Haven't spoken to DH since yesterday morning. AIBU

[owltrousers]

I'm 23 weeks pregnant, me and DH usually get along very well and are very much in love but in the past we have had silly arguments that last days.

Yesterday he was washing up, I was drying. I asked him nicely to put the washing up on the drying rack when I made space, rather than on the surface in a pool of water. He ignored my comment and carried on putting wet washing up straight on the surface so I said ''OK, or just ignore me and carry on" to which he replied ''You're drying it straight up anyway!" to which I said ''Only because you're leaving it in a pool of water''
He then snapped ''OH SHUT UP'' which really pissed me off so I told him to fuck off and carried on drying up (angrily) he then said ''Just stop drying, don't bother!''

I went and sat on the sofa with the dog and started crying a little bit (I'm V hormonal) It was a stupid dumb argument but the way he spoke to me really upset me, it just felt dead disrespectful.

We haven't spoken since. About half an hour after it happened I made him a cup of tea and called up to him but he came down, drank it in the kitchen and ignored me (weeping on the sofa.) We were supposed to be having a lovely lamb roast dinner but by this point I was buggered if I was going to cook him a roast so I just made my own tea and he sulkily cooked himself a frozen pizza.

This morning I didn't even look at him, still left him a cup of tea out on the side even though he didn't even come downstairs to say goodbye when I went to work.

You might wonder why I am being so stubborn, I am literally ALWAYS the peacemaker and I've had enough, I tried making him a cup of tea - that would have been the perfect time for him to apologise, but no. I'm not sure what'll happen from here, AIBU? Sorry - venting over!

Ooh poor baby. Frightened of being henpecked. I am sure you will be ok. As this is part of the training to stop you ever nagging him. Well done him yay.

Wtf?

She goaded him repeatedly about washing up ffs.

His text sounds as if she does this alot.

She needs the pick her battles and not cause 2 day rages when there was nothing wrong with what he was doing.

Imagine if the man goaded the woman about not washing up properly and told her to fuck off.

Imagine if the man goaded the woman about not washing up properly and told her to fuck off.

She didn't goad anyone, she very sensibly told him to put the wet crockery on the rack, to drain and he told her to shut up. He is soooo scared of being henpecked [poor baby] that he cannot even do the sensible thing just in case he gets henpecked [poor baby].

Good that you've both apologised and he has explained what it is that irritated him so much so you now know how much it riles him.

Agree with others that being pregnant does not give you a free card to be irrational and sob all day.

OP actually said 'on the surface' - that could have been the draining board, or, most likely a melamine type wipeable surface which all sensible people put in the kitchen, because they are likely to get wet at some point. Dripping water on them is not going to damage them, however much more sensible it would be to put them on a drainer.

You are about to have a child together. This is going to bring more stresses than this petty little spat. You both need to work on letting the little things go (and there will be LOADS of little things coming up very soon, when you'll not only be hormonal but knackered too) and being a bit kinder to each other.

You do get a bit of slack, you're pregnant and hormonal. It's tough, I was quite ragey and tearful when I was pregnant, quite out of character. I had to learn sometimes to say to OH 'look I'm just feeling a bit irritable, I'm not trying to be a dick but could you leave me alone for a bit' when I felt it it coming on or if he was annoying me but I knew I was being a bit unreasonable if it was over something silly.

I'd send him a message, tell him he upset you and that you're hurt that he hasn't acknowledged that. Say you're very sorry for being swearing and being rude but that he needs to stop being childish and sulking, and that you expect him to have snapped out of it, please, by the time he gets home tonight. You were both wrong, if he comes home in a normal mood after that, let it go.

FFS Alternative

Ah, just saw the update. Glad it's sorted. Have a chat later on about how you can avoid this sort of thing in future. Everyone disagrees sometimes, it's completely normal but it's how you communicate and deal with it bags important - especially when you become parents and really need to be on the same page as much as you can be.

I agree with Alternatives comments. Henpecked? Really? His 'apology' is him setting out that she'll be one of 'those wives' if she ever dares make any demands on him in the future. The OP asked him to do something that in her eyes was sensible. Is that never allowed? What does he mean he was only doing the dishes to get cake and a cup of tea? Does he never normally wash up?

