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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

120 replies

purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 17:51

I am so shaken right now I don't know what way is up...

We recently moved to a village in a rural location. Most of the kids here seem to be allowed to go to the park etc on their own. I am not there yet with my two, I don't think they are ready. They are 8 and 9. I let them walk to the shop round the corner on their own but not go to the park, which is at the other end of the village and on the edge of a wooded area. It is quite isolated and at this stage I am not comfortable with them going there without an adult yet.

This afternoon we had invited one of my 8 year old's school friends who also lives in the village to play but when she didn't show, my daughter went to knock on her door and got invited in so I assumed she was invited to play. My daughter knew she was not allowed to go to the skate park without an adult but went anyway with the friend (also 8).

When I found out, I was very cross with my daughter and blamed her entirely but wanted to talk to the friend's parents to make them aware in future she isn't allowed to go. The mum got quite cross with me saying:

  • the invite was for the friend to come to us and if I want them to 'mind' her I should ask in advance (I assumed that if they agreed for her to come in their house it was implicit they agreed to mind her)
  • they assumed she was allowed to go as she brought her skates (but they accepted an 8 year old's word for it and didn't check with me?)

They clearly have a different parenting style to me and that's fine but I am feeling strongly criticised for mine here and I didn't criticise them.

I didn't really know what to say and responded that there had obviously been a misunderstanding but that I had assumed if they agreed for her to play, they agreed to mind her. She said I should have checked.

I need to build bridges really as we lift share some days but I am now feeling really uncomfortable!

OP posts:
existentialmoment · 16/09/2017 17:55

I would be quite cross if I were the other mother and you appeared to be blaming me for this (even if you didn't explicitly say so, that is likley how it came across)
Your DD went to their house with her skates, and went to the skate park with her friend. Presumably your DD knows she is not allowed, so lied to the other parents about it. It is not their job to check if your child is lying to them.

I would apologise if i were you.

Gorgosparta · 16/09/2017 17:56

It probably came across as you laying blame on their shoulders.

dumbledore345 · 16/09/2017 17:57

YABU

You should have discussed and agreed the parameters of the visit with the other child's parents in advance.
From what you describe you abandoned your child at the other home with no prior arrangement. YABU therfore to expect the other parents to have changed their usual practice to accomodate your DD.
Sorry!

Pengggwn · 16/09/2017 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadLad · 16/09/2017 18:00

Tell your daughter that if she goes to this friend's house again and the friend goes to the park, then your daughter has to come home.

Then apologise to the other mother for getting stroppy with her because your daughter bullshitted.

Problem solved.

Ameliablue · 16/09/2017 18:00

Did you speak to them about her playing at theirs? Perhaps I'm misunderstanding but it sounds like you invited the friend over but when she didn't turn up your daughter went unaccompanied to theirs, therefore the was no agreement for them to mind her.

WreckTangled · 16/09/2017 18:04

Yabu.

We live in a rural area and the children all play outside together and go to the park. They also go into each other's gardens and houses if it's ok with the parents but no one expects them to 'mind' the children. They're just playing. My dc know they're not allowed past the triangle and they don't go past it. It's your dd who you need to be really cross with and apologise to the mum.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2017 18:04

I also suspect you're being unreasonable here.

The invite was for their child to come to you. She didn't show.
Your daughter went uninvited by the parents to their house.
She went with her skates.

What was she doing taking her skates if she wasn't allowed to the skate park? If she was not formally invited why do you feel they agreed to mind her? Just by letting her in?

Expemsiveuniform · 16/09/2017 18:07

Yabu. Your daughter took her skates and didn't speak up when they went to the park and say she wasn't allowed.

She's 8. Not 3. She knows the rules. I wouldn't necessarily have thought to check with you either.

And you know that most the other kids free roam in the space.

You owe the other mum an apology really.

misshelena · 16/09/2017 18:12

Most of the kids here seem to be allowed to go to the park etc on their own. I am not there yet with my two

YABU you are the outlier, as you noted. It was on you to speak to the other mom -- before hand. She rightly assumed that your parenting style is like everyone else's, especially since you sent your DD unaccompanied.

Saying something like "Just so you know, for next time..." comes across as you blaming her. You really shouldn't have said anything to the other mom, if you had not thought to do it BEFORE sending your DD there.

