How would you have handled this because I fucked it up royally

[flythewindmill]

I am at the end of my tether with my two boys and so utterly fed up of situations escalating in seconds so would like to ask how others would have handled the situation outlined below.

It was yesterday evening. I had picked them up from after school club and they had reading, spellings and music practice to do before bed. I am a lp and have quite a stressful job that usually requires me to work in the evenings after they have gone to bed.

Here is what happened:
I sent them both to read independently while I unloaded the dishwasher - they knew they would both have to read the last two pages aloud to me. Ds2(7) came to me to read aloud - all fine, and I told him to go and do some piano practice as he had his first lesson after the summer the next day and we hadn't done much over the summer .

Ds1 (9) came in and said he had nearly finished a chapter with 2 pages left. There was no way he had as it was about 20 pages long and a complex book and he had been reading about 5 minutes max. I asked him some questions about what he had read and he flew into a rage. I told him to read and he sat there huffing and puffing, not reading, red-faced and teary.

Meanwhile, ds2 did a scale in about 8 seconds and said he had done. I told him to practise the last piece he had done and he immediately started shouting and wailing that he couldn't do it. I tried to sit and help him but he was wailing so much it was hard to stay calm - though I did.

So in less than a minute they are both screeching - the noise is ridiculous - and I am trying hard to stay calm. but am angry that they won't do as they are told and meet basic expectations.

I ended up in tears . At that point, ds1 went to help ds2 at the piano and they did a few bars. He then read a couple of pages to me well and it was all over. I am left feeling like it was a ridiculous situation that I should have been able to prevent, but I can't see how. I don't want to give in to them as soon as they 'start' and I did stay calm for what felt like a long time after they did. I also feel I have to make up for the time they spend with ex (a couple of evenings a week) when they do very very little.

Any advice? I feel so bad about not being with them all the time, and hate that this is so often what happens when they are with me. If it's relevant both are doing very well at school, but I do feel they don't read enough, or as much as they used to, and I am always worrying that they won't fulfil their potential as a result of our divorce.

that's just a regular night in many households

Christ isn't that the truth!

OP you're doing fine!

Based on your most recent post, I'd keep the piano going, but switch to reading aloud to both of them at bedtime instead of insisting on independent reading by x time. They'll get a lot out of it academically, but with the massive bonus of feeling that extra attention and closeness from you.

My kids are much younger so I don't have any advise about the academic work. But please don't make the practice music if they don't want to.

I say this as someone who was deemed very talented at a particular instrument, and given a very strict and classical education. I did very well in exams and concerts, wad in the papers and got awards. Once I turned 18 I rebelled and I barely touch m instrument today. It's very sad because I remember that I used to love it.

The main thing about music is that they should WANT to play. It really doesn't matter if they practice regularly or just a bit now and again. They are probably not training to be the next world's greatest concert pianist, so it is much better to instill a love for music and creativity. Turning music into a chore is not going to do that.

I wouldn't give up their music lessons (tough perhaps maybe find a teacher who is less goal driven?), but stop asking them to "practice", it's awful and counterproductive in the long run.

I don't mean to sound critical at all, this is just something I feel very strongly about.

I think you did very well, so don't be so hard on yourself! The only advice I have is to set some new, very firm and very clear rules about the way they speak to you. The yelling and wailing simply is not acceptable and you should not tolerate it. It causes a HUGE amount of stress within the home, and when kids are allowed to speak to their parents that way, they are not learning self control and how to appropriately deal with anger.

Sit down with both of them and lay down the new rules in regards to how they speak to you. Let them know that it's ok for them to be upset with you, but it is NOT ok to yell and scream at you. It is totally disrespectful. Then tell them the consequences they will face if they break the rules.

I promise you, you do not want this kind of behaviour to continue, because it will only get worse.

Would a timetable on the wall help, so that it's clearly set out how long they are expected to spend on each task (to prevent the rushing through to get it out of the way)?

