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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to ask for help to replace lost things

150 replies

Alexkate2468 · 18/09/2017 11:32

My parents are great and such good help with the kids. 2 weeks ago, they took them both out for the day. They were going to a National Trust place and the weather wasn't great so I packed a bag with waterproofs, hats, spare footwear etc. There was over £200 worth of stuff in the bag altogether they came back and said that they were sorry but they lost the bag of stuff...All of it. It was all new stuff that I had bought ready for this season. I'm gutted. I'm. On maternity leave and really can't afford to replace it. We've tried trying to trace the stuff but it's been a few weeks and it hasn't turned up. My parents haven't mentioned replacing it. WIBU to ask them to at least help to replace some of the stuff? Do I just suck it up and try to find cheap replacements?

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 18/09/2017 13:30

I would certainly get used to getting some cheap spares like waterproof coat etc or just spending less before the kids start school as the school won't replace lost things and ime it happens frequently.

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 18/09/2017 13:30

I wouldn't as for money outright but just maybe if they wouldn't mind replacing the coats or shoes as a one off. They know our money is tight. Theirs isn't. And line I've said, of I raise it and it gets a negative reaction, I'll just drop it and move on. I won't make them feel punished or guilty.

PlasticPatty... Was that a necessary response...

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 18/09/2017 13:36

OVienna, yes, a good, nonconfrontational way to approach it.

They do know it was new stuff, as dd did them a lovely fashion show when she got them 🤣

I do appreciate them and so I don't want to cause any upset, especially since we have had issues in the past, but after reading responses here and thinking, I reckon I can approach it in a way that won't risk too much... And like I said, if it looks like it's going nowhere, I'll drop it and move on.

OP posts:
ragged · 18/09/2017 13:36

Since it's a hardship to OP I can understand her asking for some kind of help replacing the items, even if that's in form of early birthday/Xmas pressies.

If weather was that foul I'm amazed the oldies took the littlies out at all. I don't think you can trust them with your expensive things again.

Since OP said NT property it seems odd that the kids need snowsuits for an outing on 18 September. Are there NT properties in northern Sweden, maybe?

Did they know you were the sort of person to pack full spare expensive outfits? See, me, there would have been inexpensive stuff from charity shops, maybe £50 total value tops = entire bag all the same stuff OP listed - except no spare shoes in addition to wellies (so just wellies).

Coffeeandcherrypie · 18/09/2017 13:36

Definitely ask them to replace them and tell them the stuff was brand new.

They're awful for not offering to replace.

They weren't providing childcare, they wanted to have a cheap day out with grandkids (which is fine) but they have to bear the consequences of not being careful with the kids' bag. I bet they didn't lose anything of theirs.

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 18/09/2017 13:39

Ragged, they were warm winter waterproof coats... It was another poster talking about snowsuits.

Also, were a very 'get outdoors whatever the weather' family... Which is why we invested in decent stuff.

NT play parks are muddy and it's easy for kids to get cold and wet when the weather is bad so I sent them with appropriate clothing.

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 18/09/2017 13:41

If the day out was at their request, rather than them doing a favour for you, then it does put a slightly different slant on it.

clairethewitch70 · 18/09/2017 13:42

Have you looked on Ebay? Chances are someone kept the bag and are selling the clothes on there?

OVienna · 18/09/2017 13:42

I think it was another poster that mentioned snowsuits, not the OP. Waterproofs, etc all totally normal items. How many people have loads of duplicates? Maybe for the younger one but we don't even know the ages of the children.

OP I'm guessing your parents are fairly thick skinned...

cathf · 18/09/2017 13:49

Are you for real Cherrypie????

ragged · 18/09/2017 13:51

My loft is heaving with warm padded coats & even some good quality salopettes.. that someone gave us. We have barely ever bought anything like that. Unworn by DC, DC prefer fleece jumpers under light jackets. Teen DD has a trip to Iceland next yr -- she might finally want a puffy jacket, hoorah(!)

If the items got left behind then it sounds like they all went unused.
I'm on your side, btw, you're reasonable to ask for help with replacement. But maybe you don't want to take such a risk next time, try to send a smaller bag with less durable and also less valuable stuff, allow a few more risks with the weather by being less prepared for every eventuality. NT properties have warm cafes & cars have good heaters, etc.

If my bag went missing in OP's scenario, I dare say the bag might have been worth more than all the contents.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 18/09/2017 13:58

Yes, I am cathf...are you?????

Aderyn17 · 18/09/2017 14:00

It's not free childcare. OP didn't ask for it, the gps wanted to take them out and it's not a favour if it ends up costing the OP £200!

