to ask why you chose to have DC?

[PixieChemist]

DP and I are in the talking about having DC stage and I can't come up with a single logical reason to ttc. DP can't either and said he "just knows he wants (more) DC" - he already has a 5 year old from his first marriage. I know I want DC but then if I think about it logically I just think about how much less money we'll have, how much harder it is to travel, have date nights (we have little in the way of family support for babysitting), sleep in etc.

It just made me wonder, what made you actually decide to go for it?

Sometimes it's tricky to know until it's too late though!
I will advise not to get married at all!

So that I can come onto MN and trump debates by saying "until you have children, you just won't understand".

I'm 9 months pregnant with our first. We wanted a baby and we can afford it - why not?

neverwas Please stop saying this to your daughter. My mother says this to me and it's absolutely heartbreaking and makes me feel unwanted and guilty for having been born. No matter how you feel about motherhood, your daughter should be able to make her own choices without the weight of your very strong opinions on her shoulders.

I wish someone had told me...although I appreciate perhaps I wouldn't have listened. I don't want her to be as miserable as me. Men get a better deal. They get to carry on pretty much as normal which is why if my son had children it maybe wouldn't be as bad.

But I'm sorry it makes you feel like that Sweatpea

@neverwas, I'm sorry but you really mustn't give your DCs any suggestion that you wish you hadn't had them. Low self-esteem could so easily result from that, and it's so difficult to get past that.

And it doesn't need to be like that. Having a DH who is a genuinely hands-on dad makes it all very different, or being a single mum without a DH who behaves like an extra DC. (From what single mums have said, not from personal experience, obviously.)

I do hope it gets better when they're older and more independent.

But also, please don't encourage your DS to be another useless dad. If he does have DCs please encourage him to be totally hands-on and not risk leaving his DCs' mum feeling the way you do.

Yes I do try but unfortunately his main role model is his dad so it is difficult. Ds tends to treat me like a servant a lot of the time and also to repeat what he's heard his father say.

Aside from that even hands on dads have a much easier time than the mum. No pregnancy, no birth, doesn't affect their careers etc

We adopted, I wasn't able to conceive at all. It obviously has some advantages not giving birth. But I also guess that's why I'm struggling a little bit with your negativity. You live by your choices, so it's pointless regretting having DCs, and potentially very damaging to them if they realise you didn't want them.

Sometimes on threads like this you get people blithely saying "you'll never regret it".

It's easy to see how they might think that, when it's made so difficult to say "I regret having children" even on an anonymous forum.

For us it was just the natural thing to do, I have never thought of not having children. I loved our pre baby lifestyle but (I guess dependant on your age) you will still have so much time to do what you want to do, date nights, travel etc... they don’t stay young forever. And you might be lucky like us - our boys have never wanted to get out of bed before 9am, so we get tons of sleep!

It's not the regretting it that's the issue, it's saying it to the DCs that concerns me. Also her DD might not find the experience as negative as she has. An honest account of how difficult it can be is perfectly right.

But I take your point, Trills. I spoke too strongly; I just feel regrets only make us even more miserable.

Unplanned, and children were never in the plan. Honestly I don't find it idyllic, 8 years of having no babysitters, paying a large part of my wages to go to work, the seemingly constant fights about every daily task (can't brush teeth with mint toothpaste, can't wear pants cos they go up his bum, etc, etc...), up at 5am every day.

I hadn't been so shit at contraception, I'd still be as happy as I am now, possibly more so.

But then last night watching Stormy in the live lounge with ds1 and seeing his face light up, and ds2 climbing into my knee to fall asleep whilst singing to me, and I've never felt more content.

When I was younger I was adamant I did not want children. Met the man who became dh and honestly, I still didn't want them. He never made any secret of the fact that he did want children but he wanted to be with me more. No pressure from him at all and gradually the idea didn't seem so bad until one day I just felt it was the right thing for us. Our dcs are grown up now and I am so glad we had them. Yes, at times it's been hard, but overall the goodfar outweighs the bad. I don't think I would have regretted not having children because I wouldn't have known different. But if there was a way to know what it would be like to have your potential children, I would definitely have regretted not having them.

Thank you all for your honest thoughts, It's really helping me own thought processes

neverwas I'm really sorry things are so hard for you. It sounds like an overall shit situation. As others have said having a hands on, supportive, helping DH helps so much.

Ditto graphista - I wasn't sure I wanted kids, had an unexpected pregnancy then miscarriage and was devastated. Then really really wanted them. Not for any 'reason' other than the love I had felt for the miscarried foetus.

I don't have children.

I'm a very rational person, and also a selfish person. I have never been able to imagine why I would possibly want to go through the physical trauma, expense, emotional commitment of bringing a new person into the world for whom I woyld be totally responsible. It is a very, very "other" concept to me.

I've also never felt any sort of biological urge - to the degree that I struggle to imagine it exists. (But I believe those who say it does and that it has happened to them. I just can't conceptualise it for myself.)

I am very content.

I hear you, DoctorFoster, but by the same token you surely understand that for those of us who wanted kids it's very hard to understand your feelings on it either. For me, there's nothing like the feeling I get inside when I come home after even a short absence and there's a high-pitched voice shouting 'Mummy!' Or their joyful laughter when on the swing. There are times when I'm tearing my hair out, of course, but the little things make it worthwhile.

It would be easier if I did feel like you sometimes, then I wouldn't have gone through the pain of discovering I wouldn't ever conceive.

Two totally different perspectives!!

Same thing as knowing I want a second. My son wakes up 5-12x a night even now at 14 months. He had terrible reflux. Very difficult baby. But I've never questioned that it was the best thing I've ever done in my life and I wouldn't un-do him even if I lived a million lives. It has never crossed my mind not to (try to) have another one.

Mittens - I'm so sorry for your experience.

I agree, my experience is definitely much easier.