AIBU to think teacher doesn't know who my ds is?

[ThisIsntMyUsualName]

Ds was 5 in August and currently in yr1. He is currently undergoing assessment for ASD as suggested by his teacher in reception year. He is painfully shy, often goes days without speaking to anyone at school, I had to dress up as a fucking sheep to get him to join in with nativity, if ever asked a question in front of the class he will sit under the table under the teacher has moved into another pupil, you get the picture.

He is also really enjoying school, really interested and really wants to do well. This year they are getting weekly homework. We get a big list of things and pick two things of it each week to do. The other weekend we visited a castle and one of the homework tasks was to do a picture and write three facts about an interesting building.

Homework is marked on Friday while they're doing PE. They come in from PE and ds is asked to present his castle work to the class. He hides under the table. Teacher tells him unless he reads his sentences he'll have a dojo (points system that we can access online) taken away. He continues to hide and has dojo taken away. When I collect him he has clearly been crying for a long time, was blotchy and couldn't tell me what the matter was. Teacher tells me he was being uncoorperative and had dojo taken away.

When I get home I write a polite email asking if she is aware ds is being assessed for asd and that he has never spoken in front of class and that he struggles with shyness. Teacher responds saying I'd chosen the homework which was to present 3 facts about a building to the class. Fair enough, I'd misread it and assumed it was just writing 3 facts about it.

Now, to this week. Everyday this week he has had at least one dojo a day taken away from him for being disruptive. I've asked him about it and he's gotten upset and insisted he didn't know he'd had them removed and said he'd been really good. I've never known him to lie but emailed teacher again asking for clarification. Asked maybe he wouldn't join in with something which was being disruptive. She emailed back saying he kept talking when she was talking, kept tickling another child (he has never willingly touched anyone, ever) and kept singing when they are supposed to be being quiet.

Wtf am I supposed to say to that? The child doing that isn't my ds! There is absolutely no way. Is there a polite way of saying you've got him muddled up with someone else?

I hope your meeting with the head has gone well.

good luck! x

How did it go op

Well meeting with head of school went ok. I repeated to her my concerns and she said she will speak to ds's teacher. She said that new teacher has an awful lot of experience and is very highly regarded but also that she, like me, knows that chances of ds doing any talking etc are pretty much nil. Head of school is going to observe a lesson this week and let me know how ds is behaving.

I said to her that I felt new teachers approach is getting very close to doing lasting ha to ds. She has agreed that she will discuss with new teacher how removing dojo's in this instance isn't appropriate. She has also promised to chase up senco. Apparently there is no kind of care plan in place yet as ds doesn't have any kind of diagnosis. She claims they only do a care plan on children with no diagnosis if there are severe issues. I guess because ds just sits there quietly it's easy to decide it's not serious.

Through a local ASD Facebook group (thank you whoever it was who recommended doing that) I have found a private consultant and I'm having a meeting with him next week prior to ds meeting him. If LA doesn't accept that diagnosis (if there is one) I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. At least this feels like I'm doing something.

Ds was upset again at school today. Apparently a boy on his table told him he's not a human because he can't speak. My poor little boy. I'm sitting on his bed at the moment watching him sleep, having a little cry because it's all just so shit for him.

That's awful for your boy I am so sorry. Children can be so cruel and that was a horrid thing to say.

I'm glad you have got a private consultant lined up.

I'd next ask for a meeting with nice site head, SENCO and class teacher together so you can ask to work together and concentrate on positive strategies to support ds. That way crap class teacher will not be able to pretend that your ds has transformed into the class clown or that you are one of Those Parents.

This bloody nonsense that children don't need IEPs or whatever becasue they're not causing any problems is so far off what they're supposed to be about. They're not designed to stop children being disruptive - they're supposed to help them access the curriculum.

Also, by those rules, if he's being uncooperative and disruptive, he needs a care plan. Either way, they're failing him.

Well done for going in and kicking up a stink. And sorry that other kid is being such a shit.

