To be pissed off with OH & webcams

[GirlOnATrainToShite]

Am not asking to open a debate about the rights and wrongs.

I don't have an issue with him watching porn.

Found out tonight he's been watching live webcams - where you can chat with the girl.

AIBU considering I don't mind about porn.

I feel furious.

*Does it really genuinely not bother you that when you watch porn you might be watching a woman being forced to do things against her will?

I know women who have been threatened with having their children killed if they don't comply.

But hey, doesn't matter as long as you get your rocks off right!!*

Hysterical nonsense. If we in the West didn't want to take part in any exploitation then we wouldn't be able to leave the house in the morning.

It's not hysterical. This is my actual job

First up

You have no way of knowing if he paid for the webcam or not. Sadly porn does seem to become a bigger 'thing' in ppl's lives over time. Are you concerned he may go further (e.g. Prostitution)?

YANBU to be upset by this. You set a boundary and he crossed it. There's not much else to it really.

How you respond is your choice. What's your feeling on that?

How did you find out? Did he tell you? As he's away a lot, you've no way of knowing if he'll continue. He could say he wouldn't do it again, but he would - apparently it's quite addictive.

Fwiw I'm with Yodelling in respect of my concerns on porn involving trafficked women.

It's not something we can ignore because it suits us. Maybe it needs to be better regulated idk, but saying it's ok as we exploit lots of people is a very odd logic Eamonn.

You might not like it but it is a concern to some. Just because you're able to/it suits your needs to dismiss it does not make others 'hysterical' for considering them.

So it's "hysterical" to be concerned about the lives of exploited, coerced and trafficked women. Wow.

op how awful for you - I dont know how you would get back from something like this - it feels like cheating.

Sorry to hear that you are in this situation.

Porn is addictive and use of it tends to escalate. This is presumably what is going on with your partner. And I think it is why there are a lot of posters saying that they don't understand why you are OK with some types of porn but not others. All porn is porn and it is all part of the same thing. The porn industry knows this and they know that a lot of men will escalate their use in terms of the frequency and hardcoreness of the porn they wank to and that there will become a point where they will be willing to pay for it and watch acts that they previously wouldn't.

I'm of the opinion that porn is harmful. It harms the women in it, it harms women as a class in a society which is sexist enough without our boys and men consuming and jacking off to women being sexually objectified and more often than not, abused. I also think it harms men (death grip, messing up their attitudes to and relationships with girls and women).

Unfortunately your own relationship is proof of that. IMO, your problem is not "webcam porn" it's porn full stop.

Either you and your partner see his porn use as a problem or you don't. I'm sorry to say this but I don't think you have a hope in hell of getting him to only use certain kinds of porn. I can see why webcam stuff bothers you but I agree with the poster upthread who said that in a way webcam stuff is less physically punishing for the women doing it than porn that involves her having men penetrate her / come on her. I hope you will have a think about that (and not so that you begin to find webcam stuff OK).

There are men who don't consume porn because they have thought about it with their brains rather than their dicks and they can see that it is a nasty and harmful industry which is full of sexism, racism, abuse and exploitation. Personally I couldn't be with the other sort of man. I wish you luck but I don't think you will get anywhere unless you and your partner manage to admit to yourselves that porn is porn is porn.

So it's "hysterical" to be concerned about the lives of exploited, coerced and trafficked women. Wow.

Yup. People do not give two shits.

It doesn't matter what I think of where your 'line in the sand' is drawn. The point is, every relationship has it's on line, and it sounds like he crossed it.
Does he acknowledge it? Is he contrite? Will he continue? What will you do if he does?
Those are the questions that matter, and none of us can answer that for you.

Just so long as men have something to wank to. That's the most important thing.

I'd hazard a guess that there's more trafficked humans working in textiles, farming, factories, hospitality, domestic, construction etc world wide than porn but yer know...we're all supporting that. Oops.

It's very comfortable to scream 'rape' and 'trafficking' at the sex industries when you aren't directly putting it in your shopping trolley every week. But...

Anyway, op, if you aren't comfortable with it then you don't need anyone agreeing or disagreeing. Your feelings on it are enough. Trust them. But you must communicate this with your husband and work out how to move forward, whatever that may be.

I'd hazard a guess that there's more trafficked humans working in textiles, farming, factories, hospitality, domestic, construction etc world wide than porn but yer know...we're all supporting that. Oops.

Being in the line of work I am I actually try my utmost not to support anything which involves or profits from human trafficking.

But even if I didn't, is the logic really that watching porn is fine because many other things we use are also linked to trafficking?

He has offered to give up porn altogether which is totally unrealistic of him

Why on earth is that unrealistic?

Because I know him.

Your expectations are very low.

No, I'm saying none of this is fine, but time and time again it all comes down to sex. That is what makes you all angry. Not your grapes or bricks, or plastic cups or apple products or mobile phones. We don't see posts 'to be pissed off with oh about nike trainers'.

Also, it would be nigh on impossible to avoid anything come from criminality. You're deluding yourself.

No, I'm saying none of this is fine, but time and time again it all comes down to sex. That is what makes you all angry. Not your grapes or bricks, or plastic cups or apple products or mobile phones. We don't see posts 'to be pissed off with oh about nike trainers'.

All of these things make me angry and I have posted about them frequently under other names, but this is not what OP has posted about.

I think the difference is there though. I try to avoid products that are dodgy ethically - sometimes , in fact quite often, I feel like I dont have the information to make that choice. And yes it makes me angry.

With interactive porn, the woman is right there in front of you. There's no comfy 'well it has an eco fair trade label on it so it's probably ok right?' She's there, looking at you. You are consuming directly.

I think there is a subtle difference between pre recorded porn and direct webcamming - the interaction is more personal and direct.

Not keen on any of it to be honest, but the point here is that OP has specified she's not happy with a certain action and then her OH has done it.

If he works away a lot, can you be sure he's not using prostitutes when away? Because that for me would be a huge deal breaker.

He wouldn't be able to use prostitutes when he is away.

Are you sure? I know some posting destinations you can be sure of but they don't get teleported there and back.

Either way, this (cam girls)would be a deal breaker for me.

It has nothing to do with having low standards it's to do with knowing so one and knowing whether they would be able to stick at something.

He watched porn when I met him I cannot then demand he changes.

We did have an interesting conversation about how he would feel if it was his daughter.

Yes I am totally sure he is on trident.

What will you do if he continues to use live cam?