To think dd is too young to decide to change gender?

[CosyLulu]

Dd is nearly 15 and for the last 18 months has slowly turned her back on everything 'girly', not that she was ever girly really. She is very drawn to transgender girls who have become boys and does not relate to any female role models at all. She doesn't wear make up and she's been struggling socially for some time as well as being depressed and isolated.

She feels that changing her gender will change everything. I feel that she's too young to make that decision although I will fully support her if that's the decision she eventually makes. I have no issue with transgender people or sexuality at all. What I'm concerned about is that she is at the mercy of so many hormones right now that I don't think she can make a sensible choice.

AIBU though? Will I regret this? Will she hate me for stopping her to begin a process that she firmly believes is the right one for her?

Has anyone been through this with advice to share?

Please keep her off the internet as much as possible. She will be convinced that taking hormones and stuff is the only option

There is a high chance your daughter is simply a lesbian. Of course she might not be, but a really high perecentage of gender questioning young people are simply gay.

Yes, she is too young. Of course she can wear what she likes and such...just too young for any permanent changes.

If I had been a kid today I would probably have been shoved down the road of hormones and surgeries and I would not be the mother I am today, as those drugs and such sterilize you. Its not something thats easily reversed, and in some cases it can't be reversed at all.

So the NHS, which does have gender identity clinics, is wrong? Ok >nods, with a head tilt

And under no circumstances get involved with 'mermaids'. Seriously. The NHS may say for you to contact them. Do not, and do a little research on them

Let her change her name if she wants to go by a boy's name, no need to do a deed poll (which she can't do without your consent until she's 16), let her wear what she wants, cut her hair as she likes (within school uniform rules). Try and maintain a dialogue with her - as much as is possible with any teenager.

When it comes to doing anything which may have permanent effect - and given the number of class actions against the manufacturers of Lupron in the states, this includes blockers, try and persuade her to wait until she is out of the general shit storm that is adolescence. www.statnews.com/2017/02/02/lupron-puberty-children-health-problems/
Testosterone which she probably wouldn't be prescribed at her age (though some unscrupulous doctors prescribe it online) has permanent effects including facial and body hair growth and deepening the voice, as well as temporary hormonal side effects like acne and mood changes.
This story by a mother in a similar situation to yourself may be helpful 4thwavenow.com/2016/12/17/a-mums-voyage-through-transtopia-helps-her-daughter-desist/

There are support groups for parents. Mermaids is regularly recommended, but be aware that the CEO sent her child to Thailand for gender re-assignment surgery at the age of 16. This gives you an idea of their approach.
For a more gender-critical approach, there is a new support board. gendercriticalresources.com/Support/index.php

Have a look at Gender Critical Dad's blog as well

How much of the NHS budget is spent on law suits, from medical errors? Head tilt

Fence, the stats suggest that 80% of children who go through a phase of saying they want to be the opposite sex are doing just that - going through a phase. Would you be happy to gamble you child's future fertility and health, as well as mental well being, away on a 4 to 1 shot? Because I wouldn't.

I was literally the TomBoy at that age.
Never wore make up.
Wore XXL T shirts and massive baggy shorts/jeans.
Rode BMX and hung about with the boys.

If someone had said to me that I could be a boy, I would have jumped at it.
I was hating puberty, hating what my body was becoming, hating being a "woman" and everything I thought that meant.

I am so, so, so grateful I was never offered that route.
I am a woman who doesn't conform to stereotype, and that's all good.

I don't need to trans, just be myself and reject the idea that being into "boys" things makes me a boy.

I am a happy mum of one, with a shaved head, mens jeans, and a love of motorbikes. That's it.
No need to be a "man", just be confident in my choices.

I feel so much for the people like me in their teens today, the pressure to conform to a gender stereotype is much, much worse than when I was a teen.

Let her wear what she wants and act how she wants, but don't let her do anything permanent while she's still a vulnerable child. It sounds to me entirely unprofessional self that she's unhappy and feels like she doesn't fit in, amd it sounds like she thinks everything will be magically fixed if she becomes a trans man. That's about as far from the truth as you can get tbh. I do believe there are individuals who genuinely feel they are in the wrong body. I also believe trans is trendy in certain circles of young people.

NYConcreteJungle - Not every trans person is a part of that 'community' (if you're meaning transactivists)!

My ex FIL is transitioning and they disgusted by them as it negatively affects so many other transgender people. They also disagree with children transitioning younger than 18 and also continues to use male bathrooms because they don't want to trample over womens rights. Not all transgender people are arseholes, just like not all non-trans people are nice!

prickly I need to read up on this, I was on zoladex for a couple of years, very similar drug, and it really messed me up (not osteoporosis, although you're warned of this) but I believe it has triggered central hypothyroidism amongst other things, although I'm still trying to prove thags what I have since docs are happy to prescribe it but not so happy to investigate when it messes up your system. Hideous drugs.

