How would you have handled this because I fucked it up royally

[flythewindmill]

I am at the end of my tether with my two boys and so utterly fed up of situations escalating in seconds so would like to ask how others would have handled the situation outlined below.

It was yesterday evening. I had picked them up from after school club and they had reading, spellings and music practice to do before bed. I am a lp and have quite a stressful job that usually requires me to work in the evenings after they have gone to bed.

Here is what happened:
I sent them both to read independently while I unloaded the dishwasher - they knew they would both have to read the last two pages aloud to me. Ds2(7) came to me to read aloud - all fine, and I told him to go and do some piano practice as he had his first lesson after the summer the next day and we hadn't done much over the summer .

Ds1 (9) came in and said he had nearly finished a chapter with 2 pages left. There was no way he had as it was about 20 pages long and a complex book and he had been reading about 5 minutes max. I asked him some questions about what he had read and he flew into a rage. I told him to read and he sat there huffing and puffing, not reading, red-faced and teary.

Meanwhile, ds2 did a scale in about 8 seconds and said he had done. I told him to practise the last piece he had done and he immediately started shouting and wailing that he couldn't do it. I tried to sit and help him but he was wailing so much it was hard to stay calm - though I did.

So in less than a minute they are both screeching - the noise is ridiculous - and I am trying hard to stay calm. but am angry that they won't do as they are told and meet basic expectations.

I ended up in tears . At that point, ds1 went to help ds2 at the piano and they did a few bars. He then read a couple of pages to me well and it was all over. I am left feeling like it was a ridiculous situation that I should have been able to prevent, but I can't see how. I don't want to give in to them as soon as they 'start' and I did stay calm for what felt like a long time after they did. I also feel I have to make up for the time they spend with ex (a couple of evenings a week) when they do very very little.

Any advice? I feel so bad about not being with them all the time, and hate that this is so often what happens when they are with me. If it's relevant both are doing very well at school, but I do feel they don't read enough, or as much as they used to, and I am always worrying that they won't fulfil their potential as a result of our divorce.

I would say to them that if they want to drop music, they can. They will then protest. You then say to them that they can continue with music but must agree to do, without complaint, xx practices a week. Agree with them that the first time they start wailing, music is officially cancelled as they obviously don't enjoy it.

They are still so very young and they are probably so tired, I'd really try to cut back on what they do. Its very early to start fretting about them fulfilling their potential etc.

Cut yourself some slack x

You are being way too rigid. Children can't always act like automatons. It seems like you are giving them lots of hobbies which you feel will make them successful and ruining it by taking the fun out of it all. They will not be successful if they hate you and hate their life. So try making things fun and cutting them some slack over amount read and played. You are obsessing over tiny things and damaging your relationship with them. Ask what they feel like doing. What they want to read or play. Play an instrument with them and improvise to make it fun.

Would getting them involved in planning it a bit help? With my DD, now 8, I found that talking to her, calmly, ahead of time, helped. So as we were coming home from her school or club, I'd say, "Ok, tonight we need to do reading/spellings/whatever it is. I need to get your dinner, and you need a bath. So how shall we do this? Do you want to get a snack first, and do some reading while you eat it? Or do you want me to help you with your spellings while I cook?" And sort of help her plan it out a bit, so she knew before we got in the door how the evening was going to work, rather than arrive home expecting to play in her room only to be told "No, go and read now". And I'd make sure I built in some free time so she could see it wasn't going to be an evening of just working. "If you get on with your practice then after ten minutes you can stop, and you'll have about 30 minutes left to play before bath time." Helped her to see also that she wasn't spending the whole evening working, even though the 10 minutes of homework or whatever felt far longer than the hour of playing! Still do it now, we look at her homework (only one thing each week) when we get it, and work out the best time to do it based on whether we've got a play date or a family lunch etc. does help to avoid panic for the most part, but not entirely!

I wasn't a lone parent when mine were that age but Dh would be abroad for at least 3 weeks out of 4 and sometimes would be away for up to 7 weeks at a time. Evenings could be hard work....

As far as reading goes, I used to read to the younger two after bath and when they were in their pjs, they used to love this and it took the pressure off reading and showed that it was an enjoyable thing to do, especially as we could then read more interesting books than they might have able to tackle on their own.

