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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

120 replies

purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 17:51

I am so shaken right now I don't know what way is up...

We recently moved to a village in a rural location. Most of the kids here seem to be allowed to go to the park etc on their own. I am not there yet with my two, I don't think they are ready. They are 8 and 9. I let them walk to the shop round the corner on their own but not go to the park, which is at the other end of the village and on the edge of a wooded area. It is quite isolated and at this stage I am not comfortable with them going there without an adult yet.

This afternoon we had invited one of my 8 year old's school friends who also lives in the village to play but when she didn't show, my daughter went to knock on her door and got invited in so I assumed she was invited to play. My daughter knew she was not allowed to go to the skate park without an adult but went anyway with the friend (also 8).

When I found out, I was very cross with my daughter and blamed her entirely but wanted to talk to the friend's parents to make them aware in future she isn't allowed to go. The mum got quite cross with me saying:

  • the invite was for the friend to come to us and if I want them to 'mind' her I should ask in advance (I assumed that if they agreed for her to come in their house it was implicit they agreed to mind her)
  • they assumed she was allowed to go as she brought her skates (but they accepted an 8 year old's word for it and didn't check with me?)

They clearly have a different parenting style to me and that's fine but I am feeling strongly criticised for mine here and I didn't criticise them.

I didn't really know what to say and responded that there had obviously been a misunderstanding but that I had assumed if they agreed for her to play, they agreed to mind her. She said I should have checked.

I need to build bridges really as we lift share some days but I am now feeling really uncomfortable!

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 19:25

I appreciate my views are in the minority here but just to correct or point out a few things.

  • she didn't call for her, they were playing at the friend's house before they went to the park
  • I didn't call round specifically to tell them, I asked to discuss it when I collected her
  • I have said several times I blame my daughter not the mum for my daughter going to the park
  • I have also said I will apologise to the mum for the misunderstanding - she obviously felt criticised which I didn't mean to imply but I had been very worried about my daughter
  • I probably will need to work up to letting her have more freedom but I don't think it would be at all responsible of me to give it to her overnight. We have never lived anywhere she could have walked to a park before.
My issue is not that she let her go but that she reacted so angrily to me.
OP posts:
MadMags · 16/09/2017 19:28

She reacted angrily because you were out of order.

You invited her kid to play, then sent yours around to her house, and THEN criticised her for not babysitting them in the park.

I'd be telling you to do one! Don't be surprised if your dd loses a friend. A lot of people wouldn't think it was worth the drama...

existentialmoment · 16/09/2017 19:30

My issue is not that she let her go but that she reacted so angrily to me

People get pissed off when you criticise them, thats not a shocker. And you are changing it since your OP to make her sound worse.....

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 16/09/2017 19:31

If you're so convinced you are not unreasonable, despite other people plainly saying you are, why are you continuing to post? I'm not sure you are going to change peoples minds....

Witsender · 16/09/2017 19:31

Well, I can understand why tbh. As can the majority of posters it seems. You sound a wee bit judgemental of what you see as different (read lesser) parenting styles. By going round as you did you are putting this on the mother, when really she is not in the wrong

DamnFineCherryPie · 16/09/2017 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jasharps · 16/09/2017 19:34

If a child arrives at my house unaccompanied I would assume that they can also leave unaccompanied and wouldn't consider for a second chaperoning them.

My DDs have instructions about the rules and to check in with me if they go into someone's garden or the Park or somewhere else not previously agreed.

We don't live in a village- a private estate and it's normal for kids to call for each other and play in the street, go to park etc

PollyFlint · 16/09/2017 19:47

My issue is not that she let her go but that she reacted so angrily to me.

Yes, she reacted angrily because you made a fuss over nothing. And also because it's a bit irritating if an eight-year-old child comes to your house and lies about what she's allowed to do and then you get an order from the child's mother to explicitly check with her before letting her child do stuff that her own kids are allowed to do all the time. If someone said that to me, I'd probably reply "OK, well, probably best if your child doesn't come to play here any more then because if she can't be trusted to tell the truth I don't really want to have to phone you every five minutes to check what you do and don't allow her to do."

Also, if you tell a parent of an 8 year old that your own 8 year old isn't allowed to go to the park like their child does, because you deem it too dangerous, there is an implied criticism of their parenting there that is bound to annoy them.

If your daughter requires adult supervision at a skate park, don't send her off to someone else's house with her skates.

misshelena · 16/09/2017 19:50

She didn't realise that you expected her to go to the skate park/prevent your daughter from going!

Exactly. It's obvious OP's dd omitted to mention this.

RedSkyAtNight · 16/09/2017 19:53

We've had all number of DC turning up round here from about age 8. I have no idea who half their parents are. My rule of thumb is that I will vaguely supervise them when they are in the house (as I would my own DC - make sure they don't mess about with t he kettle or something) but I assume if they are able to come to mine without an adult that they are fine to go out unsupervised within whatever boundaries their parents have set. It sounds like our area is a bit like OP's in that we have a park close by where all the DC go.