My dd is 9. I've given up getting her to read by herself as she doesn't like it. She did do two reading challenges one summer holiday (from different libraries as one was county and one was city) a couple of years ago. Since then, nada. The school have asked us to get the children reading to us 3 x a week. That's what I've told dd. 15 mins if we can make it that long. She reads just fine, is doing well at school both in maths and English. She says reading to herself is boring and a waste of time. She's the sort of child, who'd rather be running around and loves sport.

Don't beat yourself up, you honestly sound like you're doing a great job. You're just trying to do the best for your boys. Sit them down when all is calm and tell them that, and explain to them what you expect. Great idea from pp about a timetable / chart - maybe a reward system if they do what you want them to? Try to involve your ex too, again talk to him at a calm time and try to get him on board - it's not fair if he isn't doing his bit. But please stop feeling guilty, parenting is the hardest job in the world and your heart is absolutely in the right place. Try also to schedule in some fun times.

They're very little. If they're in England it's their second week back at school, so they're probably not used to being so tired. They've done a full day of school plus after school club. You're expecting far too much for them to come home and essentially carry on working. I have similar age dc, I think you need to relax and let some things go or try and get a bit of fun/togetherness in to them, so for example the dc get in to my bed in the evening with me and we all have our own book and some of it we read quietly and some we read to each other, but it's nice and we have a cuddle and it's not a stress.

music is not something I want them to give up but what do they want?

I sense that you're giving yourself a hard time after your divorce about not dropping any parenting balls. But things don't have to be perfect, sometimes good enough really is good enough!

I agree with little

Why do you want them to play an instrument?
For enjoyment I expect.
Does it matter if they don't practice every night?
Or do your scales at seven?
It's better to enjoy playing lower grade pieces than not enjoy playing higher grade pieces.

I know people who were forced into playing - got to grade eight and never touched the piano again.

I don't know them, but they just sound tired.
So, what would I have done? I'd have said 'don't worry sweetheart, you're tired tonight, go and have some golden time (our phrase for doing whatever they like) and we'll catch up tomorrow.'

God that sounds like a lot. My 9yo only has one extra curricular (personally I don't believe it benefits him to have more) and at this time of year he's exhausted and snappy.

You're expecting a lot, tbh. Ease off, chill out. Separate them when they're arguing and give clear as fuck consequences for when they act up. Also a lone parent, so kudos to you for being way more on top of things than i can manage... But hey, I had parents that decided I needed to play piano. I was good, picked it up quickly etc. Hated the forced thing though.

I played guitar and recorders at primary school. I was good at both and played in concerts etc. I never practised.

Do they get any time to play when they come home? If they're at after school club, come home, have tea, then do homework and in bed by 8, their evenings sound quite full on, after a full day at school.

Perhaps just do some reading with them and only do the music practice the night before a lesson.

I also instantly thought, 'They sound tired'.

Them not playing the piano has nothing to do with your divorce. Plenty of families get in late in the evening and struggle to find time to practise. Also, if they really wanted to do it then they'd practise of their own accord (which they don't). There's no point in adding to their already really busy lives - they can pick up the piano in their teens if they really want to, on the understanding that the motivation to practise comes from them.

You didn't do anything wrong. It's good for them to see that you are human too. Just remember that they are still very young and that they need good physical and mental health more than they need anything else in life at this stage - so hugs, a bit of silly time, fresh air etc are all more important than bloody spellings.

I think the problem is you are all tired , kids aren't back in their routine yet and you have too much to do in the evening. I appreciate you want to get the homework out of the way, and if they were coming straight home from school I would agree, but they are going to after school club then coming home.

I think a better routine for you all would be a Friday night is family night rule, no homework, no practise, no work for you. get in your Jammies, have an easy supper, watch TV or play a game.

You can do all the homework/ music practise/ reading etc on Saturday morning. One reads to you while the other practises, then swap, then 10 minutes of spelling. all done and dusted in half an hour before you get on with life!

Is every night like this?

I agree they sound tired. Do you schedule a couple of night or two of downtime - Friday night pizza & film, or bits and pieces tea in front of the telly? I am not a LP so I have no idea how relentless it is, but when my DH is away for a few weeks I like to take my kids out for tea on a weds night. Nothing special, just fish fingers and chips at the local leisure centre or McDs, but it gives us all a breathing space.

