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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask why you chose to have DC?

145 replies

PixieChemist · 21/09/2017 18:24

DP and I are in the talking about having DC stage and I can't come up with a single logical reason to ttc. DP can't either and said he "just knows he wants (more) DC" - he already has a 5 year old from his first marriage. I know I want DC but then if I think about it logically I just think about how much less money we'll have, how much harder it is to travel, have date nights (we have little in the way of family support for babysitting), sleep in etc.

It just made me wonder, what made you actually decide to go for it?

OP posts:

mrsRosaPimento · 21/09/2017 20:41

I could only think about babies. I really wanted to be a mum. We worked out if we could afford one. We could just about afford one if I went back to work. It was tough financially. But I'm so glad we did have dcs. I used to look at all the baby things in the Argos catalogue and imagine what I would get.

Ttbb · 21/09/2017 20:42

To be honest I never even thought about sacrificing dates nights, holidays etc and I didn't even want children that much. I always intended to have them at some point, the right opportunity came up early in life so I took it and now I can look forward to many, many years ahead of my to e joy the lack of responsibility that childlessness (or rather not having children at home) brings. If you are set in having them then you will have to suffer for a few years either way. It's just a question of when.

Kintan · 21/09/2017 20:43

Age was a big decider for us too. Although we had discussed that we both wanted children early
on in our relationship we left it for as long as we could before we were the wrong side of 35! Also we'd travelled loads, and got to where we wanted in our careers (neither of us is especially ambitious) and we were ready to change our normality. I can relate to what a pp said about realising they didn't want to live the same Groundhog Day type scenario - it was a bit of this for us too. So glad we did and hoping for a second :)

Oysterbabe · 21/09/2017 20:52

DH had a very strong urge to have them and made that clear from our first date. I was ambivalent but went along with it, it would have been a deal-breaker for him. I adored DD immediately and was keen to crack on with another. It's the best thing I ever did.

crazycatlady5 · 21/09/2017 20:52

Just felt like natural next step. I was 30 and had just got married. In my early 20s I didn't know if I wanted kids but then later a sort of 'well what's the point otherwise' feeling came over me. Being a mum seemed to be the next stage of life.

LadyWire · 21/09/2017 21:04

Vodka. Too much vodka made me pregnant.

Neverwasapancakegi7l · 21/09/2017 21:15

I don't know but it was a massive error.

If you have any doubts don't do it. Your life will never be your own again.

cluelessnewmum · 21/09/2017 21:20

It's just a primeval drive a lot of us have.

For me, I come from a very close family, I'm close to my parents, my sister, for me blood runs thicker than water. I knew I'd love my dc more than anything and do anything for them, it makes me a better person.

I'm interested in ancestry and thought about everything my ancestors had gone through which resulted in me ending up on the planet, it would make me personally feel sad if my 'line' ended with me (sister for various reasons won't have kids).

It gives everything a purpose beyond me,working hard and eventually leaving a part of me behind.

They're all selfish reasons basically, it's a good thing not everyone feels that way.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 21/09/2017 21:21

Because I always wanted them.

Mimilondon39 · 21/09/2017 21:56

It's not for everyone but I had my first child at 36 and my second at 39 - yes we've had less sleep, haven't travelled as much and have spent a small fortune on nursery fees but they are AMAZING - hilarious, affectionate and adorable. I have never regretted having them for one second and I'd love to have more!

MortalEnemy · 21/09/2017 21:59

Curiosity.

GinIsIn · 21/09/2017 22:02

To stop my mother asking when we were going to have a baby

Trills · 21/09/2017 22:10

I hear from reputable sources that the broody feeling goes away if you wait a bit

PenelopeChipShop · 21/09/2017 22:24

It's a really interesting question. And you're right to consider things beforehand, though ironically, there's no way to truly equip yourself with the information you need. You just cannot know the reality without living it.

In our case, the first time we tried was almost just like jumping off a cliff for me. I wasn't sure, in fact I was scared of how my life would change and terrified of not being a good mum, but I loved my DH and we'd always assumed we would have a family so... we went for it. I needn't have worried, I'm definitely an ok mum - I hope! - and the love I experienced on meeting my son was utterly transcendent.

