AIBU to think teacher doesn't know who my ds is?

[ThisIsntMyUsualName]

Ds was 5 in August and currently in yr1. He is currently undergoing assessment for ASD as suggested by his teacher in reception year. He is painfully shy, often goes days without speaking to anyone at school, I had to dress up as a fucking sheep to get him to join in with nativity, if ever asked a question in front of the class he will sit under the table under the teacher has moved into another pupil, you get the picture.

He is also really enjoying school, really interested and really wants to do well. This year they are getting weekly homework. We get a big list of things and pick two things of it each week to do. The other weekend we visited a castle and one of the homework tasks was to do a picture and write three facts about an interesting building.

Homework is marked on Friday while they're doing PE. They come in from PE and ds is asked to present his castle work to the class. He hides under the table. Teacher tells him unless he reads his sentences he'll have a dojo (points system that we can access online) taken away. He continues to hide and has dojo taken away. When I collect him he has clearly been crying for a long time, was blotchy and couldn't tell me what the matter was. Teacher tells me he was being uncoorperative and had dojo taken away.

When I get home I write a polite email asking if she is aware ds is being assessed for asd and that he has never spoken in front of class and that he struggles with shyness. Teacher responds saying I'd chosen the homework which was to present 3 facts about a building to the class. Fair enough, I'd misread it and assumed it was just writing 3 facts about it.

Now, to this week. Everyday this week he has had at least one dojo a day taken away from him for being disruptive. I've asked him about it and he's gotten upset and insisted he didn't know he'd had them removed and said he'd been really good. I've never known him to lie but emailed teacher again asking for clarification. Asked maybe he wouldn't join in with something which was being disruptive. She emailed back saying he kept talking when she was talking, kept tickling another child (he has never willingly touched anyone, ever) and kept singing when they are supposed to be being quiet.

Wtf am I supposed to say to that? The child doing that isn't my ds! There is absolutely no way. Is there a polite way of saying you've got him muddled up with someone else?

As far as I was aware, every mainstream school should have a senco. Sometimes called a sendco or an additional needs coordinator. Sometimes they are just Sencos. Sometimes they are also class teachers with hours released and sometimes they are just Sencos who work part time.

I've worked in academies and they still have a senco in each school.

The only time I've seen a difficulty accessing one was at a primary school with the Infants and juniors on two different sites.

I think given you have spoken to the class teacher informally aleady, and have communicated by email, you now need to request a meeting with the Head. If you have had involvement with the academy SENDCO (you are absolutely right in thinking there may just be 1. This is very common in federations and academy chains in smaller /rural areas. There may be another teacher at the school who has a smaller allowance to coordinate SEND provision within your son's actual school). As another poster suggested, ask whether an EIP has been written. If it hasn't, ensure it is. Is the teacher new? Perhaps they are trying to establish themselves (which is not an excuse) in the early weeks and have not yet had time to catch up on the school's SEN register. I find it difficult to accept that in a small school she wouldn't have already known your son because of his needs - all staff are usually briefed on key student's at various points in the year. I have worked as a teacher and school leader for over 10 years now and I can't stress enough that I think you should go straight to the head.

someone getting annoyed at a teacher for not teaching children with additional needs properly, is a good thing. we need teachers who care about those with additional needs not ones who could not give a shit, or want to make them conform despite their disabilities, or call them thick, or deny that disabilities exist, or refuse to refer them for the help they need for over a year...

so @AlternativeTentacle Thankyou for giving a damn.

and there have been times when my children's teachers have done things so outrageous with terrible consequences that I have had to raise issues with the head instead of the teacher as I would struggle to be polite

Academy chains of schools can have 1 senco across the schools. It's not advisable but it meets the requirement of a qualified teacher with required qualifications being named and accessible to all schools.

