to ask why you chose to have DC?

[PixieChemist]

DP and I are in the talking about having DC stage and I can't come up with a single logical reason to ttc. DP can't either and said he "just knows he wants (more) DC" - he already has a 5 year old from his first marriage. I know I want DC but then if I think about it logically I just think about how much less money we'll have, how much harder it is to travel, have date nights (we have little in the way of family support for babysitting), sleep in etc.

It just made me wonder, what made you actually decide to go for it?

You know, it's funny. When you're a child, a few weeks in the summer seem to last forever. Each season brings with it something totally new and fresh. Sometimes time takes so long when you're young that it can be agonizing -- a month's wait to go on holiday somewhere really special (Disney!) or waiting for school to end for the term can feel like centuries passing by.

Then you leave school and become an adult, and time starts speeding up. Before you know it, entire seasons seem to just slip by you from the day-to-day grind of work, commute, cooking, cleaning, a bit of sleep and then doing it all again the next day. Suddenly entire years can seem like they're collapsed into a few interesting bits and 360 days of pure slog.

For me, having a child let me reset my internal clock not the "biological clock," exactly, though I'm sure that made a difference to my decision, as well. I mean the clock that makes it so you know you have to take a look around and enjoy THIS week or THIS month, because the next week or month will be different, your child will be more grown and will change. Six months ago was very different from today, which in turn is very different from six months from now especially since 6 months from now, my second (and final) child will be with me to cuddle.

Brilliant post Womb. You're right, life can get vary 'samey' as an adult. Having kids reminds you that things are constantly changing and to make the most of them. Showing DD things or having her discover new things is sort of like doing it all over again yourself ❤😷😁

Blimey. Many people had really thought about this. I didn't. It just happened, like it was expected/the done thing: you got married, you Had kids.
I never really thought about it. I probably should have done because it doesn't come naturally to me and I find it a lot harder than I had ever imagined.
Parenting these days is really hard and I probably wouldn't recommend it.

We have 3 and I just love creating a family and being part of a homegrown community. Our 2nd second daughter was seriously ill as a baby and toddler and needed chemotherapy (she looked gorgeous, happy and healthy it was shocking to discover she had a blood disease at 8 months). Her illness didn't prevent us deciding to have more. They are now 17,14 and 11 and I love them all so much. I was very suprised at how fascinating I found my babies!

I was told age 22 that I would struggle to have children and was reliant on hormone treatments so getting pregnant without trying was never going to happen to us. If It had I think we would have been happy, but having to actually decide to try is completely different. I have a couple of chronic illnesses and it just didn't ever seem like the right time. Then my mum passed away and it completely changed my perspective. I realised too late how important family is, and shortly after that I had a surgery and then we conceived twins a few months later.

The thing is, all you hear is how exhausting and stressful and expensive it is, and it doesn't seem wise to add that sort of stress to your life - I get it. However, you can't understand the positives and benefits fully until you have a child. This has been the hardest year of my life by far (up against some pretty stiff competition!), my health has been bad, one of the twins has a complex health issue, we definitely have less money... but it's also amazing in ways I can't even explain. Honestly, now that I have them, I wonder why we waited so long, I wish I could go back and do it sooner, especially while my mum was still alive. On the other hand, I don't feel like we are missing out on anything - we've done the career thing and the lovely holidays and all that stuff and now I'm not bothered about not having a social life and spending all my time with my little guys. If you'd asked me a few years ago I couldn't imagine loving such a difficult situation so much but I do.

So true about life passing by so fast as an adult too. Yesterday I looked at a photo taken a year previously, of one of my twins in nicu, covered in wires and tiny, while in front of me the same baby was standing up unaided, playing with his walker and chatting away. A year is actually a long time, I have no idea how I frittered away so many of them!

I was 34 when my boys were born and honestly I'm not sure I could have any more now - by the time they're old enough for me to consider it I'll probably be too old to manage another one. I definitely would have started earlier if I had known.

I think it's also scary because it's a rare thing that you can't undo if you find it's not right for you - it's not like you can just give up and walk away. Fortunately, biology has found ways to make sure you don't want to, at least for the overwhelming majority of women.

Having said all this, I have a very strong marriage which has been tested heavily since they were born due to the difficulties of having kids and I'm glad I had them in such a stable relationship otherwise I imagine it would be much more difficult. Personally I wouldn't try for a baby unless I was married - having both come from divorced parents it was really important to me, and marriage is a small commitment compared to having a child together.

If my husband had already had kids, I'd be looking at what his relationship is like with the child and his ex before deciding.

With DS1 we didn't actually sit down and discuss TTC, the pros and cons etc it just sort of happened. We'd just got married and it felt like the next logical step.

With DS2 the decision to TTC was primarily because I didn't want DS1 to be an only child.

Yes we are exhausted, we certainly have less money, we certainly have less time together, holidays are mire stressful, as is life in general, and the ability to be spontaneous and do what we wish has now completely gone BUT, the love and happiness our children bring to our lives far outweighs all those things.

I always wanted children but then I got pregnant by accident so decided to keep it with not very much thought at all.

OP do be aware that having children with someone who already has one is a completely different experience from having yours and your partner's first. Instead of going into 'first baby' you're really dealing with acquiring a family all in one go, except obviously you have all the parts of step parenting as well.

