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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask why you chose to have DC?

145 replies

PixieChemist · 21/09/2017 18:24

DP and I are in the talking about having DC stage and I can't come up with a single logical reason to ttc. DP can't either and said he "just knows he wants (more) DC" - he already has a 5 year old from his first marriage. I know I want DC but then if I think about it logically I just think about how much less money we'll have, how much harder it is to travel, have date nights (we have little in the way of family support for babysitting), sleep in etc.

It just made me wonder, what made you actually decide to go for it?

OP posts:
TheABC · 21/09/2017 19:06

It's not logical, at all! Two DCs here: they are the reason I get up in the morning and I could cheerfully strangle them by 5pm! Having said that, the preschool years are intense and it generally gets easier when they learn to dress, eat and toilet themselves.

If you don't feel like having kids, its perfectly acceptable not to have them. Spend the surplus cash on holidays, mini-breaks, nice food and good company.

Jemimapuddleduk · 21/09/2017 19:12

Uncontrollable broodiness, I was desperate to be pregnant and have a baby.

sarebear1983 · 21/09/2017 19:14

I definitely didn't think logically really, it was more age based, I think if you analysed and pulled apart all the pros and cons, then there would be alot more logical reasons not to such as the reasons you laid out.
But it was a case of thinking that we only get one life and it was something I really wanted to experience if I could. I loved the idea of creating a little mix of myself and my partner and I wanted to feel what it would be like to love something more than anything else in this world, that kind of simple uncomplicated love.
My DS is now 6 months old and no amount of imagining can really prepare you for what it's like. And I have no regrets, I would have regretted not going for this experience. Like everyone says, it does completely change alot of things, but I did uni, the bit of travelling, crazy parties and lots of getting completely drunk and I got to the point where I was looking forward to something different.
It's scary and exciting and amazing, and even when I'm completely sleep deprived and desperate for a bath and a vino, I have no regrets and I'm really happy. Couldn't imagine life any other way now.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 21/09/2017 19:16

Because I didn't want to not have children.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/09/2017 19:16

Ours was a bad reason really.
Just the next thing to do on the steps of life.

Obviously I couldn't change it now, since I adore them, but I wonder if I'd have gone for it if I'd applied more thought.

TheVanguardSix · 21/09/2017 19:17

Unplanned. But wanted.
I really wanted to have kids, have a family. I truly felt this wanting. But I had a realistic approach. Either I'd have babies or I wouldn't. DH felt the same. We sort of had the 'Let's hope for the best but please let's not go down the obsessive Must Have Babies road' talk.

SandysMam · 21/09/2017 19:19

Wanted someone to wipe my bum when I am old Grin
Seriously though, as PP said, just wanted to love more. It is hard work though and the love can be painful (when they are hurt or sad, it breaks me) but I would be lost without them.

lelapaletute · 21/09/2017 19:22

I got severely broody after my sister had kids. I wanted someone to love. For OH, I think it was more "the next thing to do" - he's a projects kind of person. Neither of us had the first idea how incredibly hard it would be. Neither of us (I don't think!) would undo it.

lelapaletute · 21/09/2017 19:23

I am SO looking forward to sleep though. Baby is 8 months and sleeps in two hour chunks. I'm literally hallucinating I'm so tired!! Grin

user1496587010 · 21/09/2017 19:29

Being brutally honest a lack of imagination! It seemed like what you do. Post kids I have had some of the crappest days of my life. But equally nothing makes me as happy as they do. Life was probably more of an even keel before hand.

Wreckingball25 · 21/09/2017 19:51

Mine was a mixture of feeling it would be a waste if my DH wasn’t a dad (I’m not very maternal!) and being totally in love with my new niece.
Similar to PPs, I didn’t think through the actual day-to-day impact, it was more a romantic notion. I wouldn’t have had fertility treatment, and my life would have been filled with more sleep (and planned early retirement!)
She’s nine months old and I love her more than anyone’s ever loved anyone, I tell her that every day.

kittytom · 21/09/2017 20:03

There is no logical reason to have children! I just did.

kittytom · 21/09/2017 20:04

*want them, I mean...

crazypenguinlady · 21/09/2017 20:07

No logical reason. I just always wanted children and could not imagine a life without them. When I think of my life as an old lady in a nursing home, I want children to be part of the equation.

