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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with OH & webcams

144 replies

GirlOnATrainToShite · 17/09/2017 20:54

Am not asking to open a debate about the rights and wrongs.

I don't have an issue with him watching porn.

Found out tonight he's been watching live webcams - where you can chat with the girl.

AIBU considering I don't mind about porn.

I feel furious.

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 18/09/2017 07:26

I also think it's a step up from porn and towards prostitutes. And that sounds like it would be ok to his mind as he'd be paying...

christinarossetti · 18/09/2017 07:33

How has he over stepped the mark in the past? Was that what led to your conversation in May?

Are you generally happy in your relationship with someone who has a heavy porn habit and works away a lot?

Genuine question

LadyintheRadiator · 18/09/2017 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleMinionMummy · 18/09/2017 08:13

You said he didn't pay but then said he has interacted but it can't be both. I wouldn't like interaction, definitely crossing a line for me but just watching would be the same as watching any other porn (imo).

Just be warned some porn sites have pop ups of webcams. Rather annoying really and has no doubt landed many a person in trouble with their partner.

AngelsSins · 18/09/2017 10:11

Amazes me how many of these men normalise it and claim they didn't think it would bother their girlfriends, when if the situation was reversed, they'd be beside themselves, they don't have to really worry about that though. They honestly need a taste of their own medicine. OP, how would he react if he found you were talking to some half naked guy over webcam? Maybe he should find you doing just that....

HerOtherHalf · 18/09/2017 10:19

well the difference to me is pretty clear and in my OP I stated I am not really up for a debate about the rights and wrongs of porn

Why are you putting web cams up for debate then? Your moral compass is yours to calibrate as you see fit. Clearly you have no problem with him using porn but draw the line at web cams. If you will not change your opinion of porn based on the opinion of others on here, why would you care about their opinions of cams?

I'm not being confrontational BTW, just in case it comes across as such. It just seems that your approach is confused. If you don't feel comfortable with him using cams then that is your right.

TheVanguardSix · 18/09/2017 10:25

I can't believe this sort of relationship is your definition of healthy and happy... until the webcam comes into it. Now you've got an issue with his habit?!

Porn is such a Pandora's box of shit. It's all or nothing. You can't be ok with some aspects of it and not ok with others because it all boils down to the same thing (that 'thing' is whatever is getting your goat right now).

You're not that cool with his porn habit or you wouldn't be here.

We've come through porn addiction in my marriage but our sex life is permanently scarred. It really is. I never dealt with it in my previous marriage or other relationships. Porn addiction is so sad. It's so damaging. I still wonder why I stayed in this marriage at times.

Original poster
GirlOnATrainToShite · 18/09/2017 10:26

It was in reply to the "objectifying women as wank fodder" comment.

Pre recorded porn with no interaction is very different to a webcam where you can interact. It's a bit obtuse to say it's not.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 18/09/2017 10:29

Yeah well, what can I say? We have different views, OP.

So? What are you going to do about your situation?

YodellingMama · 18/09/2017 10:37

There's no difference. Both are vile and men who partake of either are complicit in the abuse of women.

Original poster
GirlOnATrainToShite · 18/09/2017 10:38

There's no difference. Both are vile and men who partake of either are complicit in the abuse of women

Fucking hell really? That's an absolutely ridiculous thing to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnATrainToShite · 18/09/2017 10:39

There's no difference. Both are vile and men who partake of either are complicit in the abuse of women

Fucking hell really? That's an absolutely ridiculous thing to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnATrainToShite · 18/09/2017 10:41

You have just labelled 99% of the male population as abusers of women.

OP posts:
YodellingMama · 18/09/2017 10:52

What exactly makes you think that 99% of the male population watches porn?

You do realise that many women in porn have been trafficked, coerced and abused? How do the men watching it differentiate between those in that position and those doing it willingly? Oh that's right - they don't care. That is complicit.

YodellingMama · 18/09/2017 10:52

Also I didn't say abusers. I said complicit.

Isetan · 18/09/2017 10:54

Pre recorded porn with no interaction is very different to a webcam where you can interact. It's a bit obtuse to say it's not.

But he if he won't and isn't paying, so therefore he isn't interacting. You are essentially arguing over semantics because like many of the posters on this thread he doesn't see the distinction between pre recorded and live action (potentially interactive) porn.

I think the real problem is that I think you're just beginning to realise that this is who he is and what he likes and you can't change that.

You turned a blind eye to his use of pre recorded porn in the hope that it would keep him satisfied but it clearly doesn't and he wants more.

You have every right to be pissed off but being pissed off, isn't going to change or stop him. It's time to accept that this is who he is and what he likes and given his response, he doesn't sound like he's stopping or willing to stop.

The balls in your court.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 18/09/2017 10:54

Bleugh it would be a deal breaker for me!

Original poster
GirlOnATrainToShite · 18/09/2017 10:55

Because at over 40 years old I have met, had relationships with and been friends with many men. I can probably think of one who doesn't or hasn't watched porn.

You don't agree with porn - that's fine and that's your right - please don't patronise me though.

It's not illegal and I am not interested in having a debate about it.

OP posts:
YodellingMama · 18/09/2017 10:56

So it doesn't bother you that any of these men you have been with have been quite happy to watch women being raped? You think that's fine?

Goodness me.

Original poster
GirlOnATrainToShite · 18/09/2017 10:58

Who on earth said anything about women being raped?!

OP posts:
YodellingMama · 18/09/2017 10:59

Er. Trafficked and coerced women?

Original poster
GirlOnATrainToShite · 18/09/2017 11:01

I am not the regulator of all porn am I?

Not everyone in porn has been coerced or trafficked - you are being totally ridiculous which is why I said in my OP I don't want a debate about it - it's a totally separate issue.

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 18/09/2017 11:04

Yodelling

Honestly you're getting a bit over excited.
Not every woman in porn has been trafficked or coerced.

Why don't you put that theory towards a few of big names in the industry

Jenna Jameson
Asa Akira
Nina Hartley
Bonnie Rotten
Mia Khalifa

Autumnskiesarelovely · 18/09/2017 11:15

I'm with a lot of posters in that it is unhealthy for relationships for a, usually, man, to watch people being paid to have unloving and unnatural sex (usually to suit male skewed fantasies), and in undeniably an exploitative industry too.

Original poster
GirlOnATrainToShite · 18/09/2017 11:18

He is in the military he is away - a lot.

I don't care if he wants to watch porn when he's not here.

OP posts:
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