to ask why you chose to have DC?

[PixieChemist]

DP and I are in the talking about having DC stage and I can't come up with a single logical reason to ttc. DP can't either and said he "just knows he wants (more) DC" - he already has a 5 year old from his first marriage. I know I want DC but then if I think about it logically I just think about how much less money we'll have, how much harder it is to travel, have date nights (we have little in the way of family support for babysitting), sleep in etc.

It just made me wonder, what made you actually decide to go for it?

I shall be honest. I have two two DC, one with Sen.

I thought theyd be fun, id love having a family spending time together etc. Reality is that they are massively hard work, they are two very hard work children and I've been in tears yet again after the school run. Me and dh never get anytime to ourselves, we are poor, tired and fed up. Being a parent doesn't suit me at all.

We had children because we always thought we would but then a friend had a miscarriage and we started to worry that we would have problems etc. I then did have a miscarriage and all in DC1 took a year to conceive. I was soooo desperate for a baby by then it was overwhelming.

However he is hard work, very hard work and I will admit on the anonymity of this page that sometimes I wish I'd waited longer (was 28 when he was born). I fell pregnant unplanned immediately after his 1st birthday and had DC2 who is a complete and utter joy who completely lights up our world.

I would absolutely have more if they were like DC2. I know that sounds awful. DC1 is lovely but goodness me, he can make a day feel like a year.

We have no help nearby which really, really makes things harder. I've also now become a SAHM which is lonely and unfulfilling for me on a personal level (but I do like being there for the children). I struggle with a lack of sleep, the lack of personal time, guilt at not being a perfect parent, the constant feeling of judgement (everyone has an opinion). But I think some of this is a hangover from my own childhood and from living far away from the support network that I would have at home.

I also hate that my relationship with DH has changed so much, but we do try.

But then DC1 sings a song or says something funny or holds DC2's hand, or DC2 smiles, and my heart melts and I can't imagine a life without them. Fucking children

But yes I'd also say, I envisaged lovely family days out, card games in front of the fire etc. I'd say, life before children is in mute. Your thoughts don't add the volume, the crying/screaming/whinging etc.

I spend literally my entire day getting one or other of mine to sleep so they're not 'overtired' and so will sleep reasonably well during the night so I don't have completely murderous thoughts for the entirety of the next day.

I'd say 99% of my problems at present (for our whole family) are sleep related.

PixieChemist Fri 22-Sep-17 08:20:40
"cory I am one of those people who spent lots of time, money and effort to climb mountains (and volcanoes). I'm not sure why you got the impression I think everything should be about greater convenience"

Wasn't directly aimed at you, OP. Just thread in general: seems to be a pros and cons side to the argument where all the cons are about hard work and you have to find pros to balance that.

I wasn't particularly broody when I was younger, not particularly, but that was because I was never in a relationship serious enough for us to talk about it. I wasn't like my DSis for example, who said she wanted 6 children when she was younger!

But when I got married, my DH was very keen and I never thought I didn't want children so I was happy to agree. And I was 33 so we didn't wait. Then I discovered I was infertile and I then realised how much I desperately wanted children. So we adopted and I couldn't be happier with my life now, with 2 DDs. (That's not to say they're easy though.)

Thank you @Lottapianos for answering I really appreciate it. I knew there must be women out there still happy with their decision after the menopause, glad for your friend. It sounds like you have had it really hard at points well done you for sticking to your guns.

My husband really wanted a child. It would have been a deal breaker for him. I was neither for nor against it.

It's the best thing we ever did. I was made to be a mum.

I'm sorry it's so hard, dArtagnansCrumpet, I can relate in that DD1 is really hard work and I'm often in tears about how things are for her, and how tired I am. She has Attachment Disorder and her behaviour is so difficult to manage sometimes. (Thankfully she behaves very well in school, she's a proper Jekyll and Hyde.)

I think the difference is probably to do with the fact that we were warned about how it could be with adopted children, so we didn't have unrealistic expectations. And we love her to bits, too, knowing that she's the one who is going to have to live with her condition, more than we are. She doesn't get invited to parties, unlike DD2, who is loved by everyone and invited to so many. She gets really upset about it, too. (I understand why it is, though, as I find DD2 much easier as well.)

I do hope it gets easier for you, as they get older. It can be the pits on a difficult day, I really do know that.

Accidentally got pregnant and realised I wanted children. I didn't think of all the negatives as they pale against "I just want kids", plus you just work around the negatives. Plus they eventually get better anyway!

I had a happy upbringing with loving parents. I feel lucky that I had this as not every child is so fortunate. My mum in particular was (and still is) such a lovely mum that I've always wanted to do the same for children of my own. Now that I have them they mean everything to me and I feel like I have a renewed purpose in life. Before I had my children my life was pretty meaningless if I'm honest. I'd work all week, look forward to a glass of wine and takeout on a Friday night and then before I knew it the weekend would be over. Now I have my children all the other shit doesn't matter and I can focus on giving them a happy childhood and help set them up for the future. I look at them every day and feel so grateful.

My honest opinion is that if you have doubts, don’t TTC. My best mate from Uni had an accidental pregnancy, and throughout the pregnancy they had a tentative agreement as to who should do what when the kid came.

Fast forward, and neither she nor her husband (both in very high flying careers) are willing to take any time off for the kid. Kid basically only ever sees his grandparents and the nanny, and I don’t think either of them even loves the kid.

Parenting is not for everyone.