You'll never make the columns add up. The downsides (sleep, money, loss of freedom) are all easy to see before you have kids. Whereas the upsides are mysterious, because it comes down to how much you love your own kids. Which you only find out after you've made the leap of faith.

@tinymeteor you summed it up nicely. You can't fully know how much you'll love your children until you've actually had them and until the cons will always win.

I just wish more people really would THINK about having children rather than it being something they do because "well, it's what you do, isn't it?"

Some people put more thought into what new TV to buy than about whether to have children.

I'm with BonnieF - the only reason is if you BOTH (and I mean BOTH) really, really want them and can't imagine life without them.

I think it just seemed like an enormous part of life and I wanted to experience it. Plus my life was very happy and settled but I was sort of frightened at not much changing for the next 40 years.

If it was a decision motivated by logic then no one would do it. Something that makes you more poor, tired, inconvenienced, worried ... why would anyone think that was a good idea?

It's a primal instinct. Reproducing our genes is the closest thing we have to being immortal. Few people will have consciously thought about it like that but it's why we are wired to have the urge to procreate. It's also why sex is so jolly nice!

It is ok to say: I've weighed it up and on balance I don't think I want to do it.

But it is equally ok to say: I want this precisely because it will bring new challenges into my life, I like the idea of working hard at something that feels important., I want to be stretched.

After all, people climb mountains and run marathons and learn to play difficult instruments. All those things take time and money and effort. Not everything in life has to be about greater convenience.

We just wanted to make a family together. I wanted to have a baby with him. If I was single or in a different relationship I can't imagine myself wanting a baby. Then we started trying in a kind of half arsed fashion, but it quickly became clear that we'd have difficulty conceiving and that's what made it really clear for us that this was what we wanted - the very real possibility we might not be able to have it.

I didn't want children my DH did so I went along with it. So my reason? I loved my DH and didn't want to lose him. Turns out I love being a mum and can't believe I almost missed out.
This is proper cheesey but I really feel like my life is complete now, I have such hope and am excited for the future to see how my kids turn out and guide them through life. (Sorry to get so vomit inducing).

cory I am one of those people who spent lots of time, money and effort to climb mountains (and volcanoes). I'm not sure why you got the impression I think everything should be about greater convenience

We do both really want DC and can't imagine our lives without them. I was just interested in people's reasons as like most of you agree if you stop and think logically it just doesn't make any sense why anybody would do it.

Because my earliest memories are about wanting to be a mummy. Pure unbridled maternal instinct x DH also wanted DC. But we were very secure financially when we met. OTH I worked and invested in property in my 20s to ensure I was secure.

I always wanted to be a mum. Dd wasn't planned- we wanted to wait a year or so longer.

Her dad and I split 3 years ago just after she turned 2 and both of us have new partners. I would feel complete if I was to have another.

Getting to an age where it was now or never...
Always vaguely wanted children, but "not quite yet" became "we'd better get on with it"!

As to whether that was right or not, I'll let you know in 6 months when it's here!

Baby feet. I wanted a pair of baby feet that I could kiss whenever I wanted!!

Seriously though, DS is hard work and my life it totally and utterly changed forever but I love him with absolutely everything I’ve got, he’s a total delight to be with. Every time he smiles up at me or comes towards me because I’m his Mum and he feels safe with me, well, it’s just the best possible feeling. This gorgeous little creature adores me and I adore him and right now I am his whole world and I could not feel more privileged. Totally soppy post but we’ve had a really good week together!

I've always wanted them, I love kids, even other people's and so does DH. It took us a lot of time and cost a lot of money to have DS but it was totally worth it - I love him so much, I'm currently snuggled in bed feeding him (he's 9 weeks old) and he's just so incredibly beautiful and cuddly and gorgeous in every way!

@Lottapianos have you hit the menopause yet?

Sorry I realise that is a ridiculously personal question. Just that I know two women who talked like you and now one has gone through and the other is in the process and both have cried and the first still cry’s buckets saying they have made a mistake. It was a choice that they made as well. I’d just like to hear someone coming out the other side of the menopause still feeling the same about their lack of procreation.

I didn’t want kids until my late 20s so didn’t have them until then op. I was broody when I conceived the first I’m on my second and that was a business decision I’m quite nervous about that.

I keep comparing it to the fact I loved having one dog then I got a second and it was the pits for everyone lol.

'Some people put more thought into what new TV to buy than about whether to have children.'

Completely agree. It's worrying

Mustang, I'm nearly 38 so a way from the menopause hopefully I have a friend in her late 60s who is happy without children and adores her freedom

I don't think it's quite as simple as having or not having regrets. I have found the decision to have /not have children intensely personal and complex. I think a part of me will always be wistful about what life would have been like with our own child. You can't do everything in life and there will always be paths you didn't take. You just can't predict what you may or may not regret, you just have to go with what feels like the best decision at the time

Trills, the broodiness does fade, or it certainly has in my case. I nearly went mad with envy when my friend had a baby, and for several years I could not bear to be around any baby talk at all. That has all become SO much less intense and I now feel grateful on at least a weekly basis that I don't have children.