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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

120 replies

purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 17:51

I am so shaken right now I don't know what way is up...

We recently moved to a village in a rural location. Most of the kids here seem to be allowed to go to the park etc on their own. I am not there yet with my two, I don't think they are ready. They are 8 and 9. I let them walk to the shop round the corner on their own but not go to the park, which is at the other end of the village and on the edge of a wooded area. It is quite isolated and at this stage I am not comfortable with them going there without an adult yet.

This afternoon we had invited one of my 8 year old's school friends who also lives in the village to play but when she didn't show, my daughter went to knock on her door and got invited in so I assumed she was invited to play. My daughter knew she was not allowed to go to the skate park without an adult but went anyway with the friend (also 8).

When I found out, I was very cross with my daughter and blamed her entirely but wanted to talk to the friend's parents to make them aware in future she isn't allowed to go. The mum got quite cross with me saying:

  • the invite was for the friend to come to us and if I want them to 'mind' her I should ask in advance (I assumed that if they agreed for her to come in their house it was implicit they agreed to mind her)
  • they assumed she was allowed to go as she brought her skates (but they accepted an 8 year old's word for it and didn't check with me?)

They clearly have a different parenting style to me and that's fine but I am feeling strongly criticised for mine here and I didn't criticise them.

I didn't really know what to say and responded that there had obviously been a misunderstanding but that I had assumed if they agreed for her to play, they agreed to mind her. She said I should have checked.

I need to build bridges really as we lift share some days but I am now feeling really uncomfortable!

OP posts:
existentialmoment · 16/09/2017 20:29

Baffled means you don't understand it, but you do. You just disagree.

Branleuse · 16/09/2017 20:30

if you knew that all the other parents let their kids go to the park by themselves, then what on earth would make you think that the parent would accompany your daughter. Accompany your own kid if youre sending her out with her skates

Mittens1969 · 16/09/2017 20:32

No one is criticising your parenting style, OP, it's entirely up to you to decide how much freedom your DD is to have. But you shouldn't have said anything to the mum, only your DD.

You don't want to burn bridges as you're new in the village and you really don't want your DD to lose this friend. You really need to put this right.

Original poster
purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 20:35

I don't understand it. I'm not sure how you think you can read my mind.

I didn't know they all went alone to the park. I have lived here one week. I found out today when I went to the park to find her (hence being in a state as she had already left) and saw half the village alone there and no adults.

OP posts:
becotide · 16/09/2017 20:39

Purpleangel17, the responsibility is yours to learn then. It's nobody else's fault you don't understand the culture of where you have moved to and if you simply cannot get your head around it, move to where you can understand.

YOu still do not get to blame people for your daughter deceiving you. That's on you. You left her unaccompanied - no, nobody else is going to pick up your perceived slack.

HotelEuphoria · 16/09/2017 20:40

Op, you are wrong, sorry.

becotide · 16/09/2017 20:41

Furthermore, you may want to learn quickly, as your reputation as "That nutter who's just moved in" has been firmly earned - villages are small places.

Francenfeet · 16/09/2017 20:43

I think that if your dd turned up to her friend's house, and then took her friend off to the skate park with her, and her friend's mum knew she'd agreed with you that her daughter was coming to play with your dd that day, she could quite reasonably not have had any idea at all that you thought she was 'minding' your daughter. So it's a misunderstanding.

Have you moved to a different country? We just moved somewhere where all the kids go around on their own and I'm still getting used to it. I like it, but I get nervous when they don't show up when I thought they would, and then don't answer the phone etc.

DorisPegg · 16/09/2017 20:44

It's good that you've apologised.

Next time just tell your DD what she's allowed to do and what she isn't.

MadMags · 16/09/2017 20:47

You're worried about a park trip yet you've lived there a week and happily assumed she was in some stranger's house?!

Anyway, there's nothing for you to be baffled by!

What exactly is confusing you? The fact that they let their daughter go to the park, even though you've said you don't mind different parenting styles to your own, or the fact that people don't think another adult should be responsible for taking care of your child...especially when they never volunteered to do so?!

diddl · 16/09/2017 20:49

"I didn't know they all went alone to the park. I have lived here one week."

But you put in your OP that you knew that the kids played out?

It can't be a surprise to you that when your daughter turned up with her skates they thought that she was allowed to go to the park?

You trusted your 8yr old to speak out to virtual strangers (unless you knew them before you moved)

Lurkedforever1 · 16/09/2017 20:53

Yabu. It's irrelevant whether the other dc are all allowed to a skate park or whether they all take recreational drugs, it's still up to you, not other parents to police your child.

Echoing pps, if I personally invite dc here, I'd check before they went anywhere. If they turn up unaccompanied, I don't.

