Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to make of this mum?

122 replies

lill72 · 16/09/2017 10:50

Sooooo I share the gymastics class run with another mum and her daughter.A few months back she told me all about her DD birthday party and how she could only invite 12 to the venue, which she said she was pleased about. ie not having to invite more. Then I find out through he DD that my DD was not invited. They are not best mates but definitely friendly.I thought i a bit odd that the mum told me all about the party The week of the party the mum invites me slightly randomly out for a coffee. It was a bit out of the blue. I went along.

Everytime she drops my DD and another one of their mates off, she tells my DD off for something. She has given a friends daughter a stern telling off in front of the mum. Her DD is very compliant - it seems like she has been trained into being so. The mum is very very tough. So she feels like she can judge other children that are not as compliant. My DD has always been a bit more free spirited and headstrong. He DD may have never been like this. She seems very quiet. Anyway the point of all this is that it seems like my DD is too much trouble for her. She never gets invited to playdates their anymore - she only seems to invite quiet, compliant children.

The strange thing is that she wants to have a relationship with me do coffees etc. I just find it a bit offensive that she seems to judge my daughter yet wants to be friendly to me. Seems a bit tactical to me. she is one of the alpha mums at school.

Sooooo.... my DD birhday is coming up. I want to keep numbers down and it would be easy to not invite this child but seems a bit tit for tat. They are friends. Oh what to do?

If your child doesn't get invited to a party, what do you do?

OP posts:
ILoveMillhousesDad · 16/09/2017 10:53

If your child doesn't get invited to a party, what do you do?

Not make a big deal out of it. Parents are usually more upset about this shit than the kids imho. If child is upset, do something else nice with them.

Fabellini · 16/09/2017 10:54

Do you like her, and enjoy her company? If not, then decline the coffee invites. You can be cordial without being friends.
If the dds are friends and your dd would like her dd to come to the party, then invite her.
There doesn't need to be any "tit for tat".
It's easy to overthink things, but if my dc wasn't invited to a party, we just did something else that day, and I explained that you can't always include everyone, and some friends are just closer than others, but it doesn't mean you're not friends at all.

Marinade · 16/09/2017 10:56

I would ask your daughter if she wants to invite her. I invite children who my kids like, irrespective of whether they have been invited to any of their parties. I do place a cap on the numbers so they have to choose within those limits and ask that they prioritise kids who have always asked them to parties. I think a tit for tat response to exclude the daughter is probably not the right thing to do here as it is not the daughter's fault that the mother is a bit off. I do agree with you that the mother sounds a bit much and I would also be miffed at her behaviour but I think you should probably give her a wide berth if you can.

toomuchtooold · 16/09/2017 10:56

If the DD is good enough friends with your DAD that you would invite her if it weren't for the mum's oddness, I'd say invite her. Be the bigger person, put the kids' friendship first. Also once you don't know what it's like behind closed doors but the mother sounds like a piece of work and the kid may find herself increasingly isolated. It happened to me as a kid. I was very grateful to the one or two parents who continued to let their kids invite me over after my mother had created drama with everyone and despite me never being able to reciprocate.

Original poster
lill72 · 16/09/2017 10:56

Sorry should have phrased better as was asking in relation to what I was talking about above - ie if your child does not get invited to a party, do you then not invite that child, or still invite etc? Advice appreciated!

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 16/09/2017 10:58

obv you don't know
DD not DAD

bloody phone

AppleBosom · 16/09/2017 10:58

its the child's party, if she child wants that child there invite them if not then not.
if you like that mum go out for coffee if you dont like her much just keep it friendly..pretty much what ilovemillhousesdad said

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 16/09/2017 10:59

I invite who my children want to invite.

I socialise with people I want to socialise with.

The two are mutually exclusive.

Papafran · 16/09/2017 10:59

Maybe she told you about the limited capacity because she didn't want you to get annoyed when your DD was not invited.

My DD has always been a bit more free spirited and headstrong

OK, so that sentence has warning bells all over it. Maybe if you teach your daughter to behave when in someone else's car, she would get invited to parties and playdates. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being well-behaved (as her DD obviously is), but you seem to be criticising it. I wouldn't want someone 'free-spirited and headstrong' (not how others perceive it BTW) running round my house either and would definitely go for the quiet, polite children.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2017 11:05

I let the child decide. It's not my party it's theirs. The only time I would step in is if one child was being excluded whilst all others included.

yikesanotherbooboo · 16/09/2017 11:09

Do not tit for tat over invites ... invite whom your DD wishes to invite

Branleuse · 16/09/2017 11:09

Dont invite the other kid.

