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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not know what to make of this mum?

122 replies

lill72 · 16/09/2017 10:50

Sooooo I share the gymastics class run with another mum and her daughter.A few months back she told me all about her DD birthday party and how she could only invite 12 to the venue, which she said she was pleased about. ie not having to invite more. Then I find out through he DD that my DD was not invited. They are not best mates but definitely friendly.I thought i a bit odd that the mum told me all about the party The week of the party the mum invites me slightly randomly out for a coffee. It was a bit out of the blue. I went along.

Everytime she drops my DD and another one of their mates off, she tells my DD off for something. She has given a friends daughter a stern telling off in front of the mum. Her DD is very compliant - it seems like she has been trained into being so. The mum is very very tough. So she feels like she can judge other children that are not as compliant. My DD has always been a bit more free spirited and headstrong. He DD may have never been like this. She seems very quiet. Anyway the point of all this is that it seems like my DD is too much trouble for her. She never gets invited to playdates their anymore - she only seems to invite quiet, compliant children.

The strange thing is that she wants to have a relationship with me do coffees etc. I just find it a bit offensive that she seems to judge my daughter yet wants to be friendly to me. Seems a bit tactical to me. she is one of the alpha mums at school.

Sooooo.... my DD birhday is coming up. I want to keep numbers down and it would be easy to not invite this child but seems a bit tit for tat. They are friends. Oh what to do?

If your child doesn't get invited to a party, what do you do?

OP posts:

BhajiAllTheWay · 16/09/2017 11:21

Ask your child. You don't have to do tit for tat. Mine invited some kids every year, never invited back and vice versa. As a previous poster said life's too short, it's not important to stress over.

Original poster

lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:22

coola - your DD is not allowed to sing in the street? If it;s not annoying anyone why no?

The freespirited thing has been taken all in the wrong way - wish Id never said it.

All I meant to say is that all children are different! That is true!

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 16/09/2017 11:23

Lill72, I get what you mean, her DD is too compliant. That was me as a child, my parents were super strict, too. It probably isn't that the mum doesn't like your DD, she's treating her the way she treats her own DD, which isn't on, as she's not her DD. If you don't want her doing, you need to either call her on it or just pull back from being close to het.

It doesn't sound like you like this lady very much, so why socialise with her. Re the party, your DD wasn't invited to her DD's party, so you're under no obligation to invite her to your DD's party. Just ask your DD if she wants her there. Simples.

Wdigin2this · 16/09/2017 11:24

You don't invite the child, and you don't go to coffee/chat to the other mum....end of!

supersop60 · 16/09/2017 11:24

There should be more singing and dancing in the street!
OP, just ask your dd who she would want and ask those people. Don't waste any more headspace on this other mum.

IHeartDodo · 16/09/2017 11:24

Is "compliant" the new negative way to say "well-behaved"?

BastardGoDarkly · 16/09/2017 11:25

What?! You're inviting people she's not very friendly with to her party?! For networking reasons?

Give your head a wobble love.

Original poster

lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:25

Bran - I think so too. Children are just different. I do feel this woman thinks she has superior parenting.

I am not going tit for tat - trying to get numbers down and not sure how to cut it. There are certain people that have to be invited.

OP posts:

Evelynismyspyname · 16/09/2017 11:25

My kids decide who to invite, though when younger I suggest they include people who've invited them ,(whole class parties aren't a thing here, but if they were I wouldn't expect them to invite those who'd had a whole class party to a small party unless of course they wanted to).

Your DD should invite whoever she likes, the other girl's mum is irrelevant.

I mostly try to avoid inviting hard work kids here to play, most parents do don't they? Unless there is a good reason. I want kids who are here to play with mine to just go and play and not wreck the place or squabble or say they are bored or break house rules.

Albinohedgehogs · 16/09/2017 11:26

Papafran yes to everything you said.

Free spirited and headstrong seems to be the view through the parent lens everyone else sees a stubborn, naughty child.

Sorry but it's true.

BarbarianMum · 16/09/2017 11:31

Not sure i agree with just letting a young child pick who they want/don't want to come. Mine were quite fickle at that age and weren't allowed to not invite a (who they played with all the time) just because that particular day they played more with p.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2017 11:31

Let your dd decide if she wants to invite this friend or not. The more friends your dd has, the better. You will see when your dd gets older whether or not she wants to stay friends with this girl. I talk to my dd a lot about friendships and how we treat eachother. She's in yr5 now and she's really starting to suss people out now. It does take a while.

Dd had all sorts of problems with a couple of friends and their parents when she was younger. Pretty judgemental and needlessly unkind to a 5 yr old. We tend to err toward doing play dates with friends, whose parents appreciate my dd as a person these days. I live in a village, where some people with a little bit of money and a naice house really are up themselves.

