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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Haven't spoken to DH since yesterday morning. AIBU

133 replies

owltrousers · 18/09/2017 10:27

I'm 23 weeks pregnant, me and DH usually get along very well and are very much in love but in the past we have had silly arguments that last days.

Yesterday he was washing up, I was drying. I asked him nicely to put the washing up on the drying rack when I made space, rather than on the surface in a pool of water. He ignored my comment and carried on putting wet washing up straight on the surface so I said ''OK, or just ignore me and carry on" to which he replied ''You're drying it straight up anyway!" to which I said ''Only because you're leaving it in a pool of water''
He then snapped ''OH SHUT UP'' which really pissed me off so I told him to fuck off and carried on drying up (angrily) he then said ''Just stop drying, don't bother!''

I went and sat on the sofa with the dog and started crying a little bit (I'm V hormonal) It was a stupid dumb argument but the way he spoke to me really upset me, it just felt dead disrespectful.

We haven't spoken since. About half an hour after it happened I made him a cup of tea and called up to him but he came down, drank it in the kitchen and ignored me (weeping on the sofa.) We were supposed to be having a lovely lamb roast dinner but by this point I was buggered if I was going to cook him a roast so I just made my own tea and he sulkily cooked himself a frozen pizza.

This morning I didn't even look at him, still left him a cup of tea out on the side even though he didn't even come downstairs to say goodbye when I went to work.

You might wonder why I am being so stubborn, I am literally ALWAYS the peacemaker and I've had enough, I tried making him a cup of tea - that would have been the perfect time for him to apologise, but no. I'm not sure what'll happen from here, AIBU? Sorry - venting over!

OP posts:

crazycatlady5 · 18/09/2017 11:54

My husband and I are both quite similar in that we RARELY argue and when we do it's ridiculous things like this. It doesn't usually take us so long to move on, maybe an hour or so of space, then we'll soppily apologise to each other. I think sometimes folks who don't argue have a bit of an outlet every now and then, I don't think you're being unreasonable. If, however, whenever you argue he NEVER does his fair share of apologising then you need to discuss that x

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2017 12:00

Loving I don't think petty rows themselves are necessarily the death knell of a marriage but I think it depends hugely on the outcome of the rows and how people behave around them. I would find a partner micro managing and expecting things to be done in certain ways both frustrating, annoying and unnecessary and that could easily chip away at someone. And I absolutely would not be happy having my partner telling me to fuck off. If you then compound that with what could be seen as manipulative crying or both parties refusing to speak to each other rather than just saying "we're both silly buggers" and sorting it out... it's not a huge stretch to then say that if that's normal in your house now, adding a baby into that mix could absolutely be the grenade that makes things ten times worse and kill the marriage.

Redpony1 · 18/09/2017 12:01

You need counselling ASAP.
Your marriage is almost over

That's absolutely hilarious!!!

Lovingmybear2 · 18/09/2017 12:04

Both of us are very prone to micro managing things.

None of this matters if you bring humility and a sense of humour to a relationship.

In my view the death knell of a relationship is a lack of humour, sense of proportion and anyone taking themselves too seriously.

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2017 12:06

Loving Indeed. I am not sensing much humility or sense of humour from the now departed OP or her bloke though.

Amanduh · 18/09/2017 12:09

I'd say this whole thing is ridiculously overdramatic. You had an argument. You shouldnt micromanage, he shouldn't tell you to shut up, you shouldn't tell him to fuck off. You didnt need to cry (i get it, hormones) and he's being childish. Just text him and apologise and both get over it. If you've managed to make this into a major fall out you'll have many more when that baby arrives!

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/09/2017 12:27

I agree with positivereinforcement that DH was a dick to ignore a sensible request - that's not really micromanaging.

I also think Ginny has a point - it sounds overblown but actually communicating properly is so so crucial, it sounds like DH has some issues that he's not talking about - why on earth would he be so unnecessarily aggressive otherwise - and OP wants to be treated differently but isn't able to ask in a mature and open manner, hence the cup of tea and cry for attention 'weeping'.

