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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague won't tell me what the problem is?

303 replies

grimmm · 16/09/2017 08:37

A 2 year friendship with a senior male colleague ended in a drunken Saturday night fall out a couple of weeks ago. In the heat of it he said I would lose my job as I'd "clearly lost the plot" etc- I dismissed this as the drink talking and emotions running high. I sent him a text the next day wishing him well etc. No reply. He didnt turn in for work on a weeks sick leave. On his return I asked him if he was OK, only to be met with "Ive been advised not to speak to you, we're not to have contact". Presumed I would hear something from a HR or a superior but nothing. After a week I sent an email, keeping it professional but asking for clarity any grievance he had. No reply. 2 weeks of being ignored pass and I confront him in person about the nature of any disciplinary coming my way- he has told me he isnt having contact with me "on the advice of the boss and will report this contact to boss."

AIBU to ask his manager what this is all about? How hes handling it feels pretty degrading too. AIBU to worry?

OP posts:
Original poster
grimmm · 16/09/2017 10:38

Thanks everyoneSmile

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 16/09/2017 10:38

you really have lost it, youll lose your job because of this" "do you understand why Im so cross?" I didnt understand because when youre drunk you dont understand things like that

You have to be pretty fucking drunk to not understand why someone is telling you you might lose your job.

Odd.

cordeliavorkosigan · 16/09/2017 10:39

I think you are potentially vulnerable to him claiming that you sexually harassed him or behaved inappropriately in some other way (even though it doesn't sound like that's the case!).
You should probably approach HR, your own boss or someone else who could help, at work -- describe what has happened, ask for advice etc.

Penny4UrThoughts · 16/09/2017 10:45

Hmm

It's possible that he is saying this to put the shits up you, and he hasn't said anything to anyone.

If he HAS said something, clearly the boss isn't planning on taking it further, otherwise they would have spoken to you by now. He's probably not wanting to get involved, and has told the other guy to avoid you so that the boss doesn't have to get involved with something that isn't actually work related. Boss is probably hoping it will blow over.

I'm not convinced you have anything to gain by raising it with boss/HR tbh.

XiCi · 16/09/2017 10:46

Surely if he had made a formal complaint you would have heard by now. Sounds like his boss has advised him not to speak to you as he has been so upset about the situation. I think you need to accept that the friendship is over and leave him alone.

However the 'you've lost the plot, you'll lose your job over this' conversation sounds like you have done more than just say you don't want a relationship. What led to him saying this?

Bizzysocks · 16/09/2017 10:53

I wouldn't go to HR as they may not have been informed. I would ask his boss face to face if a complaint has been made and if they are taking it further. The boss has likely said "stay away from her" then thought nothing more about it as it's not a work issue.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 16/09/2017 10:55

OP, I think what people are struggling with is that you have given no details on what made your colleague/friend state you have lost the plot. That's not something you say unless the other person has said or acted in a perceived unreasonable way. That's the information that is missing.

cordeliavorkosigan · 16/09/2017 10:56

I don't know, I'd be worried that "you'll lose your job over this" is a threat and should be taken seriously- shouldn't HR, OP's boss or someone know at work?

pinkbraces · 16/09/2017 11:02

OP posted a question, work on what she has given or leave the thread
OP is under no obligation to give any further info, why all the hounding. Some nasty fuckers on here.

OP - either go to HR or just leave it. My assumption is that he is embarrassed and is going on the attack because of this. Ignore and get on with your life.

Miserylovescompany2 · 16/09/2017 11:04

By the sound of things and reading between the lines - boundary lines have been blurred somewhere along the way? As the say goes - Never mix business with pleasure...

Does he have form for this? If so - maybe he's backtracking like hell and trying to shift the blame onto you?

Especially if he is in a senior position of trust.

namechangedforthisreply · 16/09/2017 11:06

Still think pertinent details have been left out

DaisysStew · 16/09/2017 11:19

I don't know if you should be worried as I'm still not sure what's happened.

You and he were close friends, you went on a work do, he said he wanted a relationship and you said no. Then he said you'd lost the plot and we're going to lose your job - why? This is what's confusing me, either something major has happened that you're leaving out or he's unhinged. If it's the second why are you concerned- what trouble could you possibly get in for rejecting someone's advances?

The only advice I can offer with so little information is to speak to HR or his manager and let them know what's going on from your perspective.

Mollie85 · 16/09/2017 11:20

Op is there any way you can give us a time line to make sense of it and rather than omitting things specify what you don't remember, e.g:

  1. Have known colleague two years
  2. Decided after mutual break ups that we would both just be friends
  3. Went on a night out...
LilaBard · 16/09/2017 11:25

FWB gone wrong, I'm guessing? Of course not our business OP if you don't wish to share, but you definitely need to cut it off at the pass with HR regardless

BhajiAllTheWay · 16/09/2017 11:26

you'll lose your job because of what though??? Confused I'm lost.

Wdigin2this · 16/09/2017 11:26

Go straight to HR, explain what's been happening, and insist on clarification. Talk to your union reps about it first, and/or ask them to go with you to HR.

supersop60 · 16/09/2017 11:30

I'm going to guess that OP did or said something utterly horrendous, and is ashamed to tell us, OR was too drunk to remember.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/09/2017 11:31

if his boss has told him not to speak to you it's because his behaviour towards you could be construed as sexual harassment and he has been instructed to back off before you make a complaint about him.

Wow. You got all that from the Ops limited posts. Hmm

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/09/2017 11:32

Still think pertinent details have been left out

Yep me too.

Tinty · 16/09/2017 11:35

You didn't answer my question OP. Did you have sex with him? Or kiss him etc. Do you know what you did?

Is this the pertinent information that you are leaving out?

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2017 11:37

Op, you have given no details about what the argument was about or why he said those things, simply he said them. That's the detail missing and it's unintelligable with out that detail. If you don't say, no one knows if he is being a twat or reasonable.

Alittlepotofrosie · 16/09/2017 11:45

So basically you turned him down and hes being a massive dick about it?

WellThisIsShit · 16/09/2017 11:47

Get your story straight.

Go to HR to ask if there has been an issue reported involving you.

But if you do, you really need an adequate explanation that doesn't make you look very dodgy indeed.

Be prepared for a story with so many holes in it, with loads of random and extraneous detail then massive chunks missed out to be questioned.

VladmirsPoutine · 16/09/2017 11:49

Alittlepotofrosie I'm wondering if it's actually the other way round.

yesiamgoingtoeatthat · 16/09/2017 11:52

I'm still confused OP - what happened or was said immediately before he said your job was at risk? And what happened or was said immediately before he said you were unhinged? It really isn't clear at all.

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