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Original poster

New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

578 replies

Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 16:04

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Hissy · 20/09/2017 15:38

Some kind of virus...

spread by crappy memes....

BridgeOverBubbledWater · 20/09/2017 15:43

I wish I had the time over again to be in your position op where it is early enough to walk away before you get in too deep. I was foolish enough to get sucked into "my nice guy" and it was 18 months of pure hell. It all started off nicey nicey "send me a nice message to come back to" which I foolishly did and then he comes to expect it. Then if you don't one day it quickly goes from "oh that's ok" followed by a guilt trip to plain having a go at you and accusing you of all sorts. Before you know it you're too petrified of his reaction if you don't instantly text back/answer the phone. I used to have to call mine before work and after and if I hadn't called within 10 minutes he would be calling me asking where I was etc in a strop.

I wish now I could go back in time and tell him to FUCK RIGHT OFF! It really was an emotional torturous mess which just got worse and deeper and I say to you now op -run!

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 20/09/2017 15:47

I can of course use the separation from husband as grounds. Not mentally ready etc as grounds
Rejected, if you dump him please tell him the truth, because it's not you is it, it's his behaviour. You find him too full-on, too clingy and suffocating and you don't like it, and that the obsessive memes are the final straw. You don't have to get into a debate about it, you can just tell himstraight, say goodbye and then ignore or block him.

I'd reply "You're crazy! We've been on 2 dates! How can you "love me", "need me"?? This is NOT working out"
Yup, that's more the sort of reply he should get after those memes

I could post a selection of the others but you would probably click unfollow thread if I did lol
I wouldn't. Come on, post them Grin

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 20/09/2017 15:55

Well it's all switched tact. Sounds all dejected on the phone. He has a work related issue which we were discussing the other day . Now it's all yeah I guess I will feel better later etc. General woe is me I am detecting. Apparently he has something to tell me. I said what's that I am all ears. (Curious what it is ) apparently it's nothing serious it a just what he is thinking. Still none the wiser. Have suggested he spits it out and doesn't beat about the Bush and ceases with the suspense element. I bet it's something along the lines of I have been quiet and he is worried I don't want what he wants and he thinks he's losing me... let's see if I Am right!

OP posts:
millifiori · 20/09/2017 15:56

I'm not sure about chucking and blocking him. That will let him feel he has the right to be hurt, then angry. I think (could be wrong) that being really bluntly honest with people like this can help make them back off because it shows you see through all the games.

I'd say something like:
I'm not enjoying how this is progressing at all. I feel pressurised into a level of daily contact that I'm not comfortable with and I don't find memes and constant texting emotionally rewarding. This sort of relationship is definitely not right for me. It never would be. I'm not that sort of person. And I don't find intense declarations of emotions after a couple of meetings at all appealing. We barely know each other so it comes over, at best as superficial to me and at worst as insincere. That's just how I respond to this sort of thing.. This definitely is not right for me and I don't want to take it further. It's sensible to be clear about this while we still barely know each other, so no one gets hurt. All the best

Using quite dull, sensible language that spells out precisely what you don't put up with might send him on his way.

Ducknose · 20/09/2017 16:00

Oh my god, I recognise some of those memes. Sent by a man I hadn't actually met and who said he'd been single for 6 years because 'all women want are bad guys, not nice guys, women are time wasters they don't want a good guy like me', then proceeded to message me photos of every room in his house taken from every angle, texted that he was in fits of tears thinking of his childhood hero who had died in a crash in the early 90s, before bombarding me with graphic, up close photos of his hero's injuries which knocked me sick.
I then told him I couldn't give him what he was looking for, and he childishly ranted how I was just 'like the rest of them, yet again wasting his time'.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 20/09/2017 16:03

He is always going to have something to tell you

Just finish with him no excuses need to be given

You are being pulled in

And in future please don't lay all your cards on the table just enjoy yourself and remember you can not control how people behave or what they do if you are not happy feel under pressure something doesn't feel right then move on. Obviously later on in a relationship you will have more open discussions but that is when you know each other not on your first few dates and stay clear of anyone trying to do the same

LanaDReye · 20/09/2017 16:05

Short and sweet is better I think.

Sorry I don't think we are compatible and I won't be seeing you Sat. Best wishes.

He'll ask why, stick with the I can't see this working line. No further discussion. He is already very stalkerish and you don't want to feed this.

Happyemoji · 20/09/2017 16:05

Bloody hell op I hope you find a decent man soon. They are out there you just need to dig a little deeper.