AngelsSins · 18/09/2017 12:29

I think you're being given a very hard time on here OP, but some women fall over themselves to make excuses for men whilst coming down extra hard on women. Crying is manipulative is it? Sulking for days though (if you're a man) seems to be fine. Utter horse shit.

OP, you're pregnant with your first child, hormonal and your body is going through a lot, the very, very least we should expect from our partners in this situation, you know, the person who is meant to love you, is a little understanding and support. Whilst him snapping may be understandable, sulking for days afterwards is not.

If I were you I wouldn't back down, on account of you always being the one to apologise, but I can be pretty stubborn! In my opinion though it's a lesson he needs to learn, that you won't always be the one to fix things, and that he needs to step up sometimes.

As for your marriage being in danger, total over reaction, you've already said your relationship is not normally like this.

redemptionsongs · 18/09/2017 12:30

you need a clearer division of labour - why were you hovering and doing the drying up as he was washing and drying? If he'd slopped water all over the floor by the time he'd finished, surely he'd have cleaned that up? Or you could've pointed that out!

You will have to let go a bit with dc - i can't make a cake without flour, sugar, batter going everywhere and snapping at them doesn't work out so well.

redemptionsongs · 18/09/2017 12:32

yeah, crying/sulking/shouting/slamming doors/making passive-aggressive digs/outright saying hurtful things - yes of course it's a response to feelings and an attempt to get resolution - it's human nature. I can't see one way of doing it is better than any others...

Of course we're all supposed to sit down in a calm manner and talk in neutral, therapy room terms about the forward path solution :)

notafish · 18/09/2017 12:36

It sounds petty. I agree there is good reason not to put wet dishes directly onto the worktop - especially as you are in a rental and will be liable for any damage done to the worktop. It would have been more mature to point this out to your DH and if he continued, so be it, it's on his head if that happens.

I've had petty arguments with my DH when we're stressed and seem to remember an apology beginning with 'sorry about the onions' No-one is perfect. I think telling someone to shut-up is equally as disrespectful as telling someone to fuck off. Apologise for swearing at him, explain why you don't want wet dishes on the worktop and open up a discussion about how to better communicate in the future so no-one uses disrespectful language and no-one sulks for days.

melj1213 · 18/09/2017 12:51

I disagree because the OP caused this entire "argument" - she has acknowledged that she has an issue with micromanagement and she was trying to manage her DH's washing up (and even if done "nicely" having someone nitpick and being PA when you're doing something can be really fucking irritating) - and therefore, in this situation, the onus is on her to initiate the apology.

Perhaps her DH refuses to "back down" and apologise when he was the one who was being micromanaged and the one who was sworn at. Maybe he's trying to teach the OP that she can't micromanage, be PA, swear, run off crying and then go out of her way to make a point of drawing his attention to her "weeping on the sofa" half an hour later and expect him to be the one apologising. Maybe he's trying to teach OP that she can't always have everything her own way and she has to acknowledge that she needs to step up and accept her behaviour has consequences too.

Lovingmybear2 · 18/09/2017 12:56

But shatzers it's completely normal to argue, sulk and be angry with each other unless you are saints or are so detached for each other that you don't care enough to bother.

It's a petty row! The op knows that as she's posted for help. They are probably both stressed about being parents for the first time.

It's life. Op may as well text him as she swore first and I am sure he will be just as eager to make up and move on.

All this talk of councilling and the marriage is doomed is obviously completely bat shit crazy or posted by someone who has absolutely no experience of real life relationships

diddl · 18/09/2017 12:59

"Of course it was perfectly reasonable to ask him to put the dishes on the dishrack and not in a pool of water on the worktop."

I agree.

Who was going to mop up the worktop?

I'm guessing Op as she was drying!

That said, you rose to it pretty quickly & he escalated.

What surprises me is that you both didn't just look at easch & laugh.

Don't text.

Apologise in person for swearing & let him cook the evening meal as a peace offering.

Lovingmybear2 · 18/09/2017 13:12

I think though sometimes texting helps break the ice of an apology and often we have texted and made up in the text so when next together a big hug suffices instead of a long tedious discussion.