/endrant

Wow - thanks.

I have said 18 to her. I don't care about her clothes etc. - she dresses mostly like a boy already. In fact, I think part of why she doesn't want to go out and meet up with anybody is because she doesn't want them to see her clothes. I don't mind the name change either. I'm totally against the drugs and surgery, especially so young.

on 'transing the gays away' - its OK for her to be a young woman who doesn't conform to a gender stereotype and still be a young woman, without having to undergo years of difficult hormone treatment and potentially surgery. It's OK for her to fancy other gender-non-conforming women without needing to 'be' a boy to do that.

This x 100. Give her the confidence to be who she is, wear what she wants and be secure in her own skin.

Semi, I apologise to your family member for my clumsy wording.

She's been having counselling with CAMHS now for going on two years. She is possibly on the autistic spectrum but she is a confusing case. Her conversation revolves only around a few key subjects which she's very eloquent about. She shows no emotion and will not discuss emotional things. I wonder if this is why she identifies with men. No offence intended there - she displays the total awkward gawkiness of a teenage boy when confronted with emotion or romance or anything like that.

I would encourage her to wear what she wants, use what name she wants, and use whatever pronoun she wants.

DD1's school is full of kids who are experimenting with gender. As far as I know none of them are actually taking drugs or even contemplating any imminent medical intervention. It is part of the language they use to express their conflicts or navigate their way through the teen years.

I also think your dd sounds depressed which may or may not have anything to do with her gender conflicts. Why not get her to talk to someone - not to "solve" her gender issues one way or the other but to help her deal with her life right now. Being 15 is hard even for teens who are finding it easy.

I've been encouraging her to think about 'non-binary gender' which is a concept I came across at work about six months ago when I met someone who identified as neither male nor female but was born with a female body. They were very happy with who they were and had felt no need for surgery or drugs.

If you do a bit if research there's a huge overlap between autism and young people who believe they are the wrong gender. It's very common.

Yanbu op

The drugs that are offered as a stop-gap prior to surgery can have devastating lifelong effects. a fifteen year old is not capable of understanding or assessing the magnitude of the risk.

Teenagerhood is dysphoric. Being unhappy with your body, your hormones and the path society expects of you is normal. Most teenagers who experience dysphoria are happy with themselves (potentially but not always having also changed how they understand their sexuality) by the time they are in their mid 20s, with no interventions require except for the process of growing up.

Let your dc know that they are 100% loved no matter what. Agree to using a different name if they want. Don't agree to drugs but be aware that there are websites full of misinformation telling them that their parents are LITERALLY MURDERING them if you don't wholeheartedly fling them down the path to accelerated drugs and surgery asap.

She is who she is. Changing gender won't change that.

Yy maxthemartian. There's got to be something interesting going on there. (Speaking as someone with Aspergers.)

Let her wear what she wants, call herself what she wants. But no to hormones at this age. They are dangerous and affect bone density.
Also remember she is still very young, although she won't think she is. At this age you think you know it all, but in reality most people change a lot in the next few years. So really not a good idea to make irreversible decisions.

Also be careful. Some Trans communities can be supportive. Other local or online Trans communities push people towards surgery, even when the person themselves is unsure, and tell people what to say so they get permission for surgery. She is still very young. And especially because she has been unhappy, it is possible that she just sees this as an easy solution. It really is not.

Don't agree to drugs but be aware that there are websites full of misinformation telling them that their parents are LITERALLY MURDERING them if you don't wholeheartedly fling them down the path to accelerated drugs and surgery asap.

Yes, this would be what you would be told with 'support' from mermaids. False suicide stats and such that really help noone.

Encouraging 'non-binary' gender stuff is a good plan. Though tbh, nearly every person on the earth is 'non-binary' by definition.

Martian's beaten me to it - huge overlap between teens with autism and identifying as transgender. (I personally wonder if it's because many people on the autistic spectrum struggle with social behaviours and need explicit "rule books" to negotiate what the rest of us do instinctively - then there's a temptation to say "well, I don't fit the 'rules' for being a girl, so I must be a boy...", rather than having the freedom a neurotypical person does to say "ah well that means the rules are a crock of shit.")

OP - I think encouraging her to think of herself as "non-binary" would be exactly the route I'd push in your position - allow her to explore her new found world of identifying as trans, but in a way that won't lead to hormonal and surgical interventions.

I'm so glad everyone is saying to wait. It's definitely too young to take hormone drugs imo. I think you're doing the right thing op. I wouldn't lay the cards out on the table and say 18 either, I'd bat it off for a while and just say 'not yet' and discuss the issues she has socially and emotionally instead. She may not be anything, not even gay. I fancied girls as a teenager and I'm not gay. Never wore make up either. Teenagers have a difficult time sometimes with issues of identity and being on the spectrum might make that all the more confusing.