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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

120 replies

purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 17:51

I am so shaken right now I don't know what way is up...

We recently moved to a village in a rural location. Most of the kids here seem to be allowed to go to the park etc on their own. I am not there yet with my two, I don't think they are ready. They are 8 and 9. I let them walk to the shop round the corner on their own but not go to the park, which is at the other end of the village and on the edge of a wooded area. It is quite isolated and at this stage I am not comfortable with them going there without an adult yet.

This afternoon we had invited one of my 8 year old's school friends who also lives in the village to play but when she didn't show, my daughter went to knock on her door and got invited in so I assumed she was invited to play. My daughter knew she was not allowed to go to the skate park without an adult but went anyway with the friend (also 8).

When I found out, I was very cross with my daughter and blamed her entirely but wanted to talk to the friend's parents to make them aware in future she isn't allowed to go. The mum got quite cross with me saying:

the invite was for the friend to come to us and if I want them to 'mind' her I should ask in advance (I assumed that if they agreed for her to come in their house it was implicit they agreed to mind her)
they assumed she was allowed to go as she brought her skates (but they accepted an 8 year old's word for it and didn't check with me?)

They clearly have a different parenting style to me and that's fine but I am feeling strongly criticised for mine here and I didn't criticise them.

I didn't really know what to say and responded that there had obviously been a misunderstanding but that I had assumed if they agreed for her to play, they agreed to mind her. She said I should have checked.

I need to build bridges really as we lift share some days but I am now feeling really uncomfortable!

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 16/09/2017 23:27

@Sayyouwill, no, reading what the OP has said, there are 2 mum friends in the village who asked her first. Then she says it's always been this way, probably meaning before they moved there.

OP, I understand that you were worried. I would have been too. Your mistake was wading in and making this mum feel that you were blaming her, when what happened was that your DD lied. That may be something that hasn't happened before.

Original poster

purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 23:36

Sayyouwill, why is it ok for her to assume I parent like her but not the other way round? Why is it ok for her to be defensive but not me? Why is it ok for loads of people on here to explicitly criticise my parenting but I am crucified for a perceived implied criticism? I think it is a very different thing for a child who has grown up in a village to go to a familiar park on their own than for someone who has only ever been a couple of times. I can be unhappy with my daughter doing it without criticising her for letting her child do it.

OP posts:

Sayyouwill · 16/09/2017 23:40

You said you would never assume how another parent parents, yet you didn't assume she would mind your child.
I don't understand why you didn't ring this mother when your child didn't come back to check that she was okay watching her and mention the park? You send her over with her skates so it was implied that you didn't mind her going.
She was probably annoyed that you laid any blame at her door when all she did was let your child in to play and trusted her.

Sayyouwill · 16/09/2017 23:41

Also, you've opened up the floor for people to comment on your parenting by posting on a public forum, whereas she is just cracking on with it. She is/hasn't asked for any advice whereas you have... so people will comment.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 16/09/2017 23:50

FWIW, OP, I would absolutely not have allowed my dd to have done this at that age. She was 10 or 11 before she went to a regular park without me, and it's a 5 min (dawdling) walk for us, with no main roads to cross. There's NO WAY I'd have let her go to a skate park, where kids regularly fall over and hurt themselves without an adult at that age.
So I am with you on that element.

The point where you lost me was that the plan had been for you to host the other child, and when she didn't turn up, you let your DD go looking for her and not come back (so the other parent had responsibility). That would have annoyed me, even before you reprimanded her.

But I think it's probably academic in any case, because I suspect this family will be "busy" from now on whenever there are any future invites.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/09/2017 23:52

purple - can you not see at all, that if you were OK with your child going to be the park alone, and another child turned up at your house - with their skates - saying they also were allowed to do it, you would completely take that at face value........?

It just wouldn't have occurred to the other mother to question the situation. It wouldn't have occurred to her to assume your DD was lying.

becotide · 17/09/2017 00:15

Stop having a piss fit because everyone has told you you're wrong.

NoSquirrels · 17/09/2017 08:18

Look , OP, try to reframe your thinking on this.

it was not an "arranged play date" it was a casual informal offer. You say the conversation went "Your DD is welcome to play at our house this afternoon." and Mum replied "Likewise". That's a knock-the-door come-to-call on-the-day arrangement, not a proper full invite - presumably the other Mum hadn't factored a supervised play date where she'd need to leave the house into her plans.
Your DD knocked her door, WITH HER SKATES. The other mum would rightly assume unaccompanied child + skates = skate park. In that scenario, the onus really really isn't on her to query your DD in any way.
"Minding" your DD. I'm sure within her house the other mum would consider herself responsible for your DD. But as she arrived unaccompanied with her skates, outside the house she's not "in charge" at all. You've made her sound negligent, that's why she's cross.
Your DD and you need better systems. If she cannot go unaccompanied, she must return home and get YOU to come with her (friends will soon stop asking for her, though, just to warn you!). "An adult" is pushing that onus onto someone else. She must not take skates from home etc.