It seems like she likes you, but not your child, which is fine, but its also quite offensive. If someone wanted to be friends with me, but were judgemental of my children, I would not be interested in staying friends.

Original poster
lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:11

Oh Papa - you have got it all wrong!!! So what I mean is that my DD likes to dance and sing as she walks, not just walk along the street. I dont mean that she does not behave! So hmmm take much offence that you dont think she behaves! PS by the way they are 6!

Also I really like her little girl, but there is slight sadness for me for her to be honest. She is left to her own devices a lot. The mum though not working, rarely turns up to her school concerts and she made the comment one day that her mum is always going away (on social trips) She is left to her own devices at school functions while mum is working at them. Has to wander the playground by herself. Also know the mum is super strict.So no criticisting well behaved children, but more how this child came to be like this and more mature beyond her years!

OP posts:
streetface · 16/09/2017 11:13

You know, I've got to the point in my life that I understand how precious my time is. Only share your time with really good, lovely and special people that enhance your life. It really improves your life and cuts out all this crap. I agree with PP just don't bother with this 'friend'.

Idontevencareanymore · 16/09/2017 11:15

I'd not do tit for tat non invite. That's not fair on the child. Her mums a douche not the kid.

Ask your dd which friends she most wants at her party. If child doesn't get invited fair play.

Branleuse · 16/09/2017 11:15

Some children ARE just more freespiirited and headstrong and whatever else you want to call them, and no amount of parenting in the world breaks their spirit. You deal with what youve got. The ones that have more compliant children often assume its down to their superior parenting. Im not sure thats always right though

BastardGoDarkly · 16/09/2017 11:15

I don't give this shit ANY thought!?

I say... You can invite 10.. Who's it gonna be? That's it!

Also if you enjoy her company, keep seeing her, if not, be forever busy.

coolaschmoola · 16/09/2017 11:16

My dd is almost six... I don't let her dance and sing in the street either, and I'm definitely not overly strict. Just because she has a different perspective doesn't mean she's wrong.

Penfold007 · 16/09/2017 11:16

Stop the gymnastics transport sharing. If your DD wants to invite the girl to her party then invite her if not then don't bother.

MrLovebucket · 16/09/2017 11:18

The child hasn't done anything wrong so why wouldn't you invite her Confused

Not sure I'd bother having coffee with the Mum though.

coolaschmoola · 16/09/2017 11:18

I also don't analyse my dad's invites or lack thereof. She chooses who to invite to her party too.

You're overthinking. Let your dd choose who to invite to her party. If you like the mum do coffee, if you don't, don't.

Sorted.

Original poster
lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:18

Fabellini - great advice thank you. I sort of like the mum, but like other mums we are a bit scared of her. She likes to be queen of the playground. It is all very tedious but I dont want to be on her bad side that is for sure.

You are right - doesnt mean they are not friends.

The whole invite thing is tricky. There are certain people I need to invite as I am now very good mates with the mums and younger sibilng is with theirs, even if my DD is not that close to the person invited (ie may be a boy for instance) What do you do if you are in same situation?

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 16/09/2017 11:20

Just send the invites to those friends your dd wishes to attend - don't over think it.

CatsRidingRollercoasters · 16/09/2017 11:21

I'd love to hear the other side of this.

You sound very judgemental re her compliant child.

My dd is quite compliant, although of course she has her moments. I have a friend who also describes her ds as 'spirited' and jokes about my child. She says it's because girls are different and I'll find this out when my ds is older.

Her spirited child spits, screams, climbs on my sofa with shoes on, wreaks havoc in cafes etc. Your version of spirited might be her version of badly behaved and disrespectful.

If your dd wants to invite her, invite her. If you want to be friends with the mother, go for coffee with her. If you don't, keep a friendly distance.

Don't get into tit for tat re parties as you'll make things difficult for your own dd apart from anything else.

Beadieeye · 16/09/2017 11:21

If your DD wants to invite her, then invite her. It doesn't have to be complicated or a game between the parents.
Are they the same age? If her DD is a bit older, they usually want to invite their closest friends, who are usually classmates at school. It's hard enough narrowing that number down, before including friends from outside school.
The woman sees you as a friend. Your friends' children won't always be besties with your children. Stop looking for problems or deeper meanings.