Your DD did call for her friend - that's what knocking on someone's door means! the fact they went in the house for a bit before going to the park does not turn it into a "formal" playdate.

I'm slightly struggling to understand why it is ok for your DD to walk to her friend's house, but not to the park - what additional danger does the park pose?

becotide · 16/09/2017 19:54

This is your daughter's naughtiness. If she is allowed to go places on her own, you must therefore trust her decision making.

Blaming other children's parents for your daughter's decision making is unfair and they are right to be cross with you.

misshelena · 16/09/2017 19:59

My issue is not that she let her go but that she reacted so angrily to me.

You can say a million times that you "didn't blame" her, but you did and she got the message. For ex, did you express surprise that she didn't phone you to check? If so then of course she took offense. I would too. You are the outlier with the special needs, it's on you to check. It probably didn't even occur to her to check in with you because no one else has your problem!
I am sorry but this mom won't be inviting your dd back. She can't measure up to your expectations of good parenting.

Lellikelly26 · 16/09/2017 20:00

I'm with the op here. I wouldn't let kids go off to a park alone at 8 years old and I'm even more cautious if someone else's child is with me.

becotide · 16/09/2017 20:01

WhenI was nineteen, I had a friend who was coddled.

Her mother once rang my mother (having found our number in the phone book) to demand our whereabouts. My mother's reply was "Well her passport's still here, so Becotide's still in Britain, but I can't speak for where your daughter may be"

My friend wasn't 'allowed' to go anywhere with me again.

Original poster
purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 20:02

Well as much as I am still baffled by it all, I have sent a text to the mum to apologise.
It is more dangerous to walk to the park than the shop because the shop is two minutes walk away around corner with no roads to cross and the park is fifteen minutes walk across three roads and through a field to a skate park out of view of any houses or other people.

OP posts:
becotide · 16/09/2017 20:03

LellyKelly, that's not the topic at hand. The question was if OP was being unreasonable to send her daughter round uninvited with a pair of skates and expect the other mother to drop everything and supervise her, and the consensus is, yes, Op is unreasonable.

becotide · 16/09/2017 20:04

PurpleAngel17, it really doesn't matter what you think is more dangerous, less dangerous etc. YOu install your values into YOUR KID. You don't get to demand everyone else complies.

existentialmoment · 16/09/2017 20:05

You're not remotely baffled at all OP, why are you pretending to be? There is nothing strange or complicated here and even if you didn't understand earlier, every single response has been clear and unanimous.

RedSkyAtNight · 16/09/2017 20:11

Probably wasting my breath but just in case:

Scenario 1: DC arrives at my door, unaccompanied by adult, with skates.. I presume her parents are ok with her walking round unaccompanied and by extrapolation also ok with her going to the skate park. I assume DC is old enough to tell me if this is not the case

scenario 2: A DC is formally invited round for a playdate and is dropped round by parent. I would check expectations re leaving house with the parent.

OP's situation is scenario 1, and she is trying to turn it into scenario 2.

Sayyouwill · 16/09/2017 20:12

You say further up that you would never assume someone's parenting to be the same as yours and would check with them before making decision... yet you assumed when she went to her friends house that the mother was taking responsibility for your child... without checking. So you did exactly what you said you would never do.
She assumed because your daughter rocked up with her skates and said she was allowed, that she was allowed. So you both made assumptions. I don't see how you can be mad at her for doing the same thing you did...

honeyroar · 16/09/2017 20:15

I probably wouldn't have let my stepson go alone at that age either (villager here too) but I equally wouldn't have let him go with something like his skates assuming the other parents may go with them. I'd have expected him to come back for his skates and tell me he was going (and who with).

Calling round, pretty much uninvited, is normal in a small community, but it's very different to a "formal" play date type invitation - then I'd expect the parent to assume more responsibility as its arranged between the two sets of parents.

diddl · 16/09/2017 20:18

"but I had been very worried about my daughter"

How could you be when you thought that she was either in the house or accompanied at the skate park?

Mittens1969 · 16/09/2017 20:24

You definitely need to apologise to the mum, she's in no way to blame! Your DD went over to her friend's house with her skates and didn't tell her mum that she wasn't allowed to go to the park unaccompanied by an adult. So your DD messed up and you need to deal with her disobedience instead of blaming her friend's mum.

My DD is 8 and there's no way she's responsible enough to go to a park without an adult but it depends on the individual child and it's up to parents to make that call. I can't really comment on what would be safe in a village as we live in a big city.

misshelena · 16/09/2017 20:25

What's so baffling OP?

It's simple you are the outlier with the special needs, it's on you to check in beforehand. Further, if labor is required to address your special need, then it is on you to provide such labor unlike the other kid, your dd needs adult supervision? Then YOU provide the adult supervision.

Original poster
purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 20:27

Existentialmoment, being in an evident minority doesn't mean I can't be baffled by the opposing viewpoint.

Noone where I lived before would have allowed such freedoms. It is all new to me. I accept the majority on here think I am in the wrong and I have apologised to the mum.

OP posts:
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