WYOO

[Zacsmum08]

Hi
Me and OH are disagreeing on this so need others opinions.

My son is the 'cool' kid in the class (yr 5). It's a small church school and my son is a people person. He is the leader of the pack and all the kids love hI'm. .. he is very funny and charming. Thing is ... he is also selfish and can be nasty. If he decides he doesn't like someone the rest follow suit. It's never been too much of an issue although I have needed to talk to him a few times about the way he treats his friends.

There is a new girl in the class, a refugee. Her parents don't speak English and no one plays with her. She invited him to her party but he refused to gone. When I dug deeper it came out that no one is going and the whole class laughs at her because she is a 'baby' who still likes Paw Patrol and acts like she is 6. (She may have a learning difficulty, not sure, or maybe it's just because she is from a very different culture).

Anyway long story short I think we should force him to go, I tried to bribe him with a treat if he went but he is still refusing. I've tried explaining that he should do this nice thing for her but he is having none of it. He says it will ruin his image and the rest will mock him. I've explained that if he goes then others might follow bit nope. He is a naturally selfish person, always has been... something I am trying to work on. This is one of the reasons why I think he has to go, he needs to learn about being nice to others even when it doesn't benefit you. Another reason is because I was the outcast at school and knows how this little girl must feel.
My OH was the cool kid at school so has a different opunion. He says we shouldn't force it as it could be too embarrassing for my son ano may result in him being teased and loosing his 'cool' popularity.

So what do you all think? Do we force him to go or let him miss it? He burst into tears when I explained he might have to go. I don't want to hurt my son but surely there is a valuable life lesson for him to learn here about being nice to others.

Thanks

[CaptainMarvelDanvers]

Your kid isn't cool, he's popular amongst his peers but he's not cool.

Cool people don't worry about being 'uncool'.

Also this girl is certainly being bullied.

[ljny]

I would talk to the school, and hope they actually stand behind their anti-bullying policy.

Exclusion is a form of bullying - though it may be difficult for him to befriend her given the gender divide in year 5.

That he doesn't want to befriend her is the real problem, and kudos to you for tackling it.

Have you talked with other parents? What do they say? I would be lovely for the community to actually reach out to a refugee child.

[NikiBabe]

Cool people don't worry about being 'uncool'.

Quite.

Cool people just are.

[Lethaldrizzle]

Quite - and it's really not cool to describe your kid as the cool kid in the class. It's a bit shallow.

[NeonFlower]

I wouldn't push him about the party, but I would ask him how he might challenge her being avoided or excluded, or be decent and friendly to her himself, even if he doesn't want to be best friends.

[Katedotness1963]

Ignoring her and talking about her behind her back are bullying in my book. Poor girl, she must be having such a miserable time...

[Cruciatus]

Read him (or encourage him to read) "Wonder", especially one with Julian's Story included in the end. It might help him to try to see a situation from other perspectives.

[Leeds2]

I feel very sorry for the girl too.

[Flopjustwantscoffee]

Is it possible that he's picked up on his dads attitude to social status, and is actually quite insecure because he doesn't want to let down his dad?

[LegoCaltrops]

Very likely, if this girl has come from a war zone, she will have missed a few years of normality. So Paw Patrol, Peppa Pig, etc, may represent the last normal, happy parts of childhood that she remembers. And you say you've got him involved in helping with fundraising, but can he relate to her? Does he actually know what a refugee is? I'm sure he's a good lad but sometimes all children need reminding to act like it.

FWIW, there's a Syrian refugee in my DD's class as well. Almost everyone went to her party, it was reception year & neither the child nor the parents spoke much English. We managed just fine.

I don't know if you'd be willing to let your DS watch this short video, or if he's already seen it.

[C8H10N4O2]

I think we're all harshly judging a child. At this age surely their learning about friendships & morals & stuff.

He is 10. We are not talking about expectations of grasping the categorical imperative - this is basic human kindness and a bit of empathy. I would equally be ashamed of a child of mine behaving like this to the young girl and aged 10 or younger.

OP - is DS a chip off the old block? If so you may find it difficult to change. I do think you need to do something - even if not in time for the party he needs to learn basic kindnesses to those less fortunate than he is. Maybe that would be more graphical understanding of what she has endured in a war zone - the PP who fosters refugee children would have best ideas here I think, but for the child's sake and for his, and possibly for younger DS you need to find some way.

[ProverbialOuthouse]

I was this little girl (without the refugee status) and kids Iike your son made my life hell. Please do something about it.

[Aridane]

Did your son go the party in the end, OP?

[Redglitter]

he says no one is mean to her as the school is very strict on bullying. They just all avoid her

Oh no that's not in the least bit mean is it?
Do you honestly think that's acceptable? That poor wee soul must be having a miserable time. God help her if they do start being mean to her

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

No hes not a cool kid. Hes an out and out bully, op. Getting people to turn on those "he doesn't like". The fact that you're dismissing this is terrifying
This behavior needs taken in hand before it gets far far more serious.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

Would you like the boot to be on the foot!
I despise bullying. Children go to school to learn not to be in fear

[Stressalot42]

Most of the children I have fostered, and that includes several refugees, love programmes like Paw Patrol and Peppa Pig. They cling onto them a bit. Remember that your son will have enjoyed them at the appropriate time in their lives. These children may have had nothing, no food or shelter or love or comfort, and they need to go through these stages of learning and growing using toys which are much younger than their years for them to learn and grow more. Just as other children did at an earlier age.

I had to read your post several times to make sure it was not my current 10 year old foster child who has come from another country. She too is ignored by the rest of the class and talked about behind her back and laughed at because she is emotionally immature. She is however stronger and been through in her life more than the rest of the class put together. She receives no invitations and no one accepts her invites, and yes I class her treatment as bullying.

That has brought tears to my eyes! Think on OP and teach your child compassion and kindness.

[Justanothernap]

Re. The categorical imperative comment.

God at 10 my peers & I were occasionally horrendous to one another! He just doesn't want to go to her party. Selfish but not abysmal behaviour.

Still. He clearly has some things to learn about empathy & kindness. He's lucky OP is trying to help him. I also do feel for the poor refugee kid in question. I hope OP comes back with a happy update.