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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to ask for help to replace lost things

150 replies

Alexkate2468 · 18/09/2017 11:32

My parents are great and such good help with the kids. 2 weeks ago, they took them both out for the day. They were going to a National Trust place and the weather wasn't great so I packed a bag with waterproofs, hats, spare footwear etc. There was over £200 worth of stuff in the bag altogether they came back and said that they were sorry but they lost the bag of stuff...All of it. It was all new stuff that I had bought ready for this season. I'm gutted. I'm. On maternity leave and really can't afford to replace it. We've tried trying to trace the stuff but it's been a few weeks and it hasn't turned up. My parents haven't mentioned replacing it. WIBU to ask them to at least help to replace some of the stuff? Do I just suck it up and try to find cheap replacements?

OP posts:
inchyrablue · 18/09/2017 12:15

I would keep trying at the NT though, it might take a day or two for the stuff to find it's way back to the right people who would know if it had been handed in.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 18/09/2017 12:18

I'd have to ask, because there's no way I'd have the money to replace it. I just had to ask DM for £24 for a coat for DS2. From August (4 birthdays in 2 months) onwards, it's just spend, spend, spend. 😢

Cakedoesntjudge · 18/09/2017 12:19

I think if they were willing to contribute they'd have offered; so, in your case, I wouldn't ask but I'd be annoyed they hadn't offered!

With regards to replacing the stuff - Asda usually do a thinsulate range of hats and gloves for children and their coats are normally pretty good quality IF you don't go for the character ones that tend to not be as good. I wouldn't bother getting shoes and wellies from there though, they generally aren't that hard wearing.

As PP mentioned - definitely worth trying charity shops but also what about eBay? Or any local second hand sales? Might be worth a try.

KinkyFruits · 18/09/2017 12:21

If they do a lot of childcare for which you would otherwise have to pay, I would say suck it up and replace yourself. We spend well over £200 per month on childcare one afternoon a week and the odd night out. If we had family doing it for free that would be an enormous saving. The idea of DH and me getting a day alone together (as I imagine you did when your parents took your DCs to a National Trust property) is a lovely fantasy. An overnight is too impossible to even contemplate. If we were getting that kind of help even a few times a year, it would be worth way more than £200 to keep it going.

That said, your parents had responsibility for your things and lost them. I don't think YWBU to politely ask them for a contribution, if their finances are such that it wouldn't be a burden. Did they know it was brand new stuff and do they have any idea how much it will cost to replace? A lot of PPs clearly don't. If you are honest with them about the replacement cost and your difficulty in affording it, they may offer to pay for some or all of it.

You may also want to pick up extra stuff at a charity shop or Primark, for your kids to use when they are with your parents.

Susierocks · 18/09/2017 12:23

I wouldn't. Accidents happen and if they haven't offered I wouldn't risk your relationship with them.

Honestly you can buy stuff a lot cheaper than that if you're looking to replace. I have got excellent quality, warm winter jackets, snowsuits, etc from nct nearly new sales, loads of friends and family have old clothes they want to get rid of, charity shops. Wow to the person who spends £120 on a snowsuit. If I had to spend that much I wouldn't be able to afford to have children.

scottishdiem · 18/09/2017 12:24

I would totally ask. They lost it, they need to pay for it.

doze931 · 18/09/2017 12:26

If the place they lost it wasnt to far away cud you go check it hadnt fell down a bankment or something in carpark. Plus to ask in person if anything handed in. I lost my purse once. And rang about 4 times and told no. Person hadnt bothered looking but when i asked in person it was there

LaurieFairyCake · 18/09/2017 12:27

I don't think it would be easy to ask. I HATE losing things so would be really miffed Flowers

SoggyTuesday · 18/09/2017 12:27

It seems a bit odd that someone would pick up the bag and take it, so I would ask them to revisit and re trace their footsteps? ask to see the lost property person etc

guilty100 · 18/09/2017 12:28

No, I absolutely wouldn't charge them. Presumably they are caring for your children for free? So you will have saved a lot more than £200 from their help each week. This is one of those accidents that happens, unfortunately.

cathf · 18/09/2017 12:30

Would PP really as their parents - who were looking after their grandchildren for the day - to replace these items?
Surely it's all about give and take - they look after the children for free, you accept the odd annoyance like this? That was always the deal when mine were little and is the deal with everyone I know.
I do sometimes wonder if I am on the same planet as some people on MN, and how they retain any relationships whatsover. Are they really so strident in real life?

