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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think teacher doesn't know who my ds is?

129 replies

ThisIsntMyUsualName · 15/09/2017 18:20

Ds was 5 in August and currently in yr1. He is currently undergoing assessment for ASD as suggested by his teacher in reception year. He is painfully shy, often goes days without speaking to anyone at school, I had to dress up as a fucking sheep to get him to join in with nativity, if ever asked a question in front of the class he will sit under the table under the teacher has moved into another pupil, you get the picture.

He is also really enjoying school, really interested and really wants to do well. This year they are getting weekly homework. We get a big list of things and pick two things of it each week to do. The other weekend we visited a castle and one of the homework tasks was to do a picture and write three facts about an interesting building.

Homework is marked on Friday while they're doing PE. They come in from PE and ds is asked to present his castle work to the class. He hides under the table. Teacher tells him unless he reads his sentences he'll have a dojo (points system that we can access online) taken away. He continues to hide and has dojo taken away. When I collect him he has clearly been crying for a long time, was blotchy and couldn't tell me what the matter was. Teacher tells me he was being uncoorperative and had dojo taken away.

When I get home I write a polite email asking if she is aware ds is being assessed for asd and that he has never spoken in front of class and that he struggles with shyness. Teacher responds saying I'd chosen the homework which was to present 3 facts about a building to the class. Fair enough, I'd misread it and assumed it was just writing 3 facts about it.

Now, to this week. Everyday this week he has had at least one dojo a day taken away from him for being disruptive. I've asked him about it and he's gotten upset and insisted he didn't know he'd had them removed and said he'd been really good. I've never known him to lie but emailed teacher again asking for clarification. Asked maybe he wouldn't join in with something which was being disruptive. She emailed back saying he kept talking when she was talking, kept tickling another child (he has never willingly touched anyone, ever) and kept singing when they are supposed to be being quiet.

Wtf am I supposed to say to that? The child doing that isn't my ds! There is absolutely no way. Is there a polite way of saying you've got him muddled up with someone else?

OP posts:
redexpat · 18/09/2017 10:10

Email the head about not being buzzed in this morning. Outline the situation. Request meeting with teacher, senco and head to discuss your dc. Show them you mean business NOW.

Foxysoxy01 · 18/09/2017 10:19

Bull by the horns OP and make it your aim to become 'that patent'.
It sounds like they need a massive kick up the arse! You're going to have to push, push, push.

Flowers for you it all sounds like they couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery!

PerfectPenquins · 18/09/2017 10:27

I'm sorry this school sounds awful the SENCO is a ghost who floats in every now and then, the teacher is poorly trained in SEN doing further damage every day and the flaming receptionist won't give you two seconds to explain why you are there early what the hell is going on there?
I'd be making an Apointment with the head teacher and complaining about all of that fgs. I'd also start looking around at other schools and their reputations with children with SEN

8misskitty8 · 18/09/2017 10:37

This makes me so mad, some teachers should not be teaching as they don't have a clue !
I know it's hard op but go back to the school right now and ask to see the headteacher as it is urgent.
If your DS is being assessed for asd then the school should be supporting this , they should be keeping notes on how he presents in class. They should not be taking his dojo away for behaviour they say is disruptive, the school should actually be informing you that his behaviours have changed and ask you to come in for a staged assessment meeting.
I'm afraid you will have to be 'that parent' for a while.
I went through similar with DD1, she was given after school detentions every week for a while at age 9. Her 'crime' ? Not taking to an adult. Headteacher refused to allow educational psychologist to come to school to assess her as Dd in her eyes was being deliberately defiant as 'she can talk, she's just refusing to' and then when I mentioned the possibility of autism she threatened to remove Dd from school as autistic children are 'not allowed in mainstream school'
At that point I lost it with her (I actually teach but at that point was on a career break which the head had forgotten) and told her that I would be taking this to the head of education as if Dd was autistic then she could stay in mainstream and she had no right to refuse assessment of Dd in school. The head also ignored the bullying that Dd had been subjected to as 'there is no bulling in my school'
She eventually backed down but I did have to fight her all the way.

She left the school just after that and the new head was great with dd1. She was diagnosed at age10 with aspergers and is now at high school and flourishing.
But for a few years it was hard and mentally/physically draining. You have to be a tiger mum op.