Finally, try to get over this and build some trust in your girls. You're lucky there's 2 of them (so you can make the rule they must stick together, if that helps you adjust) and both ages where they'll be sensible. There's also a huge pack of them, apparently- you said half the village was there unaccompanied, and safety in numbers is brilliant. A big pack of kids of different ages is exactly the best thing for staying safe. Not allowing DDs to be the only children there if it's slightly isolated = sensible, not allowing them at all = overly cautious.

Can you articulate to yourself what your worries are? Injury, abduction, bullying? Try to rationalise your fears.

AlwaysNeedTea · 17/09/2017 08:26

I'm with everyone else, YABU. It was an informal invitation, not an arranged play date.
If you knew the mum already and had her number why didn't you text her rather than turning up at her house? And why didn't she know your rules on what your DD can do, of the kids have been friends for a year surely she knows you have boundaries?

My DD is 10 and people often knock for her. I don't question them on where they are allowed to go, they've been allowed to my house alone and it isn't my job to police them. An arranged visit where I am feeding them etc is different but a child just knocking on the door - not my job to ask them what they are allowed to do.

diddl · 17/09/2017 08:34

So a couple of mums who don't know you well/who don't know your daughter well have checked-that make sense.

This mum who you have known for a year didn't check-she took your daughter's word.

The word of a girl she knows.

Like you-she trusted her!

Pengggwn · 17/09/2017 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparklyMagpie · 17/09/2017 08:56

"Stop having a piss fit because everyone has told you you're wrong"

THIS!!

Mittens1969 · 17/09/2017 09:05

@Pengggwn, she wasn't uninvited, there was a suggestion that they could play together that afternoon at either house. We have a similar type of relationship with our NDNs, who have a DD of a similar age to ours.

OhOfCourse · 17/09/2017 09:06

I think you're getting a hard time actually. As other child shouted "mum we're going to the skate park" it would be very easy to shout back "you're not going anywhere until xxx has asked her mum".

Unfortunately though your child is 8 and one hopes they are starting to take responsibility for themselves. I remember my DS got carried away with his friends playing outside and they'd decided to bike down to the local woodland without asking.

Thank god I had "track my phone" on his mobile and tracked him there. I was nearly physically sick and gave him the shouting of my life. He's never done it again :)

Imamouseduh · 17/09/2017 09:26

Your DD probably lied in the first place because she is kept on such a short leash. Try putting some trust in her and she will rise to the task.

lookingbeyond40 · 17/09/2017 09:30

Your DD probably lied in the first place because she is kept on such a short leash. Try putting some trust in her and she will rise to the task.

^^ this!!!

I'm not sure grounding her for a week will help matters either.

ferrier · 17/09/2017 09:39

I think you're getting a hard time too and I certainly wouldn't have let me 8 yr old unaccompanied at a skate park 15 minutes away without a lot more safeguards around how help was going to be got in the event of an accident.
I can understand the other girl's mum assuming your dd was allowed to the skate park though if she turned up at the house with her skates and that is the norm for her dd and the village in general. Parents with more relaxed approaches are often like this, not deliberately but because they just don't see it as an issue.

cremedelashite · 17/09/2017 09:45

Op. I'm not relaxed with giving my kids freedom unfortunately and no way would I allow my 8 year old to go to park alone in area i had only been in one week. This type of situation has happened to me. My kid has gone to play somewhere and was out playing in woodland a fair distance away across minor roads. The kids she was with regularly did this. I thought they'd be playing in or near the house. To be honest it didn't occur to me otherwise. I would say you need to chalk this up to experience. Decide your boundaries, agree them with your daughter and maybe go speak to parent and make nice.

TheNaze73 · 17/09/2017 09:58

YABVU

misshelena · 17/09/2017 16:49

Look OP -- if you are SO sure that you are right, regardless of what anyone else says, why post on MN?

Some posters here are confused as to what majority are saying here -- No one is judging OP's decision not to allow her 8yo DD to go to skate park without adult supervision. Ppl are saying that OP was unreasonable to assume that the other mom was responsible for checking in with her before allowing OP's dd to go to the park. Especially since OP sent her dd, unaccompanied by an adult AND with skates, to friend's house! AND the friend's mom allows her dd to go unsupervised to the park, as it is the norm in OP's village.

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