I so feel for you with this. Definitely make sure you have a good paper trail going and I agree with the meeting which should include your son. I have had them accuse me of not knowing my son, tell me he's clearly different at school etc. My Ds had very profound (I mean very!!) dyslexia and he was punished for allegedly writing swear words, bearing in mind he couldn't write his own name, or simple word like cat or dog at the time I wrote the teacher a huge letter of congratulations that my son now had this amazing new phonological awareness and was suddenly able to write such things, please could she send me copies so I could frame them and stick them on the kitchen wall as I can't contain my delight at such progress. Some teachers are either incredibly stupid or on a freakish power kick and I'm yet to discover which. Please don't put up with it. Your DS deserves better.

I hope you never fucking taught my child

What has my opinions on a bad teacher got to do with your child? Talk about making it all about you...

In what world would "punching her fucking lights out" be an appropriate response to this, Alternative?

Do you know any of the other parents?
Could you ask them to talk with their children about how your DS acts in class? That'd be a good way to find out.

selective mutism - it isn't the child who is selecting not to speak, but more that mutism chooses to rear its head at stressful moments.

My DD (now 14) has ASD, ADHD, and anxiety. She can go mute, but not severely enough to get a diagnosis for that. Her anxiety also comes and goes, and used to mean that she would be too scared to be in the room while I spoke to a teacher. She used to stand outside the door, and call out answers to questions if we needed to ask something, or sometimes just do a thumbs up through the doorway.

If a teacher is taking away a dojo point every day from a kid, then she should really be asking to speak to you, not waiting for you to contact her.

You do need to be that parent, btw. I have had to do that for my daughter (although I never dressed up as a sheep), and it's been hard. Until this year, she was in the school I taught in, so sometimes I had to be 'that parent' to my work colleagues, but it's part of my job as a parent. So long as I'm calm, honest and polite, they should respect me advocating for my child.

Start the conversation saying that you want to support the school, but you're very confused about this as your son has mutism and refuses to touch people. Can she explain this?
Then get onto how she shouldn't ever punish a child for a disability, and while you're still waiting for the diagnosis, perhaps she could be kind and think about how to adapt some of the work around his problems rather than punishing him for something out of his control.

I'm really angry on your behalf!

The teacher sounds absolutely appalling. Her behaviour is so very damaging, that I would despair and think she would be incapable of improving enough to be a decent teacher to my shy, selectively mute child. OP, you sound so lovely, but quite shy yourself, worried about confrontation, and overly reasonable and considerate yourself. I am not saying you should go in with guns blazing, but you should have an iron fist in a velvet glove, I think.

KickAss said what I meant to say.

Oh dear you poor thing. What's the ht like? Any use going to see the head?

Teachers get photos of their new classes before they start. Mistakes happen labelling the photos sometimes...maybe the teacher really does think he is another child. This happened to me once (secondary). I know you have spoken to the teacher with him present but if something is learnt and ingrained it can be difficult to dislodge.

So your ds is often mute as yet, reason undetermined. He hides and refuses to speak in front of the class - being normal as he hardly speaks. Yet he was tickling another child, singing and generally disrupting the class. Either she's making a mistake or the teacher is inferring he has a split personality. I'd be asking her to explain this. It sounds as though she knows a lot about Sen.

In what world would "punching her fucking lights out" be an appropriate response to this

in what world does 'i want to' equal 'i actually would'?

she sounds horrendous and totally out of her depth.

Yes Senco situation is crap, as I say I didn't realise how unusual it was as ds is my only child at school. Also wrt to taking it up with the head, she's only there thurs/ fri as she's also head of the school in the next village (theyre one school at two locations technically).

I am pretty disappointed with how this school year is working outdo fat. Ds absolutely loved school last year and worked really hard. He's is really shy and unconfident and this has really knocked him. Even if for some reason teacher wasn't aware that ds never speaks and is being assessed, I'd have thought most teachers wouldn't insist 5 yo's stand up in front of the class and do a presentation when they clearly really don't want to.

That Senco situation sounds a bit dodge. I was under the impression that every school needed one - and turning up once a half term in no good to your DS.