CousinKrispy · 20/09/2017 16:05

millifiori's approach is probably sensible, especially if you follow it up with not engaging further with him. He will try to argue, he will try to bait you by saying the "right thing" to suck you back in, or saying something insulting you feel you have to respond to, or showing how "hurt" he is so you feel guilty and think that as a nice decent person you should respond out of politeness. Do not do that. You have already given him a full enough explanation (even if that explanation is only "I don't want to continue with this, please do not contact me again" rather than a longer one).

What he wants is to hook you, to keep you responding to him in some way. Remember that's just part of his neediness and while sometimes it might look more reasonable, it's just a matter of time before it turns into barfy memes again.

Happyemoji · 20/09/2017 16:07

I think you meeting with friends with him could make the whole day feel awkward. Do you really want to go on Saturday with him?

Rezan · 20/09/2017 16:07

“I’ve got something to tell you”. Hmm.

I used to know someone who was a bit like this man. When he could sense I was trying to back away, he would have something to tell me. Later (probably when he had time to make his story up.). Usually something awful that had happened to him, that “excused” whatever behaviour had put me off him and made me feel guilty.

At first from your posts I thought he was very needy. Reading on, I think he knows exactly what he is doing. Please be careful not to get sucked in to whatever it is he tells you.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 20/09/2017 16:12

Thanks for all the replies, advice and action plans. Literally waiting just out of curiosity to hear what it is. I Am convinced it's a panic that I am being quiet, am I ok, he's here for me, he's not going anywhere etc etc etc . I am sure of it

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2017 16:13

Op why don't you just come out with it and end it with him, why keep stringing it out.

TurnipCake · 20/09/2017 16:16

Literally waiting just out of curiosity to hear what it is

Why? Why do that to yourself? Put yourselves out of the misery so you can enjoy tonight knowing you're shot of him.

DancingLedge · 20/09/2017 16:28

So love bombing you wasn't quite working.
But he's got you hooked on his line with curiosity.

Ellisandra · 20/09/2017 16:30

You are in danger of staying in touch with this man just for the attention on this thread, I fear Sad Don't.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2017 16:32

Either that Ellis or it's a very tall yarn!

Kr1s · 20/09/2017 16:33

He's going to confide something difficult, real or imaginary, to guilt trip you and reel you in.

It will be something sad that happened in his childhood or marriage.

E.g. He's sorry he's been so clingy but

his grandmother droppped dead in front of him when he was 8 / his ex hit him / dumped him for his BF / his scout leader abused him / he once took an overdose / his mum has cancer

And since then he's never been able to trust any woman until he met you.

Then you won't be able to dump him because that would be callous wouldn't it ?

He can feel you pulling away from him so he needs to ramp up the manipulation.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 20/09/2017 16:38

Right well he says he feels the initial spark has gone although we are still getting to know each other and he feels its on my part . That's because I have backed off from contact a bit . Time to send the fuck off text. Man would be incapable of coping if I was away dealing with something serious or important. Fucking draining. Bye bye time

OP posts:
DistractedByAFatDog · 20/09/2017 16:40

I think he's trying to hint that he's going to dump you. You're probably supposed to get all worried like he would.

RolfNotRudolf · 20/09/2017 16:41

Aww, poor diddums, you're not giving him the attention he craves - what a leech.

IrenetheQuaint · 20/09/2017 16:43

Perfect. You can reply 'Yes, you're right, it's not really working for me. All the best for the future x'

then pour yourself a large glass of wine and enjoy your escape from ghastly memes.

NurseButtercup · 20/09/2017 16:51

Oh no no no, just no please let him go....the memes when you can't chat is too much. I had a brief encounter with one that behaved like this after only one date. He used to send memes after he left a voicemail. He couldn't understand why I didn't pick up my phone at 1pm(his lunchtime), at 6pm (when he was home and settled with a bottle of beer). He couldnt understand why I didn't go straight home after work. He couldn't understand why I would go shopping/cinema/work late/meet my friend for dinner after work, if it wasn't something I'd planned to do and discussed the evening before with him. He dressed it up as being worried about me if I wasn't home by a certain time. He then informed me that I'd need to change some of my going out habits if I wanted to be with him. Oh and I should stop wasting money on all the last minute activities.

Red flags for being mean and controlling.

I simply and quietly (I was raging by this point) told him that I, a single independent grown woman don't need his permission to live my unorganized life as I please. I told him not to call me again and I blocked his number.

Don't fall for the "I've got something to tell you" line. It's part of the tactic to keep you interested.

Let him go....there's somebody else out there for you xx

NurseButtercup · 20/09/2017 16:53

Oooops cross post with your last update!! Well done op just tell him bye bye