Haven't spoken to DH since yesterday morning. AIBU

[owltrousers]

I'm 23 weeks pregnant, me and DH usually get along very well and are very much in love but in the past we have had silly arguments that last days.

Yesterday he was washing up, I was drying. I asked him nicely to put the washing up on the drying rack when I made space, rather than on the surface in a pool of water. He ignored my comment and carried on putting wet washing up straight on the surface so I said ''OK, or just ignore me and carry on" to which he replied ''You're drying it straight up anyway!" to which I said ''Only because you're leaving it in a pool of water''
He then snapped ''OH SHUT UP'' which really pissed me off so I told him to fuck off and carried on drying up (angrily) he then said ''Just stop drying, don't bother!''

I went and sat on the sofa with the dog and started crying a little bit (I'm V hormonal) It was a stupid dumb argument but the way he spoke to me really upset me, it just felt dead disrespectful.

We haven't spoken since. About half an hour after it happened I made him a cup of tea and called up to him but he came down, drank it in the kitchen and ignored me (weeping on the sofa.) We were supposed to be having a lovely lamb roast dinner but by this point I was buggered if I was going to cook him a roast so I just made my own tea and he sulkily cooked himself a frozen pizza.

This morning I didn't even look at him, still left him a cup of tea out on the side even though he didn't even come downstairs to say goodbye when I went to work.

You might wonder why I am being so stubborn, I am literally ALWAYS the peacemaker and I've had enough, I tried making him a cup of tea - that would have been the perfect time for him to apologise, but no. I'm not sure what'll happen from here, AIBU? Sorry - venting over!

thank you @AnnieAnoniMouse

We've had arguments like this, but one of us will crack and apologise. You need to talk to each other and find out what's going on. It's never about the washing up. Usually once we actually talk, it's sorted.

With my boyfriend I need to usually do a fair bit of digging to find out what he's actually thinking. Sometimes he isn't thinking anything, but I've known him long enough to know if he flies off the handle or holds onto something then something else is usually up. He definitely has 'tipping point' where he'll store up various things and then feel like he has to make a stand. If I properly listen to him and don't diminish his feelings it's helpful. I also try to communicate what was bothering me eg if I was trying to make a peace offering and felt rejected. He may have just still felt angry, not actively sulking but not able to calm down (especially without an apology)

your DH was being a DICK OP....

That ^^ does sound a bit manipulative to me, to make someone a cup of tea, call them downstairs, and expect them to drink it in front of that person while they're 'weeping on the couch'.

Totally different to the perfectly natural reaction of bursting into tears.

This, absolutely this.

You made him a cup of tea, left it out and then rushed to go cry in another room. You were trying to manipulate him into comforting you.

YABVU.

You guys need communication lessons.

Whatever crap you think is going on now, add a baby and the crazy months of sleeplessness into that and you won't survive unless you put in the work now, and have agreed ways of communication and agreed division of labour.

You need counselling ASAP.

Don't worry about cursing. At least you were talking. No talking means death to a marriage.

Your marriage is almost over. Yes, I do mean to scare you OP... a new baby will kill it stone dead if you don't work on how you communicate and learn to be at least effing kind to each other.

Try using non blaming sentences: "when you leave the dishes in the water it makes my job harder to dry them, and I feel annoyed you do t value my time and effort".
"When you tell me to shut up I feel like you don't respect my viewpoint, or even want to listen to me."

You need some new skills - invest in yourselves, and baby proof your marriage.

You both need to grow up a bit, you can't go days without talking, bearing a grudge and creating tense atmospheres when you have children.
Lord knows what you'll be like when you have a child to sort out too and the stress this will put on your relationship at times.

It is good that you are working on the controlling/micro management thing but even when done politely it can still really piss a person off. My SIL is always doing it in what she thinks is a gentle friendly way with just a touch of humour but it still fucks me off. I'm a grown up and don't need gently reminding that it's a nice restaurant and therefore the kids probably shouldn't wear jeans or when you invite us for dinner don't put "p.s. no puppies please." I've never brought the fucking puppy your house and am well aware that a dinner invitation doesn't include the fucking dog. Yup, see? controlling behaviour over non issues really does cause the rage!!

Have you got room for a dishwasher?!

YABU

You tried to micromanage him doing the washing up, he ignored you so you threw in a PA dig at him which he snapped at and then you swore at him. Then you went off crying (because you felt he was "disrespectful" yet you were the one criticising and swearing) and he went upstairs but you later made a point to call him back for a cup of tea to ensure he noted that you were still "weeping on the sofa" and are put out that he didn't get drawn back into your emotional manipulation by ignoring you.