Thank you. I'm just feeling so sad for ds at the moment. Before school holidays it was just a case of seeing if we get a diagnosis for something as he's ever so shy. Now it's just really sinking in that he is so very different to his peers and it's not just going to be a case of get him a diagnosis and get him a bit of help to be more confident.

He's such a kind, sweet, gentle little thing. He doesn't deserve his life to be such a struggle.

OP I really hope he gets the support he deserves.

Hi OP, just read your posts. IPSEA have a good website and helpline for all things SEN related. Hope you get things sorted. Are you friends with any of the other mums of children in your son's class? I found having 'spies' in the classroom (in the form of DD1's more reliable classmates) useful!

Thank you for the IPSEA website. There's a lot of info on there on provisions the school has to make that I'm going to arm myself with next time I speak to teacher/ head of school.

I'm fairly friendly with most of the mums. There's a class party at the weekend so I'll mention it to a few of them then. I've always just explained it to the other mums as shyness, I think perhaps I should actually mention that he possibly has asd and/ or selective mutism. Maybe that will nudge them into mentioning to their children that there a real reason he's so quiet and it's not because he's not a fucking human.

I've been wanting to reply to you but I keep deleting what I write. My son was also referred for asd assessment by school in reception and has now just started year 1. It has been a very difficult time but his school have been amazing. He has an IEP and adaptions ( visual timetables, wobble cushion, movement breaks, ear defenders and a chew necklace). You should have a SENDiass advice line in your area who can tell you what you should expect from the school. I am having a bit of a hell of a time at the moment but what really helps is support from the school and I can speak to the pastoral team every day if I need to. I really hope to can get the same support for your son, it is a really hard time and you don't need to be fighting the school too.

No probs!

You could always casually ask the mums if their DC's have mentioned your DS singing etc and drop in the issues you're having like that. You never know, they might have older children with SEN who have had problems with that teacher. Funnily enough I chatted to a random mum at a party once turned out she had an older child with Sen and had exactly the same problems we were having so we formed an alliance! Try not to stress, it must be a worry especially without a formal diagnosis but help is out there if you know where to look. My friend used to be a TA and worked with a girl with selective mutism so please do PM me if you'd like me to put you in touch for more info as she's brilliant.

Nothing wise to add here but just to say you sound like a lovely mum of a wonderful little boy, and I wish you both very well.

Much love to you. xxx

well done xx

Surely the IEP is about him being able to learn and access education, rather than a behaviour management plan? Can the school demonstrate he is learning any of the teaching that is happening??? Or is he passively sitting there, and will continue to for the next x years?

These are the foundations of his education, and he has a right to be taught in a manner that acommodates his needs, diagnosed or not.

I'm glad you had a relatively positive meeting. Did you make her aware of what the child said to your ds? That should be followed through. When dd has had horrid things happen to her, I asked the teacher to do a general chat to the children about the issue. In this case of your ds, the child needs to be split from your ds and any interactions with your ds observed. The teacher should be talking to the children about being kind to eachother, to be inclusive and accept differences. I know you're some way off this ATM.

It can feel very lonely but try to remember that there will be other parents at the school whose children have additional needs. Of course you do t know who they are which makes it tricky but if you're willing to be open with parents who you get to know and like, you will undoubtedly meet another who gets what you're going through.

All the best OP, you sound like a wonderful mum

Well a child saying your DS isn't human because he doesn't speak certainly confirms that he isn't the one singing! I hope you get this sorted OP.

Oh love, your poor little boy. No he doesn't deserve any of the hurtvsbd hardship the world throws at him. I bet he is a wonderful little boy. And you are a wonderful mother.

I hope today was better for him.

He seemed a lot happier today. It was PE which he always enjoys as I think it's something he can get involved in without having to speak. He also said 'hello' to one of the workers at dc2's nursery when we went to pick him up. I think he finds it easier to talk when it's not expected of him if that makes sense.

Makes perfect sense. It's expectation that is so hard on us.

Poor little lad, I want to give him a non contact, non knowledge on his side, hug.

Thanks for the update. Hoping he'll only have better days from now on.