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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Haven't spoken to DH since yesterday morning. AIBU

133 replies

owltrousers · 18/09/2017 10:27

I'm 23 weeks pregnant, me and DH usually get along very well and are very much in love but in the past we have had silly arguments that last days.

Yesterday he was washing up, I was drying. I asked him nicely to put the washing up on the drying rack when I made space, rather than on the surface in a pool of water. He ignored my comment and carried on putting wet washing up straight on the surface so I said ''OK, or just ignore me and carry on" to which he replied ''You're drying it straight up anyway!" to which I said ''Only because you're leaving it in a pool of water''
He then snapped ''OH SHUT UP'' which really pissed me off so I told him to fuck off and carried on drying up (angrily) he then said ''Just stop drying, don't bother!''

I went and sat on the sofa with the dog and started crying a little bit (I'm V hormonal) It was a stupid dumb argument but the way he spoke to me really upset me, it just felt dead disrespectful.

We haven't spoken since. About half an hour after it happened I made him a cup of tea and called up to him but he came down, drank it in the kitchen and ignored me (weeping on the sofa.) We were supposed to be having a lovely lamb roast dinner but by this point I was buggered if I was going to cook him a roast so I just made my own tea and he sulkily cooked himself a frozen pizza.

This morning I didn't even look at him, still left him a cup of tea out on the side even though he didn't even come downstairs to say goodbye when I went to work.

You might wonder why I am being so stubborn, I am literally ALWAYS the peacemaker and I've had enough, I tried making him a cup of tea - that would have been the perfect time for him to apologise, but no. I'm not sure what'll happen from here, AIBU? Sorry - venting over!

OP posts:
Lovingmybear2 · 18/09/2017 10:55

Oh dear well I don't know about any other poster but we have done this, and yes it was in our younger days before kids.

Look text him and say you are sorry for being pikki and swearing at him but that you think he's an arse for not accepting your tea white flag!

An sure he will see the funny side and text back.

Don't worry though after the baby is here you will both be far too tired to keep up tears, sulks or angst. Grin

GrumpyOldBag · 18/09/2017 10:55

I'm with you OP.

My DH can be like this sometimes. But I think the best course of action is to nip it in the bud and behave like adults - and if you get to be the adult so be it.

I usually say something like "I'm sorry we had a silly argument" which is a way of apologising without accepting full responsibility.

PositiveReinforcement · 18/09/2017 10:56

Easy to say too that the OP was PA by saying 'OK carry on and ignore me'
Butbwhat about the fact that he DID ignore her in the first place. Was that not a PA way to say that she was talking bollocks and there was no need at all???

What I see here is the reaction of someone who felt ignored and taken for granted.
She asked for something, he didn't answer, didn't say anything at all but ignore her completely as if her pov had no value at all.
She reacted, maybe not in the best way. But the truth is that he DID ignore her. That was a statement.

I also notice the fact that she is ALWAYS the peace keeper and the one who is coming to see him to make amend. Why is that?? Why is it not possible for him to actually stop sulking (because he is sulking big way) and come to speak to the OP?

If there is a case where both parties could have done better, this is one.
What I'm not sure about is why this is the OP who shouldn't be stubborn but it's OK for her DP to be. Or why it should be the OP who goes to see him and not the other way around.

Lovingmybear2 · 18/09/2017 10:57

telly

You are joking arnt you otherwise that's a fucking ridiculous post.

lawnofdelray · 18/09/2017 10:57

Wait until you're both having pathetic fights over doing baby care, sitting on the couch crying won't get the attention you crave then.

DearMrDilkington · 18/09/2017 10:58

I'd sort out this petty behaviour before baby comes, otherwise its going to be a lot worse when your sleep deprived and it doesn't sound like a healthy atmosphere for a baby.

WorraLiberty · 18/09/2017 10:58

Crying can be manipulative, however it isn't always.

About half an hour after it happened I made him a cup of tea and called up to him but he came down, drank it in the kitchen and ignored me (weeping on the sofa.)

That ^^ does sound a bit manipulative to me, to make someone a cup of tea, call them downstairs, and expect them to drink it in front of that person while they're 'weeping on the couch'.

Totally different to the perfectly natural reaction of bursting into tears.