I’d just like to hear someone coming out the other side of the menopause still feeling the same about their lack of procreation

I have. I've never wanted any children. I'm 50 now and remaining childless is one of the best decisions that I've ever made. We don't all regret our decisions when we hit the big M

Thanks Mustang

Glad you're feeling good Stevie! It's important for people to know that not having children does not necessarily mean a sad or lonely or regretful life

It was made clear on about our second date that my partner wanted to have children and to carry on dating was pointless if kids weren't an option in the future.
I didn't really want kids but after 6 years of dating just had a now or never moment.
DS is now 21 and since the moment he was born he was beautiful. DS 2 came along 3 years later and life was perfect. Never for one second, even through sleepless nights and challenging times have I thought I made the wrong choice. They have turned out to be fantastic lads, with interesting lives and nice girlfriends. We still enjoy family time with them.
I can't believe that I was worried that I wouldn't be a god enough parent!

Interesting - as a childfree adult I look at my friends who have children and think their lives are nothing but "samey"! It's a grind, it's constant, it's standing in the park watching your kids, it's making dinner etc etc.

My life is somewhere new every weekend, lots of holidays, reading and learning new things, studying part time, changing career, going out to something new most evenings. I don't think life is "samey" without a child at all.

I’d just like to hear someone coming out the other side of the menopause still feeling the same about their lack of procreation

I'd like to add my perspective as well although I'm not quite out the other side of the menopause - I am mid-forties though.

As someone who never felt any urge towards procreation whatsoever, I did hear a lot of "you'll change your mind when you're older". I doubted it, but I kept an open mind. Met DH, and it rapidly became obvious that he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Thinking of having children with him conjured in me a profound sense of sadness at it no longer being just the two of us. Luckily he felt the same way.

I was curious to see if any sort of biological clock would kick in as I approached 40, but every year I felt happier and more relieved about my decision - on a practical level it's allowed us to make some quite major geographical changes over the last few years without having to take the practicalities of children's schooling etc into consideration.

I've also lost both parents which I know can be a catalyst for some to change their minds but that had no impact either.

I may feel different post menopause but I'd be hugely surprised if this was the case, and also at the lack of self-awareness that would indicate.

Forty percent of degree educated women in the UK don't have children, and I can't see them all being plagued with regret really.

Interesting - as a childfree adult I look at my friends who have children and think their lives are nothing but "samey"! It's a grind, it's constant, it's standing in the park watching your kids, it's making dinner etc etc

My life is somewhere new every weekend, lots of holidays, reading and learning new things, studying part time, changing career, going out to something new most evenings. I don't think life is "samey" without a child at all.

I didn't find it 'samey' at all. While having a toddler and a new born I managed to get a degree, change careers, keep my old friends and make new ones.
As the boys got to ages 4 and 7 we were able to start back with our back packing holidays and travel to different places which carried on throughout the years and they are now independent travellers themselves and have introduced their girlfriends to a few countries ( The boys are 17 and20 now)
We carried on skiing, as soon as they were old enough they skied as well. We carried on mountain biking,They are better than us now. We got babysitters and carried on going to gigs, sometimes they come with us and sometimes they go by themselves.
On top of this my partner set up a business which has turned out to be successful and we all help out if needed.
It's been an amazing journey watching and helping them develop. Sure there has been times when it was a slog, but it has never been 'samey'
I love that we are a tight knit unit of 4 ( but usually 6 with gf these days)

I'm not sure about your comment about making dinner? We all have to eat don't we whether we have kids or not.

I'm not criticising anyone's choice, I don't give a shit if some has kids or not but it sounds like you think everything that you enjoy doing stops when you have them which certainly isn't the case.
In fact we got new interests due to the kids (ice hockey and wake boarding being just two)
I've still got my friends from my pre kid days as well!

Glad you're feeling good Stevie! It's important for people to know that not having children does not necessarily mean a sad or lonely or regretful life

No probs Lottapianos I'm not trying to influence anybody one way or the other btw. I just wanted to share my experience and get it out there that it's not a sure fire thing that you'll regret not having children when you hit your late 40s/50s. Some people might. Equally, there will be those who have children and perhaps wish they hadn't Unfortunately we don't get to see how our lives would have been had we made different choices .....

For those of you who have kids and wish they hadn't, that seems to me to be very sad. In fact, regrets either way are a total waste of time. We live by our choices, and there is much to enjoy in life with or without kids. We can't turn back the clock.

Well said mittens

I always vaguely knew that I probably wanted to have children but it wasn't until I met DH that I knew that I did. Partly because he'll be the most wonderful father, but also because from the moment I met him I wanted to build a family with him, and that I wanted that family to include children. I'm not that fussed about having a baby, if I'm honest, but I want children - does that make sense? DH feels the same. I think we'll probably be quite relieved to get through the baby / toddler stage!

Due in January so I guess we'll find out...!

In all honesty I have not found one single thing is made more enjoyable or better since having children. And we struggled to have our children. It was a 'goal' I pursued like a dog with a bone.
Now I wonder if I wanted it because I didn't think we'd be able to do it.

It's dreadful. It is absolutely dreadful. I am already advising both my children - particularly my daughter - not to have children. It's the best advice I can give them.
Admittedly dh isn't much help - he's never changed a nappy, got up in the night etc not ever. Even in the early days when I was on my knees. Maybe that makes a difference. The children are entirely my responsibility and I haven't had any time away from them for two years. And I mean that literally. No social time, no evenings out, no shopping trips, no leisure time. Nothing.

neverwas that is so sad .
If it's any consolation although I loved the children years the teenage years were challenging. I hope you get good teenage years.

What you should be advising your daughter neverwas is not to marry an arsehole.