How would you have handled this because I fucked it up royally

[flythewindmill]

I am at the end of my tether with my two boys and so utterly fed up of situations escalating in seconds so would like to ask how others would have handled the situation outlined below.

It was yesterday evening. I had picked them up from after school club and they had reading, spellings and music practice to do before bed. I am a lp and have quite a stressful job that usually requires me to work in the evenings after they have gone to bed.

Here is what happened:
I sent them both to read independently while I unloaded the dishwasher - they knew they would both have to read the last two pages aloud to me. Ds2(7) came to me to read aloud - all fine, and I told him to go and do some piano practice as he had his first lesson after the summer the next day and we hadn't done much over the summer .

Ds1 (9) came in and said he had nearly finished a chapter with 2 pages left. There was no way he had as it was about 20 pages long and a complex book and he had been reading about 5 minutes max. I asked him some questions about what he had read and he flew into a rage. I told him to read and he sat there huffing and puffing, not reading, red-faced and teary.

Meanwhile, ds2 did a scale in about 8 seconds and said he had done. I told him to practise the last piece he had done and he immediately started shouting and wailing that he couldn't do it. I tried to sit and help him but he was wailing so much it was hard to stay calm - though I did.

So in less than a minute they are both screeching - the noise is ridiculous - and I am trying hard to stay calm. but am angry that they won't do as they are told and meet basic expectations.

I ended up in tears . At that point, ds1 went to help ds2 at the piano and they did a few bars. He then read a couple of pages to me well and it was all over. I am left feeling like it was a ridiculous situation that I should have been able to prevent, but I can't see how. I don't want to give in to them as soon as they 'start' and I did stay calm for what felt like a long time after they did. I also feel I have to make up for the time they spend with ex (a couple of evenings a week) when they do very very little.

Any advice? I feel so bad about not being with them all the time, and hate that this is so often what happens when they are with me. If it's relevant both are doing very well at school, but I do feel they don't read enough, or as much as they used to, and I am always worrying that they won't fulfil their potential as a result of our divorce.

I agree, this is a normal scene in most (all?) households.

Also, DC sound tired. Would it be possible to do music practice & reading earlier in the evening?

In yoyr place, I would send one to the piano while the other sits with me in the kitchen to read. Then switch.

You say you need everything done by 8pm - that's a really long day for 7 & 9 year olds, you've got them putting in an 11 hour shift!

Relax a little, my DCs wouldn't cope with that at all, I don't think there's many that would.

Please don't give up on music! I was one of those children who had to be pushed and did only bare minimum practice to stumble through each lesson. After not touching a piano for decades while I was busy with exams, uni, work, then marriage & babies, I have gone back to the piano with incredible enthusiasm. I now average over 2 hours of practice per day and I am eternally grateful to my parents who gave me the gift of piano lessons although I was reluctant at the time.

Music is now a big part of my life and this is only possible in my 40s, I am told by teachers, because neural pathways & eye-hand coordination in my brain were established when I was a child.

Please keep at it

I've got two boys and not enough sleep is probably the single main thing that creates noise and problems. Mine are 12 & 9 and on school nights they go to bed at 9 & 8 and get up at 7. When they go to bed later at weekends and school holidays the difference can be huge in their behaviour.

You need to accept your divorce and stop comparing what is, to some mythical fantasy version of what should have been.

I gave up on music as a child and it hasn't bothered me a jot!

Unless your kids rather than you really want to play piano ditch it. It's too much and they will stop playing themselves the moment they can. No one is going to think you are bad parent because you kids can't play music. Unless they have a desire and/or aptitude it's a completely useless skill. Been pushed to learn piano just made me hate it.

Don't give up!! You sound amazing. Just try and stay cheerful and have some little treats to look forward to. Sorry if I've missed it, but I would offer some telly and hot chocolate before bed after everything's done.

Fwiw I let dd2 give up violin when she hit a bad patch and she really, really regrets it!

That's too much to be doing on a Friday night. Can you get up earlier to do the reading? Or before they sleep? Doesn't sound like any quality homework got done so is it worth the battles?

Yeah maybe have Friday nights off?

I'm so grateful for all these replies. Without sounding ungracious, I have tried many of the suggestions offered but it's hard to be consistent with these things when they live at two very different places - and we're out of routine after the summer...