However, our relationship has not survived parenthood. We went from a loved up, equal couple to a stressed out, emotionally distant Dad and burnt out, resentful mum. My DH never really stepped up to the plate when it came to being equal parents (I'm talking things like getting up in the night) and i became a shell of myself through doing everything alone with no break. He left me with a 4yo and a just-turned-1yo to find himself, enjoy his freedom etc.

Take a careful look at how your partner is with his existing child. I hope you won't need my dire warning! But the impact of a child is massive. I could never have known what would happen to me. I still have no regrets though, the dc are amazing.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 21/09/2017 22:35

I followed the 'meet someone, fall in lovr, get married, have babies.

I had always wanted it. The big family - being one of 5 siblings.

Got married at abt 28. Had our beautiful dd at 30. Them stopped.

Plans change. Life throws you curve balls. Do what you both want.

PhyllisWig · 21/09/2017 22:35

Another who just wanted them. I wanted to be a mother and couldn't logically explain why.

Dh really wasn't fussed. He had kids for me. We had a tough time with multiple losses and fertility treatment so thought it wouldn't happen but it did on our last throw of the dice and throughout the entire process we remained the same - him unbothered and me unable to get that it might not happen. No logic.

He is a totally devoted dad btw. Adores his girls beyond everything but still maintains he could easily have been happy if they hadn't happened. I find parenthood harder but the best thing I have ever done. Horses for courses.

EamonnWright · 21/09/2017 22:37

It isn't a transaction.

Trills · 21/09/2017 22:39

What do you mean it isn't a transaction?

Eolian · 21/09/2017 22:43

There is no logical reason. It isn't a logical thing. It's the natural impulse to reproduce (which we interpret in all sorts of complex ways, as we are human beings with complex minds and social conventions).

TheEdgeOfGlory266 · 21/09/2017 22:44

I guess the urge is just there for some and not for others. Me and DH spoke about having 2 children when we were 17. I couldn't wait for have children but it wasn't about just having kids it was about having kids with him. Nearly 11 years later and we have a 2 and a half year old and another on the way. For us it just felt right.

My sister on the other hand is not at all maternal. She had her son and she loves him dearly but in a different life, she wouldn't have children.

It's a very emotional decision and if you wait for the right time it might pass you by but if you're unsure about whether it's what you want, you could end up very down and resentful.

Daddystepdaddy · 21/09/2017 22:45

We both wanted children (DW was a bit more keen than me tbh). No regrets at all, love them both to bits.

elQuintoConyo · 21/09/2017 22:47

Tbh we weren't fussed but thought 'hey, we are mid-30s, now or never'. The only reason we married was we were having ds - i'm abroad living in DH's country, it is easier to get married than have wills and other complicated documentation.

I am not maternal, i have no maternal instincts or cravings, we stopped at one child. I don't coo over other children, other babies. But i coo greatly over our son, he is such a sweet boy and cracks us up!

I don't miss date night or independence, we never had money enough to go on weekend jaunts to fancy places. I miss nice restaurants, but ds is nearly 6yo, we can leave him with a babysitter.

We are doing this alone without family help, and that's ok.

No one can make this decision for you.

Alittlepotofrosie · 21/09/2017 22:50

I knew i wanted them at some point in my life. I was like you. Analysing, weighing up, couldn't see any real upsides.

They are the best thing that's ever, ever happened to me. Yeah there are sacrifices but to me they're worth it. I didn't used to be at all maternal but it's different when its your own.

TOADfan · 21/09/2017 22:58

When i was younger i wanted a child. Unconditional love to bond me with my partner, feel like an adult etc.
We stopped protection...7 and half years ago now. We cant get pregnant naturally.

I never wanted children enough to go through ivf and now years later im glad i didnt have kids. I see my friends with kids and i know i couldnt cope. I like my space, my job, my sleep etc. I have focused on the positives of not having kids and it helped me accept it.

Maybe when im in my mid 30s i will change my mind but for now im happy.

My partner would love kids but also focuses on the benefits of not having them, so he doesnt get upset we are not. He has never pushed for IVF so i think he accepts it.

plannedshock · 21/09/2017 22:59

We ran out of reasons not to try.

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