to not know what to make of this mum?

[lill72]

Sooooo I share the gymastics class run with another mum and her daughter.A few months back she told me all about her DD birthday party and how she could only invite 12 to the venue, which she said she was pleased about. ie not having to invite more. Then I find out through he DD that my DD was not invited. They are not best mates but definitely friendly.I thought i a bit odd that the mum told me all about the party The week of the party the mum invites me slightly randomly out for a coffee. It was a bit out of the blue. I went along.

Everytime she drops my DD and another one of their mates off, she tells my DD off for something. She has given a friends daughter a stern telling off in front of the mum. Her DD is very compliant - it seems like she has been trained into being so. The mum is very very tough. So she feels like she can judge other children that are not as compliant. My DD has always been a bit more free spirited and headstrong. He DD may have never been like this. She seems very quiet. Anyway the point of all this is that it seems like my DD is too much trouble for her. She never gets invited to playdates their anymore - she only seems to invite quiet, compliant children.

The strange thing is that she wants to have a relationship with me do coffees etc. I just find it a bit offensive that she seems to judge my daughter yet wants to be friendly to me. Seems a bit tactical to me. she is one of the alpha mums at school.

Sooooo.... my DD birhday is coming up. I want to keep numbers down and it would be easy to not invite this child but seems a bit tit for tat. They are friends. Oh what to do?

If your child doesn't get invited to a party, what do you do?

I agree Bluntness. The party is for the DC. It is up to the DCs who they invite. Just like it would be if it was my party, then it'd be up to me who I invite.

I do feel this woman thinks she has superior parenting.

I think you feel a bit superior to her tbh.

But regardless, if the kids aren't that close, then don't invite the DD.

Btw, in what ways does your DD's headstrong, freespirited, passionate personality show?

No it isn't HeyRoly. A handful of posters have made comments like that. A minority

Most people are focusing on what the op has said she has said and done herself.

Although with all this drip feeding it does seem that maybe the op is deliberately trying to wind people up.

Bingo!

Ooops, sorry. Bingo!!!!!!!

deciding who her kid is allowed at her birthday party based on her own mates

This happens all the time in my DC social circles. I thought it was the norm and that I was being all weird by letting DC choose. Go figure.

OP I knew you'd get a roasting here for saying your child is free spirited and headstrong. MN is so predictable sometimes . It's hard when a friend parents differently to you - a friend of mine is forever handing junk food to her children and mine (think daily family-sized bags of crisps at pickup time, then sweets, then more snacks), even when I say no thank you. I must say it has affected our friendship.

This happens all the time in my DC social circles

Very strange, I've not ever witnessed it, it's either whole class or specific friends as the kids pick. I can't even imagine having a party for my daughter and saying " sorry sweetie, my mates are coming, not yours" . Any of the mums who wanted to socialise didn't need to use their child's parties to make it happen.

Op, are you a stay at home mum? Do you have friends outwith the school? Is there a reason you need to make her party primarily about your needs and social circle and not hers?

Gosh this thread is almost designed to push buttons isn't it?

IT IS YOUR DD'S BIRTHDAY! YOU INVITE THOSE CHILDREN SHE WANTS.

You do not invite kids she likes less just because you like the mum, abd certainly not at the expense of children your dd actually friends with and likes more.

FGS.

Invite whomever you like for your birthday.

If you want to dictTe the guest list at 6 years old, and do reciprocal invites, or add people who wouldn't be top of your DD's list, that's OK. But you can't combine it with "keeping the numbers down".

Either- choose activity/party with limited guests, your DD picks.

Or - have a larger party to avoid playground politics.

At 6, I'd go with the latter, personally.
Time enough for smaller guest lists when friendships are more established and less chance of people getting the hump (like you did with Queen Bee mum when she didn't invite your DD).

I think what will form people's answers here is your use of "very complaint" and "headstrong and freewilled".

It creates a stereotypical image in people's heads. But I was the "extremely compliant child" - it's not always beneficial or a great trait and "headstrong" doesn't have to = disrespectful brat it can just mean has their own opinions and the confidence to express them.

As for the other questions

A) does your DD want to invite this girl? Surely she can choose. And

B) do you want a friendship with this mum. Especially when you feel - or indicate you feel that she thinks she and her DD are superior to you and others?