You caused the entire argument so it's on you to be the one to apologise and hopefully during said apology your DH will also acknowledge that he could have behaved better too.

but DH is being just as unreasonable here by that token, surely?

Indeed. Of course he is.

What is the actual point in the relationship if you can't even talk to each other

In my experience, all couples who are close argue. It's how you resolve those conflicts that really matters. It sounds as though very minor occurrences are causing days of sulking and estrangement between you, when it would be healthier for you both if they were cleared up more quickly and with more listening on both sides. Why does this happen in your individual cases, and what can you do to put it right? (Behind that second question is a third: are you prepared to do the work to put it right?)

@GinnyWreckin

*You need counselling ASAP.

Your marriage is almost over.*

Are you serious? this is a little bit ridiculous.

Thanks for everyones help - over and out from me!

Bin Ever thought of reading a full thread. OP had already answered your question.

I know I can be a bit of a pain in liking things done a certain way / micromanaging but its honestly something I'm working V hard on and DH knows this I'm not hard work, we get on very well most of the time, last time we argued was probably about 3 months ago

I was more pissed off that he can sulk for this long over something this trivial than just give in for once and approach me - rather than the other way round, as it ALWAYS is

Do you think he is sulking for so long because by your own admission, you like to micro manage to get things done your way and this clearly isn't the first time?

You need accept that anything outside of what you consider the right way is also ok and that you are not the only right person.

My ex started off like this with the beginning of emotional abuse that ended up in an awful awful situation.

I used to dry up after washing up, he used to tell me to let it drip dry as that's what he was raised with. It felt weird but I left it. After a week, it started with the whole "the plates need to go here on the drainer, knives and forks are kept separate, cups go this way round to then him saying it's ok, I'll do the washing up alone to me being yelled at for being lazy and not doing the dishes.

Don't become that person and blame it on your "quirky" way of looking things done just so.

@owltrousers, I am serious, very serious indeed.

You and your DH are heading over a cliff, eyes wide shut, fingers in ears humming la la la. You won't make it, not if you keep going on the way you're going on.

Get some communication skills and learn how to be kind to each other. Lay some ground rules. Learn how to listen without judgement and to talk and express yourselves without playing blame games.

There is something wrong in your relationship. Your DH is showing signs of repressed aggression about something, you are acting like a PA princess. Neither of you seems to give a shit about finding the truth or being kind to each other. This is a recipe for disaster.

Best of luck with the new baby. S/he'll teach you more than you can even imagine, but a few new communication skills before s/he arrives might enable you to learn together.

I also notice the fact that she is ALWAYS the peace keeper and the one who is coming to see him to make amend. Why is that??

Because from previous comments on here, she, by her own admission, is the one who likes things done a certain way and likes to micro manage.

I'd sulk if I was micro managed like that over every single thing. In fact, I was micro managed in my previous relationship that it came under emotional abuse.

But I completely understand that accusations of abuse are strictly reserved for males on here.

worra

Really no if my pregnant dil needed a bit of help/advice, and they both did, then I would give it my best shot. Why would you think they had 'lost the plot?' How horrible.

Mind you I don't think your kids are grown up are they or married so you are guessing your reaction.

In lots of relationships rows are petty as that's life.

Op send the text and ignore the nasty comments. of course pregnancy isn't a 'get out of jail card' but neither is it a badge of bloody honour to carry on as a trooper.

I bet your arse some of the posters here have hissy fits in RL.

But why didn't he do the sensible thing with the drainer when she asked?

It's not micro managing, it's a reasonable request to someone who regards it as "being told what to do", even though he probably realised she had a point.

Loving Oddly enough, my ex and I were together 11 years and we never had one row, argument or hissy fit. Even though we grew apart and ended up splitting there was never one cross word. Maybe that was the problem?

Ginny

Are you this funny and pearl clutching in RL?

They had a row over washing up and both sulking. But they are heading over a cliff and won't make it??

Insane

That old cliche 'never go to sleep on an argument' is actually really useful. In a case like this it doesn't really matter who's at fault and if things need talking about (eg 'I'm always the one who makes the first move') it's better to bring it up later when you're not both annoyed.

this is especially true when babies come into the mix!

Just try and remember in the future when your soontobebaby is older, not to use your child as a PA conduit for conversations, because it fucks them up. You know, when mummy and daddy are sulking with each other and ask you to relay messages to the other adult in the room? That shit. If you often have squabbles and sulking and crying between you, counselling is a good suggestion.

A logical solution to a minor problem. No, that sounds like you got the point.

shatners

Maybe so. We have been married 30 years and have 4 grown up kids.

I love him warts and all but to say we never row over petty things would be a lie and to tell people that petty rows are the death knell of a marriage is clearly as nutty as a fruit cake.