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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to make of this mum?

122 replies

lill72 · 16/09/2017 10:50

Sooooo I share the gymastics class run with another mum and her daughter.A few months back she told me all about her DD birthday party and how she could only invite 12 to the venue, which she said she was pleased about. ie not having to invite more. Then I find out through he DD that my DD was not invited. They are not best mates but definitely friendly.I thought i a bit odd that the mum told me all about the party The week of the party the mum invites me slightly randomly out for a coffee. It was a bit out of the blue. I went along.

Everytime she drops my DD and another one of their mates off, she tells my DD off for something. She has given a friends daughter a stern telling off in front of the mum. Her DD is very compliant - it seems like she has been trained into being so. The mum is very very tough. So she feels like she can judge other children that are not as compliant. My DD has always been a bit more free spirited and headstrong. He DD may have never been like this. She seems very quiet. Anyway the point of all this is that it seems like my DD is too much trouble for her. She never gets invited to playdates their anymore - she only seems to invite quiet, compliant children.

The strange thing is that she wants to have a relationship with me do coffees etc. I just find it a bit offensive that she seems to judge my daughter yet wants to be friendly to me. Seems a bit tactical to me. she is one of the alpha mums at school.

Sooooo.... my DD birhday is coming up. I want to keep numbers down and it would be easy to not invite this child but seems a bit tit for tat. They are friends. Oh what to do?

If your child doesn't get invited to a party, what do you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:57

Jon

Noooooo - she does not work. She chooses not to go.

She goes on weekend vacations to visit friends - nothing to do with work at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 11:58

This was not even the point of the post

It is in a way though isn't it? I have a friend who describes her DSs as free spirited. I've cut right back on play dates because their behaviour was starting to affect the friendship dynamic as a whole.

We are still good friends but we now only meet up for coffee once a month.

FlowerPot1234 · 16/09/2017 11:59

lill72

Flowerpot - no she refuses to let them go to a party if they have behaved badly. She told me.

You mean she parents them correctly and well, and does not let them go to a party or be treated when they have behaved badly, resulting in a well-behaved daughter who is not told off, unlike your badly-behaved daughter who is.

Confused

You sound like a nice person by the way.

Thank you. I am.

JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 12:00

Oh right I just saw you meant her working at the school functions. Apologies.

JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 12:03

no she refuses to let them go to a party if they have behaved badly. She told me.

What's wrong in that?! Hmm

Whether you find that strict is neither here nor there, she's obviously one of those rare parents who follows through with what she means!

I've also done this with my DD. She's turned into a well rounded individual who isn't emotionally scarred by it. Confused

Mittens1969 · 16/09/2017 12:04

@FlowerPot1234, you are making one heck of an assumption about a child you've only heard described online. Free spirited doesn't have to mean disobedient, even if it sometimes does.

And no, I wouldn't refuse to allow my DDs to go to a birthday party because it wouldn't be fair on the child whose birthday it is or on the mum who has organised it.

JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 12:05

The other mums make fun of this other mum - they are all scared of her

Bet they wouldn't make fun or her to her face. There was a posh mum at DCs primary. One in particular liked to take the piss out of her. Until it got to invite day and her kid got an invite, she was the first one there kissing her arse! Grin

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 16/09/2017 12:07

From what you have posted op I don't think it's the other Mum with the problem. So far you have told us:

• You talk about this other woman behind her back.

• You judge her personal parenting choices and find fault.

• You use your child's birthday as an opportunity to affirm and consolidate your social position with your friends and those of your younger child.

You might want to have a look closer to home about who is behaving badly. And maybe give up the social engineering?

C8H10N4O2 · 16/09/2017 12:07

Good grief, when did six yr olds singing and skipping in the street become 'bad behaviour'? Surely if they are paying attention that is all that matters.

Regarding party - its your DD's choice surely unless you see some specific problem with her choices?

JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 12:09

She goes on weekend vacations to visit friends

She is allowed a life outside of being a Mum.