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, but you are definitely doing the right thing by going in and speaking to her. It could be that she is just incompetent and hasn't got a clue what's going on in her class. It could also be a genuine mistake. I know at our school our system hasn't updated yet with the SEN needs as it's refreshed at the end of every year, so I am struggling at the moment to remember which student has what need and whilst I am doing my best, when you have a single class of 20 with 16 different needs and 16 different IEPs (which I have for example) it can be very difficult at first.

Just go in there and face-to-face explain what you went through last year and what his teacher said, that you are waiting on an ASD diagnosis but the SENCO is AWOL and you just don't get how he is being disruptive.

I have a confident 5 year old and I would be fuming if he was punished for refusing to speak in class. One week into term ! Its a wrong way to deal with any child.

I'm a primary school teacher and have previously taught in a very small village school like yours with a shared head and Senco- it's really rubbish and I would never send my children to one.
Parents think the small class sizes are great, but teaching mixed year groups is so much more difficult and time-consuming. Also the lack of senior management to back up discipline and problems makes life difficult.

I'm not trying to excuse the teacher in any way; I think she really has handled this badly and I agree it sounds like she has got the wrong child in mind. Could be an excuse -ish- in a really big class of 35 but not with 17!
It's ok to be 'that parent' because your DS needs you to be. I agree teachers know very little about selective mutism- I've learnt more on this thread than I knew before- but if I had taught a child like this I would research it thoroughly.

Firstly I need to echo what previous posters have said dressing up as a sheep to help your son in his play that is legendary!!!

Unfortunately I don't have anything to add in regards to advice that can help but just an opinion really.

Please stick to your guns, you know your child and you know that this behaviour is not just out of character but is completely alien and something he has never done so please ignore the people who are saying "poor teacher they are all misunderstood try seeing it from the teachers point of view, there are always 2 sides to a story" even if he was doing the things that the teacher was accusing him of she isn't offering any help she is just punishing by taking Dojos away this is not the sign of a good teacher and unfortunately the really good teachers are in the minority.

Also he has gone from loving school in his previous class with previous teacher to hating school with new teacher in new class again this would seem to add up.

Also in a small village school with a class of 17 I would say 3 weeks is more then enough to learn the students names or at the very least be able to identify who your son is over another child unless some how he has a doppelgänger in the same class who just happens to act opposite to your son in every way.

I really do feel for your son as to me it seems like he is suffering because he has a very poor teacher.

Good luck with the meeting and I hope things pick up for you and DS soon.

I had a similar-ish situation with my son's teacher. Unfortunately some teachers think if they take a firm approach with kids with special needs it will "fix" them. Do be that parent, do keep advocating for him. I hope things get better for him.

You have to be "that parent" . I've had to be that parent for my DS and now my DD. It's only the squeaky wheels that get oil, so you need to speak up and advocate on your DS's behalf.

But of course you can do that whilst being polite, grateful when appropriate , seeking partnership and being well informed.

Do lots and lots of research and try to talk professionally rather than emotionally. Although your voice may crack and your eyes may water, be strong, professional and calm and know your DS's rights and what support and strategies would help and advocate them. Don't get adversarial or feel victimised, see your job is to be in partnership with the school to advocate, educate the school where necessary and support your DS's education.

Well that was a bloody waste of time. Got to school 15 minutes early as arranged to meet teacher. No one would open the bloody gate. Kept ringing the bell for receptionist lady to say 'we'll be open at 8.45 as usual', then hanging up before I could say I had a prearranged meeting.

I saw teacher very briefly and she insisted that it was ds that was talking/ singing despite me very calmly saying it simply wasn't. I've asked if I can watch a lesson to see how ds behaves. Teacher says that isn't normally allowed but she will speak to head.

I'm so fucked off im genuinely considering pulling him out of school. He is just about holding it together atm but I'm sure a couple more instances and it will just destroy what is left of his confidence. He is confused and upset sat being told he is doing things he isn't. Ffs!