Soonest mended.

Hope you are ok op.

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2017 13:20

Loving I think it's perfectly possible for grown adults to disagree and even have a petty row without sulking and giving each other the silent treatment for hours or days on end like two 13-year olds. I could understand a "fuck off" if the row turned into a lengthy heated serious argument but this petty row had lasted about five seconds.

AngelsSins · 18/09/2017 13:26

Mel, I disagree that she was entirely to blame. If men's egos are so fragile that they can't be asked to put washing up on the rack, then they really need to have a word with themselves. Are you seriously telling me you NEVER ask your partner, or anyone else to do small things like that?

Even if she was wrong though, and micromanaging, she's pregnant!! Surely he can swallow his ego this one time and apologise first? Me and my partner don't often argue, but he's apologised first sometimes when we've argued, when I know I've been the one at fault. And likewise, I've also been the first to apologise when he's been at fault. Why? Because neither of us are perfect, we love each other and just want to sort things out. It's the adult thing to do. However, when one person is always the one doing the apologising, or making the first move, that's not healthy.

maras2 · 18/09/2017 13:29

You very seldom argue.?
Had last row about 3 weeks ago?
I don't think we've argued in the last 3 years.
Perhaps it's because I don't 'help' with the washing up.
Anyway I hope that you make up soon but tell him that no one likes a mardy arse sulker anymore than they like a PA crier.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and best wishes for the future. for you and DH.
for baby.

NikiBabe · 18/09/2017 13:33

As long as the washing up was done and the surface dried after did it matter how it was done.

You goaded him over and over about the rack and then snapped at him and told him to fuck off.

Christ. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have someone constantly getting at you to do something your way when there is nothing wrong with how he was doing it. Counter tops are designed to get wet. As long as it was dried up after did it matter?

Ceto · 18/09/2017 13:53

Anyone else slightly bemused at the assumption that we are all ruled by hormones at 23 weeks? Many, many pregnant women are holding down responsible jobs at that stage, and it really wouldn't be well received if we were all regularly weeping over colleagues, clients, patients, pupils, students etc. It's the sort of assumption that keeps pregnant women out of consideration for promotions, big projects etc and does none of us any favours.

RideOn · 18/09/2017 13:54

I think putting dishes in the pool of water is not that bad.

He did decide to do it, they didnt fall. So by you saying dont put them there, put them here - however nicely - it is annoying/a criticism.

When I go married I made the concious decision (after a couple of pointless arguments like this - although tbh your sulking/not talking/crying seems extreme) to leave the thing that annoys me for a week or so, if it is still annoying /important/cant work around I will sit him down and tell him, but vast majority of times it isnt and I can live with it. He hardly ever finds things I do as annoying as the other way round, but if he does I make extra effort not to do them. We never argue about the like now.

I'd never tell anyone the above "advice" in real life, but I really hate arguing and could see I was starting it by "picking" at him.

Don't ring his mum!!

Original poster

owltrousers · 18/09/2017 13:56

@maras2 - 3 months ago, not weeks :)

Thanks everyone for the help. I text him 'sorry for the silly argument' and got this back

"Sigh 😔 me too. I'm sorry I told you to shut up. You were just so sassy and (I thought) condescending about the washing up which I was only doing so I could have cake and a cup of tea. I think I hate the thought of being henpecked. It's like my worst fear. But I shouldn't have said to shut up like that, it was horrible of me."

I think we'll be ok.

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 18/09/2017 14:00

I think I hate the thought of being henpecked. It's like my worst fear.

Ooh poor baby. Frightened of being henpecked. I am sure you will be ok. As this is part of the training to stop you ever nagging him. Well done him yay.

PoorYorick · 18/09/2017 14:02

I'm guilty of being a sulker. I know it's obnoxious and I'm working on it. But it's how I'd respond to someone passive aggressively crying at me rather than just having a talk about what just happened.

PoorYorick · 18/09/2017 14:11

Cross post. Glad it's sorted.

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