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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

120 replies

purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 17:51

I am so shaken right now I don't know what way is up...

We recently moved to a village in a rural location. Most of the kids here seem to be allowed to go to the park etc on their own. I am not there yet with my two, I don't think they are ready. They are 8 and 9. I let them walk to the shop round the corner on their own but not go to the park, which is at the other end of the village and on the edge of a wooded area. It is quite isolated and at this stage I am not comfortable with them going there without an adult yet.

This afternoon we had invited one of my 8 year old's school friends who also lives in the village to play but when she didn't show, my daughter went to knock on her door and got invited in so I assumed she was invited to play. My daughter knew she was not allowed to go to the skate park without an adult but went anyway with the friend (also 8).

When I found out, I was very cross with my daughter and blamed her entirely but wanted to talk to the friend's parents to make them aware in future she isn't allowed to go. The mum got quite cross with me saying:

  • the invite was for the friend to come to us and if I want them to 'mind' her I should ask in advance (I assumed that if they agreed for her to come in their house it was implicit they agreed to mind her)
  • they assumed she was allowed to go as she brought her skates (but they accepted an 8 year old's word for it and didn't check with me?)

They clearly have a different parenting style to me and that's fine but I am feeling strongly criticised for mine here and I didn't criticise them.

I didn't really know what to say and responded that there had obviously been a misunderstanding but that I had assumed if they agreed for her to play, they agreed to mind her. She said I should have checked.

I need to build bridges really as we lift share some days but I am now feeling really uncomfortable!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 16/09/2017 18:51

Country folk can be somewhat different and relaxed in their parenting in this regard. I'm much more cautious like you.

Gemini69 · 16/09/2017 18:52

YABU OP...

your daughter was not honest about the rules you have given them... easily explained by her wanting to play with the other kids at the Skate park...

this however is not the 'friends mums problem' ... the conversation should have been with your Child.. not the other Mum x

SavoyCabbage · 16/09/2017 18:54

I can't believe you went round there to make sure the other parents knew that your dd was not allowed to go to the skate park! 😂

You've cocked up in my opinion. By letting your dd go to her friends with her skates and by not checking where she was when she didn't come back from her friends but expecting the other parents to know where your dd was.

existentialmoment · 16/09/2017 18:56

but I am genuinely shocked they didn't think they needed to mind her if they let her in

They need to mind her in the sense of don't let her play with knives/jump out of windows/play 18 games on the Xbox etc. They do not need to mind her in the sense of checking she isn't lying if she says she is allowed to go to the skate park.

everything you did led them to believe that your parenting is similar to theirs. It's not and that is fine, you can parent how you want, but you need to be much clearer about that. You messed up. Understandably, because you aren't clear how it works for them ,but still your mistake.

Expemsiveuniform · 16/09/2017 18:57

Basically if I read it right your DD called for the other girl and then they went to the park? Which the other child is allowed to do. But your DD isn't.

How is this the other parents fault?

diddl · 16/09/2017 19:00

So, your daughter isn't allowed to the skate park without an adult.

And you sent her to the house of a friend who is, with her skates!!

What did you think would happen?Grin

f83mx · 16/09/2017 19:00

You let your child go off to knock on her friends house and then didn't follow up to make sure that she even got there and just assumed she was being looked after and then you complained about 'how' (going to skate park) she was minded... even though you sent her off with her skates? !

Original poster
purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 19:02

She went with her older sister, who reported back the dad had let them in. So I knew where she was. She took her skates because she wanted to go to the skate park but I told her she could only go if an adult went too. Yes she lied and messed up. No that is not the mum's fault. I will apologise for the misunderstanding when I have calmed down but I still don't understand why she didn't send my daughter home if it wasn't convenient and didn't think she was 'minding' my daughter.
I don't think my 8 and 9 year old are mature enough to cope if something went wrong at the park.

OP posts:
DamnFineCherryPie · 16/09/2017 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madrid2017 · 16/09/2017 19:03

If a child knocked for my DC and asked them if they want to go the park, then I would absolutely not expect to be in any way responsible for them!

existentialmoment · 16/09/2017 19:04

but I still don't understand why she didn't send my daughter home if it wasn't convenient and didn't think she was 'minding' my daughter

It was convenient. It was after you complained that she said that, because she meant that you can't expect people to do everything your way if they have just come for a casual play.

diddl · 16/09/2017 19:05

"she didn't send my daughter home if it wasn't convenient and didn't think she was 'minding' my daughter. "

She didn't realise that you expected her to go to the skate park/prevent your daughter from going!

schoolgaterebel · 16/09/2017 19:08

You owe the other mother an apology.

madrid2017 · 16/09/2017 19:08

I don't think my 8 and 9 year old are mature enough to cope if something went wrong at the park

I think it is a bit different in a smallish village because there tends to be a lot of people you know round about.