LillianGish · 18/09/2017 12:32

My feeling is that if you left a big bag of clothes like that at a National Trust place either a member of staff would find it or someone would hand it in. The thing is there are often different volunteers working on different days so one phone call might not sort it. I would go back to the NT place in person - preferably with your parents and ask again. Try and establish who was working in the car park on that day (or wherever) and find out what happens to lost items or where else it might have been put for safe keeping. If it were my parents I would stress how much the contents of the bag were worth and hope they might make a contribution - I'm not sure I would ask outright especially if they were doing you a favour taking them out.

SusanTheGentle · 18/09/2017 12:32

I would tell them the cost and expect them to replace it. I wouldn't dream of losing £200 of someone else's things and not offering and I'd expect the same from my parents. Even if I were doing that person a favour.

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 18/09/2017 12:34

They don't do free 'childcare' for us. They do offer (as they did on this occasion) to take them out for the day as they like to do it. They don't do any regular slots or anything like that. They visit to play and come for tea each week and take them out once in a while so I wouldn't say I was benefiting from free childcare. It's very rare we all... Last time was over a year ago for a funeral.

OP posts:
Anatidae · 18/09/2017 12:35

Wow to the person who spends £120 on a snowsuit.

Hmm well I'm terribly sorry, I'll send him out at -20 all day in an Asda puffa jacket. I'm sure he won't get frostbite or owt like that and it'll go nicely with his hairshirt thermals.

I know it's expensive. Not optional where I live. You can of course by second hand - second hand stuff will cost you 40 quid or so still.

Children need good outdoor clothing where I am. It's not optional. It's our biggest expense on clothing by a long way. Supermarket waterproofs are fine for the odd hour or so but NONE of them are proper outdoor gear. If kids are outdoors for hours on end they need to be dressed well. My own childhood memories of being fucking soaked and freezing growing up in the UK attest to the national dislike of appropriate clothing.

Up to you what you do OP, but I'd at least ask again and point out the cost of what was lost.

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 18/09/2017 12:35

Also, going in person may work. It's a decent drive though but I suppose we could make a day of it.

Also, I definitely think the idea of having a bag of cheaper clothes for being with grandparents is a good idea.

OP posts:
highinthesky · 18/09/2017 12:38

I'll send him out at -20 all day in an Asda puffa jacket

Whereabouts in the UK do you live??!

Susierocks · 18/09/2017 12:38

Anatidae please don't get offended, I'm not criticising you at all. Honestly I think it's completely up to the individual how they spend their money. I was just saying as op says money is quite tight there are cheaper alternatives. I personally couldn't afford to spend that much on my children as they obviously only last one season.

Anatidae · 18/09/2017 12:44

You wouldn't have a choice, susie. You could get second hand ones but your children physically cannot go outdoors to play all day here unless they are dressed appropriately.
Parents here prioritise such things over other consumer goods. My son's outdoor gear isn't optional. We get hand me downs where we can, but unfortunately they grow like weeds and every year we end up spending a couple of hundred on boots, snowsuits, etc. It's just how it is. We often get Foreign parents asking if stuff like Asda /supermarket gear is ok and the answer is no. Not for outdoor play.

We had two kids near us get quite severe frostbite last year from being under dressed. Social services are now involved with both families.

Anyway, irrelevant to the OP and my apologies for derailing. I just got annoyed on here when it's seen as some sort of terrible decadence to spend money on stuff.

ShotsFired · 18/09/2017 12:47

I don't suppose you bought any of it on an American Express card did you @Alexkate2468? They have excellent purchase protection for lost stolen or damaged.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 18/09/2017 12:47

My parents would have offered to replace straight away. In fact my parents are likely to have bought my ds's clothes in the first place. 💖 Though I dress him ok they're always offering to buy him stuff like winter boots etc.

Bibidy · 18/09/2017 12:47

I wouldn't ask for money, it sounds like a genuine unfortunate mistake and they may feel like you're blaming them. Plus they probably didn't realise the stuff in there was worth so much, so they may feel awful if you tell them.

BlackeyedSusan · 18/09/2017 12:49

bloody hell.

yes it cost that much for two kids.

Spudlet · 18/09/2017 12:50

That's so annoying! I think it would be worth mentioning to your parents, especially since money is tight - even if they just contribute a bit it will help. Have you been open with them about how much it all cost? Is that possible in your relationship?

BarbarianMum · 18/09/2017 12:50

Up to you OP. But my kids grandparents have saved us well over £200 in childcare over the years so I'd not dream of asking. And YY to cheap and cheerful coats and wellies for "trips and playing"