FlowerPot1234 · 16/09/2017 12:09

Mittens1969

@FlowerPot1234, you are making one heck of an assumption about a child you've only heard described online. Free spirited doesn't have to mean disobedient, even if it sometimes does.

I didn't say it has to mean disobedient. As you say, sometimes it does. This appears to be one of those times, since the OP tells us her child is being told off for misbehaving.

And no, I wouldn't refuse to allow my DDs to go to a birthday party because it wouldn't be fair on the child whose birthday it is or on the mum who has organised it.

The OP did not say birthday parties, she said parties. The priority is to instill respect and good behaviour in your child. That means they do not get rewarded by treats and going to parties if they misbehave.

JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 12:12

Good grief, when did six yr olds singing and skipping in the street become 'bad behaviour'?

Well it generally doesn't does it? Which makes some people think that something else must be happening for the mum to tell the DD off for skipping. Unless of course said Mum is Mrs Trunchball.

HeyRoly · 16/09/2017 12:13

OP, I knew you'd get ripped to shreds for using the words "free-spirited and headstrong".

It doesn't matter what you meant by it, because once one poster says "your daughter sounds like a brat" everyone else enjoys piling on as well.

It's probably best if you exit the thread and ignore any future replies for the sake of your mental health. Mumsnet at its worst as ever Hmm

FWIW my DD is loud, headstrong and free-spirited. She isn't badly behaved (away from home that is ). I understood what you meant.

JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 12:16

Where has anyone called her kid a brat? Confused

Mittens1969 · 16/09/2017 12:16

I would find other ways to sanction them, like reducing pocket money or time out, grounding when they're older. Not something that affects other people whether birthday or not.

JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 12:20

That's your style of parenting Mittens not mine. I have only ever stopped DD from going to one party. She'd been a nightmare for over a month and none of the consequences were working. I warned her if she didn't stop, she wouldn't be able to go to the party. I followed through with it. I spoke to the Mum. Who was fine with it. I offered to pay back any cost for the party. Was told it wouldn't be necessary. DD has still always been invited to the same Childs birthday party every year since. Following through with what I had said had no lasting consequences.

FlowerPot1234 · 16/09/2017 12:20

Fair point Mittens1969. We don't know if this lady has done those steps already, or if the misbehaving was so bad, or if the timing of the misbehaving was just before a party though. Other steps would be better for other people concerned, but I can certainly see how refusing to allow a misbehaving child to not go to a party is a completely acceptable form of discipline.

JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 12:21

Oops. Sorry for the double post. Will ask MNHQ to delete.

CocaPolar · 16/09/2017 12:24

"I would deeply offend and upset my friend if her child was not invited as I have playdates with my younger DD and her younger DD."

Hmm how old are these people? Sounds like an awful lot of drama.

OP i have to say it does look like you are fulfilling your social needs at the cost of your dd's social experience. All manners of wrong.
And what is it with the caps lock? WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?

You sound like a drama lama.

CocaPolar · 16/09/2017 12:26

"l!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

lol

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2017 12:28

Well she might be strict and not let them go to parties but at least she's not went as far as deciding who her kid is allowed at her birthday party based on her own mates.

Then she really would have some issues.

HeyRoly · 16/09/2017 12:29

There's no need to get pedantic about my word choice JonSnowsWife. People have said, over and over, that headstrong and free-spirited is a euphemism for badly behaved. They've said that singing and skipping along the street is badly behaved. Although I was perfectly aware that no one used the specific word "brat", that word means badly behaved in my book.

The point I was trying to make was that the OP had no chance of sympathetic replies once people started interpreting her words as "my child can't behave and I'm in denial".

Which is pretty much exactly what's happened.

Mittens1969 · 16/09/2017 12:30

@FlowerPot1234, Yes I suppose it might come to that. I've threatened it before with a sleepover at their cousins' house but that was something my DSis did as well and we were working together. Neither of us had to follow through though.

existentialmoment · 16/09/2017 12:33

If your child doesn't get invited to a party, what do you do?

Barely notice? Not care in the slighest?

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