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Original poster

How would you have handled this because I fucked it up royally

111 replies

flythewindmill · 15/09/2017 22:20

I am at the end of my tether with my two boys and so utterly fed up of situations escalating in seconds so would like to ask how others would have handled the situation outlined below.

It was yesterday evening. I had picked them up from after school club and they had reading, spellings and music practice to do before bed. I am a lp and have quite a stressful job that usually requires me to work in the evenings after they have gone to bed.

Here is what happened:
I sent them both to read independently while I unloaded the dishwasher - they knew they would both have to read the last two pages aloud to me. Ds2(7) came to me to read aloud - all fine, and I told him to go and do some piano practice as he had his first lesson after the summer the next day and we hadn't done much over the summer Blush.

Ds1 (9) came in and said he had nearly finished a chapter with 2 pages left. There was no way he had as it was about 20 pages long and a complex book and he had been reading about 5 minutes max. I asked him some questions about what he had read and he flew into a rage. I told him to read and he sat there huffing and puffing, not reading, red-faced and teary.

Meanwhile, ds2 did a scale in about 8 seconds and said he had done. I told him to practise the last piece he had done and he immediately started shouting and wailing that he couldn't do it. I tried to sit and help him but he was wailing so much it was hard to stay calm - though I did.

So in less than a minute they are both screeching - the noise is ridiculous - and I am trying hard to stay calm. but am angry that they won't do as they are told and meet basic expectations.

I ended up in tears Blush. At that point, ds1 went to help ds2 at the piano and they did a few bars. He then read a couple of pages to me well and it was all over. I am left feeling like it was a ridiculous situation that I should have been able to prevent, but I can't see how. I don't want to give in to them as soon as they 'start' and I did stay calm for what felt like a long time after they did. I also feel I have to make up for the time they spend with ex (a couple of evenings a week) when they do very very little.

Any advice? I feel so bad about not being with them all the time, and hate that this is so often what happens when they are with me. If it's relevant both are doing very well at school, but I do feel they don't read enough, or as much as they used to, and I am always worrying that they won't fulfil their potential as a result of our divorce.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 15/09/2017 22:22

They are young. Do they not get any free time. That's a lot of homework.

TheSnowFairy · 15/09/2017 22:24

Ok. I would drop the music practice, especially if the piano hasn't been touched over summer.

Hold your ground on the others - sounds like your DC's set each other off.

Don't beat yourself up too much Flowers

Starlighter · 15/09/2017 22:25

They sound like they're very tired. Are they getting enough sleep and/or down time?

WooWooSister · 15/09/2017 22:30

Were they tired? Hungry? If DS blows up like that, he's either one or the other.

Dulra · 15/09/2017 22:30

Tbh they sound tired. Can they not do their reading at after school club? It just may be too late for them when you are all home i dont think grilling a 9 year old on what he just read is fair. He's 9 he's concentrating on reading so what if he's not taking it in. I think you need to go easier on them and easier on you xx

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 15/09/2017 22:30

I wonder if they are tired? I know a few children who are struggling with the school days (esp if they're doing after school club too) after the holidays

Original poster
flythewindmill · 15/09/2017 22:31

God knows whether they get enough sleep. When with me they have an early start and ds2 won't go to sleep until ds1 does, so probably not Sad.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 15/09/2017 22:31

I really wouldn't stress , are they behind at school if not let them off occasionally . If they don't want to practice then stop the music lessons . We used to do spellings in the car on the way to school ( and times tables when they did them) . Ds was never a reader until he left university , I read to him .

beesandknees · 15/09/2017 22:32

OP I get you
I have a similar setup though only 1 DS. Music practice in particular sets off this kind of reaction sometimes. And I agree sometimes you worry that they do nothing at dad's. It feels like a lot of pressure.

I don't think you actually fucked up tbh - just that you got upset when you were trying not to. It sounds like you have really high expectations, of yourself and them. I wonder if you can't lower your requirements of your DC (the academic stuff I mean) and kinder to yourself here.

I'd drop music. Honestly, and I say that as a music mum. Sounds like they can already read music and do scales, once they have that literacy they can always come back to music when they are older.

Let them do their reading and spelling, that's important. And beyond that, focus on playing with them in the evenings instead. Games are more educational than piano scales. Really.

They need emotional attention more than anything academic. You can be stupid at school, but if you have emotional intelligence that will see you right. Stop thinking about "potential". Stop thinking about how much they "should" be doing. Just focus on the basics in terms of academics, and on playing with them and really "seeing" them because it's those last two things that will make them happy adults.

Also just remember, it is the start of the school year still, everyone's children are tired, fucked off and adjusting to it not being summer anymore x

KeyChange · 15/09/2017 22:33

That's not a royal royal fuck up. Be kinder to yourself.

They'll be okay cos they've got a mum who obviously cares. Don't put too much pressure on yourself x

beesandknees · 15/09/2017 22:34

and I agree they probably are exhausted. It's darker earlier now and that also makes kids feel tiredness more. Sleep is more beneficial to children than any academic exercises!

Apileofballyhoo · 15/09/2017 22:40

Sounds like the 3 of you are tired and stressed. Do they have a bit of winding down time when they get home or is it straight into the homework? I find DS (9) likes time on his own to do his own thing when he comes in from anywhere, and if I start at him he gets stressed and snappy.