I've had similar and I think you do just have to suck it up if they don't offer to help replace. But it would make me feel reluctant to send the kids out with them. They can't help losing something but washing their hands of the cost afterwards would piss me off. I think they think they were doing you a favour, even though they weren't.

HeebieJeebies456 · 18/09/2017 14:02

Just speak to them and say you have to replace the lost things, and would they mind contributing towards that as an early christmas gift (instead of buying presents)?

Unless they have form for doing things like this, it's an accident.
I don't think it would be right to ask them to pay £200 if it's going to cause bad feelings and strain relationships.

Believeitornot · 18/09/2017 14:05

Bit of an out there question - you said funds were tight because you're on mat leave. This isn't one of those situations where you have to cover the costs of everything and your dh doesn't chip in... just checking....

But putting that to one side, yes I would expect them to contribute to replacements. We spend a lot of money on decent waterproofs simply because they work and it means the kids don't moan about being cold and wet!

Have you tried eBay for secondhand stuff in the meantime?

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 18/09/2017 14:05

Veto, there's a 5 year age gap. One boy, one girl. We didn't expect to have ds so we didn't keep any of dd's stuff. Also, ds is a baby in nappies... Full outfit change are often needed. Dd is a lover of puddles and mud and is likely to get covered. I like to be prepared.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 18/09/2017 14:09

I agree with the suggestion of asking for help buying the coats/boots etc and suggesting that they are an early Christmas present.

I would also go visit the place and have a walk around to see if the bag has fallen in an enbankment etc. Also call into any shops businesses nearby if any. Sometimes people find things and don't hand it into the nearest place. The nearest police station might also be worth a quick call.

Also if they went anywhere else before and after ring and check. Don't bank on their memory of having the bag at any stage.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 18/09/2017 14:16

I think asking for replacements for an early Xmas present would be fine. They may not know how pricey the contents of the bag was or that you can't afford to replace it.

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 18/09/2017 14:27

Believe it, no my dh and I have joint finances. We've been caught off guard with this maternity leave so were unprepared... But it was a lovely, welcomed surprise.

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 18/09/2017 16:09

No I don't think I would ask them I'm afraid.
I'd drop a few hints and see if any help was forthcoming but that's about it.
A childfree day and the children a good relationship with their grandparents are both big benefits to you all

Twillow · 18/09/2017 16:22

Did you pay their tickets/fuel costs etc? ...
I can understand its a bit annoying especially if it's things like salopettes, but personally I'd see it as the accident it undoubtedly was. If I had sent them out with something valuable and mislayable I'd have made that clear from the outset, maybe you did. Family is family and good ones are hard to come by so hang tight and ask round your friends for spares or go on ebay.

user1499786242 · 18/09/2017 16:33

Ahh I would be absolutely fuming!
Such an awkward situation! Literally don't know what I would do!
Sorry that's no help but you have my sympathy

artisancraftbeer · 18/09/2017 16:39

Would you usually offer to pay fuel costs and (non-existant) entry fees if someone had offered a day out as a treat?

I wouldn't but wonder if I'm doing these things wrong and upsetting mumsnetters all over the place.

I'd be a bit annoyed op, but think you've had some very good ways of gently suggesting that your parents contribute a bit and way forward if they don't.

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 18/09/2017 17:01

Artisan, yes, I've had some really good input on this thread and think I've found my way forward. They're coming for tea on Wednesday so I'll test the water then. The one thing I'm not going to do though is anything that will impact my relationship with them. We're pretty open and honest with each other but I guess just something from my past relationship with them niggles at the back of my mind.

The fuel/ticket cost thing is irrelevant. There was no entry fee (all NT members here) and I'm not sure why I would be supposed to pay fuel costs for a trip that they suggested.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 18/09/2017 20:49

Presumably they bought them food etc though unless you sent pack ups? It seems like you think them taking them for the day is worth nothing because they offered. They could just have come and visited them at your house as it would be a lot easier for them but they have taken them for a day out which is no mean feat when you're not used to 2 little ones every day and especially if they are getting on themselves. They likely wanted to help you out and give you a break. You could have declined. They lost a bag by mistake. I really don't think you can bill family members for stuff like that. Maybe if you let them know what was in the bag and ask them if they could get them new coats as an early xmas present they might just offer to replace them anyway but you really don't seem to appreciate that they took your kids for the day and have before - even if not frequently. My eldest is 10 and a relative has never looked after them for a full day. I don't mind but it certainly isn't a given that gps do that kind of childcare. Especially when the dc are small and hard work.