InfiniteSheldon · 16/09/2017 18:14

Sorry but I also think yabu. Your dd knocked up her friend with her skates and went to the park. Normal behaviour for the time place and age. You have different rules and your dd ignored them/didn't inform the parents/lied. The other mother bears zero responsibility here. Sorry but you've read this situation very wrong. I'd go round with a bottle of wine apologize profusely explain you are new and in your previous home going to the park would have been unthinkable and you had a freak out, were totally on the wrong and you'd really like to start afresh.

Plop5 · 16/09/2017 18:18

We live in a similar area and I have similar aged children.

They have to check in with me before staying at a friends or going anywhere. They either pop back or the parents text/ring. I would be cross if they went off without my knowledge.

Plop5 · 16/09/2017 18:19

Essentially your DD has to behave responsibly and pop home or ask the mum to ring/text you to check

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2017 18:20

She rightly assumed that your parenting style is like everyone else's, especially since you sent your DD unaccompanied

Unaccompanied with her skates.

Subtlecheese · 16/09/2017 18:25

It sounds as though the two children made plans of their own.

JumpingJellybeanz · 16/09/2017 18:31

Sorry but YABU. I've been that other mum and was totally baffled at being held responsible for a child that'd just turned up at my door and had gone off with my DD to do something all the kids in the area did (biking in the woods in this case). Confused

Aquamarine1029 · 16/09/2017 18:32

Your daughter lied to the friend's mum, and she is old enough to know that was wrong. She wanted to go to the skate park with her friend, so she brought her skates and then lied, hoping she would get away with it. I'd nip that in the bud.

Original poster
purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 18:33

She was under instruction to knock and ask if she could play. When I said earlier that the friend was welcome to pop by and play that afternoon, the mum said 'likewise' so I assumed it was ok. The concept a child might wander in and out of other people's houses at the age of 8 with no one taking responsibility for them is completely alien to me. If it is the norm round here then I don't think village life is for me. If a friend called for my daughter and I let them into play, I consider myself in loco parentis and I would never assume someone else parented the same way as me and would always check permission. If I wasn't able to provide that level of supervision, I would say no to the child coming in.
I definitely blame my daughter and not the parents but I am genuinely shocked they didn't think they needed to mind her if they let her in.

OP posts:
Cookingongas · 16/09/2017 18:40

It seems talkie there is a missing part of this story

you invited child A over to your house, she didn't show so your daughter went to knock for her. You're daughter then stayed there and you presumed the parents were looking after her in their home- that is the story on the op in which case yanbu.

EXCEPT the actual story transpires to be
you invited child A over to your house, she didn't show so your daughter went to knock for her WITH HER SKATES. If you knew she's taken her skates then you should have known that she intended to go to the skate park, and your admit you already knew that the other parents allow their child to the skate park unsupervised. If you didn't know she had her skates- then you're daughter has lied to you and conspired to get around your rules.

Sorry op YABU

ALittleMop · 16/09/2017 18:40

YABU I'm afraid

You'll need to apologise

DD is 10 and has some friends allowed to go the park without a grown up and others who are not. I know, and the kids know.

The correct course of action would have been to have words with DD, and, if visiting again (not much chance of this now) to say you don't think she's ready to go to the park alone, do you mind if they don't thanks.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2017 18:42

What did you think she was taking her skates for? You can't have thought she was skating in the house? And I'd have just asked the kid, is your mum ok with this, or I'd have seen the skates and assumed you were. Did you not think to ask her why she was taking her skates? And did you not think your child should have said no I'm not allowed? The fault really is with uou and your daughter.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2017 18:43

And this is nothing to do with village life. Turning up at someone's door with their skates, most folks would think you'd sent them to go to the skate park, irrelevant of where you live.

ALittleMop · 16/09/2017 18:43

Oh actually, I've re-read OP and subsequent post. The other mum thought you were "minding" them, that your DD had come to collect hers. You really have to apologise.

opinionatedfreak · 16/09/2017 18:44

But they did mind her. They let her follow the same rules they apply to their own child.

The issue here is that your rules are different and your child either lied or lied by omission to be allowed to go to the park.

I have no idea whether YABU about not allowing her to go to the park but you are definitely unreasonably annoyed with the other Mother.

Reminds me of the time a child came round to play and I was asked to make sure they took care on the stairs as they didn't have them at home. The children were 8. They went to a two storey school. I discouraged any further play dates while I was in charge as I couldn't deal with the special snowflake expectations.

Mamabear4180 · 16/09/2017 18:46

YABU and it's up to you to let the other parent know.

I know it's none of my business but why do you think 8 and 9 is too young for the park?

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