HughLauriesStubble · 18/09/2017 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OlennasWimple · 18/09/2017 11:33

Blimey, the school is not doing anything very well, is it?

Don't be afraid to be "that parent" OP

JigglyTuff · 18/09/2017 12:17

Yes - we have one Senco across 3 sites and over 1,000 children. It's a bloody nonsense.

I would escalate to the head of year/head/Senco. Tell them you want an urgent meeting. I agree that you have to be 'that' parent if you want to get anywhere.

AdalindSchade · 18/09/2017 12:41

Bloody hell. That's appalling.

Shadow666 · 18/09/2017 12:45

Keep pushing. It's shit but you have to keep trying.

Chilver · 18/09/2017 12:45

Document everything in writing, send the email right now and state you want a formal meeting with Head, teacher and SENCO. Do not give up, remain factual but persist!!

ThatsWotSheSaid · 18/09/2017 12:53

Sounds like the teacher is one of those teachers who thinks some children are just over indulged and she can discipline him out of it. Good luck OP.

Allthewaves · 18/09/2017 12:56

Could he be stimming in class due to anxiety?

Original poster
ThisIsntMyUsualName · 18/09/2017 13:46

I'm not sure about him stimming that would distract anyone allthe. As he hasn't had a proper diagnosis yet it's all a bit new to me. The only thing he does that I would consider to be stimming is he shakes his head side to side a lot if he gets upset/ overwhelmed. I've certainly never heard him make any kind of noise whilst doing it.

I'm really just so fucked off. I completely gave the teacher the benefit of doubt thinking she had him muddled up with someone but she is just a complete twat. The way she was so insistent that it was him is just complete bollocks.

I'm meeting with the head of school after school today. Not the actual headmaster but the site head if that makes sense. Shes lovely and was ds's teacher last year and the one who suggested getting him assessed. Although as parents we only found out she was site head in June, she does that two days a week. So two days a week last year ds's class had no qualified teacher just a TA.

It's like I've suddenly seen what a completely utterly crap school this is. So much is just brushed under the carpet because it's a lovely little village school with lovely middle class kids. But it's actually just a complete shit show.

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 18/09/2017 14:01

I nearly asked if this was a small village school...

They can be brilliantly nurturing environments, but so many lovely little village schools are utterly unable to cope with DC who have any additional needs

ChasedByBees · 18/09/2017 14:13

Glad to hear you're taking it further. They need a massive kick up the arse.

FuzzyOwl · 18/09/2017 14:16

I really hope your meeting after school goes well.

MissEliza · 18/09/2017 14:34

I've got to say I've worked in a small village school where the staff have been fantastic with SEN dcs but this school sounds crap. As a TA who has worked with plenty of dcs on the spectrum, I wanted to also slap this teacher. I couldn't work with someone like that. I'd have to walk out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2017 14:39

It's great that the head of school was also his teacher last year. She will be able to confirm his behaviour in class.

Are there any alternative schools to send your ds to? This one sounds dreadful.

Original poster
ThisIsntMyUsualName · 18/09/2017 14:51

Moving schools is an option but I'd never really considered it before. As I said we're pretty rural. We can currently walk to school, the next nearest school (other than the other site of current school) would be a 35 minute drive which is also in the opposite direction to dc2's nursery. There is a very good private school which is a 15 minute drive. We'd always planned to send both dc's to the senior school that this is attached to, we could afford to do primary school too but it would be a bit of a stretch financially. Also I've heard mixed reports about Sen care in private schools so I would need to investigate further.

Right, off to meet head of school now. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 18/09/2017 14:54

Good luck! I hope it goes well.

Etymology23 · 18/09/2017 15:29

Good luck, hope it's gone well :)

luckiestgirl · 18/09/2017 15:57

Good luck!

MinorRSole · 18/09/2017 16:06

Late to the thread but good luck op, hope the meeting goes well

dustarr73 · 18/09/2017 16:29

My son has select into.And what that teacher is saying is bollix.There is no way on earth a child with select mutism.Suddenly becomes the life and soul of school the minute op leaves.

My son didn't speak at all for 2 years in playschool.Or for the first 2 years in school.But the school has been fantastic, bending over backwards to make him feel at home.

His mutism was the stress of teachers or anyone associated with school speaking to him.Including the kids.

HughLauriesStubble · 18/09/2017 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.