We do music practice in the morning because that's the only way it ever happens. There is no way my two (8 and 10) would come in from a full session of after school club to do homework, and we never attempt it on Fridays even though they're home by 4pm because we're all too tired. Reading we only do in bed so it doesn't feel so much of a chore.

Btw re your OP title, you're in a no win situation once tired children get to that point. You didn't fuck up, it's just that the inevitable happened. All you can do is ride it out and start again tomorrow.

You're eating yourself up with guilt and you don't need to. They're doing fine. No one knuckles down to work gladly on a Friday night.

I do not understand your comment as to 'god knows whether they get enough sleep?' You say you have early starts so they need to be early to bed at least during the week. It is a long day for them if they go to after school club and perhaps might I assume breakfast club as well? Infact a long day for you all, I think you have to lower your expectations here and stop putting so much pressure on them or yourself.

I agree with what people are saying, but I'd add that you are also suffering from guilt.

You say you worry that they won't reach their potential because of the divorce- that's guilt. Guilt doesn't really help. Whenever you find yourself thinking like push those thoughts away. Say somethng psitive to yourself and repeat it, in your head ot out loud "there is no fault, guilt go away, I am being good enough".

You know that being a sp can be really hard but you're doing OK you know. You're bringing up your boys, you're holding down a stressful job and working long hours, you all have food and clothing, your boys are healthy. There's loads more, make a list!

Here is a lesson in how to turn your kids off reading and music.

DC kicking off because they have to do homework because they are tired is pretty normal in our house. Things that have helped are doing reading as a group activity in pg's on our bed before they go into their beds. Getting a tutor to do English and Maths once a week, he is fantastic and the kids love doing their work with him.
My DS does music, I am really unmusical but he practises about three times a week, he practises what ever he wants, tunes mostly I think but I really just let him crack on with it. He loves it, provided he isn't tired in which case we don't do it, it is a recreational activity. My DC s are 9 and I have had to learn not to be perfectionist about what they do all of the time.
I think it was Neil Gamian who said that it doesn't matter what kids read as long as they read, are there any comics, popular books etc they could read, do,they enjoy visiting a book shop and choosing some books? Please don't feel guilty.

That sounds so difficult for you :( were they maybe hungry? Maybe offer them some food when they get home before making them do homework / music etc

Op you say you have a early start in the morning then school then after school club. I think they sound very tired and need some time to relax. If you are getting home late then they need to have tea, bath ect thrn do reading and music practice they must not be getting any time to rest. I would read to them in bed and get them to read the 2 pages to you then. Can you jist have some time to relax with them when you all get in as seems like you are all tired and just racing from after school then have loads to do then bedtime. Could they do the music practice at weekends when you have more time and just take the pressure off a bit. You sound really hard on yourself i think you should try to give yourself a break aswell.

I think the priority for your kids at the mo is to be in a home with a calm happy mum. If life is tricky because you are on your own and your hours of work are long then something has got to give. Stop putting pressure on them and yourself. Ditch the reading perhaps. Empty rhe dishwasher another time. Sit with your kids and chill out with them.

With reading, my DS would never read at home. Absolutely refused to. There were tears and and tantrums and torn books at one point. I stopped it.

Forcing them to read is doing no one any good, least of all the children. Once I stopped insisting he read to me, he would read when he wanted to. At school he read more than I realised and became a free reader in year 3 which means he can read any book he likes as he had completed the reading scheme for school. He actively chooses what he wants to read and this varies from Wimpy Kid books to James Patterson to Minecraft books to Horrible Histories books and the Ninjago magazine each month.

And I sound like the most terrible Mom but I don't do his spellings with him either. They get stuck on the fridge and I ask him randomly a word and he will spell it and we do a word a day. He rarely gets less than 9/10.

I'd ease up a bit and take the pressure off all of you. It's hard enough being a single parent. I'd also be inclined to point out to your ex that if he wants to continue parenting, that also includes doing a fair share of reading and school work too. He isn't there just to provide the fun times.

That was too much too do in an evening if they were tired.

That's a lot of homework. And on a Friday too. After they've been in school all week.

Please, chill. Do they even want to do music?