AIBU to think teacher doesn't know who my ds is?

[ThisIsntMyUsualName]

Ds was 5 in August and currently in yr1. He is currently undergoing assessment for ASD as suggested by his teacher in reception year. He is painfully shy, often goes days without speaking to anyone at school, I had to dress up as a fucking sheep to get him to join in with nativity, if ever asked a question in front of the class he will sit under the table under the teacher has moved into another pupil, you get the picture.

He is also really enjoying school, really interested and really wants to do well. This year they are getting weekly homework. We get a big list of things and pick two things of it each week to do. The other weekend we visited a castle and one of the homework tasks was to do a picture and write three facts about an interesting building.

Homework is marked on Friday while they're doing PE. They come in from PE and ds is asked to present his castle work to the class. He hides under the table. Teacher tells him unless he reads his sentences he'll have a dojo (points system that we can access online) taken away. He continues to hide and has dojo taken away. When I collect him he has clearly been crying for a long time, was blotchy and couldn't tell me what the matter was. Teacher tells me he was being uncoorperative and had dojo taken away.

When I get home I write a polite email asking if she is aware ds is being assessed for asd and that he has never spoken in front of class and that he struggles with shyness. Teacher responds saying I'd chosen the homework which was to present 3 facts about a building to the class. Fair enough, I'd misread it and assumed it was just writing 3 facts about it.

Now, to this week. Everyday this week he has had at least one dojo a day taken away from him for being disruptive. I've asked him about it and he's gotten upset and insisted he didn't know he'd had them removed and said he'd been really good. I've never known him to lie but emailed teacher again asking for clarification. Asked maybe he wouldn't join in with something which was being disruptive. She emailed back saying he kept talking when she was talking, kept tickling another child (he has never willingly touched anyone, ever) and kept singing when they are supposed to be being quiet.

Wtf am I supposed to say to that? The child doing that isn't my ds! There is absolutely no way. Is there a polite way of saying you've got him muddled up with someone else?

"easier to talk when it's not expected"

You are describing classic selective mutism, which is a "shut down" or "freeze" anxiety response to perceived pressure or expectation.
Of course he might have autism as well (depends how his best communication is, when he's relaxed), but don't let anyone ignore the selective mutism side of things. And be aware that people often think kids with just SM have autism, because they avoid eye contact, don't mix socially, don't show emotion on their faces. In fact most kids with SM don't have autism (though some do), those features people "recognise" are just the anxiety mask that rolls over SM children in school.

Have you had a look at the Smira Facebook page? It's very busy, friendly and supportive.

I hope senco and class teacher are helpful 😊 if they say he can't have SM because he has occasionally spoken, be very wary. The definition is "does not initiate or reciprocally respond" , so some SM children do speak a little bit, or speak to peers but not staff, or TA but not teacher...because the anxiety is selective in a unique pattern for each child, not pervasive (whereas autism is pervasive, and doesn't have mutism in it's criteria at all).

I hope you get something sorted with his teacher, that must be so frustrating for you.

How have the last couple of days been?

My Ds was like this in reception and had also been in nursery although we put it down to shyness then. Like you, it gradually dawned on us that there was something more serious as the reception year went on. However he began to form a strong friendship with one particular boy and he would talk through him and would also emulate him in voice and tone until eventually he began to make progress and talk by himself and begin to oarticipate more fully. His reception teacher was really good with him - he wouldn't put any pressure on him particularly in group situations and gradually drew him out with the friend and by using different character voices until eventually he found confidence in his own voice.
Fast forward to now and he has now just started at secondary school and has just had his first black mark of the term for talking in class and we can't shut him up!

Good luck with the journey ahead - your little boy sounds lovely and you sound like a very supportive mum - with you in his corner he will get there.