To think dd is too young to decide to change gender?

[CosyLulu]

Dd is nearly 15 and for the last 18 months has slowly turned her back on everything 'girly', not that she was ever girly really. She is very drawn to transgender girls who have become boys and does not relate to any female role models at all. She doesn't wear make up and she's been struggling socially for some time as well as being depressed and isolated.

She feels that changing her gender will change everything. I feel that she's too young to make that decision although I will fully support her if that's the decision she eventually makes. I have no issue with transgender people or sexuality at all. What I'm concerned about is that she is at the mercy of so many hormones right now that I don't think she can make a sensible choice.

AIBU though? Will I regret this? Will she hate me for stopping her to begin a process that she firmly believes is the right one for her?

Has anyone been through this with advice to share?

Dude it's not me who is narrow minded

Strange isn't it - anyone at 16 could move to Scotland and legally make a decision to get married - but not about their own gender.

Moving house and getting married can be reversed.

Permanent changes that come about with hormones and such, cannot.

This is sterilizing kids. Hell some doctors don't even let 30 year old women get sterilized (I know this from experience...)

Not many 16 year olds feel they will want kids, so will not consider this at all.

I'd suggest therapy to explore gender dysphoria. I went through a couple of years where I was very confused and felt that changing gender would help. In the end we worked out it was actually just that I didn't like myself. And not that I wanted to be another gender but another person entirely.

I'm not saying this is the case OP, but I would bear it in mind.

encourage her to wear her hair or clothing the way she wants..like what she wants..without it being strictly put into male/female boxes. Liking princesses and pink doesn't make you a girl, and not liking it doesn't mean you are male.
You're a person with your own tastes and interests .I really think we should be moving more away from strict suffocating harmful gender stereotypes instead of giving them more weight.
Let her explore her own identity (as every teenager does, and should do!!) but no medical procedures at this point at such a young confusing age when her own hormones are still raging.
I second the others that you seem like a very accepting, thoughtful mother and she's lucky.

Not that having kids is the only reason people are against this. Its one of many many reasons. A hell of a lot of health issues come with giving hormones. They are dangerous, and not to be taken lightly.

Blockers even more so. Using fucking cancer drugs to hold off puberty just because kids like dressing in stereotypically male clothing or having short hair or whatever is absolutely insane and yes, abusive.

Agreed with abacus

Counselling a really good idea, help her to explore what her issues really are before making any big/irreversible decisions.

It's astonishing, hornytortiose, that people can be so stupid as to require the points you have just made to be brought to their attention. Stupid - or brainwashed?

Do you think 16 year olds should get married fence?

@KarlosKKrinkelbeim can you explain a bit more what you mean.

About the ASD angle I mean

Stupid - or brainwashed?

Problem is, people cannot speak of this without being shouted down as transphobic. This has even happened on this thread. because of thuis, ONLY the transactivist version is given to people. And their version makes out that blockers are harmless and totally reversible, and that unless you are willing to put your child on the route to permanent medicalization and sterilisation, and a raft of health problems, they will commit suicide. Its bonkers. Absolutely bonkers how no rational/other views are allowed to be heard. As once people wake up to what it all actually means, the entire TA argument falls apart.

Also get her to have a go at filling in this. It may help you -and herself- understand her identity better

itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2015/03/the-genderbread-person-v3/#sthash.rDEMDA3W.dpbs

I think if Fence's DH has a cousin who's been on cross-sex hormones since 14 and is booked in for irreversible surgery at 16 it's fair to say she's pretty invested in believing she's right. Because imagine the enormity, the horror of realising that a child has taken massive doses of hormones and had mutilating surgery - and they might have desisted. I'd imagine most people would convince themselves black was white, the sun went round the earth and the earth was flat rather than face up to that level of guilt.

That's why Fence hasn't addressed the question I put earlier: why, when we know that 80% of children who go through a "trans" phase grow out of it, you'd risk sterilising, mutilating and placing them on hormones which will shorten their life and have long lasting morbidity (loss of bone density, increased risk of various cancers) on a 4 to 1 shot?

As has already been pointed out, wombling, a pattern appears to be emerging of many of the young people with gender issues either having an asd DX, or potentially being on the spectrum. To anyone who knows anything about asd this is not a surprising connection. People with asd are very much focussed on rigid application of rules and categories. If they believe girls are like x and boys are like y, and they don't fit within that, that could well cause them very profound distress and anxiety.
None of that is an argument for helping them "transition". It is an argument for supporting them to function more happily in a predominantly NT world. And for people not to perpetuate bullshit stereotypes.

Our first house was a bad buy and many people regret marrying especially if they are young at the time or even not so young. . So gender reassignment simply can't be compared with either of these things. It can't be reversed.

I have nothing helpful to add, I just came on to say that it makes me so sad that your daughter feels like she doesn't fit in because she doesn't like pink girly things and as a result thinks she must be a boy. How have we still got these horrendous, rigid, damaging stereotypes when it is 2017.

OP, why don't you ask for this to be moved to 'teenagers'. I don't really think this is a good subject for an AIBU thread. Do you? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Karlos and add to that, the fact that many girls with ASD will have little sense of being female in the sense they perceive their peers to be. Getting the correctly gendered behaviour wrong and probably judged and punished for that.
A keen sense of injustice at the different rules and expectations for girls and boys.
I could go on. I lived it.

I have a boy, not a girl, but I get all that max. If we paid proper attention to the emotional welfare of kids with asd (fat chance of that) we would be teaching that your biological sex brings with it no rules or norms at all about how you think, dress, behave.

Strange isn't it - anyone at 16 could move to Scotland and legally make a decision to get married - but not about their own gender.

I dont think people shoild be able to marry at 16. However its not comparable. It can be undone and doesnt have to impact your life forever.

Taking hormones in your teens will and cause further health problems. Do you think osteoporosis wont strike a f to m transgender? Do you think thats how the body works? That just wanting to be a man and some male hormones will stop it?

Ok I was only asking! I was interested that's all.

AuntyEstablishment - this seems to be a very respectful and constructive thread so maybe it is in the right place?

Karlos I really hope so. It's miserable for both sexes the way things are just now.

AIBU reaches more people than the teenagers board. I would say this is in the correct place, especially given the replies all seem respectful and such rather than the usual; 'fuck off' and such you normally see in this section.

The more people read the non-transactivist views the better tbh. Many people will have gender questioning kids, and some of those will only know the TA view and will be of the opinion that the only option is hormones and blockers...which may damage their children health.

As pp's have suggested I think you need to do some serious research.

There is significant evidence that the vast majority of teens who express a desire to change gender, when supported and counselled appropriately decide to retain their birth gender either stopping or not starting any hormone treatment.

I'm not suggesting she doesn't need support and understanding and she may be part of the minority that do go on to transition - but based on her age and available stats it's not a forgone conclusion.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25231780
“…as the World Professional Association for Transgender Health notes in their latest Standards of Care, gender dysphoria in childhood does not inevitably continue into adulthood, and only 6 to 23 percent of boys and 12 to 27 percent of girls treated in gender clinics showed persistence of their gender dysphoria into adulthood.”
Have a look here: 4thwavenow.com/2015/04/11/research-evidence-most-gender-dysphoric-children-grow-up-to-be-gay-or-lesbian/