HeyRoly

Speaking for myself, I haven't interpreted headstrong in itself to automatically mean badly behaved.

I have interpreted "Everytime she drops my DD and another one of their mates off, she tells my DD off for something" to mean the daughter is badly behaved. Otherwise what is she being told off for, every time? The OP does not say she is doing nothing; the OP instead complains about the lady's strictness and "compliance" of the daughter which comes across as admitting she is misbehaving but she'd rather nobody tell her off for any of it.

the OP had no chance of sympathetic replies once people started interpreting her words as "my child can't behave and I'm in denial".

Rather the OP lost sympathetic replies once she started criticising the other lady who has been only friendly towards her, assuming she thinks she is "queen bee", joining in the bitching about the lady behind her back, criticising her daughter for being "compliant" and telling us how scared every other mother is of this lady.

I hope all the children of all the other mothers are not going to her party then, as they're obviously going to be afraid that she adult-supervises them to death or eats them.

Poor you, OP! It seems you've invoked the spirit of random bizarre flaming that so often occurs on MN.

Trust me, the more you try and explain yourself, the more rope you give them to hang you with.

You sound totally normal to me! My only advice is grit your teeth and try to ignore the other mum's behaviour.

And possibly give up on the thread. They're in a frenzy now and will not be sated by giving reasonable answers!

I actually know parents who make a show of telling others children off in front of their parents - as if it validates the perfection of their own.

My friends youngest DD is actually quite a spoiled child and can be whingy and annoying as hell! She has social problems (probably because of this!) and has made good friends with a girl who makes friends DD look like an angel!
Friend told me about this friend and her mums treatment of her DD. I'll be honest I was as thought 'your own DD is hardly an angel herself'. So I suggested next time they meet up invite me - I suggested to my friend as a way to support her but I did honestly want to see for myself because of knowing what her DD can be like iyswim?

My GOD! The mum of the other DD was on some kind of power trip. Her own DD whinged and swore at her yet ANYTHING my friends DD did that was below a level of perfect she picked up on and told her off for. She even told my friends DD off for saying she'd prefer the original eating place suggested when it was changed due to her own DD attitude.
My ds has ASD and is pretty quiet but when he first spoke an hour into the day to say he'd like to do that too (that was something friends DD had expressed an interest in) she told him firmly "well we don't always get what we want just because we ask and he should remember to say please if he actually wants his opinion considered" the sentence didn't even fit a please as friends DD said "X is just down from here I'd really like to have a look" and ds replied "oh yes that's a good idea - that sounds really interesting"

So anyway the point of my essay above is to show that just because a parent is picking up a child on their behaviour it doesn't mean they have extremely well behaved children themselves or that the other children aren't well behaved.

I wonder if this kid is a little shit at home and this mightier than tho attitude is the mums way of making herself feel better?

The party thing would not bother me, they are not friendly so would not have expected dd to be invited in turn your dd does not have to invite her dd.

I hate the word 'free spirit', to me it means prococious and not well behaved, if she has had to discipline your dd, where were you? Why did you not do it.

You don't have to be friends with her, I would decline her invites for coffee, be busy, or hectic at the moment and move on.

Since when are well behaved children described as "compliant"?

Sorry, missed a few exclamation marks.

!!!!!!

Op you sound the handful tbh. Good she's on top of her child's behaviour unlike you.

@OP

Just a thought

confident and extrovert = good

headstrong = not so good

dictionary.com: determined to have one's own way; willful; stubborn; obstinate

I don't let my dd dance and sing in the street because of the road. Near roads she knows to walk on the side away from the kerb and to look where she is going. She is more than welcome to sing and dance away from roads. Having seen a distracted child wander straight off a kerb more than once, imo streets aren't safe places for singing and dancing.

Now that my DC are older I love to meet up with my friends sans children for coffee etc. I now have little tolerance for head strong/rude/spirited/demanding children.

I haven't read the full thread but I am baffled as to why you need to ask? You said your daughters are friendly with each other but you are annoyed that due to how your daughter is the mum has taken a dislike so now you want to use your dislike of the mum to punish the child? So, you don't like that your daughter wasn't invited even though the two girls are friendly and knowing how you feel you want to do the same? that makes no sense.

I'm not at this stage yet but I will only have children my child likes regardless of whether their mum is a twat or not, its not the child's fault.