Just to clarify, this happened on Thursday evening (and something very similar happened on Tuesday too). We never do school stuff/music on a Friday or Saturday!

I think I need the confidence to let go the reins a little bit on what they do, but every time I decide to, I get scared that it will result in them failing everything at school and never getting a job. Or something .

I have threatened many times to cancel music if they don't practise and they always get upset. I have found ds1 has got easier with it over the last year and I have realised that telling him that practising is in itself makes it a success, not being perfect. That mindset has had a positive impact. Ds2 is different, but very stubborn and tends to get it stuck in his head that he is doing it right when I know different, but I have learnt to back off and let him do it his way. I do believe they both want to keep on playing.

With reading, I do read aloud to them in the last hour before bed - their bedtime is now too late for me to do it when they're in bed as I have to work when they're in bed. They do both read independently - magazines, 'trashy' books, sports fixture programmes etc so I keep considering dropping the school books - or just leaving it up to them- and just read aloud to them. Both are free readers and were said to above expectations at reading & writing last report. But I would feel awful not writing in the record book. Also, ds1 has been told he has to read 10 books by Christmas and I don't think we'd get through that many (though he could get through 10 #Wimpy Kids easily and write those down, but what's the point of that?)

I did this with swimming - it was a nightmare and they were getting nowhere so we stopped lessons for over a year. I couldn't take them either as I can't swim. Now they have started again and are much more motivated and doing really well, so maybe it would be similar with reading - and they're not even behind at that...

Bedtime is a problem as I think ds2 needs to go earlier but he has got in the habit of sleeping with ds1 in his bed (although they have separate rooms) and now won't even try to go to sleep until ds1 comes up. I need to tackle it, but don't know how to begin.

I totally sympathise with you, having been a single parent myself for a period of time. I have no more advice to offer than what has already been suggested, but you sound an amazing mother. Your children will be fine, but I suggest you should try to give them more 'down' time - they could maybe leave the music for now if there's an issue with practice. I had music lessons with mine Friday after school, it got to be such a hassle and issues with practice, we dropped it. I would also be careful about too much pressure with the reading, I know schools are inflexible on the reading homework, but some nights it just can be too much for them. You could always exp;lain the situation to the class teachers to see if there's some leeway on this.Maybe do more at the weekend when everyone is more relaxed? You have so many pressures on you, give yourself and the children some space - all will be fine.

Oh god I have the school reading book to be filled in 3x a week.
Fun fun fun when she's with her dad some weeks who is barely literate himself - spelt the teacher's name wrong this week

My child reads loads. The school books (though she gets to choose) are dull as fuck. I don't doubt they're more carefully constructed for developing literacy than "My Sister the Vampire" but they are still dull.

You know what? I don't do the reading record and I feel no guilt. She reads a reasonable amount. She does OK at school. We always do good quality homework and spellings. Last week I took her to the British Museum to see something related to school work. I'm a good, involved and loving parent. But I feel zero guilt for her having an empty reading record - but has done a swimming lesson, a gymnastics session, and managed her violin practice.

You're doing OK, they're doing OK. If it makes you feel better, write in the book "X is free reading at home and regularly reads to me and alone, he also reads at both homes so the record is not practical". Then forget about it.

he could get through 10 #Wimpy Kids easily and write those down, but what's the point of that?

You're determined to make life hard for yourself, aren't you?

We have had scenes like these , I'm sure lots of us have.
I like the idea of a list/ timetable of non negotiables as suggested by po.
I found the children could be very tired and sick of conforming all day by the evening and would suggest piano practice in the morning .
Obviously essential homework has to be done and a slot found in the week for it but I would lay off non essentials... read to them by all means but I try not to make the evenings all about work.

Well. today has turned into a disaster zone now too. Morning was fine - swimming, some telly, dance lesson. Had to do weekly shop on the way home but they stayed in the car and I was super quick. DS1 persuaded ds2 to play football when they got back but as soon as they walked through the door ds2 refused (predictably, he hates football).

Within seconds ds1 is roaring and screaming. He wants me to play football but I have laundry, shopping to put away and kitchen and bathroom to clean. He tells me I'm the worst mum ever and he hates me. I send him to his room to calm down. He tries to compromise but ds2 has slid into a sulk and is saying everyone hates him. I am so tired.