At the moment, DS is a handful. He's teething and frustrated as he can't yet crawl, he's become demanding and whingy and exhausting. I also have PND. Today has been utter shit. Money is less disposable, stress levels are huge and I'm run rugged. But not for one single moment have I ever regretted him, would do it all over again in a heartbeat and would still TTC another baby right now. He's the light and love of my life.

LuluJakey1 · 21/09/2017 20:10

DH wanted them, I had never wanted them- was not totally anti just had no urge for a child ever. He knew that when he married me and just thought I would change my mind. I did agree after 5 years . He didn't pressure me but I knew how much he wanted them and what a fantastic dad he would be. We were 35 when we started.
We have two under 3yrs and I love them to bits, can't believe how much it is possible to love them. 🙂

Coconutspongexo · 21/09/2017 20:11

I didn't choose I never wanted kids ever, I'm not maternal but he is amazing. Not a good answer for you I suppose but there you go

Justonemorepleasethen · 21/09/2017 20:12

The thought of a year off work Grin

Smitff · 21/09/2017 20:14

Not everything in life needs to be logical or rational.

That being sad, given you can't go back you better be sure!

bumblingbovine49 · 21/09/2017 20:22

Being completely honest. Because everyone else was and I was approaching 40 and thought I would regret not having at least one.

However the biggest reason for me trying to conceive was that DH (then DP) wanted a child. I think if I had had a different partner who didn't want children, I wouldn't have had one.

I was never broody, though I was v. good with other people's children and liked them and found them interesting and funny (especially the naughty ones. Wink)

I also had a very close relationship with my niece and nephew and put masses of effort with them in the 15 years after my sister died when they were very young. (Spent almost every moment of leave from work with them for years and helped my parents look after them when their dad worked)

One of my friends with children at the time said she always forgot I didn't have children as I was always happy to talk about children and would like being around them.

I did think having a child would be very hard work and knew deep down I wouldn't make a brilliant mum and despite loving DS very much, I was right about all of that. Luckily DS has one patient, unconditionally loving parent in DH.

I am generally too quick to get irritated, too much of a control freak, too selfish and not patient enough to be a great parent. I am not awful (I hope) but it really does not come naturally to me.

On the other hand I am less of all of those things nowadays. Whether that is age or having DS I don't know but I can't imagine not having DS now.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 21/09/2017 20:24

Before we started trying I was broadly in favour - I had always imagined having children - but had some ambivalence. It isn't really a logical thing to do and I worry/ied a lot about the effect on my career. DH has always very much wanted children and it would have been an absolute deal-breaker if I hadn't wanted them. So about 14 months ago we started trying, but I was terrified. Since then I've had three miscarriages and am terrified that I will never have children. Thinking about what not having children would mean to be has made me realise how very much it is something I want. But all of that's emotion. The timing is now much worse for work so logically it's a worse idea than ever. But the thought of doing the logical thing and waiting a couple of years to try again kills me.

BonnieF · 21/09/2017 20:29

If you look at it rationally and logically, you will always come to the same decision as us ; not to have children. Objectively, the costs ( in every sense) and negatives will always far outweigh the benefits and positives. The child free life is affluent, easy, interesting and fun.

Ultimately, the only reason to have children is if you really, really want them and can't imagine life without them. That wasn't us, so we didn't.

museumum · 21/09/2017 20:33

I was on the fence up till age 34/35 then realised it was then or never and decided to go for it. We chose to have only one though (neither of us are close to our siblings) and I think that really is best of both worlds.

MyBreadIsEggy · 21/09/2017 20:36

I just knew from being a little girl that one day I would be a mum. I've always had a maternal feeling.
And when I met my DH at 16, I knew we would have children.
We now have a Dd and a DS and I would be totally lost without them.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 21/09/2017 20:37

I wanted to do motherhood a damn sight better than my dm. .
I wanted lots so they had each other as I have no siblings, no relatives at all at 46. Been nc with both dps for nearly 20 years.

hana32 · 21/09/2017 20:40

I love children (I work with them) and knew I would want my own one day, I wasn't in any rush though. Was with DH 10 years before we've had our first. Wanted to get my career established, travel, enjoy life just the two of us first. But we always talked about it and both really wanted children. We wanted to be a family. I absolutely love having DS, he has added a whole other level to my life, and filled it with so much love and joy. I will definitely have another at some point. Don't care about limitations on my personal freedom/finances etc, to me it does feel worth it. Not for everyone though obviously.

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