hope she gets to have her party with guests.

[Abbylee]

My bil is much like your son. I do not know how to make him more empathetic but it will lead to difficult life for him, siblings, family and you.

I say this as kindly as possible; it isn't the nicest or funniest kid who is the "cool kid" its the mean one who frightens others. He can use a little drop from the top of the mountain and he will be better to deal with it as a teen or adult if he learns safely from experience now.

Pets have taught my dc much in kindness. I made them go to the vets, take care of them and be responsible for them.

Please read books, articles, etc. You sound much like my mil and bil is 60s. It's not a happy situation for her.

I'm sorry to be blunt, I am sure you will find do a good solution bc your heart is good and you see things clearly.

[heebiejeebie]

Has he read 'Wonder'? I think it's ana amazing book for children to work through some ideas about empathy and the difficulties of fitting in or being cool.

[gabsdot]

It sounds like your son could make a huge difference in the life of this little girl. Imagine if he became her friend. Others would follow. How lovely that would be for her.

[Ilovetolurk]

Boys at 10 do not often go to girl's parties full stop unless a young romance is developing
As long as he was not joining in with any bullying of the girl that would be enough for me, he is not obliged to be her friend just because she doesn't have any others

It would be nice if he had more empathy yes but honestly if this had been my DS at that age the girl would simply not have been on his radar

[mumtri]

Guess it depends on your definition of cool as well.

I would find it cool if someone with the ability and personality to be a figure head reached out and showed inclusivity

that doesn't mean you have to go to parties for show but it does mean that you can reach out to people with vulnerabilities

As hard as this might be for you right now, keep tackling this and you could help your son develop into an amazing human being, sounds like he has natural skills that are hard to teach

[Costcoqueen]

I think the difference between "cool" amongst his peers and the possible feeling that they would be the outcast if they didn't follow his lead is more apparent than him actually being a nice kid. My heart goes out to this little girl and to her family who are reaching out for her classmates to accept her. Not sure what to suggest as you sound very level headed but your so sounds like a bully who knows the power of his "cool" status..... he maybe in for a rude awakening in secondary school as he will be a small fish in a big pond.

[Notreallyarsed]

I think you sound very switched on OP, I wish more parents were so aware and making efforts to teach empathy and kindness.
Isolation is a form of bullying, this poor wee lassie is already in an unfamiliar country, everything will be different to her, and she’s probably feeling very lonely at the moment. Can you speak to other parents to see if you can all agree to help this wee girl feel less isolated? If your DS sees other people including her it might inspire him to be kind?

[Lethaldrizzle]

Describing your son as the cool kid in the class with such pride is very odd

[icelollycraving]

I wouldn't make him go. If he is as persuasive as you say then that little girls party could be really really awful for her. Kids are often harsher than we like to think.
Definitely tell the school. It has an anti bullying stance which clearly isn't working.
I'd tell your son exactly what this family may have endured to come here. He has had a lovely carefree life which this poor girl has fought for. Lots of adults love Disney films as feel good escapism, paw patrols could be her version. The sweet animals who protect and save, wonder why that resonates with a refugee?!
At the moment he's a big fish in a little pond. I'd also tell your dh that being the cool kid isn't really a priority at 10 ffs.
I wonder if there is a film that you could watch as a family where the young hero saves the day for the underdog. Can't think of any off the top of my head.

[DressedCrab]

I'm another one who thinks your DS actually sounds quite insecure. The really cool kids don't give a damn what other people think, that's what makes them cool. What they do automatically becomes cool.

He is in danger of slipping over into being a bully while he is so self-obsessed. His struggle to appear cool to others is one he will lose eventually. Work on building up what qualities he has, soon enough he will realise he isn't that cool.