If you don't feel comfortable going out with the mother separately, don't. On the flip side, if you do continue, you may discover her reasons when you get to know her a little better her reasons. Although she may just be a lazy arse.

Mittens1969 · 16/09/2017 11:31

Branleuse, I agree. Why else are siblings different from each other sometimes if it's all down to parenting? Certain things are down to parenting, jumping on sofas, running riot in restaurants etc. But why not sing in the street?

Original poster

lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:32

My daughter is not badly behaved!!!!!! Ugh. People have got it all wrong. She played beautifully at a playdate the other day the mum said she can come any time.

How is headstrong badly behaved. Do you call headstrong adults badly behaved???

I dont have a problem with this compliant child - I like her. But think the upbringing to also make her compliant are a bit harsh.
Anyway this is off the topic.....

Easy to make a list but DD changes mind of friends daily!!!

OP posts:

MarthasHarbour · 16/09/2017 11:32

I can't get past this line:
The whole invite thing is tricky. There are certain people I need to invite as I am now very good mates with the mums and younger sibilng is with theirs, even if my DD is not that close to the person invited (ie may be a boy for instance) What do you do if you are in same situation?

Really?? You invite children your DAD isn't that close to because they are your mates? Can you not do something seperate with them and give your DD the party she wants with the friends she wants to invite?

ShellyBoobs · 16/09/2017 11:34

Free spirited and headstrong seems to be the view through the parent lens everyone else sees a stubborn, naughty child.

^^This

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2017 11:34

I've just read you're taking some spaces for children, your dd doesn't particularly want for your needs.

Sorry love, you're acting just like this mother by inviting, who you want. You sound like two peas in a pod.

Original poster

lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:37

Albion this is just not true. You clearly are one of those superior parents.

Goodness!!!! Children have different personalities - just like adults. Shall I say she is confident and an extrovert instead????

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 16/09/2017 11:38

Ask your daughter who she wants to invite.

Invite those kids.

Be friends with any mom you want. Go out for coffee without the kids or do play dates is the kids get on.

Don't invite "your" friends to your childs party. Invite them to yours.

I'M not a mom to school age yet so maybe I doubt get it but why are you scared of another mom?

gamerwidow · 16/09/2017 11:40

I let my DD chose who she wants at her party. It's not up to me to police her friendships based on how well I like their parents.
The mums I'm friendly with at the school do not always correspond with the children DD is friendly with. it's a shame but just because I like the parent it doesn't mean my DD has to want to be close friends with their child.

Original poster

lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:41

mummy - nooooo no no....
I am friends with some of the mums and the family. My DD is friendly with the child, but not best buddies.She is mates with them but because they are boys they are not best buddies. I would deeply offend and upset my friend if her child was not invited as I have playdates with my younger DD and her younger DD.

OP posts:

FlowerPot1234 · 16/09/2017 11:42

Her DD is very compliant - it seems like she has been trained into being so.

You mean her daughter is well-behaved, and it seems like she has been brought up well to be so.

The mum is very very tough.

You mean her mum doesn't let children get away with bad behaviour.

So she feels like she can judge other children that are not as compliant.

You mean she won't, as an adult, let children - her own or others' - get away with behaving badly or treating her poorly.

My DD has always been a bit more free spirited and headstrong

You mean your daughter is badly behaved.

Original poster

lill72 · 16/09/2017 11:42

IT IS NOT ABOUT HOW MUCH I LIKE THE PARENTS!!! Goodness.

OP posts:

user1483981877 · 16/09/2017 11:43

We all do this parenting lark in our own way, whatever works for us. I think we are doing each other a disservice by constantly judging each other's way of doing it. We are, surely, each just doing the best we can. Just give this other lady, her life, her job, her relationship with her daughter, her daughter a bit of space. Because it's all hers. You have your life, your job (if you work), your relationship with your daughter, your own child. Sheesh. Just because her mum works and can't attend school stuff and her daughter is sad, doesn't mean she needs you to swoop in and rescue her or that her daughter is scarred for life. There are far worse ways of scarring a child. Just reading what you have written makes me feel a bit suffocated. I think you need to back off OP. If you want to be friends with this woman, and it really doesn't sound like you do, just be friends with her, but please back off from judging her, you are coming across as very pious.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2017 11:44

The whole invite thing is tricky. There are certain people I need to invite as I am now very good mates with the mums and younger sibilng is with theirs, even if my DD is not that close to the person invited (ie may be a boy for instance) What do you do if you are in same situation

This is terrible. It's not your party it's your daughters. For goodness sake let her have who she chooses there. If you want a party for yourself have one, stop hi jacking your own child's.

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