I've insisted that my children stick to extra curricular stuff for a decent time once they've asked to start but made it very clear that I wasn't going to nag them to practise or go to training etc. They had to want to do it themselves, otherwise it was just adding extra stress which I really didn't need at that point

You sound like you're being very hard on yourself when really you're doing fine

We all have Friday nights off in this house... due to overtiredness.

They get home from school, play whatever for an hour or 2, eat the contents of the fridge, shower, get pjs on, we get pizza in, sit and watch a film before bed.

The kids are now 15 and 16 and we are still like that (unless they are out with mates) - both play piano (1 grade 6 the other grade 8) and are top sets at school. Both are relaxed and refreshed by a "proper" night off - no pressure to do ANY reading at all, and are more willing to get stuff done at the weekend. It has become a regular part of life over the years and one of our special times as a family.

(we also play board games one night a week. usually one like trivial pursuit for kids - there is more than one way to make kids read - the more fun it is, the more they will do it!)

there is more than one way to make kids read - the more fun it is, the more they will do it

Agreed! My Dad used to take DS to the shops to get some bits and pieces and used to get him to read the labels on the food out and the price tags on the basis he forgotten his glasses and couldn't see. He used to get him to count the money too as he also couldn't see that

(Yet DS never questioned it, despite several seeing my Dad in glasses!)

Is 9 a bit old to be monitoring reading? Unless there was a particular issue I think I'd leave him to it at that age.

Fifteen minutes of music and fifteen minutes of reading should be do-able I think, and is plenty at this age.

If they won't commit to 15 mins of daily music practise, cancel the lessons as they won't progress and you're wasting money; tell them that you won't argue if they refuse to do it but, if they refuse 3 times, the lessons will be quietly cancelled.

Make independent reading a treat. Tell them they can put their light out at 8, or independently read until 8:15. With nothing else on offer, no other distractions, they'll do it.

I don't think it was too bad.

What I found though for ds, who's 10yo and has no motivation to get things done that need to be done, is that rather than saying "you must do this" saying "if you have done this by this time then we can do insert treat>"

He loves Tom & Jerry and Pink Panther and things so often I'll say "there's 40 minutes to bedtime, if you can manage your music practice in the next half an hour, they'll be time to watch one"

Because even if he wants to do it, his inclination is to leave it until he's already 5 minutes late up to bed and then exclaim "by I must do my homework/music practice etc" which leaves you feeling guilty if you let him and he's late to bed, or guilty you didn't let him.

OP I think it sounds like you are doing fabulous and I know what you mean about wanting them to fulfil their potential. I used to plan the evening with mine. So I'd say 'right we need to fit in x y z, is there anything you need to do or anything you want me to do or help with. What order shall we do it? ' I found it helped to make them feel included in decisions and differentiated slightly from school where they had to do as told.

I'd also explain to them when all is calm why you cried and how you felt. They may tell you something you're doing is frustrating them and then you can all agree how to change.

I'm going against the grain here but I don't think the amount you asked them to do sounds excessive. My youngest is 9 and when it comes to reading the focus is more on comprehension than being able to sound the words so asking questions is perfectly reasonable.
Having said that, there are times when tiredness makes any amount of concentration just too difficult and that is likely to be the case here. So if you can recognise the signs of this, it is as well to call a halt for the night as any pressure tends to just escalate the situation.

First thing is stop attributing everything to the fact ye are divorced. This scene happens in many households divorced or not. And yes it happens with sahms too. Go easy on yourself and after that go easy on them. I went to a parenting talk once and guy talked about difference scenarios that play out in a home and tiredness can be the factor that changes the whole thing. Tru and read the situation ahead. If they are tired or you are tired just change the plan.
Today is Sat . Have a chilled day. Read to them in bed tonight. Get a takeaway to keep kitchen clean and just rest.
None of what happened is anything to do lwith divorce. Change that record in your head.