I used to know someone with a similar attitude to you op. My area is the same, and my house is central for the popular play places. Kid would either come in here when dd did or would knock on, and I had nothing but hassle from the mum expecting me to police her snowflake. A quick text from a normal parent asking me to send their dc home for dinner next time I saw them is one thing, but it only took a few calls from her for me to suggest she watched her pfb herself and fuck off expecting me too.

Francesca14 · 16/09/2017 21:01

You sent your daughter to knock for her friend without an adult and then expected the friends mum to not let your daughter out without an adult....... I don't blame her for being cross about this.

Original poster
purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 21:17

We have known the family a year, I only moved to the village a week ago. So they are not strangers.

Yes I did trust my 8 year old -and the other mum - and clearly I was wrong on both counts.

Well, I have apologised and we will see what happens.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 16/09/2017 21:17

OP, when my DD1 was just a year old we moved to a village, having lived in London up until then.

There were many reasons for the move, but one of the pluses was definitely that we were able to give our kids some freedoms (within reason of course) at a somewhat earlier age than we would have felt comfortable with if we had continued to live in London.

You have only recently made a similar move and are still adapting. The other mum is probably more of a local, or at least there for much longer. She felt that you were criticising her, and you were. Your DD arrived with her skates. It surely looked as though the intention was to go to the skate park. She probably assumed that you knew that and were OK with it, that the presence of the skates meant that permission was already given to your DD. Why the hell else would she have had her skates with her??

You seem to have assumed that she would accompany them to the park simply because you have different rules, which neither you nor your DD had communicated to her anyway (I assume she isn't psychic). You then turned up on her doorstep in a bit of a flap about it and came across as critical.

You were unreasonable. Why is that so baffling?

diddl · 16/09/2017 21:38

"Yes I did trust my 8 year old -and the other mum - and clearly I was wrong on both counts. "

But the other mum has done nothing wrong!

Unless you had already specifically told her that your daughter couldn't go to the skate park without an adult.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/09/2017 21:42

This is nothing to do with parents having stricter parenting styles (I come down firmly on your side of things, OP).

But rather - that your DD arrived around at someone's house, with her skates, and said she was allowed to go to the park unsupervised.

If my policy was to let my DC go to the park unsupervised, of course it wouldn't occur to me to doubt the word of the child arriving on my doorstep. I'd assume they were telling the truth, and were allowed the same freedoms as my child.

Why wouldn't I?

So no, I wouldn't doubt them, and therefore I wouldn't call up to check.

The other Mum has done nothing wrong here. It's your DD that's unfortunately caused this.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/09/2017 22:01

And, in fact, I'd be incredibly pissed off if I then got a telling off by a parent for their kid lying to me.

Incredibly pissed off.

So if your apology was in any way half-hearted, or still slightly pinning it on me, I'd probably be done with the friendship. I'd be that annoyed at your DD.

And I say this as someone who has the exact same strictness levels for my 8YO as you.

myrtleWilson · 16/09/2017 22:31

the other mom has done nothing wrong - so you're completely out of order to say you 'misplaced' your trust there...

MadMags · 16/09/2017 22:38

How have you been wrong to trust the other mum?

Sounds like her kid isn't the one lying and breaking rules. Maybe you should take a leaf out of her book!

Original poster
purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 22:59

Anyone would think my daughter had robbed a bank from reading this, not failed to tell another parent she wasn't allowed the same freedoms as her friend... She has had a serious telling off and been grounded for a week. But she is 8 and still learning.

I know two other mums in the village, both of whom asked me if my daughter was allowed to the park before letting her do so. Every other friend's mum has done the same before now. I trusted this mum to show me the same courtesy but apparently the world thinks I was the rude one for saying 'I'm sorry DD2 lied to you, I have had stern words. She isn't allowed to the park on her own yet so next time she says she is allowed, please take it with a pinch of salt.' This apparently makes me an incredibly rude and overprotective mum who will be ostracised by the village. I give up...

OP posts:
Sayyouwill · 16/09/2017 23:19

Every other mother in the village showed you this courtesy, yet you've lived there 1 week?

Original poster
purpleangel17 · 16/09/2017 23:22

Every other mother I have known since I became a mum. So no, not just in this village but I had no reason to expect here would be any different. Two out of three mums here have, all mums at the same non-village school.

OP posts:
Sayyouwill · 16/09/2017 23:25

I think you've placed an awful lot of blame at this mums door rather than just accepting that she is different to you.

You assumed she was happy to 'mind' your child, she assumed your daughter wasn't lying.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/09/2017 23:25

Sorry OP, we're just trying to help you see this from the other Mum's perspective.

I understand that you must've been totally freaked out by what happened. But the other mum really has not done anything wrong here - it's a genuine misunderstanding. I would've done the same thing in the other mum's shoes - she took your daughter at her word.

Your apology should hopefully smooth the waters, and you can put this behind you and move on.

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