DamnFineCherryPie · 16/09/2017 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floralnomad · 16/09/2017 19:10

There are really 2 separate issues here . Your daughter is at fault for going to the skate park without an adult and that has absolutely nothing to do with the other parent as her 'minding' duty ended when they left her house . When your child is in her house she has by letting her in unaccompanied by an adult taken responsibility for her whilst she is in their house . However as you don't have an issue about the care she received in the house the other parent is completely blameless in this situation .

honeyroar · 16/09/2017 19:10

So your daughter went round to her friend's with her skates, then went to the park, even though she knew that she wasn't allowed? How is it the other parent's fault? Of course they thought she was allowed to the park if she had been allowed out with her skates. Why would you let her take her skates with her if she wasn't allowed to the place where she could use them?

Expemsiveuniform · 16/09/2017 19:11

She wasn't mind g your daughter though. Your daughter called for hers and they went to the park. That's different to them being at her house.

PashPash · 16/09/2017 19:13

Yabu im afraid

We live in a small village and I've lived in villages for all my childhood and a fair chunk of my adult life.

Dd is a similar age to yours, and we live on a small close with loads of kids a few of whom are semi feral more free range than dd.

She knows she isn't allowed past a certain landmark, and I know that some of the more free range kids are. I've occasionally warned her about it in front of the other parents. That's as far as I'd go. I don't expect them to police her. I expect her to say 'no I'm not allowed to go there ' if she was asked. And if she chose to go, I'd blame her and no one else.

And tbh I fully expect she will do what we all did as kids, push boundaries, sneak off and then lie about it. Then get found out because a someone will spot them and sprag on her. It is a rite of passage in villages. I'm not bitter about our dog walking neighbour spotting me playing in the beck and going straight home to tell my mum. Blush

MrsFezziwig · 16/09/2017 19:15

OP: AIBU?
10 million mumsnetters: Yes
OP: No I'm not
Your daughter turned up with skates and lied failed to pass on the information that she was not allowed to the park without an adult. Was the other mother supposed to interrogate her until she broke down and told the truth? Confused

NamedyChangedy · 16/09/2017 19:17

Maybe next time you could make sure you speak to the other parent, if you have any guidelines / conditions to pass on. They can't be expected to read your mind, and you already know that your children aren't yet old enough to reliably pass on information. Sorry OP, hope things get smoothed over soon.

putdownyourphone · 16/09/2017 19:19

You didn't really need to go and speak to the other mother like that. If you were concerned about it happening again you could have just mentioned it to the mum next time your D.C. Played together and say 'oh, could you let me know if they want to go to the park? DD knows to ask me first.' By going round there it looks like you're blaming her.

You do sound a bit precious tho - 'maybe village life isn't for me.' Parenting styles differ in villages or cities, in sure there are kids who are allowed to go to the park alone in London too!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 16/09/2017 19:19

Knowing that she had her skates with her, it was up to you to make sure that Other Mother knew you were unhappy with her going to the park without an adult. The onus wasn't on her to check with you. You change the rules (ie most other kids allowed out to park at that age) it's up to you to implement that.

MadMags · 16/09/2017 19:21

They allow their dc to go unaccompanied.

But you think they should have given up their time to mind your dd, because you don't let her go unaccompanied?!

That's some colossal cheeky fuckery right there.

By all means, tell off your dd for breaking the rules but you are bang out of order with that mother.

My kid wouldn't be spending time with yours from here on in, because you're too much hard work and I wouldn't be arsed with it all.

claraschu · 16/09/2017 19:23

Also, to the other mother, it is completely normal for kids to go to the park with a friend. That is what kids do in your village.

You can't expect other parents to check that something which all the other kids do is ok by you. It's like if I got cross because some other parent didn't check if it is ok for my child to eat fish fingers and watch telly, and I start fuming because my children only eat organic vegetables and play improving board games.