could you have honest convo bout music.i think its actually good to be more forceful encouraging on this.as we give it nup far too quickly just because but when lost in later life I now find I regret just being a kid and giving up.(not forceful but you know what I mean)
but if he really isn't into it it wont stay and he will leanr to recent it.put it plainly to him.aks him in his future years if he can imagine wanting to be able to play pieces to people.becasue if he gives up there is no going back your just stopping and in years to come he will not know how to do the bits he enjoyed or wanted to do.
is there a time they could do it away from eacohter.is one out at a time they could do the practices so they don't kick eacohter off.
what about finding a book they both like and sitting together to read a few chapters.a total separate book.read to eachother?
I don't think you should feel bad for breaking.sounds to me like it may have atcaully taught them "oh shit weve gone to far here,what are we playing at."it happens.try to take each moment as it comes.dont let the pile up of 3 hours of tantrums to suddenly go.so think right right now what is bugging me.not right now but also you were being horrid earlier and have been a bugger all day and yesterday and you cant read or practice or ........you will blow.try and focus in and think right.now.what.can.i.do
could you go to library and pick there own.or get them to choose a book that has a film so you can say right lets read this then see how the film is.

Regarding the reading why don't you tell them it's quiet time at 7.30 or 8pm whatever you want. They can read quietly in their rooms for an hour or half an hour or they can go to sleep if they want to.
Have only a reading light on nothing else.
We do this and it works very well. Pop in once or twice to ask if they need help with any words if not fine.
Or maybe ask them to read you a few lines if they have to.
That way they have a choice of either going to sleep or reading. They will choose reading.
Also it means quiet time which calms them down before bedtime and it gives you time to organise a few bits.
Music lessons I would ask them if they want to continue if they do they need to do their practice without fussing on their own initiative preferably.
You're a good mum who cares.
We all loose it. Xx

also just walking out the room.i bet the squeeling could quickly stop.
if your ex isn't doing much for them they must be both really wanting your attention or things they are missing from dad.aswell as letting that frustration out on someone who is containing/doing stuff with them.
what about board game.
sometime syou got to just say right this isn't going nowhere.lets stop.
I don't think your doing badly at all.dont think of the what ifs focus on what you all need now.
what do they love what do you get out of eacohter and put it into the weekend.get some R&R in.chill out see if things feel better with just a nice easy weekend.

If this is a ritual every night, I can see why they would be cross.

You need to sit them down and ask if they want to continue with the piano and, if they do, they need to put in the practice. Reading in bed sounds good too. Can spellings be tested in the car, perhaps get the boys to test each other?

You are putting quite high expectations on yourself and the boys. Let them have some down time. It's great that you want them to do well, it shows you care.

I think it sounds normal, don't beat yourself up they were tired after a week at school and probably unable to do what they were asked without you being with them. So the unloading the dishwasher won't have helped. If the things had to be done on the Friday evening rather than over the weekend (why is this?) then I think you needed to sit by them while they did them.

Our rule about music was that lessons could carry on indefinitely but they had to practise in between. No practise, no more lessons.

My kids have always had Friday evenings off as they are knackered, they are now in the sixth form and still never study in a Friday.

Sounds just like our house! I think it's completely normal isn't it? Don't be too hard on yourself.
In terms if music parctic I know it is hard. I remember arguing over it when I was a kid but really wish I had put the effort in when I was younger which is why I am encouraging my dd to stick at it. Your DC will thank you one day if you persevere.

Stick at it OP. I'm sure you're doing an excellent job. Being a parent is hard!

What time are you all getting back from after-school club? Sounds like they may be tired and hungry and maybe just need some chill time after a long day at school.

I would alternate music and reading so that every night they are only doing one or the other as it sounds like there is too much for you all to do in the evening - if they're doing well at school you don't need to put so much pressure on yourself or on them.

Stuff the piano for a year.
Sounds like that is the only real problem.
I was forced to practice and it has given me a life long dislike of the instrument!

Op

They have just gone back to school, they had been in after school club, it's the first couple of weeks back trying to adjust again.

They and you all sound just knackered if I am honest.

Agree with all the others. You're all too tired. Give them a break and let them wind down when they come home.

I don't agree with everyone saying "push them at the music, I gave it up when I was younger and now I wish I'd worked harder". That's just vicarious isn't it. It might be ok to insist on the discipline of practice every day if they come in at 330, but it sounds like torture for them if tired and hungry. Not the ideal environment for music practice.

sounds to me like you're juggling really well and need a pat on the back

Agree with others they are tired. Sack off piano, who needs to know how to play piano in this day and age. You're doing fine and handled it just fine.