How would you have handled this because I fucked it up royally

[flythewindmill]

I am at the end of my tether with my two boys and so utterly fed up of situations escalating in seconds so would like to ask how others would have handled the situation outlined below.

It was yesterday evening. I had picked them up from after school club and they had reading, spellings and music practice to do before bed. I am a lp and have quite a stressful job that usually requires me to work in the evenings after they have gone to bed.

Here is what happened:
I sent them both to read independently while I unloaded the dishwasher - they knew they would both have to read the last two pages aloud to me. Ds2(7) came to me to read aloud - all fine, and I told him to go and do some piano practice as he had his first lesson after the summer the next day and we hadn't done much over the summer .

Ds1 (9) came in and said he had nearly finished a chapter with 2 pages left. There was no way he had as it was about 20 pages long and a complex book and he had been reading about 5 minutes max. I asked him some questions about what he had read and he flew into a rage. I told him to read and he sat there huffing and puffing, not reading, red-faced and teary.

Meanwhile, ds2 did a scale in about 8 seconds and said he had done. I told him to practise the last piece he had done and he immediately started shouting and wailing that he couldn't do it. I tried to sit and help him but he was wailing so much it was hard to stay calm - though I did.

So in less than a minute they are both screeching - the noise is ridiculous - and I am trying hard to stay calm. but am angry that they won't do as they are told and meet basic expectations.

I ended up in tears . At that point, ds1 went to help ds2 at the piano and they did a few bars. He then read a couple of pages to me well and it was all over. I am left feeling like it was a ridiculous situation that I should have been able to prevent, but I can't see how. I don't want to give in to them as soon as they 'start' and I did stay calm for what felt like a long time after they did. I also feel I have to make up for the time they spend with ex (a couple of evenings a week) when they do very very little.

Any advice? I feel so bad about not being with them all the time, and hate that this is so often what happens when they are with me. If it's relevant both are doing very well at school, but I do feel they don't read enough, or as much as they used to, and I am always worrying that they won't fulfil their potential as a result of our divorce.

I would also consider the resurrecting the naughty step/time out thing if you used it. Tell them if they're going to behave like toddlers by screeching, then you'll treat them like toddlers. Mine just sat on the floor somewhere out of reach of each other and were usually best friends again within a few minutes.

Lone parent here. Two points:

1. You are overcompensating for your divorce. You need to settle with that, know that they will be fine and let things be ordinary. They won't end up depressed layabouts with no job if you loosen the reins a bit. I can say this with confidence as a single parent and child of a single parent. We have this nailed I tell you. Your anxiety about that comes through your emails and I think that's your issue.

1. Stop doing so much. Swimming followed by dance plus shopping is too much on a day when they are already exhausted from the week. More lolling around and fun family time is needed. Get a takeaway or eat toast and watch a film together. I'd love my dcs to practise their instruments but they don't because I also need them to relax and for us to enjoy being together and for them to enjoy each other. That won't happen unless they have time to just hang out together.

Thats my take - although what you describe also sounds very normal so don't worry about that either.

Let them argue. If they bicker, remind them that they need to sort it out between themselves. Ask them to find their own solutions "So DS1 wants to watch X and DS2 wants to watch Y - how are you two going to come up with a comprise?" (e.g. DS2 watches Y and then plays football with DS1). Help them to implement their solutions. Only referee if they are getting physical with each other.

They seem very busy - and it sounds like some of their spare time is spent with their dad. How much time do they get to just...be?

It also sounds like you are being really tough on yourself and are judging yourself very hard. Your boys won't be failures if they choose to stop dancing or decide that they only want to be musical tinklers instead of working through the grades. Who knows where their interests will lead them as they grow-up.

Swimming AND dance, in the morning? That's too much.

I agree with a previous poster that children do too many activities nowadays. They don't get time to just be. To learn to amuse themselves, to relax. Their days are TOO structured, which then leads to them not knowing what to do with themselves if for some reason, they have nothing on.

It's also incredibly expensive. The money could be better used on joint family activities.

You can't generalise that to all children.

Mine does swimming and gymnastics on the same day - she loves them. They're not lessons as much as just fun activities. You may as well say to her that it is too much ride her bike AND go to the park on the same day.

She may do two classes in one day but she's spent all day entertaining herself today.

I don't think the OP needs to feel bad for "over scheduling".

You just need to know your own child - and remember to be flexible about dropping things on the days when they are too tired.

I don't get the impression that the OP is scheduling things in because they are 'fun' Elisandra, but rather to assuage her guilt at being divorced.

Be careful that you even have 'basic expectations.' That language concerns me.

Your kids are doing way too much and I think you are way to anxious. You are worried that they're not going to get a job?! That's years away! You worry about filling in the book reading record? I forget it exists half the time! I have never been a pushy mother and all my dc's have flourished. Take your foot off the gas.

Also I never went to swimming lessons as a child outside of school and I am an excellent swimmer. Ditch the swimming lessons.

Relax, relax, relax. You are doing fine!

Just one thing, maybe prioritise doing stuff together rather than you doing the dishwasher and the dc reading by themselves... my dc would have tried to slide out of that as well! Perhaps they could help you with the dishwasher and then take turns to read to you, cuddled up on the sofa. Then, almost more important, they can chat to you about the book. I work with children of this age, and if they are obliged to read a certain amount they often fly through it without really understanding it and this will cause problems later (also they won't learn to really enjoy reading).

Agree with others, you are overdoing everything.
Have food delivered, keep meals simple and spend more time with them and relax. They need love and fun too.