Balaboosteh · 15/09/2017 22:44

It sounds totally normal to me. LP as well so realistic. Seriously don't imagine that there is some parallel universe where it is all cool and smooth. Really, sounds like normal family life. You're doing fine! And don't give up music practice! It's never easy but so so worth it. Good luck.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 15/09/2017 22:45

It's very hard with music practice. People saying "don't bother" is all very well but there is no point learning at all if you don't practice every day.
Ds is currently doing grade 6 piano, grade 5 theory and grade 3 violin so I feel your pain.
I would let them get in, eat and drink and then focus on getting music done. The reading can wait til they are in bed, and they get 15 extra minutes with the light on if they read ie it's a treat.

Apileofballyhoo · 15/09/2017 22:48

And just to say, sometimes it takes me getting cross and teary before DS co-operates... Even though I try to give fair warning about me being tired/stressed and in danger of losing it. He hates to see me upset, poor fellow. But I think it's actually a good thing when they see you have real limits. There's a book called 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' which my friend found great for getting his kids to co-operate. And take it easy with yourself too. You're only human and they sound like they really love their Mum and don't want to upset you, so you must be doing a good job.

IWantABlueBanana · 15/09/2017 23:03

You haven't fucked up royally at all. Is the music compulsary? If not, I'd drop that. My two oldest prefer to read their books in bed/just to themselves. Both good readers, so I'd rather focus on doing maths which isnt our schools hot point tbh

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 15/09/2017 23:03

Why make them do music if they're not enjoying it?

Aintgotnosoapbox · 15/09/2017 23:03

I don't want to give advice as it's hard, but one thing I have learned as I am now very old, is that children want presence and love. Sit with them, do the reading with them. Then do the dishwasher with them and get ready for bed with them.

MrsLupo · 15/09/2017 23:04

Agree with Balaboosteh, sounds totally normal. You sound like you're doing rather better than most, in fact, as regards clear instructions and expectations, routines, etc. My kids are really good, hardworking kids, but escalate from grumbling to melting down just as easily as this, especially in the first or last week of term, when they're overtired.

I disagree with those suggesting giving up the piano. If you want them to learn it at all (and presumably you do), there's a pain barrier to be gone through in terms of habit/routine and finding what motivates your child. Very few of them play - still less practise - for pleasure at the lower grades. But if you persevere, suddenly one day they do, and they'll thank you for giving them the keys to that kingdom, however much they may have hated the journey there. Little and often, and make it a routine so entrenched no one even thinks about it. I agree with the pp who suggested doing it first and getting it out of the way.

Chin up. Flowers

Sara107 · 15/09/2017 23:05

I've no advice, except to say that my DD is 7, nearly 8 and has recently become very moody and volatile. She really wants to do piano lessons, but practice at home ALWAYS results in a row. Suggesting she drops the lessons also causes hysterics. The fact that the other children doing lessons at school are progressing faster than her also causes devastation. If I explain that they are probably practising more, well....I think that this is an age where the child can see things they want to be able to do ( eg play the piano) but aren't quite mature enough to understand the amount of time and effort it actually takes to achieve that. And they're old enough to realise how unskilled they are (a 2 yr old will happily just hammer away making a noise with no idea that it sounds shit). So it's all a bit frustrating and overwhelming.

HeddaGarbled · 15/09/2017 23:06

My view is that the expectation to read as a set task at a set time not of their choice with the expectation that they will be tested on it is the reason they don't read for pleasure much anymore.

They have to do their homework and if that's 10 minutes of reading twice a week or whatever, they'll have to do it (though their teachers will never know if they don't make the full 10 minutes) but I wouldn't make a major task out of it. The most pleasurable way to read is in bed and at weekends and holidays, when you have the time and head space to enjoy it properly.

SabineUndine · 15/09/2017 23:08

Were they competing for your attention? Just a thought.

flupi · 15/09/2017 23:08

For a start don't stop the piano lessons. They're the one thing they'll thank you for when they're older. Just because they haven't practiced in the summer means nothing- it's normal.
Maybe they would like you to sit with them one to one and read to you. Less of a chore, more of a bonding time.
Slow down ... breathe.... and make homework tasks fun and time to spend with you rather than one more thing to tick off the list. And yes, not when they're tired.

Original poster
flythewindmill · 15/09/2017 23:13

Thanks for all the kind words and tips - I thought I may have got flamed for crying in front of them.

Music is not something I want them to give up as I don't want to look back and think they can't play an instrument because we got divorced so there wasn't time to practise. Also, if I suggest stopping they protest.

The reading is frustrating as neither of them reads independently much anymore - though they used to avidly. If they still did I would happily ease up on the school reading. As it is, I feel I have to insist and read aloud to them as well, so it's a lot to fit in and I need it all done by 8pm at the latest.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 15/09/2017 23:16

I'm surprised to read your OP because I was expecting more carnage for a royal fuck up - that's just a regular night in many households Flowers

I don't think you should give up music necessarily. I had a proper meltdown over practice recently, and I spent the whole evening talking through with a friend how I could have done it better. Should I threaten to cancel lessons? Am I just forcing her into it? I felt awful, pushy, pressuring... next morning she spontaneously asked to take her violin to school as another girl sometimes practises in school time. She skipped in saying she felt like Julie Andrews. Then after school she told me she'd asked to play her piece in show and tell Confused All that stressing the night before about my terrible parenting!

What I would do differently is what I have learned... sometimes, it's all going pear shaped and I remind myself that it really really doesn't matter. I have actually said "this isn't working tonight, is it?". Every now and then, it doesn't matter if stuff doesn't get done. So your 9yo didn't feel like reading? Neither do I, sometimes Smile I have found that it hasn't created a precedence to sometimes bin it all off.

Btw, I'm also divorced and mine does nothing at her father's! I feel your pain!