I think lots of people are being really very hard on OwlTrousers.

Owl: you're pregnant. Being irrational and nitpicking and PA and stormy and tearful are expected if my two pregnancies are anything to go by. Jeez I was a raging psycho with both of mine. My hubby often stared at me in horror with a look of total shock on his face, like who are you and what have you done with my wife! He kept asking "what the hell is wrong with you!?!?!?" And I'd yell "I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!"... While sobbing usually.
God I got thrown out of a cinema (by the police) once for going absolutely ballistic at someone who laughed/talked through the first 20 mins of a film when I was 4 months pregnant. Instead of just shushing them. Yep. The police came and escorted me off the premesis.

Now I know that being pregnant isn't an excuse for everything but in my experience you literally have very little control over your temper. It was almost impossible for me to be calm and rational or talk myself down. Some pregnant women are like this unfortunately and I was definitely one. Not nice for the husband but then when you consider what pregnant women go through, how utterly crap you feel day in day out, add into the mix hormones that literally make some women go a bit insane then I think men can just be extra helpful round the house and tread carefully to be honest. Suck it up fellas because whatever crap she gives you is nothing compared to what she's going through/will go through to bring your child into the world.

Men couldn't do pregnancy and birth. Hell no way. They honestly don't know the half of it so they can just suck it up I'm afraid.

Once the baby is born you will both have to be kind to each other though. Really really forgiving, because you'll both be exhausted and emotional. He'll get a bit of an idea how you feel then.

Saying your marriage is over is totally daft. You will be tested one you won't believe though and coping with pregnancy hormones is just the start of it. Be kind to yourself Owl.

Your husband doesn't have to put up with utter crap but asking him to do a better job of drying the dishes isn't too rough. Poor diddums!!! There is no room for sulking when a baby comes. He'll have to man up soon for sure. But you will also have to let a lot go with the state of the house and stuff like that. Hard to do if you're a bit OCD like me but you've go to just breath and let it go. Yep you'll both have to be very forgiving of each other soon. Your sense of humour will be none existent when you're shattered and hormonal. Make a vow to each other now that you'll not hold grudges once baby comes.

You'll do it though. Xx

Oh my so if he hadn't wanted cake & tea he wouldn't have been washing up? Have I read that correctly?

"Henpecked" is such a great word for him to use. What's the equivalent for men?

Can't bear sulky immature men who use that type of sexist language. Good luck when the baby arrives, I think you're going to need it.

Jeez. This thread! Glad you've made up with him. Avoid AIBU next time you have a tiff. Otherwise your marriage will surely go careering over that cliff Thelma And Louise stylee

That ^^ does sound a bit manipulative to me, to make someone a cup of tea, call them downstairs, and expect them to drink it in front of that person while they're 'weeping on the couch'.

And his 'hen-pecked' comment. Both awful passive aggressive nonsense. You need to work on your communication now that a baby is on the way.

What I suggest is:

Having a calm conversation about what things aren't working for you both and what could work. So you say, "I feel that I am always the peacemaker and always apologise and I'd really like you to try having that role sometimes". In this house I told DH that if he used the word 'nag' he should expect an argument because I think it's misogynist silencing language. I'd put 'hen-pecked' in that category. But totally happy to hear, "I'm feeling a bit micro-managed". Tell the other person what you would prefer, not what they are doing wrong.

Use I statements not you statements.

If you do something shitty, admit and apologise immediately. Don't wait for them. You can just apologise for the 'fuck off' without admitting fault anywhere else. It then opens the door for him. Imagine having immediately said, "sorry I said 'fuck off' that wasn't OK". I think he might have said sorry for the "shut up" and there would have been no sulking.

We use the phrase, "the story I'm telling myself..." as in 'the story I'm telling myself is that you think I can't wash up". Gives the other person the space to say, "oh it's not that love. I'm just being weird about water on the counter, can you humour me". Stops things getting hot. Of course discuss it first or you sound weird.

She didn't goad anyone, she very sensibly told him to put the wet crockery on the rack, to drain and he told her to shut up.

