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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to make of this mum?

122 replies

lill72 · 16/09/2017 10:50

Sooooo I share the gymastics class run with another mum and her daughter.A few months back she told me all about her DD birthday party and how she could only invite 12 to the venue, which she said she was pleased about. ie not having to invite more. Then I find out through he DD that my DD was not invited. They are not best mates but definitely friendly.I thought i a bit odd that the mum told me all about the party The week of the party the mum invites me slightly randomly out for a coffee. It was a bit out of the blue. I went along.

Everytime she drops my DD and another one of their mates off, she tells my DD off for something. She has given a friends daughter a stern telling off in front of the mum. Her DD is very compliant - it seems like she has been trained into being so. The mum is very very tough. So she feels like she can judge other children that are not as compliant. My DD has always been a bit more free spirited and headstrong. He DD may have never been like this. She seems very quiet. Anyway the point of all this is that it seems like my DD is too much trouble for her. She never gets invited to playdates their anymore - she only seems to invite quiet, compliant children.

The strange thing is that she wants to have a relationship with me do coffees etc. I just find it a bit offensive that she seems to judge my daughter yet wants to be friendly to me. Seems a bit tactical to me. she is one of the alpha mums at school.

Sooooo.... my DD birhday is coming up. I want to keep numbers down and it would be easy to not invite this child but seems a bit tit for tat. They are friends. Oh what to do?

If your child doesn't get invited to a party, what do you do?

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 16/09/2017 11:44

Headstrong is not ok if it means she's disobedient and yes headstrong adults are sometimes a nightmare too if they always want their own way and don't consider how their actions impact others.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 16/09/2017 11:44

My DD has always been a bit more free spirited and headstrong.

Oh dear.

Don't hold it against this woman that she doesn't want her daughter mixing with yours too much.

Original poster
lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:44

FLOWER POT - so wrong sooo very wrong.
The other mums make fun of this other mum - they are all scared of her. She employs harsh tactics like refusing to let them go to parties etc. I dont agree with this. If you want to scare you children into being compliant - go for it

OP posts:
Beadieeye · 16/09/2017 11:45

You're far too concerned about how others will perceive you, to the extent your DD can't even choose who she wants at her party.
That's because you fear others will judge you like you judge them. In reality, most people wouldn't give it a second thought.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/09/2017 11:46

I would deeply offend and upset my friend if her child was not invited as I have playdates with my younger DD and her younger DD
Then you invite younger friends DD to younger Dd's birthday. Not to 6 yo's.

If you want to invite your friends and their kids have a bigger party.

There's limited spaces so DD gets to pick without pressure.

If your friend cannot understand that, I pity her

SleepingStandingUp · 16/09/2017 11:47

they are all scared of her
I don't get this. Why are you all scared of a random mom with no power over you

Original poster
lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:47

My daughter is confident, happy, loving, passionate and caring.

You can interpret things how you like.

This was not even the point of this post!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:50

sleeping - i am not inviting the younger sibilings. But our family is friends with the whole family. Would seem odd to invite her child in my DD year when they are friendly ????

OP posts:
Original poster
lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:50

Not to invite

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2017 11:50

Ah i see, apologies. In that case, can you be flexible on numbers? I have a couple of boys dd is friends with and I'm friends with the mums. As she's got older, the boys are getting less likely to be included because of the type of party she will go for. She is also growing away from them as girls and boys most often do. The other option if funds allow is to take the boys for a game of bowling and an ice cream. We did that for dds 8th. She had a swim party last year so numbers didn't matter.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/09/2017 11:51

Ok she's awesome. Let her pick her own friends for the party

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 16/09/2017 11:51

If you want to scare you children into being compliant - go for it

You're an adult woman too scared of another woman to refuse a coffee date, and you're snarking at other people?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 16/09/2017 11:51

I think you have confused your child's birthday with a networking session.

Madness.

FlowerPot1234 · 16/09/2017 11:51

lill72
FLOWER POT - so wrong sooo very wrong.
The other mums make fun of this other mum - they are all scared of her.

You mean other mums bitch about this woman behind her back and these grown women say they are "scared" of another mum.

She employs harsh tactics like refusing to let them go to parties etc.

You mean she chooses which social gatherings are appropriate for her child.

I dont agree with this. If you want to scare you children into being compliant - go for it

You mean you disagree with a mother who has brought up a well-behaved child, whilst your child is being told off for misbehaving.

Original poster
lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:51

Sleeping - I dont know. maybe as she thinks she is queen bee/ I dont know really

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/09/2017 11:51

OP, I think your DD sounds delightful and happy, how lovely that she has the confidence to sing out loud and dance. That is a reflection on you.😀
Let your DD choose her party guests.
Also don't pal up, with someone who you feel intimidated by, not good !

SleepingStandingUp · 16/09/2017 11:52

OP its not hard.

ASK HER WHO SHE WANTS TO INVITE.

If they're that friendly she'll say his name.

How many spaces are therr?

JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 11:52

Sorry if i have already posted this but my phone is playing up. OP you said earlier that although she's not working she doesn't attend the school concerts etc then said shes usually away working at social events.

That's working. Confused

For what it's worth. I fucking hated going to those school events.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/09/2017 11:53

OP you need to work put why you are scared of a fellow mom. That's your issue. She might want to be queen bee but so what. You're not 13

JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 11:54

I dont agree with this. If you want to scare you children into being compliant - go for it

You dont have to scare your children into being compliant. Mine are compliant. Because they know the consequences if they don't. Not because I tell them I'll throw them in the cellar if they don't.

Notonthestairs · 16/09/2017 11:54

I don't think I'm understanding the issue. Your child chooses who she wants to come to her party. Yes friendship groups change a lot at this age but you just go with who she's friends with at that time. Next year it may be an entirely different group but who knows. I'd give it zero head space to be honest.

Original poster
lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:55

Flowerpot - no she refuses to let them go to a party if they have behaved badly. She told me.
You sound like a nice person by the way.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 16/09/2017 11:55

And stop criticising the other mum for working.

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/09/2017 11:55

Re your DD's party:

You tell her how many she can invite - she choses eho she wants to come.

There is none if this I need to invite x nonsense from you!

Re: the Mum - there is no need for her daughter to want to be friends with your daughter for her to be your friend- if you want to hsve a friendship/coffees etc with her. The two are separate.

In the same way your daughter's personality is free-spirited then maybe her daughter's personality is quiet and unassuming (rather than compliant). I too would probably be seen as a stricter parent and call my child well behaved (you may see compliant).

I am gobsmacked that you say the mother doesn't spend time with her child merely because she is helping at school events and is lucky enough to have a couple of trips now and then . You have no idea of their time spent together at home. You think she is judgmental whereas all indications here show you to be!!

FlowerPot1234 · 16/09/2017 11:56

*lill72

I dont know. maybe as she thinks she is queen bee/ I dont know really

You mean you are making up all these nasty thoughts and motivations about a lady who has a well-behaved daughter, who is friendly towards you, who takes your child to gymnastics and who has invited you for coffee.

Confused