Lovingmybear2 · 18/09/2017 10:58

Or you could call his mother!

If my dils called me with this I would be having strong words with my dss.

Pregnant people are allowed slack

HerOtherHalf · 18/09/2017 10:59

Neither of you come out well in this and both seem to be very childish. You both need to calm down, grow up and talk like adults. Stop using hormones as an excuse as well, own your behaviour. You think life is stressful just now? Wait until the baby arrives! If the two of you can't do the dishes together without it turning into a hissy fit you have no chance.

Lovingmybear2 · 18/09/2017 11:00

Oh stop being so bloody mean to the op. She's pregnant. Obviously first baby and she's allowed some slack.

Original poster
owltrousers · 18/09/2017 11:00

Thanks everyone. Some helpful comments.

I think I'm gonna have to send the first text aren't I.

OP posts:
Migraleve · 18/09/2017 11:01

YABU not to communicate. The silent treatment is very childish. If you have a row you sort it and move on, unless you enjoy mind games?

WorraLiberty · 18/09/2017 11:01

Call his mother, are you serious??? Confused

Jeez I've heard it all now.

If my DIL called me to tell me she'd had a petty row over the washing up, I'd assume she'd lost the plot completely.

lawnofdelray · 18/09/2017 11:03

Your MIL will make you the talk of the family

Original poster
owltrousers · 18/09/2017 11:03

@Migraleve but DH is being just as unreasonable here by that token, surely?

Yeah I would never ever want to get him mum involved...

OP posts:
carrie74 · 18/09/2017 11:05

My first thought was that this isn't about washing up. Talk to your DP, and get to the bottom of it. You're both culpable, one of you has to start a dialogue. And if it honestly was just about washing up, then I'm afraid you're going to rein in the micro-managing when a baby comes along.

Norland · 18/09/2017 11:05

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

For a fuller answer, please post in Relationships instead of attention seeking in AIBU.

HTH

Frillyhorseyknickers · 18/09/2017 11:06

I think I'm gonna have to send the first text aren't I.

You're about to have a child together and you're splitting hairs over who apologies first over a frankly ridiculous argument. How old are you?

BackieJerkhart · 18/09/2017 11:06

If I had been either person in this scenario I think I'd probably have put my hand in the puddle and wiped it on the other person's face to lighten the mood and b) basically say "there's what I think of you telling me how to wash dishes/passive aggressively ignoring my request." Grin

BlackeyedSusan · 18/09/2017 11:07

leavinv a pool of water on the side is not good for the worksurfaces, get it in the joints and they swell. Would not want to be landed with the bill for that from the deposit.

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2017 11:07

Loving While I agree the bloke didn't need to snap "oh shut up", it's clear from the OP's own admission that she micro manages and is a pain for liking things a certain way, so he may well have snapped having put up with a lot of this sort of thing. It isn't OK to then start telling him to "fuck off" and just excuse that by saying "oh she's pregnant". Being pregnant is not a get out of jail free card for all behaviour.

BackieJerkhart · 18/09/2017 11:07

Or you could call his mother!

Why not his father? [hmm

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/09/2017 11:07

🌷

Of course it was perfectly reasonable to ask him to put the dishes on the dishrack and not in a pool of water on the worktop. It's ridiculous that you needed to ask a grown man to do that. It's not at all surprising you made the comment you did when he kept putting them in the pool of water.

Him snapping 'SHUT UP' ... for me it kind of depends whether it was a bit of a frustrated 'Oh for god sake shut up' or an aggressive. SHUT UP. Either way 'fuck off' seems a reasonable response if it was in the same tone.

He should apologise if he said it aggressively, there's no space for that in a relationship, let alone when your wife is pregnant.

However, it mostly just sounds like a normal 'spat' that people living together have. Usually you just end up 'back to normal' because life goes on.

Original poster
owltrousers · 18/09/2017 11:08

Jeez guys, theres no need to be mean...

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 18/09/2017 11:09

I've learnt over the years that the best way to sort a silly argument about something silly, is to try to laugh about it.

Don't think about who was to blame, and who said what and why, just text something like..... "I think we were both a pair of plonkers yesterday, and I'm sorry for my part in that.xx"

Hopefully he'll text back a sorry too. The sooner you learn to resolve these little things the better, especially before DC come along.