Actually if you read the OP, he didn't tell her to shut up until she had thrown in a PA comment at him and started a stupid argument ... which is goady and unnecessary behaviour.

She is getting all this slack from posters because she is pregnant yet the OP has also admitted she has a habit of micromanaging her DH and therefore this is probably not the first time he has had to endure this behaviour ... perhaps he should be getting some slack for not raising to her bait or snapping at her despite her trying to micromanage a simple task because he wasn't doing it her way (and doing it differently =/= doing it wrong)

Perhaps he put in the point about being henpecked because of the OP's tendancy to micromanage - he doesn't want to get to the point where every little thing he does has to be done a specific way to fit the OP's specifications or it causes a huge issue. As long as the washing up, does it really matter how it is stacked for drying? The word choice wasn't the best but I can understand why he might feel that way when the OP is causing a huge issue, crying for hours on the sofa over the washing up.

My mother insists everything is done her way, if you do it any other way or follow any other directions, it is wrong, regardless of whether the outcome is the same or better. It can be as small as stacking the dishwasher "wrong" or doing the washing to a different schedule to her but everything has a specific way to be done and if you don't follow those instructions to the letter then you will be shouted at or given the silent treatment. Because of this nobody ever volunteers to help because whatever you do, it's wrong and you just get yelled at ... but then we all get yelled at for not helping either. She cannot accept that it is her attitude to anyone doing things differently is why nobody will help her and not because we are all ungrateful and lazy.

Oh my so if he hadn't wanted cake & tea he wouldn't have been washing up? Have I read that correctly?

Botanic I read that as meaning "I just wanted to get the chore part of the evening over and done with so I could get on with the relaxing/tea and cake part of the evening" rather than "the only reason I was doing it was for reward"

Yeah he is not doing himself any favors with the hen-pecked comment. Definitely speak to him about using micro-managed as less loaded term.

Wow op just think you both apologised and were both truthful with each other and sgreeed you were both silly without counselling or splitting up.

You know like most normal couples in RL.

It was a childish argument that no-one comes out of well

I'm sure most of us have had them. Just let it go. You have bigger and better things to worry about.

Actually I think OPs first reaction was extremely passive aggressive. His shut up was out of order, topped off by her fuck off and a really PA cup of tea and sobbing on the sofa. So far, only one of them has apologised for saying something offensive and it's not OP.

I agree with him in that, if you are drying it straight away, it doesn't really matter how it's stacked.

It does make a difference though - large pool of water all over the worktop plus the plates will each have a small pool of water that will quickly soak the teacloth, both creating extra work.

Well you certainly won't be making suggestions about how to make housework easier for him/you in future, will you.

Mission accomplished, DH.

Scottishdiem is right. Crying can be manipulative. It smacks of "I can do or say what I like but you mustn't react or retaliate as I'll be upset. Look at poor little me - I'm crying and you're being horrible." But of course, if you're pre-menstrual, menstrual, post-menstrual, pre or post menopausal or pregnant then that's ok because ...... hormones.

Agrees with SonicBoomBoom.

Sonic but maybe the H doesn't want suggestions on how he does the housework.

My Dh doesn't do things in the house how I would correctly do them, but it's not up to me to tell him. As long as the job is done, it's none of my business how he accomplishes it.

I think there are situations where either husband or wife are justified in asking the other person to do something a different way if the way they do it creates more work for the other person.

Examples from my household include DH asking me to stack bowls his way in the dishwasher so they are adequately cleaned. He does the manual washing up so ends up having to wash bowls by hand with cereal caked on them. It's fair for him to make that request. If he hangs washing out, I ask him to peg it my way else my clothes get ruined and I have to buy more clothes. Other things don't matter.

Perhaps the OP's DH would have wiped up the pooled water from the worktop and the OP ought to have left him to do it his way. Although it still seems odd that he wouldn't use the drainer as that is what they are designed for.

It does sound like you were unneccesarily critical of him washing up. We all hate that, especially men! At least he was helping. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. Lucky lady!

Glad it is sorted but henpecked is really sexist. He had my full sympathy til then but has lost some now