Haven't spoken to DH since yesterday morning. AIBU

[owltrousers]

I'm 23 weeks pregnant, me and DH usually get along very well and are very much in love but in the past we have had silly arguments that last days.

Yesterday he was washing up, I was drying. I asked him nicely to put the washing up on the drying rack when I made space, rather than on the surface in a pool of water. He ignored my comment and carried on putting wet washing up straight on the surface so I said ''OK, or just ignore me and carry on" to which he replied ''You're drying it straight up anyway!" to which I said ''Only because you're leaving it in a pool of water''
He then snapped ''OH SHUT UP'' which really pissed me off so I told him to fuck off and carried on drying up (angrily) he then said ''Just stop drying, don't bother!''

I went and sat on the sofa with the dog and started crying a little bit (I'm V hormonal) It was a stupid dumb argument but the way he spoke to me really upset me, it just felt dead disrespectful.

We haven't spoken since. About half an hour after it happened I made him a cup of tea and called up to him but he came down, drank it in the kitchen and ignored me (weeping on the sofa.) We were supposed to be having a lovely lamb roast dinner but by this point I was buggered if I was going to cook him a roast so I just made my own tea and he sulkily cooked himself a frozen pizza.

This morning I didn't even look at him, still left him a cup of tea out on the side even though he didn't even come downstairs to say goodbye when I went to work.

You might wonder why I am being so stubborn, I am literally ALWAYS the peacemaker and I've had enough, I tried making him a cup of tea - that would have been the perfect time for him to apologise, but no. I'm not sure what'll happen from here, AIBU? Sorry - venting over!

Him telling you to shut up was bad, but you telling him to fuck off was worse! If i were him i'd have taken major offense to that, and a cup or tea certainly wouldn't have me apologising for a "shut up" when you swore at me. You definitely need to apologise too.

Just leave him to stew in his own juices. I hate sulkers who drag things out for days.

You both spoke to each other disrespectfully though.

Is he often rude to you? If you're always the peace maker I can see that there would be a straw that broke the camels back

I can't bare sulkers either. Sulking is very manipulative

Honestly, you are both being unreasonable. This is a silly row over something trivial which you've admitted is probably due to your pregnancy hormones. You overreacted, he should have spoken to you since - he's being very unreasonable carrying this on.

I suggest you apologise for blowing it out of proportion and have a conversation not via cryptic tea messages. You are going to have a baby very soon and things can and may get much bigger and harder than this. You really need to be on the same page not ignoring each other for days.

Oh, and I'd recommend getting a dishwasher! It can be a real timesaver and time is key with a new baby.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, it's such an amazing time

Thanks everyone.

I do realise I was in the wrong swearing at him too, there wasn't an excuse for that. I think I just wanted him to approach me and apologise seeing as it was him who lashed out at me first.

haha @fedupithink I would bloody love a dish washer, unfortunately its a tiny rented house with absolutely no room for one - not even a countertop :(

@plop5 No he's not usually, he's generally a very good chap.

I know you are hormonal, I'm pregnant too so I get it, but sometimes in a relationship one of you needs to be the bigger person and act like an adult.
Why not just say that you were hurt/annoyed and that you are sorry it escalated, then surely if he is a reasonable human he'll say how he feels and apologise too.

I know mumsnet will probably tell you that your shouldn't need to apologise, but I think in real life, sometimes you just hang to be a grown up.

"Sulking is very manipulative"

So is crying to be honest. He is probably thinking, fantastic - I get told to fuck off and she goes and cries. How many more weeks of this.

You both need to address this. He shouldn't be sulking but sulking after being told to fuck off isnt too much of a bad thing to be honest. And sulking gets away from any more arguments which gets away from more crying.

@Euphemia I can be, its something I know I do and I am working on, hence the very careful, nicely asking him to put the washing up on the rack (surely not an unreasonable request!?)

As you say, you usually get on well then maybe hormones are a factor in this.
Tou say arguments, so I'm assuming there's been a few recently. Sounds like what seemed like an overreaction on his part is likely a build up from the previous ones too.

He shouldn't be sulking, and you were also in the wrong but you Both need to learn to communicate with each other better.
As a pp days, it's going to get harder with a baby in the mix. Sort it now

Fuck off is way more disrespectful than shut up.

You can't minimise your behaviour by saying it was provoked by him telling you to shut up. Your an adult.

Stop doing dishes together. It isn't a two person job unless you are both enjoying it which you clearly arent as you are fighting over it. That's ridiculous. One person can do the job start to finish then any pools of water they create are their own responsibility to clean up.

One thing I will say is that when people say "I asked him nicely" on MN it screams out that they are having to emphasise that they said it nicely because they have a history of not doing it nicely. Do you have a habit of speaking to him like a child? This is the impression I get from that statement. Ask yourself how you think he should ask you not to do something like setting the dishes on the counter. How could he say that in a way that wouldn't irritate you?

Honestly? You sound hard work.

I wouldn't be in a rush to speak to someone who micro manages menial tasks & then tells me to fuck off

You sound like a couple of 9 yr olds - except I wouldn't accept swearing from a 9 yr old.
You criticised him. He didn't react well. You reacted far worse, yet you think he needs to apologise and not you ??

You say he lashed out first, but you were being incredibly passive aggressive in saying, "OK, or just ignore me and carry on" when he objected to you 'managing' his washing up.

There's very much two sides to this coin.

Although sulking for days is bloody childish of him.

I'm with Naze

You both sound immature.

Varying is manipulative??
Ive heard it all now.
Crying is a pretty normal reaction when you are upset. Wallowing would be different. But that's NOT what the OP is talking about. She was upset, she cried. NORMAL and NOT manipulative fgs.

I know you guys are right about my reactions and I know I can be a bit of a pain in liking things done a certain way / micromanaging but its honestly something I'm working V hard on and DH knows this. I'm not hard work, we get on very well most of the time, last time we argued was probably about 3 months ago.

I was more pissed off that he can sulk for this long over something this trivial than just give in for once and approach me - rather than the other way round, as it ALWAYS is.

Bringing a child into this is ridiculous.

My DH does what you did there to me over household tasks and it gets a bit wearing. It makes me feel like a useless child. My motto is that, if I'm doing it, I do it how I do it unless life and death. I agree with him in that, if you are drying it straight away, it doesn't really matter how it's stacked.

I have ignored him under similar circumstances - not to make a point, necessarily but to avoid a 'discussion' on how I might be wrong and to give myself head space so that I don't just verbally lash out.

@PositiveReinforcement

Yeah wtf. I was crying because I was upset. I cried about 4 or 5 times yesterday. Arguments stress me out.

@tellmyfriendsiminlove I was waiting for this over reaction.