I've told ds1 to watch some tv and promised to play football tomorrow morning - I always feel a lot less tired on a Sunday and try and make sure there are few chores left to do. Then ds2 wants to watch MLP but ds1 wants to watch space documentary - they are so fucking different from each other, which makes it all so much harder. We only have one tv (think I may change that soon, despite feeling they watch too much as it is) and apparently there is nothing ds2 would like to watch/do on his Kindle, despite having to be surgically removed from it usually - he must be on the telly that ds1 is now watching.

So ds2 is in a sulk, ds2 is desperately trying to get him out of it as he is a people pleaser, and I am hiding here trying to summon the energy to do one of the many chores I have to do and/or try and sort out the situation. It's not meant to be this hard surely?

It's too much in one evening, at the end of a long week, after just starting the new term. If we've done some kind of club after school then that's pretty much it. Cartoons/tv, drawing/art, playing with Lego would be a nice end of week wind-down for them. I would have let them take it easy and do a bit of reading in bed before turning the lights off. Piano in the morning. I think kids are so pressurised these days, and it's easy to feel pressured as a parent, to get them to do above and beyond what is really fair on them. The way you've described what they did, it just sounds like frustration and exhaustion. I always think of the kids' extra curricular stuff across the week, and balance out the different days with outdoorsy, brainy, physical, and downtime. At their age I wouldn't really have them reading to me on demand, it makes it a task. Read to them, and let them read alone in bed or in a cosy space. A thing I started doing to get my eldest into the next age group/stage of fiction, was to read a few chapters to him, set the scene, and once he was into it then tell him that if he wants to know what happens next he can read on by himself, or read to me while I'm doing stuff if he wants to make it a shared enjoyment type thing. Mostly he'll just curl up and keep himself to himself.

Sorry just seen your update. Still seems too much. After swimming my kids are knackered. Did they both do swimming, plus dance? Get your shopping delivered. I get that it's really hard to find a balance and to fit everything in. Don't beat yourself up about it. None of this is outside of being normal. Just feels very crappy when you're the parent on the receiving end. It can all be such a thankless task at times, you can't win every weekend!

How is Wimpy Kid somehow not real reading? I agree with pp that you seem to be wanting to make this as difficult as possible. You do know that you're going to end up making them hate reading?

Swimming and dance in a single morning? And then groceries? Again why are you making this as difficult as you can?

Seriously you need to start allowing these children some space to breathe...

Shopping can be delivered...

Please pull yourself way way back on the expectations and start allowing your children a lot more down time. You are not helping them, right now, by overscheduling them like this.

And for the love of God, don't force them to read books they aren't interested in, when there are already books that they enjoy reading! That is literally the best way to ensure they learn to hate reading! Can't you see that?

What is motivating you to make them read specific types of books? Are you worried the teacher will think you aren't posh enough or something? Serious question!

Kids do far too many activities these days. It's sad, but if they really don't want to do music practice then ditch it. I've been there; DS went from a full diary of sports, drama, languages and music to absolutely zero. Hopefully, if they've had the grounding they can pick it up voluntarily later. You sound like a good mum and you're doing you're best.

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It just sounds like you're trying to cram too much in. I know not everyone can but could you work less? Or get a cleaner? Online shopping? Buy yourself some time and do less with it, not more.

It sounds like a lot of activities to me too.

What happens if they have friends around for a couple of hours? We tended to do less activities and more playing with friends. I think you are maybe worrying to much about them fulfilling their potentials and not enough about enjoying your time with them. I always thought my DC were better at amusing themselves than their friends that did lots of activities. However I don't know if that was a bit of a chicken or egg situation. I.e. I had kids that would amuse themselves so I didn't get them doing activities IYSWIM (sorry if confusing)

Can you do your weekly shop online.

Can you clean the kitchen and bathroom while the kids are away and get the shopping delivered to free up some weekend time?

Can you go out for lunch, or coffee and cake or something after you've played football tomorrow?

My boys are a little older than yours, but we've recently started to watch a film together as downtime, with popcorn and fizzy drinks. Easy and enjoyable.